A/N: This story is being published post-by-post at .com. I'll post entries here in batches. This is my first attempt at Mass Effect fanfic, and it does take place after ME3, so beware of spoilers! As always, thank you so much to BioWare for encouraging community creations. Kaidan Alenko is not mine, I'm just borrowing him for a bit.
November 14, 2186
I don't even know what I'm supposed to write here. The counsellor's been pushing me to start this journal, to write down everything that's in my head. It's bullshit.
There. Started. Happy?
December 20, 2186
I've been "relieved of duty". Damned Alliance likes tossing that phrase around. Now I get to sit in my quarters, staring at the four walls and quietly going crazy. Crazier.
Is this what Sh—
I couldn't hold back the punch. I saw my arm jutting out toward the admiral, the biotic blue around it, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. He'd said something, something about her…God, I can't even remember now. All I remember is being so damned angry that he'd even think those words, let alone say them, and I acted.
Counsellor says I need to write in here more frequently. Guess I'll have the time now.
January 1, 2187
New Year's Day used to feel like a fresh start. I'm trying to drum up that sort of optimism again, but it's hard. Really hard. There's just so much to do.
Vancouver's a mess. I couldn't sit in the barracks anymore, being useless, and they wouldn't let me join the Alliance crews helping to rebuild since I'm still "relieved of duty", so I came up to the family land in the interior. Mom's here. Dad was here for a bit, but he's gone back to the city.
I walked him out to the skycar when he left. He turned to me, and I thought he was going to say something, but he just looked at me. You know, I almost would have preferred him tell me it's going to be all right rather than just look at me in silence. He clapped me on the shoulder, then left.
Did he just not know what to say? Or is there nothing that can be said?
January 3, 2187
I dreamed last night. I knew I was dreaming and by God, I wanted to wake up, but I couldn't.
I was saying goodbye to her again, and it was so bloody real. I could hear the explosions in the distance, the shouting, the gunfire, but none of it mattered. I could feel her hand in mine. I leaned in and I could smell her hair, that scent of strawberries that always surprised me.
And when I kissed her, my heart broke, because I knew it wasn't real. She's gone.
Are you haunting me, Shepard?
I can't do this.