It seems like all I ever did was piss you off. You probably thought it was on purpose. You're right. I never tried so hard at anything as I did to enrage you. From the very beginning you had this perfect calm, this cold poise that everyone was afraid of. Not me. I didn't care if you were cold and perfect on the outside; because I could see the weak, flawed, scared little brat you were on the inside. You had such a charade going on, making everyone think you had no feelings, when just under the surface you were boiling with them. It made me want to tear you apart, bit by bit, until everyone could see it too.
I knew you had shut out everyone around you as unimportant. Love, friendship, trust- none of that would ever make an impact through that icy armor of yours. Even people who were useful to you only had your attention long enough to get what you wanted from them. But anger, resentment, humiliation… those were things you couldn't lock away so easily. So I began to use that against you. I watched you, made note of everything you hated, and I ground salt into the wounds. I made sure that everything I said, every word, every facial expression, was sculpted just right to annoy the fuck out of you. I got so good at it, too, I only had to look at you and you'd bristle. That was a good day, when I could pick your cool apart without saying a word.
In the end, my own plan backfired. The more of your hidden, angry brat side I saw, the more I wanted to keep it all to myself. I didn't need to show everyone- seeing it myself was good enough. Now I lived for that flash of fire in your eyes that told me you really saw me, not just another mindless drone you were forced to walk beside. Even for just a second, I could make you care about something besides killing. I could make you real, instead of the icy fake that walked around breathing and pretending. It was amazing. It was perfect.
But then you had to fuck it up. With that little smile you'd get whenever I bested you, that flicker of warmth in those bleak eyes that only I could put there. How dare you. Something so insidious, so fucking sneaky, when you were always someone who got straight in people's faces. You kept creeping up on me with those little bits of proof you were human, while I was too busy picking apart your armor to pay attention to mine. You stupid bastard, who said you could get to me? I was the one who was supposed to be in control. I was the one who didn't fawn over you or run from you like everyone else. I didn't see you as a god or a devil; just a man. A man I could love.
Goddamn you, BaKanda. Goddamn you for that.