A/N: I'm going to be completely honest with you. This story is either going to come off heinously funny, or ludicrously stupid. I wrote it 5 years ago and found it and decided, "What the hell, might as well put it up." If you absolutely hate it, I don't blame you. I just wanted to see people's reactions to this horrifically, messed-up fanfic. I personally think it's decent, but I'm not sure. Be aware: There are a few spoilers and nonessential curse words every 4 seconds.
CHAPTER ONE:
Cloud: So what exactly is this story about?
Me: It's about Squall ... get over it. He's better then you ... big deal. Plus: he's hot.
Cloud: Wow ... that was mean. Your mean! I'm gonna' tell Tifa on you!
Me: Tifa's a slut ...
Cloud: *cries* Tifa ... TIFA!
Tifa:*walks in annoyed* What the hell do you want, little asswipe.
Cloud: She said Squall is hotter than me.
Tifa: 0_o ... who the hell is Squall.
Me: You know! The guy whose always like 'waah, waah, I'm Seifer's bitch!' That one!
Tifa: Oh my God! That Squall! Fuck yeah, he's hotter then you Cloud.
Cloud: Your all mean!
Me: Jesus Christ. Go play in traffic.
Cloud: But ... wouldn't I get hurt?
Tifa: That's the whole point, sweetie-poo.
Me: Why the hell did you have a crush on the moron?
Tifa: Don't remember, it had something to do with hormones and a cowboy hat.
Me: Well, this is getting fucked up. Tifa liked a moron and can't rememeber why, Cloud is a friggen' loser who thinks two plus two equals fish, and I am about to kill myself because Cloud won't shut the fuck up, so lets just end day 1 here.
Yuffie: HIYA!!!!
Tifa, Me, and a screwed up Cloud: o.0
DAY 2
Tidus: So, I heard Cloud went crazy over some guy named Squall!?
Wakka: Like, ya! Yeah, I heard, ya! Who the hell is Squall anyway, ya!?
Me: Well, since video game characters are always 98 percent hotter than people in real life, we've come to the conclusion that Squall is the hottest guy alive.
Tidus: Not as hot as me ...
Yuna: *walks in* ... Psh! Fuck YOU! Squall Leonhart is damn hotter then you'll ever be.
Tidus: But - But - I - I ...
Me: Tidus, you look like Meg Ryan, so you have no say in ANYTHING.
Wakka: Yeah, ya! Tidus, shut your godamn mouth! Everyone knows I am the hottest, ya!
Me, Yuna, Tidus and Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ---
Me: What the hell you doing here, you crazy ass ninja?
Yuffie: SHH! *disappears*
Me: 0.o
Yuna: She's totally fucking Vincent.
Me: o.0
Yuna: You guys are fucking morons. Squall is hot. He always will be.
Tidus: You're a lot nicer in the game.
Yuna: FUCK YOU!!!!
Lulu: Now, now Yuna. Let me give you meaningless advice about why -
Yuna: Go to hell.
*Yuna and Lulu are in the back ground, screaming at each other and using magic on one another*
Me: Well, while the shitheads fight over crazy crap that no one cares about. Let's end day 2 here for now.
*Instantaneously, a car appears and runs over Yuna.*
Lulu: GOTHS RULE!!!!!
Me: She totally needs to to pop a Midol.
DAY 3
Snake: I am almost to my destination. Where are you?
Meryl: I'm right next to you dipshit.
Snake: Sorry I had my --
Me: What the fuck are you morons doing here? This is supposed to be Final Fantasy characters ... NOT GOD DAMN METAL GEAR CHARACTERS!!!!
Snake: But -
Me: SCRAM!!!!
Snake: Mommy ...*leaves*
Meryl: *Flips me off*
Me: *Sticks a knife down her esophagus* Bob! We got another one!
Bob: Yes ma'am.
Me: Well, while Bob takes out the 'garbage.' Let's countine with our story:
Snake: Oh yeah, I forgot my wallet and --- MERYL!!!!!!
Me: *sighs* GET. OUT. OF. MY. FACE. YOU. IDIOT.
Snake: Not without MERYL!!!
Me: Bob ...
Bob: *takes out.......A Raiden doll!*
Snake: *eyes widen in trepidation* RAIDEN! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *runs away in fear*
Me: Ahem ... you didn't see anything. Now let's end day 3 here.
Yuffie: BOO!!!
Me: 0_o
DAY 3
Squall: *walks in* Its quiet ..... too quiet.
Crazy fangirls: 0HMiiG0DZ! Squall! We want your coc -
Squall: Oh Hyne ... *ducks behind a chair*
Irvine: What the flying fuck?
Squall: Make them go away ... please.
Irvine: Hey sexy ladies *winks*
Fangirls: .......... *cricket* ...........
Irvine: Awww fuck y'all worthless hoes. *kills them all with one bullet*
Me: Will you stop screwing around, Irvine! Or so help me God, I will summon Selphie in here!
Irvine: OH JESUS, IT'S DISGUSTING!
Me: That's the same thing your momma said too, when you came out of her womb.
Squall: She's got a point.
Rinoa: What's going on --- *sees all the dead fan girls and then spots Squall* SQUALLY-POO!
Squall: Rinny!
Fangirls: *somehow they managed to come back to life* WE LOVE YOU SQUALLY POOOOOOO!!!!
Rinoa: STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING HOT BOYFREIND YOU HYNE FUCKING COW TRAMPS *blows them all away with her kick ass power*
*One fan girl manages to stay alive*
Fan girl: S-S-Squall!
Rinoa: I can kill you with my brain.
*single fangirl peers up at Rinoa and then dies.*
Me: Well, back to the story.
Squall: What story do you keep on talking about?
Yuffie: Hiiiii!
Me: Why the fuck do you KEEP POPPING UP EVERYWHERE!?
Yuffie: Hiiiii!
Me: *sighs* Irvine?
Irvine: My pleasure ... *shoots her*
Me: Thankies. Now to day 4! Whoo-hoo!
DAY 4
Selphie: Train, train, take us away, take us away, far away where ---
Me: Sing that goddamn song one more time, and I will personally kill you myself.
Selphie *nothing*
Quistis: Well, it is indeed impossible for you to do that, because you are an author writing this, and we are not real, so you are very -
Me: Stop trying to act smart and go flirt with some man-whore. Honestly, glasses, a whip, AND she's a teacher. Mother fucking Mary Sue.
Quistis: *gasps* I do not flirt with no one! But, I will now go into a long, boring speech about why you shouldn't -
Me: Oh for fuck's sake, make her stop!
Irvine: *shoots a tranquilizer in her, making her fall asleep*
Seifer: *smiles evily and tip toes in and takes Quistis without anyone noticing*
Zell: Yo dogs ... dogs ... diggy dogs ... diggy wiggy bow wow dogs ... diddgy wiggy -
Me: Shut the fuck up!!!!
Zell: Jeez someone's angry ... angry ... wangy ... angry wangy blangy sangy
Me: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!!!!!!
Zell: Geez I'll stop ... stop ... bop bop. Bop to the top. Like you never can stop *back ground music comes on* Yo! Come on! Bop to the top, like ya never can stop, stop stop -
Me: *glares*
Selphie: *walks in* Ooooh! Yo! Doggy dog, the name is Selphie. Bop do bop bop top like a sock -
Me: *twitches*
Irvine: Yo diddy dog! The name is Irvine. I like the guns and the ladies and the ... what rhymes with Irvine?
Rinoa: THIS!!!! *blows them all away with her kick ass power*
Irvine says while flying away: That doesn't rhyme with Irvineeeeee!
Me: Your my hero, although I fucking hate your guts in Final Fantasy 8.
Rinoa: I don't blame you. I was like some hopped up teenager, high on Ambien.
Me: ... Righhht.
Rinoa: They were getting on my Hyne damn nerves ... eh, you seen Quistis?
Me: 0_o ... Oh no ... well let's just end day 4.
Yuffie: Hola amigos ... hola, hola, hola -
Me: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? WE SHOT YOU IN YOUR SORRY ASS BRAIN! YOU SHOULD BE ROTTING IN HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!
Yuffie: Hola, hola, hola -
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*BLACK OUT*
DAY 5
Celesma: Um hi ... My name is Celesma. I am the new host. It seems that Caitlin went a little crazy and is now going to be in a psychiatric ward for quite sometime now. So ... let's hope you will like me instead.
Squall: She's ... gone
Rin: ... *cries*
Selphie: I barely even knew her.
Irvine: May she rest in peace.
Zell: Her soul will be with us.
Seifer and Quistis: *nothing*
Celesma: Let's try that again ...
Seifer and Quistis: *nothing*
Celesma: Where are those two freaks?
Zell: Who the fuck cares. We care about Caitlin ... and now shes gone *cries*
Celesma: ... Aw! Come on! She's not dead! She'll be back in a few days ... or weeks ... maybe months ... or years ... or -- Oh! Fuck it! Who am I kidding? I don't have a damn clue when she'll be bac --
*gets pushed out of a window*
Me: Motherfuckerrrrrr's!
Everyone in the room: YAY!!!!
Me: Now ... where the hell is Seifer and Quistis?
Rinoa: Last I saw them, they were getting plane tickects to that Final Fantasy 10 world! I don't know ... the Thunder Plains or something? Of course, Quistis looked like she was knocked out ...
Me: Why the hell would they go to the Thunder Plains?
Irvine: He would always say how he liked the feeling of lightening when he got his groove on ...
Me: ... Irvine ... why the fuck would you know that?
Irvine: I LIKE PUSSY! *disappears*
Squall: Hey, I thought the whole point of these little stupid ass stories was suppsoed to be how I hot and great I am?
Fangirls: SQUALLY-POO!
Rinoa: How many fucking times have I told you to stay away from my hot man, you ASS COWS!!!!! NOW YOU HAVE 5 seconds to get your asses away from his!
Fangirls: AH!
Rinoa: Five ... ONE! *blows them all away with her powers*
Me: You skipped like 3 numbers ...
Rina: Do I look like I give a flying fuck? NO!
Me: Well, let's end day 5 here.
Yuffie: *walks in* Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour -
Me: *twiches* ... COME HERE YOU FATTY AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN. I HAVE KILLED YOU ... HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE! There is an INTRICATE REASON WHY I NEVER USED YOU IN FINAL FANTASY 7!
Yuffie: Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour -
Me: I'M GOING TO MURDER THAT BITCH!
DAY 6
Rinoa: *sighs* These little stories of yours are getting boring ...
Me: Shut the fuck up! You don't know what you're talking about.
Squall: Eh, she's got a point.
Sephiroth: *comes in crossdressing singing Britney Spear's Toxic* From the taste of the lips, I'm on a ride! You're TOXIC!
Squall, Rinoa, Me: From this 0.0 ... to this .... 0.X
Squall: That was beyond ... disturbing.
Me: No shit.
Selphie: *walks in* What's going on guys -- AHHHH! MY EYES THEY BURN ... WHAT IS THAT THING!!!
Me: That would be Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: No! That would be - *takes off disguise* IRVINE!!!!
Selphie: *dies*
Me: Irvine, what in fuck's sake are you doing pretending to be Sephiroth cross dressed, pretending to be Britney Spears?
Irvine: I don't know ... just ... felt right ... I guess.
Yuffie: *walks in* ... HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!
Me: I am gonna MURDER YOU, YOU LITTLE SLUT !
Yuffie: Hi Hi Hi HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!
Squall: Well ... uh. While those two ... fight let's just go on with the story ... shall we. *hears yelling in the background* Now ... would be a good time to continue reading ...
DAY 7
Squall: Zzzz ... oh yeah, Rinoa. Right there -
ME: WAKE UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
Squall: Wha - why the FUCK did you wake me up?
Me: Because ... I wanted to, now get your sorry ass up or else I won't continue your story.
Squall: Fine ... fine, Hyne, you're a bitch.
Me: FUCK YOU!!!!
Rinoa: Hey guys! What's up?
Me: Your damn boyfriend, thats what's up.
Rinoa: I know! Ain't he hot.
Me: You do realize that you're not even nearly ass attractive as he is.
Rinoa: It's about personality!
Me: But ... everyone hates you're personality.
Rinoa: Fuck ... you're right. Squall, why do you love me?
Squall: .... uh ... because ... Sqaure Enix ... um ... told me to?
ME: WRONG FUCKING ANSWER YOU IDIOT!
Rinoa: W-What did you say?!
Squall: YOUR TITS! BECAUSE OF YOUR TITS!
Rinoa: Better.
Fangirls: WE LOVE YOU!!!!
Rinoa: ... HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU CRAZY FANGIRLS STILL ALIVE?
Fangirl: I LOVE YOU SQUALLY-POO! *kisses Squall*
*The room goes quiet as everyone turns towards Rinoa.*
Rinoa: ... Oh fuck no ... She did not do what I think she did ... Oh, you just pissed me off little girl! *rips her apart with kick ass power*
Me: Remind me never to piss of you're girlfriend.
Squall: Fuck you. What about me? If I fuck up in bed at least once, do you know what she does -
Fangirls: AHHHHH! RUN AWAY FROM THE PSYCHOPATH!!!!
Rinoa: *evil laughter* MMMWWWHHHAAAAA! *burns all the fangirls to ash*
Me: *bonks her on the head with a stick* She went a little to far that time.
Squall: *pokes with stick* Poke, poke, poke ... This is like facebook poking ... except funner! Is she alive?
Me: Of course she's fucking alive, moron.
Irvine: *eyes widen* What the fuck happened.
Seifer: *walks in with a knocked out Quistis in hands and notices everyone* I HATE SQUALL! *drops Quistis and runs out of there*
Quistis: What happened ... *wakes up*
Me: I think Seifer tried to ...
Quistis: *eyes widen to see people dead* What has happened!? You do know killing is very, very, very, very, very, very, very -
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP WHORE!!!!
Yuffie:: Ello' governor!
Me: *takes out gun and shoots me in the head*
Rinoa: How does that work out? ^^^
DAY 8
Squall: Yay! Freaky shit is gonna happen today!
Me: How did you know?
Rinoa: *walks in and smacks Squall*
Squall: Nevermind ...
Me: *laughs*
Squall: So, what kinda freaky shit is gonna happen.
Me: Will you just shut the the fuck up and have some patience?
Cloud: *walks in* I am here for the story. YAY ME!
Tifa: ... HEYYY! LONG TIME NO SEE CAITLIN!
Me: Hey moron who cries cause he has no memory of his own life. Hey slut who wants to fuck Cloud for no reason.
Rinoa: Who are they?
Squall: *stares at Tifa's tits while drooling*
Rinoa: *glares at Tifa and gives her an evil look*
Me: Okay, is there any other surprise guests?
Rikku and Paine: Yo guys!
Me and everyone else in the room: 0.o
Rinoa: I think their lesbians.
Irvine: What?
Tifa: *walks over to Squall and flirts with him* Hey, good looking. You. Me. In the closet. 4:00. Bring the pudding.
Rinoa......WHORE!!!!!!! *grabs her and throws her out a window*
Squall: 0.o ... I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU RINOA! NOT HER! PLAESE DONT HURT MEEEEE!!!!!!
Rikku: Whoa ... it's getting a little crowded in here.
Paine: *whispers something emo-like* GOTHS RULE!
Lulu: RIGHT ON!
Rinoa: I lied ... I think 'those' two are lesbians.
Irvine: What?
Me: 0.o ... WILL ALL OF YOU GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
Yuffie: *walks in* I thoght you killed yourself with a gun? Oh, wait *looks down at script* That's not my line ... my line is ... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Me: Does anybody have any Clorox? Give it to me. Please.
Paine and Rikku and Cloud: o.0
Cloud: So ...
Rinoa: By the way, I think Zach is pig-shit when compared to you. :)
Cloud: ... Really?
Rinoa: No ...
Squall: Ha ... ha ... ha.
Me: Okay, okay, I am good. Now, we end chapter 1 here!
Aerith: HIYA!!!
Cloud: *sees Aerith*
Aerith: HIYA
Cloud: HIYA! HIYA! HIYA!
Aerith: HIYA! HIYA! HIYA!
Zell: HOT DOGS! *bites on it, only to find it super, fucking hot.*
ZELL: MY MOUTH!
Selphie: You need to blow on them.
Irvine: Blow on what, Selphie?
Me: *throws up*
END OF CHAPTER 1