"Look, I am sorry... I should have told you that I've suspected your mother of lying. I was trying to protect you… "
I said that.
I apologized. What more did she expect from me?
She was looking at me like at an enemy. And I wondered if there was anything left in her that cared about me.
More sharp words, more accusations…
"Don't come looking for me again."
Did I lose her? Right now did I just lose her? Or did I lose her when I haven't told her about her mother? I thought I was protecting her, but was I? Maybe I just wanted to give her what I could not have anymore. Family...
"I don't think she is not my girlfriend."
I summarized. It was so easy to say, amazingly easy. Probably because I didn't need to get all my strength to say it.
And I was grateful that Sunny started the fight. It felt so good to focus on this pain instead of the one that was going to catch up with me.
My fists hurt, but I didn't care. I felt an urge to drag her into a conversation to say how sorry I really am.
Her eyes were so cold. Maybe I did hurt her too much. Maybe all this was ultimately unrepairable. Maybe I broke that only connection that I had with her.
The thought terrified me so much that I could not stand it. I ran in the direction where she went.
I could have never found her, but I was damn lucky because in 15 minutes I saw her walking the street.
Her walk was edgy and sharp. She was angry. I followed her thinking what I can possibly say to fix this. This is when she jumped to the alleyway. I didn't run after. I carefully picked out of the corner. There was she. She and cats. She was pouring milk and stroking some of the street strays. She was doing something else as well: crying. My heart fell.
I felt that I was invading into her private space seeing what I should not see. And as much as I wanted to fix this, to comfort her, to beg for forgiveness, I knew that was not the time. I had to admit that I wouldn't make it better stalking her. I sighed.
She started smiling when a cat tried to jump to her lap.
"Let her be," I said to myself making an effort to stop staring and retreat.
It seemed it took me a century, but I finally turned around.
Through the street noise at seemed that I heard her laugh. I didn't know if it was her. But diving into my misery I desperately hoped that it was.