By: H.S. Oz
Title: Into The Twilight Zone
Fandom: The Book Of Lost Things
~Hi, I'm back. So recently I have read The Book Of Lost Things and I thought it was amazing. But sadly, it only has like four fanfictions for it. So I decided to help. this story is complete and utter crack so none of the characters are in character. So, just play along, alright? Hope you enjoy it.~
Crooked Man had just captured another victim. He was rather bored that day so he decided to talk to it. The kid looked too stupid to keep up a steady conversation, though, so he stuck an apple in his mouth.
"So, stupid looking kid, I'm just gonna eat your heart so I look hot again and then I'm gonna torture you, sound good?" The kid merely muttered a stifled scream, but the Crooked Man didn't hear him.
"Good, so we're understood. When I take your heart out, if you feel the need to cry, scream, or die, don't. I have something that'll keep you alive so if you do die you'll come back to life again. It won't be pleasant, it'll be just like going through puberty twice. Don't ask me how I know what that feels like." There is a sad tale about how Crooked Man once ate too much of a child's heart and he had to go through puberty a second time. He doesn't like to talk about it. But he very much likes to talk.
"Soon I'll be sixteen again," he declared happily, "speaking of which,. did you see that movie. I wanted one of the kids I was haunting to drag Zac with him so he would sign my Zefron poster, but nooooooo. He just bought his stupid cousin; he didn't even look like Zac." He pouted for a bit and stared at the Zefron poster that hasn't been signed yet. The stupid looking kid however, looked very uncomfortable; he didn't like to hear these stories. Suddenly the Woodsman poked his head into the Crooked Man's torture chamber/bedroom.
"Hey are you done brooding over there?" The Woodsman inquired to the pouting trickster. Crooked Man stuck out his lower lip and glared at him.
"So what if I'm not," he replied.
"Eh, I just wanted to ask you what it was like to go through puberty twice," The Woodman said laughing a little.
"Oh that is it," Crooked Man yelled like a PMSing woman. He grabbed the pillow from his bed and started to hit the teasing other with it.
"I'm sure it must have been hard with your stupid, giant nose," Woodsman said, laughing. Crooked Man hissed at him and sat down on his bed to brood a little bit more. He hugged the pillow close to his chest for two reasons. 1: It made his brood even more convincing and 2: He hid his diary in the pillow sheet. Woodsman laughed at his emo-y friend and he started to tell the stupid looking child stories about how they would make fun of Crooked Man when they were children. The stupid looking child was very scared right now and he wanted to go home. The Roland walked through the chamber wearing a Gay Pride tee shirt and started singing YMCA. This was rather unusual behavior for the usually calm and collected Roland they knew. Crooked Man looked up from his pillow, Woodsman stopped laughing, and the kid started to cry a little. Roland just stood there grinning. Then he stared at Crooked Man. He pulled the brooding man up and whispered his plot in his ear. They both grinned at set it into action. They both started to sing in unison and they sang something like this.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt so sexy that it hurts..." It was a mixture of horrifying and hysterical. Mostly scary. But what came next was even scarier. Peter Pan flew in and looked at the kid.
"I've lost my shadow and you need to come to Neverland right now," he said. The child did not know which fate was more terrifying, but considering he had an apple in his mouth he had no choice. He was off to Neverland to help Peter Pan find his shadow... Then the three started to dance again and Roland was more than thrilled that they could lift him up in the air really high-
"-The End," H.S. Oz finished.
"H.S. what the heck was that," the teacher asked, she looked at terrified as the stupid looking kid in the story.
" It's my creative writing project," she stated. The teacher had to admit it was creative. But it had no plot or well plot.
"Saar Vienna," the teacher called.
"Yes teacher," said the young nerd, whose head had just poked out of a rather large history book.
"I blame you for everything H.S. writes." Then a giant narwhal fell on the teacher, and we ate pie.
The End
~ Another message from the author. So the whole thing with double puberty is due to a question I had "Does the extra lives add onto how old he is now or does he get younger in age?" I didn't know which one was right so I thought the 'get younger' on would be more amusing for this story. And I tried to make Roland as out of character as possible, so that is why he is like this in the story. Please no flames on this story but constructive criticism would be nice. Thank you~