Title: Caution! (While in use...)
Summary: Hiruma x Musashi if you squint. The dog's in there too.
Disclaimer: Eyeshield 21 belongs to Riichiro Inagaki and Yusuke Murata and Shonen Jump and VIZ Media and NAS and NFL Japan and oh, so many people who aren't me. I'm borrowing Christopher Moore's writing style from The Stupidest Angel as well. Don't kill me, Mr. Moore! It was just a writing exercise.
Clang.
Cerberus rolled over, growling softly. He dreamt of good things, like taking a satisfying crap on a pristine green lawn, or coming across a group of laughing children at play who turned out to be really slow runners.
Clang. Clang. Clang. "Ah, fuck!" CLANG. "Shit!"
Cerberus opened one eye. Food Guy was yelling.
"Fucking shit ass piece of crap! God damned lying instruction manual!"
Cerberus closed his eye, snorting. At least the yelling wasn't directed at him.
"Motherfucking cock-sucking useless overpriced--"
The swearing was beginning to betray a shortness of breath. And then, just as visions of garbage cans and overturned motoyaki stands started to wash hazily into view--
"C... CERBERUS!"
The dog was in the clubhouse in a matter of seconds. Food Guy had something for him to do!
Sleep was fun, but Food Guy was super fun!
But what was this? Calamity! Food Guy was trapped! Cerberus barked. Don't die, Food Guy! he wanted to say. The food is in the big white box, and I can't reach it on my own!
"Don't... just stand there, you fucking mutt. Go and get help."
Food Guy was acting strange. Cerberus cocked his head to the side and whined. Help? He didn't know this word, help. It wasn't one of the commands Food Guy had taught him. New words were easier to remember anyhow when they were accompanied by pointing, and also if there was a reward afterwards.
"Look... go and get the fucking... fetch someone, all right? Just fucking fetch anybody!"
Cerberus barked. Fetch, he knew that word! He darted off.
"Good boy."
And returned with one of Food Guy's big black shiny sticks. It was his favourite too, with all of the best shiny bits. If you put that other stick down, and pick up this one instead, it will be okay! Cerberus barked.
"Fuck! No, you stupid... BAD DOG. Do you understand? BAD."
Oh, no. Cerberus dropped the stick and sank to the floor, howling pathetically. He really didn't care when other people said those words, but somehow it mattered when it came from Food Guy, because Food Guy yelled constantly, but he never used The Words unless he really meant it.
"Che! There's no time for that. Damn mutt... Go and fetch a person, can you do that? Get. Me. A. Fucking. Person."
Oooh. Cerberus darted off, barking again. He knew how to fetch people. It was like chasing squirrels, only beter. He loved Food Guy. Food Guy always had the best ideas.
"Wha--"
Cerberus ran, feeling very pleased with himself. What luck! One of Food Guy's friends was walking around outside, only a few blocks away! They never did any of the usual things that friends did, like smelling each others' butts, but Cerberus knew they still liked each other.
He called this person Backup (Emergency) Food Guy, because he was around so much. And now he had the one thing that would get Backup Food Guy's attention--
Cerberus dodged several well-placed kicks, and recovered quickly from the few that hit home.
He reminded himself that it was all for Food Guy...
Cerberus burst in through the front door, with Backup Food Guy hot on his paws. He barked at the top of his lungs.
And it was just in time, too. Food Guy's face was turning a funny colour. Maybe Backup Food Guy would talk some sense into him, and tell Food Guy to let go of that big metal stick with the heavy things on. Then he wouldn't be trapped any more!
"That's too much weight for you." Backup Food Guy let out an exasperated sigh, and took the silver metal stick from Food Guy's hands, replacing it on the metal frame used to hold it.
"You shouldn't lift free weights without someone spotting you. It's dangerous, and the damage that could be done outweighs any possible benefits."
"Che. Tell me something I don't know, old man."
Cerberus barked.
Musashi grabbed the dog by its spiked collar and snatched his bandana back.