Disclaimer: *braces herself* I don't own them!
A/N: I have to thank another fanfiction for the inspiration of this one; I was reading one, and it was mentioned in passing in it something about visitors to...well, you'll see.;)
Rating: PG-13 (Or R, I can't dedicde but to *me* it's more PG-13)
Archive: Not without telling me first!;)
Warning: This contains mild amounts of SLASH. That's yaoi, Guy/Guy, or more pointedly, Remus and Sirius. You've been warned.
Please review as I'm anxious to know what ya'll think of this, and if you like you can flame. I have marshmellows.
'---' Signifies scene change or a change in pov. This fiction flips between Remus' POV and Sirius'.
Chocolate
Not even a door. There was not even a door that stood between he and I, just this gate whose bars did nothing to obscure the view of it.
I wonder why I came here, but already know.
It was six months ago that they'd had his trial, though it had not been much of one. But then, they didn't need it to be, he was guilty: it was already so very obvious.
That's what….
That's what had brought me here. That it all had been so obvious; I had lately found myself wanting to ask Sirius. Ask if this were true, if it seemed all so clear because that's how it happened or if there was something I was missing, something I didn't know.
That's what brought me here, to the gate, to the only thing now that blocked my way into Azkaban.
---
"He's this way if you'll have him."
"Thank you…"
"Mind now, I can't take you all the way in. They're going to have to go the rest of the way with you," The escort said, then, leaning in he whispered to me, "Just keep your thoughts neutral, sad's better and they won't have no interest."
I nodded and did the best I could to reassure him with a smile.
He didn't look overly convinced and as I continued down the narrow hall-moss covered stones making up the ground and walls, making them slick with damp-he watched for a moment, then turned and went back outside the entrance.
As I went further the ground became muddy, with patches of trodden hay lying about in corners and selected nooks. I wasn't sure how it had gotten there, until I was taken passed the cells and saw the tiny piles of it in some of them. I supposed then that it was a bed of a sort, but now, now it comes clearly to me that Azkaban would have had no such conveniences and that the hay must have had some other purpose I never found out.
I came to the end of the lonely hall and met with one of the Dementors. It seemed overly pungent to me, smelling of something I haven't been able to name yet. It was unpleasant to look at as well: I could make out nothing but the robe it wore hanging disconcertingly over its narrow body.
I swallowed as I reached it and it turned, guiding me through more rooms-all stone and all humid with scent-until we came to the long walk on either side of which were the cells.
He pointed, and I followed.
They all had tiny metal doors embedded in their walls, the entire top of the door was a set of bars, the rest solid.
As I walked on alone, I did not want to look in them, but couldn't help myself.
The people in them lay like bodies, one in each tiny, darkened, compartment. Some had windows, most had nothing.
Every once and a while a face would appear at one of the doors and rant to me about something that made no sense.
I finally stopped wondering what was in each cell, as one man's face appeared to me:
He looked tired and worn, dirt coding a gaunt expression, "They like us, here." He said, stopping me, his eyes darting everywhere but at me.
"They like to hear us screaming when the moon gets full. They like it when we're not us anymore." His eyes found mine now and I started.
I hurried away from him and the next cell provided what I sought.
"Sirius…." He too lay there on the ground, but at the sound of my voice he looked up; it was obvious he hadn't been here as long as the others for he still retained something of awareness, even if it was dimmer than the sort I'd known in him all through school.
"Remus!"
---
I through myself at the door, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I didn't believe it.
"Remus, you came, you came…oh god…thank you…" I was holding the bars at the top of my door now, I wanted to get so much closer to him then I could.
He looked so…so much the same! What did I expect, it'd only been six months. Only been…and at the same time…
"You look tired." I said dumbly.
He almost smiled then, "Yes, I know. So do you."
I smiled at him but felt it quickly draining, damn this place. I'm sure he saw me falter and in that instant, with the same quickness of caring Remus had always had, he stepped closer.
"Sirius! Are you-" He stepped back again, with something like hatred in his face. But it looked false on him, it looked as though he was trying too much for it to be there, for it to be real.
"Remus…oh, Moony, my Moony…" My voice was an exhale and it cracked on his name, I closed my eyes and looked down and felt exhaustion.
"No!" He almost shouted, "No, Sirius! Don't call me that! You killed them, you killed all of them and you call me *that*?!"
I had never seen Remus react in such a way-not even when James and…and Lily, when they had.... No, not even then.
"Remus, I-"
"You didn't think at all about anyone else but you! You didn't even think about *me*, Sirius! About what it would do to me to be left all alone like this, to be left with the wolf and no one else! You told me you *loved* me," His voice choked then but he steadied himself and continued in sad, angry tones, "You swore to me! And then you never even thought about what you were doing!"
"Remus! I *didn't* do it! How can you believe that I did? I wouldn't! Not to James and Lily, not to them, Remus, not to them and never to you…."
Remus looked down to the cold stone floor, staring at nothing in particular. His eyes had given up and he cried more freely now.
I remained at the bars, pressing into them, wanting to wrap him in my arms and hold him till everything was healed again. Inside him, inside me, and out there in the world.
"But…Peter…he's dead and they have people who…who saw you do it, Sirius. Don't lie to me, they saw you do it."
"I don't know what they saw but it wasn't that, Remus! Look at me, please! Look at me…"
He pulled his eyes up to me as if they were weights, too heavy to lift quickly. When finally I was looking into them, to their golden hue, and when I knew him to be looking in mine, I spoke:
"Moony…I didn't lie. I would never lie about this; I wouldn't lie to you. I didn't kill Peter. I didn't kill all those Muggles, and I never, never touched James or Lily. I was…I wasn't their secret keeper! We changed it at the last minute-we changed it to Peter."
He looked so confused, so hurt, as though it was painful for him just to stand up anymore.
"Sirius…why would you change it without telling me…"
---
I saw Sirius swallow and for the first time ever he looked guilty. About something.
"Oh, I see… They thought…that since I was a werewolf it might be safer not to let me know. I am a 'dark creature' after everything." I let out a long sigh and paced briefly.
Sirius looked as though he wanted to speak, but said nothing.
"They're blaming me, you know. They say I had a hand in it, and I must say it does look fairly convincing. We were all so close and now they're all dead, you're in…in here, and I'm the only one free? It's too convenient for them to believe."
"But you didn't, how bloody stupid could they be out there!" Sirius snarled.
"How do you know I didn't? If you're so innocent, how do you know I didn't do it?"
He rolled his eyes as if I were being ridiculous.
"I *do* kill you know, Sirius! I want to every moon!" I wasn't sure what I was defending, but I think now perhaps I just wanted to see how he'd answer.
"That's not you, Moony. It's never been you…. You're not a killer, I don't fall in love with killers…"
"Oh, Padfoot…" Closing my eyes I turned my head away, at the same moment moving nearer to him, until I was against the cell door, with my cheek inches from the bars and my hands resting against the metal below me, as if, if I concentrated enough, it would vanish and I would be free to hold him.
"Moony…? Do you believe me…?" He sounded so much like a child then, like some tiny boy needing to be trusted.
"I…do…Sirius." I looked at him, and we stared for a while, he reached his own hand out from between those damnable bars and brushed away my hair, pushed it gently back from my face and cupped my cheek.
"So sweet…" He murmured to me, and I swore to him in that moment that I would never leave, never betray him. And never doubt him…
"I know, Moony…" His voice still clings to me, so soft and earnest, so thankful.
"…Your Moony." I told him in a whispered.
"Mine." He said as though he never doubted it.
We stayed that way for a time, his hand stroking my face, my hair and running down my arm as far as the metal would allow us.
I wished then, as I still do now, that if forever existed, it would come to us in that moment, so that I would never have to leave, never have to face the morning without him.
But I sensed rather than heard the Dementor coming.
"They're going to take me away. They're going to make me leave, Sirius, I can't! I can't go! They should put me in here with you, at least I'd be with you!" I said, a rising panic in my voice.
"Shh! No! No, Remus, no. Don't say that…you need to be out there. I couldn't think of you in a place like this, in a place with so much misery." He smiled then almost sadly, "You need to be out there, living. I need you to be happy for both of us…"
"But-"
"No…"
I nodded. "Sirius, my Sirius, I'll come to see you again. You won't be alone for long. They won't let me come every day, I…I already asked."
In that moment he and I both knew I'd never really thought him guilty. We both knew I'd had faith in him as always, I already had asked if I could see him everyday, it was the same as declaring unwavering trust in him.
"Come when you can…please come when you can… But you'll always be with me… In my thoughts and dreams.They don't read the dog's dreams so well…"
I spared a smile as I cried again.
In the next moment our lips were together, his so rough from this blasted place and mine so much the same as they always had been.
Though his lips were cold, his mouth was hot and I lingered there.
The bars pressed against the sides of our faces, stopping us from being fully able to complete the moment. But it still remains one of the best moments-the best kiss of my entire life. It all had a soothing, soft passion to it.
With the cold bars against us, the damp, humid air, the sadness of this place, and the feeling of him.
It was also the last kiss I would share with anyone for thirteen years.
When finally we pulled apart, the Dementor was behind me and to the left.
I licked my lips to save all the flavour of him I could, and he reached out to feel my hair once more before I felt myself being pulled away by the Dementor.
I struggled in its unseen grip to turn and Sirius, who looked through the bars, I knew his expression to mean he was trying to put a brave face on, and it hurt me that I could do nothing to help him over come this place. At least not while I wasn't here.
"Sirius! I never believed them-always trusted you! I love you, Padfoot…" I called out again losing myself to a sort of bounded panic.
"I know, Moony… I love you, *my* *Moony*…." He shouted as the Dementor took me from the hall.
---
I stood outside the great structure, unsure exactly how I'd gotten here. Though, now I knew why I'd come.
"Find what you were looking for, then?" The escort said as he approached me.
I started and looked up at him, "Yes…found, yes."
"Ah, you had a close run with a Dementor, eh? Here, have some chocolate. It helps. Found that out a couple years back."
I took it with out noticing and thanked him.
I found it more difficult to move my legs than I ever had before-even after the change. When I finally was able to walk, I felt each inch that separated me from Sirius, felt it all with a cold-heat somewhere in my chest.
The escort led me away down to the boat moors.
When I was back at my apartment again, Sirius was again in the paper. Always they were claiming new charges against him, new accusations all more far-fetched than the last. I didn't believe any of them.
But they began to find their way into my dreams.
Everytime I spoke to Dumbledore I couldn't help but think 'he doesn't believe Sirius..'. Everytime I spoke to anyone it was that way.
And despite…myself, despite my love…it all became too much. My own trials, my own accusations, the news of Harry, which had bloomed into a legend over the months…the horrible doubts the beast in me renewed. Though never did I truly believe them.
I found myself a thousand times at that gate. But I never was able again to go beyond it.
I never have been back to Azkaban since that day.
I told him, cried to him and only him, that I was sorry…so sorry…
I don't know, but I think he heard me, somewhere, in his dreams.
chocolate
AN2: You know the old saying of R/R?;) Well you've already done 50% of it! What good numbers! Now, your mission, should you choose to accept it: complete the other 50% and review!;)
A/N: I have to thank another fanfiction for the inspiration of this one; I was reading one, and it was mentioned in passing in it something about visitors to...well, you'll see.;)
Rating: PG-13 (Or R, I can't dedicde but to *me* it's more PG-13)
Archive: Not without telling me first!;)
Warning: This contains mild amounts of SLASH. That's yaoi, Guy/Guy, or more pointedly, Remus and Sirius. You've been warned.
Please review as I'm anxious to know what ya'll think of this, and if you like you can flame. I have marshmellows.
'---' Signifies scene change or a change in pov. This fiction flips between Remus' POV and Sirius'.
Chocolate
Not even a door. There was not even a door that stood between he and I, just this gate whose bars did nothing to obscure the view of it.
I wonder why I came here, but already know.
It was six months ago that they'd had his trial, though it had not been much of one. But then, they didn't need it to be, he was guilty: it was already so very obvious.
That's what….
That's what had brought me here. That it all had been so obvious; I had lately found myself wanting to ask Sirius. Ask if this were true, if it seemed all so clear because that's how it happened or if there was something I was missing, something I didn't know.
That's what brought me here, to the gate, to the only thing now that blocked my way into Azkaban.
---
"He's this way if you'll have him."
"Thank you…"
"Mind now, I can't take you all the way in. They're going to have to go the rest of the way with you," The escort said, then, leaning in he whispered to me, "Just keep your thoughts neutral, sad's better and they won't have no interest."
I nodded and did the best I could to reassure him with a smile.
He didn't look overly convinced and as I continued down the narrow hall-moss covered stones making up the ground and walls, making them slick with damp-he watched for a moment, then turned and went back outside the entrance.
As I went further the ground became muddy, with patches of trodden hay lying about in corners and selected nooks. I wasn't sure how it had gotten there, until I was taken passed the cells and saw the tiny piles of it in some of them. I supposed then that it was a bed of a sort, but now, now it comes clearly to me that Azkaban would have had no such conveniences and that the hay must have had some other purpose I never found out.
I came to the end of the lonely hall and met with one of the Dementors. It seemed overly pungent to me, smelling of something I haven't been able to name yet. It was unpleasant to look at as well: I could make out nothing but the robe it wore hanging disconcertingly over its narrow body.
I swallowed as I reached it and it turned, guiding me through more rooms-all stone and all humid with scent-until we came to the long walk on either side of which were the cells.
He pointed, and I followed.
They all had tiny metal doors embedded in their walls, the entire top of the door was a set of bars, the rest solid.
As I walked on alone, I did not want to look in them, but couldn't help myself.
The people in them lay like bodies, one in each tiny, darkened, compartment. Some had windows, most had nothing.
Every once and a while a face would appear at one of the doors and rant to me about something that made no sense.
I finally stopped wondering what was in each cell, as one man's face appeared to me:
He looked tired and worn, dirt coding a gaunt expression, "They like us, here." He said, stopping me, his eyes darting everywhere but at me.
"They like to hear us screaming when the moon gets full. They like it when we're not us anymore." His eyes found mine now and I started.
I hurried away from him and the next cell provided what I sought.
"Sirius…." He too lay there on the ground, but at the sound of my voice he looked up; it was obvious he hadn't been here as long as the others for he still retained something of awareness, even if it was dimmer than the sort I'd known in him all through school.
"Remus!"
---
I through myself at the door, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I didn't believe it.
"Remus, you came, you came…oh god…thank you…" I was holding the bars at the top of my door now, I wanted to get so much closer to him then I could.
He looked so…so much the same! What did I expect, it'd only been six months. Only been…and at the same time…
"You look tired." I said dumbly.
He almost smiled then, "Yes, I know. So do you."
I smiled at him but felt it quickly draining, damn this place. I'm sure he saw me falter and in that instant, with the same quickness of caring Remus had always had, he stepped closer.
"Sirius! Are you-" He stepped back again, with something like hatred in his face. But it looked false on him, it looked as though he was trying too much for it to be there, for it to be real.
"Remus…oh, Moony, my Moony…" My voice was an exhale and it cracked on his name, I closed my eyes and looked down and felt exhaustion.
"No!" He almost shouted, "No, Sirius! Don't call me that! You killed them, you killed all of them and you call me *that*?!"
I had never seen Remus react in such a way-not even when James and…and Lily, when they had.... No, not even then.
"Remus, I-"
"You didn't think at all about anyone else but you! You didn't even think about *me*, Sirius! About what it would do to me to be left all alone like this, to be left with the wolf and no one else! You told me you *loved* me," His voice choked then but he steadied himself and continued in sad, angry tones, "You swore to me! And then you never even thought about what you were doing!"
"Remus! I *didn't* do it! How can you believe that I did? I wouldn't! Not to James and Lily, not to them, Remus, not to them and never to you…."
Remus looked down to the cold stone floor, staring at nothing in particular. His eyes had given up and he cried more freely now.
I remained at the bars, pressing into them, wanting to wrap him in my arms and hold him till everything was healed again. Inside him, inside me, and out there in the world.
"But…Peter…he's dead and they have people who…who saw you do it, Sirius. Don't lie to me, they saw you do it."
"I don't know what they saw but it wasn't that, Remus! Look at me, please! Look at me…"
He pulled his eyes up to me as if they were weights, too heavy to lift quickly. When finally I was looking into them, to their golden hue, and when I knew him to be looking in mine, I spoke:
"Moony…I didn't lie. I would never lie about this; I wouldn't lie to you. I didn't kill Peter. I didn't kill all those Muggles, and I never, never touched James or Lily. I was…I wasn't their secret keeper! We changed it at the last minute-we changed it to Peter."
He looked so confused, so hurt, as though it was painful for him just to stand up anymore.
"Sirius…why would you change it without telling me…"
---
I saw Sirius swallow and for the first time ever he looked guilty. About something.
"Oh, I see… They thought…that since I was a werewolf it might be safer not to let me know. I am a 'dark creature' after everything." I let out a long sigh and paced briefly.
Sirius looked as though he wanted to speak, but said nothing.
"They're blaming me, you know. They say I had a hand in it, and I must say it does look fairly convincing. We were all so close and now they're all dead, you're in…in here, and I'm the only one free? It's too convenient for them to believe."
"But you didn't, how bloody stupid could they be out there!" Sirius snarled.
"How do you know I didn't? If you're so innocent, how do you know I didn't do it?"
He rolled his eyes as if I were being ridiculous.
"I *do* kill you know, Sirius! I want to every moon!" I wasn't sure what I was defending, but I think now perhaps I just wanted to see how he'd answer.
"That's not you, Moony. It's never been you…. You're not a killer, I don't fall in love with killers…"
"Oh, Padfoot…" Closing my eyes I turned my head away, at the same moment moving nearer to him, until I was against the cell door, with my cheek inches from the bars and my hands resting against the metal below me, as if, if I concentrated enough, it would vanish and I would be free to hold him.
"Moony…? Do you believe me…?" He sounded so much like a child then, like some tiny boy needing to be trusted.
"I…do…Sirius." I looked at him, and we stared for a while, he reached his own hand out from between those damnable bars and brushed away my hair, pushed it gently back from my face and cupped my cheek.
"So sweet…" He murmured to me, and I swore to him in that moment that I would never leave, never betray him. And never doubt him…
"I know, Moony…" His voice still clings to me, so soft and earnest, so thankful.
"…Your Moony." I told him in a whispered.
"Mine." He said as though he never doubted it.
We stayed that way for a time, his hand stroking my face, my hair and running down my arm as far as the metal would allow us.
I wished then, as I still do now, that if forever existed, it would come to us in that moment, so that I would never have to leave, never have to face the morning without him.
But I sensed rather than heard the Dementor coming.
"They're going to take me away. They're going to make me leave, Sirius, I can't! I can't go! They should put me in here with you, at least I'd be with you!" I said, a rising panic in my voice.
"Shh! No! No, Remus, no. Don't say that…you need to be out there. I couldn't think of you in a place like this, in a place with so much misery." He smiled then almost sadly, "You need to be out there, living. I need you to be happy for both of us…"
"But-"
"No…"
I nodded. "Sirius, my Sirius, I'll come to see you again. You won't be alone for long. They won't let me come every day, I…I already asked."
In that moment he and I both knew I'd never really thought him guilty. We both knew I'd had faith in him as always, I already had asked if I could see him everyday, it was the same as declaring unwavering trust in him.
"Come when you can…please come when you can… But you'll always be with me… In my thoughts and dreams.They don't read the dog's dreams so well…"
I spared a smile as I cried again.
In the next moment our lips were together, his so rough from this blasted place and mine so much the same as they always had been.
Though his lips were cold, his mouth was hot and I lingered there.
The bars pressed against the sides of our faces, stopping us from being fully able to complete the moment. But it still remains one of the best moments-the best kiss of my entire life. It all had a soothing, soft passion to it.
With the cold bars against us, the damp, humid air, the sadness of this place, and the feeling of him.
It was also the last kiss I would share with anyone for thirteen years.
When finally we pulled apart, the Dementor was behind me and to the left.
I licked my lips to save all the flavour of him I could, and he reached out to feel my hair once more before I felt myself being pulled away by the Dementor.
I struggled in its unseen grip to turn and Sirius, who looked through the bars, I knew his expression to mean he was trying to put a brave face on, and it hurt me that I could do nothing to help him over come this place. At least not while I wasn't here.
"Sirius! I never believed them-always trusted you! I love you, Padfoot…" I called out again losing myself to a sort of bounded panic.
"I know, Moony… I love you, *my* *Moony*…." He shouted as the Dementor took me from the hall.
---
I stood outside the great structure, unsure exactly how I'd gotten here. Though, now I knew why I'd come.
"Find what you were looking for, then?" The escort said as he approached me.
I started and looked up at him, "Yes…found, yes."
"Ah, you had a close run with a Dementor, eh? Here, have some chocolate. It helps. Found that out a couple years back."
I took it with out noticing and thanked him.
I found it more difficult to move my legs than I ever had before-even after the change. When I finally was able to walk, I felt each inch that separated me from Sirius, felt it all with a cold-heat somewhere in my chest.
The escort led me away down to the boat moors.
When I was back at my apartment again, Sirius was again in the paper. Always they were claiming new charges against him, new accusations all more far-fetched than the last. I didn't believe any of them.
But they began to find their way into my dreams.
Everytime I spoke to Dumbledore I couldn't help but think 'he doesn't believe Sirius..'. Everytime I spoke to anyone it was that way.
And despite…myself, despite my love…it all became too much. My own trials, my own accusations, the news of Harry, which had bloomed into a legend over the months…the horrible doubts the beast in me renewed. Though never did I truly believe them.
I found myself a thousand times at that gate. But I never was able again to go beyond it.
I never have been back to Azkaban since that day.
I told him, cried to him and only him, that I was sorry…so sorry…
I don't know, but I think he heard me, somewhere, in his dreams.
chocolate
AN2: You know the old saying of R/R?;) Well you've already done 50% of it! What good numbers! Now, your mission, should you choose to accept it: complete the other 50% and review!;)