Title: You Know What They Say About the Road to Hell

Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)

Genre: General (though considerably more angsty then I had planned)

Characters: Radek, John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon

Summary: When he stepped through the 'Gate that morning, Radek hadn't planned on getting married…

A/N: There will be a short epilogue to follow. It should be up within the next couple of days.

When he stepped through the 'Gate that morning, Radek hadn't planned on getting married. He knew he shouldn't have agreed to go with Sheppard's team off-world. It always ended about as happily as a fiery accident involving a school bus full of children and a train carrying nuclear warheads.

"No, no, I cannot marry her!" Radek protested. He ignored the coughs from behind him and concentrated on the earnest face of the High Priest.

High Priests were always the worst, Radek decided. They were convinced that what they were doing was right even though the signs they got from their gods were as enigmatic as crop circles. How could you get a prophetic engagement from the innards of a dead bird? No, the only thing you got from that was a lot of bugs and maybe an infectious disease or two.

"But you must," the High Priest informed him. "It is right that you should take Karida as your hanaak."

"Consort," Teyla provided from just behind Radek.

"Mockrat dekuji," he muttered. "So helpful." Turning back to the High Priest, he said: "I cannot marry her. I do not know her!"

Rodney clapped a hand on Radek's shoulder and said, with a malicious chuckle, "Come now, Zelenka, that's no way to talk about your child bride." In the background, Sheppard and Ronon erupted into howls of laughter.

It was all Radek could do to keep from openly weeping.

As Karida poured each person in the group a cup of some sort of fragrant tea, Radek had to admit that she was a sweet, good-natured girl. Then he had to remind himself that she was no more than sixteen or seventeen and that he was probably going to burn in Hell for this.

"This is lovely, Karida," Teyla said as she took the cup the girl offered. Radek silently thanked all the saints that at least Teyla was keeping her head and not reveling in his misery.

Rodney took a sip and sputtered. "What is this, donkey piss - ow!" He rubbed the back of his head, glaring at Sheppard. "What was that for?"

"Sorry, McKay - twitch."

"Karida, do you understand that I cannot marry you?" Radek leaned forward intently.

The girl knelt on a cushion across from them and poured herself a cup of tea. Her pale forehead puckered in confusion. "But the High Priest said it is as it should be."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Your High Priest is as nutty as a fruitcake. If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?"

Radek glared at him. "Ticho."

McKay returned his glare. "Swear at me all you like. I don't actually understand Czech."

"I think that is the point," Teyla put in.

Somewhere, deep down, Radek thought that they probably meant well. But the word 'helpful' seemed to get mixed up with 'meddlesome' and come out as 'annoying'. Teyla was trying her best but even she couldn't keep the Three Amigos in line all the time. Radek desperately wished that Dr. Weir had come along. If there was ever a time that he could've used a diplomat, it was now.

"Aren't you a little young to be married?" Ronon asked. He sipped his tea with a polite expression.

Karida blushed. "I am actually rather old; my sister Amina was wed at thirteen."

"That doesn't mean that you have to be married off to a stranger," said John.

"I do not mind," the young woman insisted.

Radek sighed and snuck a hand under his glasses to rub his eyes. Karida was just as earnest as that High Priest. He really just felt sorry for her. This was no life - being married off willy-nilly to any passing stranger. He would've been happy to take her to Atlantis just to get her away from these people if not for the fact that he wouldn't know what to do with her after that. And Elizabeth would probably be furious with them on principle. And he, Radek Zelenka, would be laughed out of Atlantis. He would have to go into hiding on some remote backwater planet as the alien equivalent of a blacksmith.

"Come on, what's the worst that could happen if you don't get married?" John asked with a flippant wave.

"I will be pronounced luknasha and can never be wed," Karida promptly replied. All the men turned to Teyla for an explanation.

"Luknasha means untouchable," Teyla informed them with a bitter sigh. "If girls are not wed by eighteen, they are deemed unsuitable for marriage and must live with their parents until their passing."

Rodney frowned. "That doesn't sound terrible. A little dull, perhaps--"

But Teyla pressed on: "After that, they are sent to live with their oldest married sibling as something akin to a slave."

The men breathed out an 'Oh' as a single unit. No wonder the girl had no objections to being wed to someone she had never met. In either state, she was essentially at the mercy of someone else, but at least by getting married she might have the chance to leave the small village and see something beyond the makla fields.

"This is a crappy planet," John muttered with a dark look towards the entrance of the tent.

Rodney nodded and grumbled, "And I still say their tea tastes like swill."

After Karida excused herself (to "make herself ready" as she said; Rodney practically wet himself at that one), Radek flopped back on the cushions with a tormented moan.

"This is not happening, this is not happening," he repeated in a low mantra.

"Okay, as much as I'd like to bask in Zelenka's misery, he's right," Rodney said. He stood at the opening of the tent, watching the goings-on of the village. "This is not good."

"We're in a no-win situation," John agreed.

"Why can't we take her back to Atlantis?" Ronon asked. "There's room."

The way he said made it clear that in his mind there was no question. It wasn't a matter of politics or societal differences; it was about what was right and wrong, black and white. And for a man who'd had no freedom for years, Radek imagined that Ronon probably thought it the greatest crime of all. The sad thing was that Karida only wanted to please those around her.

Radek sighed. Karida was a nice girl but there was no way in two galaxies that he could marry her, even to get her away from this village. They might not be on their home planet, but the Earthlings carried with them both their innate and learned standards, mores, and values. This sort of May-December relationship - consummated or no - would be...well, frowned on was putting it mildly.

Rodney scoffed. "What do we do with her if - and that's a big if - we can get her out? Make her Elizabeth's executive assistant? Have her make coffee in the morning?"

"Rodney," Teyla admonished with a disapproving frown. "A little kindness would not be amiss."

"He has a point, though, Teyla," John said with a soft look in her direction. "Although he could've phrased it better."

Rodney shrugged a 'what can you do'.

"We can't just take her away from her people."

"Perhaps we are gutting the sinew before the skin," said Teyla.

Silence reigned in the tent for a few moments. Then Rodney spoke with the weight of several generations of non-hunters.

"Ew."

"Co znamena ten?" Radek wanted to know.

John may not have understood the words but he understood the sentiment. "I think she means we're getting ahead of ourselves."

"What do you mean?" Ronon asked.

"I feel for Karida's situation, although I do not think it is necessarily our responsibility to solve it, but isn't there a more pressing matter?"

"Which is?"

"We don't know that her people will let Radek leave this planet let alone take her with us. Maybe they intend him to stay here."

"Do predele."

John sighed. "Teyla, I wish you hadn't mentioned that."

"Bravely running away, eh?"

"Shut up, Rodney."

"This is your fault we're in this mess, Radek."

"Cut it out, you two," John hissed, his nerves obviously rubbed raw.

"We should go back," Ronon said. "The girl could be dishonored for this as well."

"Fall on your sword on your own time," Rodney snapped at the former Runner.

John whirled around to face them. "The point of sneaking is to be quiet. I have no objections to leaving both of your sorry asses here to fend for yourselves."

Rodney waved a hand wildly between Radek and himself. "Who? Him or me?"

John started walking again. "Both."

"This is not what I meant," Teyla spoke up from the back of the group. "They are farmers; they are not dangerous."

"They have pitchforks and scythes," Rodney replied. "Haven't you ever seen Frankenstein? It doesn't end well."

Radek sighed. He seemed to be doing that a lot today. "This is not right."

"We've already established that, Dr. Z," John said. "But there's no right answer here. And we're not leaving you to these people."

"Ronon's right. We should go back."

John groaned and hung his head. "Radek…"

The darkness itself seemed to become tense. Radek wasn't sure whether his companions were going to scream, cry, or beat him black and blue.

Well, it wasn't his fault, no matter what Rodney said. It wasn't his idea to come to this awful planet, and it wasn't his fault that these people had misread their own damn ordinations. But it wasn't Karida's fault, either. She didn't deserve to be stuck with the blame for this, or punished for anything that he did or didn't do. He knew he had to at least do what he could to help her.

Yes. He was almost certainly going to Hell.

Czech translations:

Mockrat dekuji Thank you very much

Ticho Quiet

Co znamena ten What does that mean

Do predele Generic curse