AN: The fight between Tom and Ashley worried me a lot and I couldn't let go of it. And the fact that we haven't seen the solution of it makes it unbearable. So this is my attempt to fill in the missing scene. If you haven't watch Season 5 Episode 5, don't read further. Spoiler warning
„And you weren't there!" Her voice and the sentence and the implying was ringing in his head. He couldn't bear it. He slowed down his reaction, sat down on the stairs and cupped his face with his hands. There it was. He waited five years – five years – for that accusation. And when it finally dropped he wasn't prepared. He figured out he never ever could have been prepared for this. He felt like someone stabbed him with a knife.
"Oh Ashley." He whispered, shaking his head he repeated "Ashley".
Straitening a little on the steps he heard her speak again: "You don't belong here. You belong out there."
The next blow he had to take. The next stabbing at his heart. He looked at his son who was staring in disbelief at his sister and then at him, saying nothing at all. But had doubt all written over his face. Another stab to his heart. Then his eyes searched Sasha's. She was standing in the kitchen, eyes full of tears but didn't say a word. The imaginary knife hit him again. The most important people in the world to him stared at him, hoping for any reaction from him. He couldn't stand the pressure and the failure. He stood up, grabbed his keys and went out of the door. Leaving them behind.
Sitting in his truck he took a deep breath and started the car. He drove around for almost an hour. He didn't know how he got there but he was standing in front of the bar he used to visit with his colleagues from time to time. Walking in he made his way to the counter.
Joe the barkeeper greeted him "Oh Admiral, didn't expect you to see you on a weekday." While speaking he poured a glass of whiskey and handed it to him, knowing what Tom normally drank. Tom nodded his head and took the glass in his hand and tossed the burning liquid down in one swing. Putting the glass down he gestured for another shot. Joe took the bottle and poured him another drink.
"Keep it going, Joe." Tom said nodding to the liquid.
While sitting there and drinking one whiskey after the other, Ashley's words repeated in his head all over again. It was like being in a loop. "I'm sorry I'm the one you got stuck with. I'm sorry your mom died. And you weren't here. You don't belong here." Even after three hours since the fight the words hurt. What could he have done better? He hadn't had a choice five years ago, hadn't he? He knew they were save at the cabin. And finding the cure was his mission. He was a soldier after all. He takes orders and execute them without questioning them. And if it means to leave his family behind he has to do it, if he wants to or not. That's a soldier's and sailor's life. Darien knew this and he had thought that his kids knew it too. But apparently he was wrong. He downed the next glass down his throat and poured another drink. Joe had left the bottle at his side, so Tom was now half way through the bottle. At some point Joe had asked him for his keys. Thinking about to argue with him he had turned them over without a fight. Now he was staring into space.
"At least I'm honest. I'm not the one who told my new school my last name was Gerome." His own son negated his last name. Unbelievable.
"It's a lot of pressure being Tom Chandler's kids." Sasha's voice came to his mind.
"You knew about this?"
"It wasn't my place to say anything." How was it possible that she hasn't talked to him about it? It was the second time she said this sentence. What was going on? She was his girlfriend after all. He talked with her about his demons long time ago when they started dating again. She knew that he feared the accusation of not being there the most. She knew how he felt about it. And she said nothing! "It wasn't my place to say anything." How could she bring him into this position? Letting him run into the opened knife.
"How am I suddenly a stranger in my own home?" He didn't recognize his family any more. What has changed? His kids don't want to live with him anymore. His girlfriend is constantly on missions getting intel from all over the world.
"I'm trying to be here for you".
And all he got to hear was "And it shows. You shouldn't have to try dad."
What was going on? Why had he the feeling that his family was falling apart? What if Ashley was right? What if he really doesn't belong here? What if fate made a mistake and not his wife should have died but he?