The halls of the Medical center were relatively empty.
A fair number of medical ninjas and trainees were sitting in the lecture hall, listening to Tsunade talking.
Other medical staff members and support personnel were busy managing the clinics, triage center, and the few operating rooms that were needed that afternoon. Patients and their families sat patiently in their rooms, or in designated waiting areas.
As a result, Kiba and Lee were able to get as far as they did without attracting attention. It had been simple enough to get past the guards. Kiba pretended to be helping his fellow shinobi, who had come perilously close to overacting.
"You only needed to seem sick," Kiba said in a hushed voice, as they waited run past a group of chatting nurses. "It sounded as if you were dying, or needed a laxative big time."
"Ohhhh-hhh-hh-h… I apologize… but, Gai-sensei has told me to put my heart into everything, no matter how small."
"Geeeez…" Kiba just shook his head. He ought to know better than to try and talk sense to Lee or his teacher. "OK. Let's move. Crouch down and run on my word. Now!"
Eventually, after skulking and running, they made their way to the area of the hospital that they wanted. Headed for the rooms used to hold natural remedies, they needed to pass by the lecture room. There were doors all around, and they were all open.
"Mistletoe is the common name for various parasitic plants of the families Santalaceae and Loranthaceae." The Hokage's voice filtered out to them, loud and clear. "The name was originally applied to Viscum album , European Mistletoe, and subsequently to other related species, including Phoradendron leucarpum, the Eastern Mistletoe."
"Pretty funny coincidence, huh?" Kiba grinned and ducked past the first door. Lee followed suit. Fortunately, Kiba had been able to convince Akamaru to wait outside. A dog the size of a horse would be hard to explain, and even harder to conceal.
"It may be destiny," Lee breathed. Risking discovery, he peered around one door jam. He was hoping to catch sight of someone with pink hair.
"The European Mistletoe is readily recognized by its smooth-edged oval leaves in pairs along a woody stem, and waxy white berries up to six in number." Tsunade continued with her lecture, unaware that a plot was under foot. "Eastern Mistletoe is similar, but has shorter, broader leaves and longer clusters of ten or more berries. Rootless, the species grow on a wide range of trees, drawing their nourishment from them in an almost parasitic fashion. They can eventually prove fatal to their hosts where infestation is heavy, though damage more commonly only results in growth reduction."
"Shit!" Kiba grabbed Lee by the collar and yanked hard, pulling him out of view just as Shizune looked over at the one door. "Get your heads out of the clouds, Lee. If we get caught, you'll blow your opportunity, and the two of us will miss the party." He listened, letting out a sigh of relief when he didn't hear footsteps. "She'd probably put us in the kitchen washing dishes. Then, the only thing you'd get to kiss are the fat ugly cooks and the toothless serving women."
"Awwww-www-ww-w… you are correct, my friend!" Lee's eyes burned with fire. "We must not fail in this mission. The fire of youth is sudden and explosive. To let it die out would be inexcusable."
"Shhhh-hhh-hh-h… keep… it… down…" Kiba began growling. "I should have asked Naruto to do this with me." He thought a moment. "Forget I said that."
"Most mistletoes are spread by birds, with the birds gripping the fruit in their bills, which causes the sticky-coated seeds to squeeze out to the side." The Hokage continued to give the background information, before getting on to more pertinent issues. "The birds then wipe the seeds off on a suitable branch. The seeds are coated with a sticky gum which hardens and attaches the seed firmly to its future host. That is where it will grow."
"OK. Let's get past the next door." Kiba moved quickly, and then signaled for Lee when he was certain the coast was clear.
As Lee began moving, he froze. Making a hand signal, he asked his friend to use a transformation jutsu on him. The bushy eye-browed boy took the form of a garbage can. The cans were spread throughout the building, so he didn't seem out of place. Kiba got down on all fours and made himself look like a small couch.
Two lab techs walked past, heading for the next building. One thought it might be nice to sit down for a moment, which had Kiba biting the inside of his cheek. The other took a large wad of gum out of her mouth and tossed it in what she thought was a waste bin. After they left, Kiba breathed a sigh of relief, and Lee tried to get the gum out of his hair.
"Here… let me get it for you…" Kiba grinned evilly, whispering. He waved a kunai in front of Lee's face.
"Oooo-ooo-oo-oh… that is not necessary." Lee held up both hands before realizing that his friend was joking.
"The plant had many different nicknames," Tsunade said. "All Heal. Birdlime. Devil's Fudge. Golden Bough. Holy Wood. Witch's Broom. The list is very long. There are numerous ideas where the name Mistletoe came from. Some people believe that it derived from ancient observations that mistletoe would often spontaneously appear on a branch or twig where birds had left droppings. 'Mistel' is a an ancient foreign word meaning 'dung,' and 'tan' is the word for 'twig'. So, mistletoe literally means 'dung-on-a-twig'."
"I could have done without knowing that." Kiba made a face. "Kind of takes some of the fun out of it." He smiled, thinking of the coming party. There would be plenty of girls there. "Then again, it really doesn't matter, right?"
Lee gave Kiba a thumbs-up sign. The two of them moved past the next open door.
"The leaves and young twigs are the parts used by herbalists, and it is popular for treating circulatory and respiratory system problems as well tumors." Tsuande said. "In ancient times, it was considered an antidote to poison; but, contact with its berries produces a rash similar to the poison ivy rash in people who are sensitive to it. As a result, the whole plant erroneously came to be thought of as poisonous."
"The storage rooms should be around the next bend," Kiba said. "We'll want to find the bottle, drawers, or boxes holding what we want. Then, we have to grab some for ourselves, and for anyone who paid us in advance." He grinned.
"Ahhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h… I begin to have second thoughts." Lee looked torn. "This is truly stealing, no matter what you might say."
"Quiet!" Kiba put an hand over Lee's mouth. "It's not really stealing. It's borrowing. When we're done, we can give them back." He whispered in his comrade's ear. "Think Sakura…" He struck a pose. "Who knows… first a kiss… and then she might look at you differently…"
"Mistletoe has been used for centuries for its medicinal properties." The Hokage's voice was fainter now. "It may have been used as early as the 16th century to relax tight muscles. Other unverified uses included treatment of infertility, internal bleeding, seizure activity, arthritis, rheumatism, gout, asthma, high blood pressure, headache, dizziness, menstrual abnormalities, diarrhea, and tachycardia. Because of its calming effect, mistletoe can be used as a tranquilizer for various nervous conditions, and for the treatment of mental and physical exhaustion. There are many better medicines of course, but it is something to keep in mind. Extracts from the plant have also been shown to kill cancer cells and to boost the immune system."
The storage room was very long and exceedingly narrow. Shelf upon shelf and cabinet upon cabinet were filled with all sorts of jars, bottles, boxes, crates, scrolls, and bundles. Unfortunately, things were not kept in alphabetical order. Instead, they were grouped by categories and potential uses.
"Ohhhhh-hhhh-hhh-hh-h… here it is… m… i… s… t… l… e… t… o… e... mistletoe." Lee pulled open a drawer. In doing so, he dislodged a small magnetic tag that had been placed on the other half of the structure. While he grabbed twigs from one side, Kiba started pulling out plants from the side nearest to him.
"Mission complete!" Kiba chuckled. "We'll be heroes tonight."
Moving stealthily, they headed on their way.
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The large room was set up for the festive occasion.
Usually a vast storage facility, stocked with materials that might be needed during a prolonged conflict with another nation, the building had been temporarily emptied.
Konoha was prospering. The Hokage thought to share some of that prosperity with the populace, civilians and shinobi alike.
As a result, a large party had been set up, catered by volunteers amongst the community, as well as by cooks hired by means of the village budget.
For the most part, the groups of revelers were clustered according to age and occupation. But, as Tsunade had intended, more and more mixing was taking place. Everyone was chatting happily together near the large freshly hewn evergreen trees, the numerous punch bowls, or huge tables laden with foods and desserts.
Kiba and Lee were both very excited, for their own reasons. The bushy eye-browed boy was looking for one particular person. Kiba was searching out potential customers. They had pockets full of green gold. With all of the girls there that night, a determined young man could get his fill of kisses.
"So… you have mistletoe, do you…" Jiraiya put one hand on Kiba's shoulder and another on Lee's. They both swallowed hard. "Don't worry… I won't tell Tsunade that you swiped the stuff…" He laughed. "I did the same thing when I was your age. That, and cut peep holes in the women's bathrooms."
"We didn't think of that one, Lee." Kiba grinned, rubbing his hands together. Another was to have some fun, make some friends, and maybe earn a little spending money.
"Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h… that would be an invasion of privacy!" Lee squared his shoulders and struck a pose. "I doubt that Gai sensei would think much of me, were I to take advantage of women that way."
"That's where you're wrong," The Frog Hermit laughed. "Gai was one of the younger boys who kept butting in line, wanting to get another peek." He smiled. "Kakashi kept beating him to the best spy holes. That's how young Maito ended up being the only one caught, after he shouted at his young rival."
"Sa… ku… ra…" Kiba said in Lee's ear.
Eyes glazing over, Rock Lee nodded his head. "I will always follow Gai-sensei's shining example."
"I'll take some of the mistletoe myself, of course." Jiraiya motioned to Kiba, taking Naruto's stolen Frog Purse out of his pouch. Taking a handful of plants form Lee, he began looking for the best twig. "Did you know, that since ancient days, mistletoe has been one of the most magical, mysterious and sacred plants in nature."
"Well… I see… that's really interesting…" Kiba clenched his teeth. He didn't want to get trapped in some kind of lecture. "But…"
"Oooo-ooo-oo-o… that is indeed fascinating." Lee's eyes went wide. He didn't understand why Kiba was growling.
"Think I'm just some boring old guy?" Jiraiya asked Kiba. "I would have thought you would have been one to read my books." He shrugged. Turning to Lee he said "The Druids were a people in a faraway land. They used mistletoe an aphrodisiac."
"Ahhhh-hhh-hhh-hh-h… aphrodisiac." Lee's eyes looked larger than they usually did. "I… that…"
"Hey… that's kind of cool…" Kiba grinned. "Maybe I'll need to buy a copy of one of those books or something." He figured it would be advantageous to know as much as he could about Mistletoe. That way he could act big when he talked to all of the girls.
"That kind of thing is not in the book," the Frog Hermit said. He pointed to his temple. "It's in here. But… for a free piece of Mistletoe… I'll be glad to tell you some more." When Kiba agreed, he continued.
Kiba began waving a number of his friends over. He could just as easily sell off some of his stash as he listened. Shinobi began lining up, followed by civilians who wondered what was going on.
"In some countries, the plant used to be hung from ceilings to ward off evil spirits. Twigs were placed over houses and stable doors to prevent the entrance of witches." Jiraiya smirked. "It didn't work with Tsunade, though." He winked. The boys all laughed after making certain the Hokage was nowhere within earshot. "The leaves and berries were thought to provide protection against lightning, disease, and misfortune. Mistletoe was placed in cradles to protect children from being stolen by fairies and replaced with changelings." He pointed. "That doesn't work, either. Otherwise, someone couldn't have stolen a normal baby and left Naruto in its place."
"Very funny, Ero-sennin." Naruto made certain he spoke that name very loudly. "Give me back Froggie. I know you have it!"
"Me?" Jiraiya tried to look innocent. When Naruto stuck out his lower lip, he gave in. "Here. I'll take a small number of coins out. That's my fee for taking care of it for you. It's amazing that you dropped it out in the middle of the street and just walked off."
"Liar!" Naruto grabbed his money purse and stuck it in his pocket. After that, he joined the growing line.
"Where was I?" The Legendary Sannin scratched himself, nodded his head, and continued. "A ring carved of mistletoe wood was thought to ward off sicknesses when worn. Men carried or wore mistletoe for good luck in hunting. Women carried it to aid conception. Hmmmm. That reminds me of another amazing substance. One that can do the opposite. It can reduce a woman's sex drive by more than ninety percent. Anyone know what it is?"
A number of boys hazarded guesses. The hermit shook his head.
"Wedding cake," Jiraiya said. After nodding his head sagely, he resumed his talking. "Mistletoe was used in spells aimed at gaining immortality and when worn around the neck, it was supposed to make one invisible to one's enemies. Placed at the bedroom door, under pillows, or on headboards, mistletoe was believed to grant restful sleep and beautiful dreams. Not the kind you are thinking about, Naruto."
"Get bent!" Naruto made a face. He never should have told his former teacher about the kind of nocturnal fantasies he had. So what if he woke up sticky sometimes. That was normal for a guy his age.
"OK. Now for the good part." As Jiraiya spoke in flamboyant tones, the guys all gathered closer. "Kissing under the mistletoe may have started with a number of different rites and legends. For example, the Roman festival of Saturnalia…"
The older man continued with his speech. Kiba's smile grew with each sale he made. Lee kept promising he would do a certain thing.
He would do five hundred leg kicks and one hundred laps around the village if he failed.
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The logs in the massive fireplace popped as they burned.
A pleasant scent of burning wood wafted about the room. The hanging oil lamps and large clusters of wax candles had a nostalgic feel about them, their light much more warm and friendly than the actinic glare of electric lights.
Various groups of partiers, drunk or sober, sung seasonal songs, drank toasts to friends and family, and took time to remember those who had died keeping the village safe that year. A large area in the middle of the building had been cleared to serve as a dance floor. Amateur and professional musicians kicked up lively tunes and slow romantic airs.
Kiba stood surrounded by a group of blushing young women, those who were brave or brazen enough to want mistletoe of their own. Every so often he would hold up one of his own twigs over the gathered girls, collecting his price in kisses instead of coins. Sure, he couldn't share that with Lee, unless the green-suited ninja wanted a big wet smooch on the lips. But, his friend wasn't interested in making money. He had his own goal in mind.
"Yes, the famous writer Shakespeare referred to it as 'the baleful Mistletoe,' because in an old Scandinavian legend, Balder, the god of Peace, was slain with an arrow made of Mistletoe." Kiba used posture he had learned from Lee, sounding if he was the greatest source of knowledge on mistletoe known to man. He smiled, happy to parrot things he had heard from Jiraiya.
"He's so smart," one girl cooed. "And handsome, too. I'll buy one."
Meanwhile, after watching Sakura for twenty minutes without moving, and having some partygoers use him as a coat rack, Lee decided it was time to make his move. He had given Gai a twig of mistletoe, and received a quick but stirring talk from his sensei.
"Ummm… Sakura…" Lee cleared his throat.
"Hello, Lee." Sakura smiled brightly, standing with Shizune and other members of the Medical Center staff. "Did you hear the news… someone stole a whole supply of mistletoe from the Hospital. Tsunade is on the rampage…"
"Sh-… Sh-… She is?" Lee's bushy eyebrows shot straight up. "You're not just joking…"
"No way," Sakura said, drawing a finger across her neck, as if it were a knife. "Are you enjoying the party?"
"Yes…" Lee swallowed hard. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to do something he almost never did. He lied. "I bought some mistletoe myself…" He coughed. "I wonder if it's some of the same plants that are missing…"
"Who was it?" Sakura's eyes narrowed. "Was it someone we know?"
"I… it was… you see…" Lee felt like he was about to explode. He almost burst out and confessed then and there. "I would probably recognize him if I saw him again…" That much was true. He felt better already. Now, all he had to do was make his move. Slowly, trying to keep from passing out, he removed some mistletoe from his pocket.
"HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!"
That was Naruto's voice. It started off as a single voice; but, that didn't last for long.
"HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!" "HEY! SAKURA-CHAN!"
Suddenly, that part of the room seemed to be full of Naruto clones. Each of them was holding up a twig of mistletoe, walking towards Sakura with silly grins on their faces. That had Lee dropping his own plant.
"Just what do you think you're doing, baka?" Sakura made a face at Naruto. "What kind of stupid nonsense is it this time?" She had thought that he had given up on his crush. Of course, now that he had matured some, she wouldn't necessarily mind him showing her more attention; but, it was not something she had high on her list of priorities.
"Mistletoe," Naruto said, walking closer. He had the clones form a ring around Sakura when she started to back away. "Hi, Lee! Wanna watch?" He smirked, knowing how his friend felt about the pink-haired girl.
"Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?" "Wanna watch?"
"OK. Just one kiss." Sakura sighed. She tried to be a good sport. It was the holiday season after all.
"Great! Put it right here!" One of the clones dropped his drawers, bent over and stuck his kiester up."
"P-E-R-V-E-R-T-!"
Sakura balled up her fist. There was murder in her eyes. Holiday or not, Naruto was going to end up in intensive care.
"Wait… it was one of the clones… the stupid jerk was acting on his own…" Naruto had his hands up. He was backing away. He stopped, caught against one of the large food-filled tables. "I really wanted a kiss… on the lips…"
"I don't want to hear it!" Sakura was turning red in the face. Her 'Inner Sakura' was venting steam from her ears. "Lee, help me catch him."
"Awwww-www-ww-w…" Lee was caught on the horns of a dilemma. Naruto was a good friend. But, if he helped Sakura, she might be grateful. She had been just about to kiss Naruto. She very well might kiss him. "Accept your punishment like a man, Naruto. If you cannot keep your clones under control, you should not bring them out at a party."
He began running after his fleeing friend.
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Kiba looked over to see what the commotion was.
It was Naruto, naturally. No doubt he had done something crass or crude. Good for him!
"Balder was restored to life at the request of the other gods and goddesses." He stuffed some money in his pocket. "Here you go. This one has a lot of berries left on it. The goddess Frigga was the mother of Balder, and he had a dream of death which greatly alarmed her, for should he die, all life on earth would end. In an attempt to keep this from happening, Frigga went at once to air, fire, water, earth, and every animal and plant, seeking a promise that no harm would come to her son."
"You seem rather talkative tonight," Shino said, catching sight of his teammate. He wondered why Kiba had left practice early that day. "Working some kind of plan to win kisses?"
"Of course not!" Kiba gave Shino a look that should have quieted him down. But, the young man in the large cowled cloak didn't like to be kept ignorant of things.
"You neglected to bring someone else tonight." Shino raised one arm and began waving. "But, Hinata, Kurenai, and I took care of that for you."
"Whatever," Kiba said, sighing. "Balder now could not be hurt by anything on earth or under the earth. But Balder had an enemy: Loki, god of evil. Loki knew of one plant that Frigga had overlooked in her quest to keep her son safe. It grew neither on the earth nor under the earth, but on apple and oak trees. It was this lowly mistletoe." He held it over another girl who gladly gave him a kiss. Some of the others were growing tired of the game. Others didn't want to risk being anywhere near mistletoe and Shino at the same time. "So Loki made an arrow tip of the mistletoe, gave to the blind god of winter, Hoder. He shot it, striking Balder dead."
"You may want to clear a space," Shino said to the girls. When they didn't pay attention, he frowned, hating to be ignored or overlooked. He shrugged and walked away.
"The sky paled and all things in earth and heaven wept for the sun god." Kiba pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. "For three days each element tried to bring Balder back to life. He was finally restored by Frigga. It is said the tears she shed for her son turned into the pearly white berries on the mistletoe plant and in her joy Frigga kissed everyone who passed beneath the tree on which it grew. The story ends with a decree that who should ever stand under the humble mistletoe, no harm should befall them. They should be given only a kiss, a token of love. What could be more romantic than a story where Love conquers Death?" Kiba struck a pose again.
"A-h-h-h-h-h…" A number of girls clasped their hands to their chests, eyes dreamy. They were caught up in the moment, just the way that Kiba had hoped they would be.
"WOOF!"
"Oh Hell." Kiba hung his head. That of course was Akamaru. Now he knew what Shino had been talking about. Great. After all of his hard work.
"ARF ARF ARF ARF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF."
Shino looked back as the huge dog plowed through a number of people in his rush to reach Kiba's side. A number of girls went tumbling. Some ended up standing on their heads unintentionally, their long skirts falling down to cover their faces while their colorful undergarments were put on display for everyone to see.
"Such festive colors," Shino said.
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A long string ran up to the ceiling. From it hung a mistletoe plant.
Not content with that, Gai hung a few other twigs from various other points around him. Patiently, he stood in a heroic pose, waiting for the crowd of eager women that were sure to realize he was there.
Light reflecting off his teeth, he thought about his coming triumphs. Not only would this do him well, but the rush of girls should teach his age old rival Kakashi a fair bit of humility. Sometimes, life's great defeats bring with them important lessons.
Surveying the room the way a gladiator may have surveyed the Coliseum, the green-clad jounin took note of the goings on. Numerous clones were running helter skelter, bumping into high-ranking officials and common people alike, upending plates of food and knocking over small decorative tables. One had even scaled the great tree in the center of the room, trying to hide behind the large glowing star. Gai sneered. That was such cowardly behavior, especially for mere copies that would disappear soon enough. They didn't make clones like they used to.
"Kakashi my rival… I certainly have you beat when it comes to students…" Gai grinned, fighting the urge to thump his chest. He caught sight of Lee, taking down clone after clone. What a magnificent shinobi! Such a pure and fiery heart! Neji and Ten Ten were fine ninjas as well. While Sakura was a credit to the Leaf, Naruto was far too impulsive and undisciplined, and Uchiha Sasuke had turned traitor. "The teacher has a direct effect on the pupils…"
Reaching out, he collared a running clone and caused it to disappear in a loud puff of smoke. He preened, hoping the shy but eager women were impressed. Any moment now, the first brave soul would approach him. That would break the ice. Dozens would follow after that.
"Oh… Lee-e-e-e-e…" Gai shook his head. Rock Lee had cornered the true Naruto. But, the boy in orange had dumped a large bowl of punch over his friend's head. Lee was standing with pieces of ice, cut oranges, and a few cherries covering his head and shoulders.
His disappointment was short-lived. Kurenai was walking straight for him. Great! Anko was with him. Not so great! He shivered. But, anything to get the line forming. Wait… they were dragging someone… it was Kakashi.
"We'll need the mistletoe for a minute," Anko said, twirling a kunai around one finger. "You can step back under when we're done."
"But… didn't you…" Gai stepped out of the way. "I thought…"
"Gotcha!" Kurenai planted a big kiss on Kakashi. Anko did the same. But, they were both caught by surprise when Kakashi seemingly turned into a large Yule log. The substitution technique. "Find him!" She and Anko flashed from view, leaving Gai standing alone again.
"Such a poor trick, my elusive rival…" Gai furrowed his brow. Why would the woman be chasing after a man with a mask, when a handsome devil like him was available? Rubbing his chin, he thought about making his own mask out of one of the nearby stockings.
"Ummm… really great look, Gai…" Shizune said, catching sight of him when he had fashioned his mask. She managed to walk ten feet further before breaking out into giggles. "Copying the Copy Ninja… what will he think of next…"
"The bright and shining flame of Konoha grows dim," Gai said, mourning. "The women no longer know greatness when they see it. They are satisfied with the base and weak…"
Throwing out his chest, he resumed his wait.
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The sound of cracking ice could be heard above the festive din.
"I tell you… it wasn't my idea…" Naruto was still trying to calm down the angry and affronted Sakura. Behind him, a large ice sculpture of the Third Hokage had been reduced to crushed ice for drinks by his teammate's powerful punch. "Why won't you believe me?"
"Because I know you," Sakura said. "She struck again, missing as Naruto jumped up, pushed off of the head of a startled foreign visitor, and somersaulted across a gaggle of gossiping girls. This time, an ice statue of the Fourth split straight down the middle.
"So boy…" Jiriaya laughed, seeing Narutro looking for a place to hide. "…Maybe you should have bought some of this." He held up his mistletoe. The hermit had missed the reason for his former trainees flight. He watched as the crowd quickly parted for Sakura.
"STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"
That was Tsunade's bellow. It had any number of people freezing, wondering if they were the ones' in trouble. Sakura turned pale, having demolished some exquisite ice work. Naruto looked defiant, even though he and his clones had caused a great deal of trouble. Kiba almost dropped a load in his pants, certain that she must mean him. Choji, sitting under one of the tables with an entire pig roast, wondered if he had bitten off more than he could chew. Lee froze, and then tipped over like a ninepin, his face landing flat in a large tray of smoked salmon.
"Who's put a bee under your bonnet this time, Tsunade?" Jiraiya folded his arms over his chest, knowing that he hadn't done anything wrong this time.
"Don't play dumb," the Hokage said, seething. She pointed to the twig in her former teammate's hand. "Someone had heard you talking like a big windbag… about mistletoe…" She rolled up one sleeve of her fancy dress robes, making a fist. "And, someone else saw you standing in the middle of the crowd, where boys were gathering to buy the pilfered plants." She snarled. "It's not as if this is the first time." She shivered. "I remember the time, long ago, when you held one over me and Orochimaru. I still haven't paid you back for that one."
"Hey… well… you always did like a little tongue with your kisses, right…" Jiraiya held up his hands. "Or so I heard…" He had once been put in the hospital by one of her punches, after he had peeked in on her at an onsen. "Not that Orochimaru's tongue was ever small…"
"This is no joking matter," Tsunade said, her eyes flashing. "Theft from the medical center carries a harsh penalty. And, someone as noticeable as you should set a better example for the youth of this village!"
"You tell him, Old Lady!" Naruto thumbed his nose and laughed.
"I'll get to you in a minute!" The Hokage bit off those words looking at the younger troublemaker. "For all I know, you might have had a part in it." She looked around the room, seeing trails of smoke where the last of the clones had vanished. "If not, we have plenty to talk about."
"Crap," Naruto said, hanging his head.
"It wasn't me," Jiraiya said, looking serious. "I picked out the best stuff that the Inuzuka boy was selling." He grinned and held up the mistletoe. "You can probably guess why."
"NO… WAY… IN… HELL…"
Tsunade put her hands on her hips and glowered at the other Legendary Sannin. She started backing away, suddenly on the defensive.
"Pardon me… coming through…" Kakashi sped past, knocking the mistletoe out of Jiraiya's hand. Kurenai, Anko, and a number of other jounin-level kunoichi were on his tail. "Happy Holidays…" He took a wrapped book that Jiraiya tossed him. The Icha Icha book of Bawdy Christmas Carols. "Thanks!"
"Well, that makes my life a whole lot easier," the Hokage said, watching as Jiraiya's twig was kicked across the floor.
"Here," Naruto said, making a face at Tsunade. "You can have mine." He turned up his nose at her.
"You…" The Hokage's eyes narrowed. She held up one finger, staring at Naruto. Her attention would have been better spent elsewhere.
"Thanks but no thanks," the Frog Hermit said. "I bought a couple of spares." He was dangling mistletoe over Tsunade's head.
"But… that…" Tsunade sighed. She would play by the rules of the game. Using a jutsu to create an area of blackness around the two of them, she gave Jiraiya a quick chaste kiss. The darkness evaporated. "Now I'm in a really bad mood. Where's Kiba."
"Just look for that monster of a dog," Jiraiya suggested. "It's amazing that the thing hasn't pissed on the Christmas tree yet."
"He has," Naruto said, wrinkling up his nose.
When Tsunade walked over to check Kiba's pockets, she told him to enjoy the rest of the party. It might be the last fun he had for a few weeks. Trembling after she left, the young ninja took out the stash of plants he had hidden down inside his pants. He had sold off the twigs that Lee had carried out from the Medical Center. All that was left were the things that he had personally swiped. He assumed they were one of the different species of mistletoe.
"So… you were the thief…" Sakura smiled. She didn't approve of the action. But, she knew something that Kiba didn't. "Oh… urk… hello, Akamaru…" Slobber dripped off of her face after the huge dog ran his tongue over her in greeting.
"Yes," Kiba said. Being a good guy, he wasn't about to finger Lee. "I may end up in a lot of trouble, but it was worth it."
"I hope so" Sakura said. "Because someone also stole a lot of Poison Oak." She winked, pointing at the plants in his hand.
"Shit…" Kiba turned pale. He could feel his balls itching already.
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The wonderful festive folk music didn't sound too cheerful at the moment.
Standing alone in one corner of the room, Lee sighed. He really should have spoken up and taken some of the blame with Kiba. There was no doubt that his friend would call him an 'idiot' if he did so; but, keeping quiet seemed almost treasonous.
"Hey… Lee… why such a long face…" Naruto slid to a stop. Just when he had thought that Sakura had calmed down when Tsunade's shout had brought them to a halt, his teammate had tried to clobber out of principal.
"It…" Lee hung his head. "It is not your problem, Naruto."
"Wanted a kiss from Sakura, right?" Naruto smiled and gave Lee a big thumbs up. "It's pretty obvious, you know."
"It is?" Lee's substantial eyebrows went up. He blushed. "Then, I suppose my disgraceful failure is easy to see, too…"
"Nah-h-h-h…" Naruto slapped Lee on the back. "Everyone is paying attention to their own things tonight. Smile. It's a party. They have a whole table of Ramen!" He rubbed his belly with a satisfied smile. "They even served the clones while they were still here."
"Unfortunately, I don't have much of an appetite." Lee shook his head, looking down at his feet.
"Well… since you did catch me… maybe Sakura will be grateful." Naruto grinned. "After all, I put up quite a struggle." He made a muscle. "Just call for her. She'll be somewhere nearby. People keep telling her where they see me."
"What?" Lee looked puzzled. "Oh…" Understanding dawned in his eyes. At first he looked eager, and then sheepish. Then, he looked troubled. "But… you might get hurt… and it really was a misunderstanding…"
"What are friends for?" Naruto gave Lee a 'V' sign. "You'd do the same for me, right?"
"Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h… you are correct!" Lee smiled. He reached out and clasped Naruto's hand. He turned and shouted 'Sakura,' and then grabbed hold of Naruto, who put on a good show of struggling.
"There you are!" Sakura stepped out from behind a group of village council members who were drunk enough to be wobbling to and fro. "Good job, Lee. Thank you." She rubbed her hands together. "This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me…"
"I found her. The girl who destroyed our great work!" A man in a chef's vest pointed over at Sakura. He was accompanied by other members of a hired catering crew. All of them were carrying mallets and ice chisels.
"Oops…" Sakura swallowed hard. "I better get going…"
"Hey guys… don't hurt her." Naruto wasn't joking when he said that. He would do whatever necessary to protect a team member. "If she poses nude for you… and you can make a sculpture of that… will you let bygones be bygone?"
"NA… RU… TO-O-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-o…"
Sakura's cry grew fainter as she disappeared into the surging crowd. One of the caterers mentioned that Naruto had been the boy that had prompted the pink-haired ninja's actions. They all scowled and began advancing on him.
"Hey… I'll give you something to sculpt…" Naruto pulled down on his zipper. When the men all closed their eyes, covered their faces, or looked away, he disappeared, leaving a clone behind to face its punishment. "Sorry Lee…"
Bushy Eyebrows stood alone again.
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The genin and Academy students segregated themselves away from the older shinobi.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Konohamaru said, making a sour face. "Kissing is yucky. Girls are nothing but trouble."
"That's right," Udon said. "I'd rather lick a toad than kiss a girl."
"Jerks." Moegi, the third member of the 'Konohamaru Corps,' pulled down on one eyelid and stuck out her tongue.
"So… this is where they set up the nursery for the night…" Naruto came strutting up, enjoying a brief respite from Sakura, angry caterers, and everyone else he had managed to upset that evening. "But… I don't see the babysitters…"
"Very funny, Naruto." Konohamaru grasped his goggles and frowned. "I'm a better ninja than you are now. I'll be Hokage instead of you, too." He stuck out his lower lip in much the manner that Naruto often did.
"If you were such a great shinobi, would you get caught with a piece of mistletoe over yours and Moegi's head?" Naruto laughed, seeing his young friend turn dark red with anger. "You know the rules…"
"But… you know… the way you're holding it…" Udon hesitated to speak up. He pointed.
"It's over your head, too." Moegi smiled, clasped her hands together, and then shuffled her feet a bit."
"That's right!" Konohamaru said. "Buffoon!"
"You probably like me, because I have the form of a mature woman." Moegi sighed and puckered her lips.
"Shit!" Naruto took off. "Here… he'll do…" Once again he left a clone behind to accept the consequences. Moegi ignored the copy, running after him.
The village's noisiest ninja and his pursuer stepped on toes, knocked drinks down women's cleavagesby accident, and trampled the sheet music being used by one group of minstrels.
"Isn't she too young for you!" Kiba laughed as Naruto sped past. His smiled faded. He felt a strong urge to scratch his itches again.
"NARUTO!"
Sakura began running behind Moegi. "You can have him after I'm done," Sakura said.
Moegi misinterpreted the other girl's statement. She thought that she had competition for Naruto's kiss. As a result, she tossed one of the intact ice sculptures at Sakura's feet, causing her to trip, fall on it, and slide. The pink-haired girl slid to a stop just in front of the group of ice craftsmen.
Naruto ran past Ino so fast, that her hair was blown out straight to the side for a moment. She didn't pay it any attention. The moment she had been waiting for all night was there. Shikamaru was cornered. He had exhausted his chakra, and no longer was capable of using his Shadow Bind to stop her. Just a few more inches, and the mistletoe would be above their heads.
"This is truly bothersome," Shikamaru said. He swallowed hard, wishing he was somewhere watching the clouds drifting across the moon.
"There's… no… escape… now…" Ino closed her eyes, puckering her lips. Something struck her hard in the back, pushing her forward. Her lips met someone else's.
"Does this mean we're a couple, Ino?" That was Choji, heaped plate in hand. He had just walked up, and was the recipient of Ino's misplaced smooch.
"Sorry!" Moegi called out an apology as she ricocheted off of Ino.
"Someone is going to pay!" Ino stamped her foot. When she had opened her eyes, the first thing she saw after noticing Choji's smile, was an empty spot where her other teammate had been standing.
"Drumstick?" Choji asked. The turkey was to die for.
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For every minute that passed, someone found reason to be upset at Naruto.
Once again, the clones he created to aid in his escape were causing havoc. One got into the spiked eggnog, drank too much, and then proceeded to moon the Hokage, the village elders, and a group of visiting dignitaries.
"It's just like knocking over a damned domino or something!" Naruto griped, as he disguised himself as a small cut spruce and watched as one mob of shouting civilians passed him by. "I didn't ask that clone to fart in the middle of their ceremonial wine tasting contest."
Some day, he would get his vengeance on Kiba. While his friend wasn't directly to blame for any of the trouble, he had been the one who brought the mistletoe to the party. That was what set everything in motion.
"I guess I have to live to see another day, first." Naruto shivered for an instant. One of the clones had walked up behind Anko and goosed her pretty fierce. If she was angry, he was dead. If she liked it, he was in even hotter water. "I don't know why everyone is in such a bad mood tonight. Whatever happened to the holiday spirit?"
Running again, he almost lost his balance, wind milling his arms and trying to keep from crashing into Gai, who was standing by himself with a very long look on his face. Feeling a bit of good cheer despite everything, he told the jounin that the color of his outfit was actually appropriate for the evening. With an impish grin, he tore down a long red felt ribbon and suggested that the other ninja tie a big red bow around himself.
"There he is. The hoodlum who knocked off my toupee." One of the more powerful clan leaders pointed at Naruto and snapped his fingers. The family guards started running in his direction.
"He's the one who made me drop my favorite jewelry into the pâte!" A rather robust looking woman dressed in furs stood with a small wizened old man.
"And, she can't have it back until I… ahem… pass it through me…" The retired business mogul had swallowed his wife's heirloom brooch. "I never did like the blasted thing," he muttered to himself.
The elderly gentleman wasn't the only one who had suffered a similar fate. "I swallowed a lit cigarette when you bumped into me." Asuna didn't look too happy himself.
Ebisu stood next to him, quietly steaming. He was covered with nose blood. Naruto had said 'Merry Christmas,' performed the Harem No Justsu, and left the girls to give the jounin a kiss. Each had been wearing a Santa hat, but nothing else.
"Gotta go," Naruto told Gai, saluting. Spying an open door, he ran for it. The opening lead out to a terrace, one that gave a good view of the stars and the light of the city.
It was cold outside, as the large porch was open to the weather, having no roof or windows. His breath forming whispy clouds, Naruto came close to slipping a couple of times on the icy tiles. Someone had neglected to clear away the snow and sheets of frozen water.
"Oi! Neji!" Naruto caught sight of his friend just as he jumped up onto a low sloped bit of roofing. "How's it going?"
Neji and Ten Ten had stepped outside for some privacy. The two of them were still very hesitant to let their relationship be known. Arms around each other, they had been in the middle of a kiss. As Naruto ran past, a miniature avalanche of snow broke free from the roof, slid off, and covered the two entirely.
"Hey! Iruka-sensei!" Naruto leaped down to the terrace again. He waved to Iruka, who was sitting on the edge of the balcony holding hands with Ayame.
"Stop that boy!" One of the myriad pursuers shouted. They were all running too fast, and too closely packed together. When one of them fell, the rest followed suit. Those that weren't stopped by Neji and Ten Ten's snow covered forms slid across the slick stone. En masse, they bowled Iruka over the edge. Ayame held on to his wrist to keep him from falling to the street below. Everyone else scrambled to lend a hand, as Naruto made his way back inside.
"Nice getting a chance to see all my friends," Naruto said to himself. Just as he felt able to breath a sigh of relief, he froze. Someone had put the cold and sharp edge of a blade against the back of his neck.
"Going to finish what you started? Hmmm-mm-m…" It was Anko. She scratched him, the leaned over to lick away the blood. She knew that he didn't have any intention to get intimate. Frightened, he would make better prey.
"That's what I want to know," Moegi said. The small girl pulled the goggles over her eyes and glared at Anko.
"I get him first." That was Sakura. "I've suffered the longest as his teammate. And, I was the first one embarrassed tonight."
"Leave part of him intact," Ino said walking up.
"But not too much of him," Ten Ten said, brushing snow off of her rented cloak.
"I might not need to punish you after all," Tsunade said to Naruto, stepping into the scene. "I hereby deputize you girls to act on my behalf."
"Heh heh heh… it was all a big misunderstanding…" Naruto swallowed hard, his throat going dry. He was sweating big time. "You want the guy who started it all. The one with the mistletoe." That gave him an idea. He held the mistletoe over his head. "First come first serve."
"I'll kiss him…" Anko ran a hand through her hair. "If I'm the one who gets to kill him."
"Gah!" Naruto almost choked. He was pretty certain that Anko was joking. But with her, it didn't pay to have any uncertainty.
"Let me kiss him…" Moegi brought her hands under her chin. She turned bright pink. "Then you can kill him." That earned her a smile from Anko.
Neji, Iruka, and Kiba walked over. They were followed by Shikamaru, Choji, and Shino. Not too long after that, Konohamaru and Udon wandered over, followed by Jiraiya and a growing number of spectators.
"Guys… a little help…" Naruto tried to smile. He failed miserably.
"You got yourself into this one, Naruto." Neji didn't look too sympathetic.
"Too troublesome," Shikamaru said.
"I taught you better than this…" Jiraiya remarked. "Pearls before swine…"
"I shouldn't do anything strenuous for at least thirty minutes after eating." Choji looked apologetic.
"Oooooo-oooo-ooo-oo-o…" Lee came sailing through the air in dramatic fashion. He landed in front of Naruto, took out a number of smoke bombs, and threw them down on the floor. "You would have risked injury for me… I will do this for you…"
"You Rock, Lee." Naruto's quip had a number of his friends groaning.
That said, he took off like a bat out of hell.
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The building didn't tremble.
No one called out in shock. There was no burnt earth smell that usually accompanied a successful summoning of Gama-Bunta.
"Damn!" Naruto had hoped to use the Frog Boss as a means of escape. No one would mess with a one hundred meter tall toad.
"How's it hanging?" It was Gamakichi. The young toad looked over at the advancing group of women. "Are those all your…" He held out the little finger on one hand, signaling 'girlfriend.'
"You better move!" Naruto dashed from view. The poor amphibian was sent end over end, bouncing off of partygoer's rumps, chests, and heads before ending up in a large punch fountain.
"Want some punch?" He scooped some drink out of the lower basin with a nearby cup and offered it to a young girl. The girl shrieked and took off looking for her mother. "Humans." Gamakichi began swimming around on his back.
"That's disgusting." Pakkun stood looking at Gamakichi. "You're giving creatures like us a bad name." The dog then sat down and began licking his privates.
Naruto meanwhile, managed to careen off of Genma, Kumogi, Yajirobee, Izumo, Raido, and Sukima. They all had various mishaps and joined the procession. Tanzou, Shibire, and Okyou watched the mayhem, politely hiding smiles. That is, they did until a number of fruit bowls went airborne, ending up on their heads.
"The Sand and Sound didn't do this much damage!" Tsunade began directing shinobi, like a general leading his troops. "There's a reward for the person who catches Uzumaki Naruto." That felt great to say. But, it was a tactical error. The whole room got in on the game.
Clones appeared. And then more clones. Followed by even more. Soon, there were enough for each and every person to catch at least one. Shouts of victory turned into moans of defeat, as copy after copy popped out of existence.
Gai stood by quietly, occasionally checking above his head to see if the mistletoe was still there. He almost lost it when his own summoning, Ninkame, slowly walked into view Why was he there? Before he could ask, a girl came over.
"How cute…" The girl clapped her hands, kissed the turtle on his worn and battered shell, and then went to meet up with her friends.
Ninkame turned to look at Gai and smirked.
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There was no way to make it back outside and jump down to the street.
All of the exits were well covered, crowded by kunoichi of all ages. He couldn't even jump through a window like a hero in an action move or anime. The frosted panes of glass were too small and covered with rusty iron bars.
"This is ridiculous!" Naruto ducked inside of a coat closet. No one would look for him there. Or so he thought. For once, he wasn't at his most clever. When people left to go home, they usually retrieved their outerwear.
"Naruto-kun…" Hinata's eyes went wide when she caught sight of Naruto sitting underneath a row of coats. Put off by all the tumult and chaotic brouhaha, and unable to work up the courage to approach a certain unpredictable boy, she had been ready to quit the party.
"HINATA CAUGHT HIM!"
That sounded like Sakura's voice. Soon she, Tsunade, and a group of girls surrounded the coat closet.
"Great job, Hinata." The Hokage took out a piece of mistletoe she had reclaimed. "Everyone one else make certain he has no way out." She watched as Anko, Kurenai, and Yugao began directing a troop of young women. "I have your reward right here."
"Ma'am…" Hinata looked bewildered, finding herself the center of attention. Naruto tried to burrow his way to freedom, with no success.
"This is your reward," Tsunade said, tying the mistletoe twig on the coat rack. "Now, go sit next to Naruto."
"You can do it," Ten Ten said, offering support.
"I don't know why she would want to," Ino said quietly to Sakura.
"Shhhh-hhh-hh-h…" Sakura shushed, smiling at the look on Ino's face. "This is historic…"
Hinata took a tentative step, but stopped. She was too shy to approach Naruto in private. How was she going to do it now, with so many people watching?
"You know you want to," Kurenai said, not wanting to miss this. "Remember what we talked about. It's just like any mission. Just believe in yourself. Remember your Ninja Way."
"Huh…" Naruto looked over at the white-eyed girl. What was Kurenai talking about?
Hinata nodded her head. Taking a deep breath, she sat down next to Naruto.
"You know what to do now, Naruto." Sakura said. "But, if you do to her what the clone did to me, I'll break you in half."
"I'll help!" A large number of watchers chimed in at once.
"But… this…" Naruto made a face. He didn't like to be forced into anything.
"Give Hinata a nice kiss, or consider yourself scratched from all missions for a month." Tsunade folded her arms across her ample bosom.
"Hey!" Naruto stood up, banging his head on the coat bar. Stars danced before his eyes. "That's not fair, Old Lady. You can't…" He was interrupted.
"Two months!" Tsunade shook her finger at him. She wasn't kidding. "And I will tell each and every noodle shop in Konoha that you are persona non grata for the same amount of time."
"You wouldn't!" Naruto twitched.
"Want to bet?" The Hokage smiled. She might not be the best gambler, but this was a sure thing.
"Alright… OK… fine…" Naruto sighed. "But close the door. This is private."
"No funny business," Kurenai said, looking very stern.
Not long after the door closed, and things went dark, Naruto leaned over to get the kiss over with. Hinata passed out. The sound of a thump had Tsunade opening the door immediately.
"Wake her up gently," the Hokage said. "Then, try it again."
It took ten tries, but Hinata finally got her kiss. Naruto walked out of the closet, his hand on his lips. He was feeling funny. That had been kind of nice. But, he wasn't about to tell anyone. Hinata had a smile on her face for the rest of the evening.
"I did good, right?" Kiba was trying to salvage something from his being caught. "I mean, that never would have happened if I didn't… borrow… the plants." He couldn't help but itch himself again.
"Your sentence will be reduced a bit, for good behavior." The Hokage'ssteely gazepromised a fitting punishment.
"It was such a good plan," Kiba whispered.
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The lights of the village looked so friendly.
Lee didn't feel in the mood for good cheer, however. He sighed, looking up at the stars.
"Why are you out here by yourself, Lee?" Sakura stepped over to stand by him. "Too noisy for you in there?"
"No," Lee said, shaking his head. "I just wanted some time to think."
"I see," Sakura said. Shestated to walk away. But stopped. She raised an eyebrow, thinking she must know the answer. "Here." She held up one of the pieces of mistletoe that she had confiscated. "Just this once."
"Ahhh-hh-h…" Lee's eyes lit up, as if there was a fire inside him. He leaned over and got a chaste kiss from the medical ninja. "Thank you." His smile grew until it threatened to crack his face.
"Don't get any ideas, though!" Sakura clenched and unclenched her fists.
Lee struck his most heroic pose.
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The clean up crew turned out the lights.
Most of the tables had been put away, and the floor had been swept. They could come back and take care of the rest of it in the morning.
Everyone thought that the strange looking man in the corner was a statue. But, everyone was wrong. They could be excused, however. All but one of the revelers had gone home hours ago,
Gai still stood in his spot, looking up at the mistletoe.
END