A Courtesan's Dreams

by She's a Star

A/N: This takes place sometime after the Elephant Love Medley, and before Come What May. Just had to clear that up. *grins*

Disclaimer: Moulin Rouge belongs to the brilliant (and yet ignored by the Oscars...*pouts*) Baz Luhrmann. 'Only Hope' belongs to...I do not know. Mandy Moore recorded it, but I'm not sure if it was a cover or an original song. So let's just say it's Mandy's. All righty then.



~*~



Satine was being exceptionally quiet.

Normally, while Christian wrote she read over his shoulder, making suggestions and giggling while she talked about different dancers at the Rouge. Her blue eyes would sparkle happily with a sort of childlike happiness that they only contained when she was with him.

However, tonight she looked far off and distant, preoccupied.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked her as he tore a completed page from his typewriter, looked it over for a moment, and then sat it upon all the others he'd written.

Satine didn't answer...just stared out his window, forlornly studying the Moulin Rouge.

"Satine?" he asked tentatively.

She shook her head slightly, as though just realizing that he was in the room.

"Oh, Christian," she said with a faint smile that was a mere shadow of her usual radiant one, "I'm sorry...I'm so tired."

Christian doubted fatigue was the cause of her silence, but didn't push her any further. Instead, he stood up from his chair where he'd been for the last hour writing and sat next to her on the bed. A soft sigh escaped her lips, which looked strangely pale without her normal crimson lipstick.

"Darling, what's wrong?" he asked, taking one of her hands in his own. "You can tell me."

She was quiet for a moment as she studied him intently, then brushed a few strands of dark hair from his eyes with her free hand.

Just as he was about to give up and decide she wasn't in the mood to talk, Satine said softly, "Christian?"

"Yes?" he asked immediately, eager to find out what was bothering her.

"What do you want more than anything?" she asked, her tone naive and vulnerable. "More than anything in the world."

Her eyes were suddenly shining with unshed tears, and Christian felt a terrible ache in his heart for her.

"I have everything I've ever wanted," he said, kissing her forehead lightly. "I have you, and that's all I need."

Satine smiled, but it was a tired, almost jaded smile, and a tear slowly made its way down her cheek. She quickly turned away.

"Something in my eye," she murmured to him. "An eyelash, I think-"

"Satine, you don't have to hide anything from me," Christian said quietly. "I love you, I love everything about you...I love you for you. Just don't pretend with me."

When Satine turned back, she was smiling, but it looked almost forced.

"I really lucked out when I got you," she said softly, planting a kiss on his lips. When she pulled away, she still wore a smile, but it wasn't her own. She almost looked like a stranger. Still, Christian knew it was best not to push her.

After a moment of silence, Christian asked, "What do YOU want more than anything?"

Satine shrugged with practiced nonchalance. "Oh, I don't know. Good night, Christian."

And with that, she climbed under the ratty old comforter and closed her eyes.

Christian climbed under the blankets as well, but he already knew that sleep was impossible. He needed to know what was the matter with her...he needed to help her. The silence between them seemed to be screaming in his ears, taunting him, singing out that he couldn't help her when she was obviously in pain. A shiver ran up and down Christian's spine, and he felt oddly cold, even though Satine's warm body lay right next to his own.

"Christian?" Satine asked tentatively.

Christian opened his mouth to reply, but closed it again at her next words.

"I know you're sleeping now, so I suppose I can tell you," she laughed shortly. "You won't remember it, anyway."

Christian felt a bit guilty...it was almost like eavesdropping, even if the words were directed towards him. He wasn't supposed to hear them. But still...he needed to know what was bothering her, or he was positive he'd go mad.

"You'd laugh if you were awake, I bet," Satine continued softly, her words containing a hint of bitterness. "It's stupid, that I was CRYING over something so minor...it's just...that question I asked you. About what you wanted most. I just...couldn't work up the courage to tell you. But oh, I know you, you wouldn't laugh. But...I don't want to hear me say it, almost. I don't want to give myself any hope. I don't deserve hope, after everything I've done."

She sighed, then said in a barely audible whisper, "I want to get married, Christian. And wear a long, white dress made of satin, with a crown of pink roses instead of a veil." Another self-loathing laugh containing no trace of humor escaped her lips. "I'm so pathetic. I've got my wedding dress planned out, and I'm a courtesan, for God's sake. But...I don't want very many people there. A small wedding. Outside...in the sun, with a cloudless blue sky. And then I want to move to the country, and have a little house and children and a puppy. Scarlett, James, and Alfie." She laughed again, though this time it was more light and carefree. "Alfie's the puppy, of course."

Christian grinned to himself.

"And we'll grow old together," she continued, her tone soft and dreamy. "And you'll still love me, even when I'm not beautiful...when my skin's all wrinkled and my hair is gray and there's no point in loving me any longer."

Christian wanted so badly to speak, to tell her that she would always be the most beautiful creature in the world, but he remained silent.

"And you'll become a famous author," she sighed. "And you'll tell the world our story with a happy ending." Sighing again, she said, "But our story can't have a happy ending, can it? Our love is forbidden...but I can't help but...dream."

She laughed shortly. "But what's the point? A courtesan's dreams are worth as much as her soul. Nothing. Pointless. Shouldn't even have them. All a courtesan needs is beauty...that's her purpose, after all, isn't it? To be beautiful and to create fantasies. But we can't have our own fantasies...we live to serve desire, to serve sin."

Her voice soft and haunting, she began to sing.

"There's a song that's inside of my soul...

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again.

I'm awake in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again."

Satine's voice, so haunting only moments before, became light and happy as she sang the next words.

"So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands and pray

To be only yours

I pray

To be only yours

I know now

You're my only hope..."

With one last sigh, Satine kissed Christian tenderly on the cheek and then rolled over, murmuring, "Good night Christian...I love you."

As those words escaped her lips, Christian swore to himself that he would save her. He would take her away from this place of sin to where she could truly shine.

He would make all her dreams come true.

He would prove to her that no one's dreams were worthless, and that her soul was more beautiful than her stunning features.

Because if her song was true, he had to save her.

He was her only hope.