Dear Readers, this is a Lily/Jackson story. My beloved Oliver/Lily I'm sorry. I would not read this if you love good old Ollie. Partly because he's "gone" in this story. It's a slow moving Lily/Jackson. I will be updating Sailboats soon. I just got this idea and had to get it all out before I forgot it.

…..

Ashes to ashes dust to dust…

I'm wearing high heel shoes. This dress is too tight and I hate my hair. People I've never seen before are here talking like they know you. I can't breathe. Where are you? I'm cold and I can't find the bar.

I hate this, I hate this! People keep talking about you in past tense. Why are they doing this? You're Aunt Elsie keeps calling me Millie. Do I even look like a Millie?! Someone is wearing a very strong perfume and it stings my eyes.

I can't breathe.

Miley is standing in the corner. Jake has his arm around her and for a minute I hate them. And I hate her for being so upset when she didn't even know you like I did… Oh God, I can't do this alone. There's a lump in my throat and there's too many people here. I hate crowds. You know how much I hate being in crowds.

Why is everyone wearing black? It's all like we all mesh together in this dark blob of depression. Everyone keeps talking in low murmurs. And when I walk by they give me this sympathetic look and smile. I hate that. Someone is putting their hand on my shoulder.

I flinch and turn away. I don't want to be touched or smiled at or pity. I want everyone to leave! …It's raining outside. Our car is parked in the driveway. I miss your smell. What was it again? …Coffee, you smelt like coffee brewing early in the morning.

Miley is saying something to me. She's crying and whimpering. I can't make it out. My ears have failed me. Jake is trying to hug me. I push him away. I can't remember what you taste like. I keep hoping this is a sick joke. You'll come bouncing out of the closet with your brother laughing.

I can't remember your hands.

What was that book you were reading before you left?

I can't remember your favorite color.

The room is getting smaller and smaller. I'm Alice in Wonderland. I'm getting bigger and bigger. This lump in my throat is choking me. I long for your warmth. I long for your laugh, so deep and rich. My wedding ring is dull in the bright light.

Miley's little boy and girl are sitting down looking bored. We were going to have a kid. We always planned on having one someday. And now there's no little Lily Oliver junior running around with your shaggy hair or dark brown eyes. There's no little tot here to remind me of you. You have been erased from the earth and all that is burning inside of me in hate and deep sadness.

"Lily, I want you to know that I understand what you're going through. I'm only here to help. I'm very sorry."

I look up from the wood floor and see Robbie Ray looking old and grime. I frown and tell him to get away from me. No one understands what this feels like. How dare he compare his pain to mine. Oliver, Oliver baby! We had no time! We had three years. Death has taken you from me. It is a thief and I' am eternally bitter.

People are beginning to get up and talk about you now. Half of them met you once, at a cocktail party or some random meeting at work. They know nothing. Jake is talking now and I realize how much I want to hit someone. He keeps saying how you two were great friends. Well, I was your best friend.

Their asking me to say a few words. I shook my head. I'm sorry Ollie, but I can't. I will not be associated with these liars. I see your mother standing in the hallway. Her face has never looked so grey. Tears are pouring from her eyes and running down her cheeks. But she does not acknowledge them.

Suddenly, I'm hit with an overwhelming urge to cry. I quickly dash up the stairs just as another stranger tries to send his condolences. I take off my shoes and throw them in the corner. My face cringes and breaks. I can't hold it in any longer.

My face is red and it burns, hot tears rush rapidly down my face. My body aches and my breath is gone. I fall onto our bed and pull the covers to my nose. You're pillow still smells like your shampoo. The sheets are warm and I find one of your hairs lying there. I can't function or think.

I'm crying. I'm crying. I'm not making a sound. I put my hand over my mouth and shake. The sky is crying hard along with me. We miss you, more then anyone downstairs. We miss you like a flower would the sun.

You were my partner. My best friend. My husband… and you're dead.

The door opens and my head shoots up. Quickly I wipe the tears from my cheeks and sniff loudly.

"Oh."

It's Jackson.

"Sorry I didn't know you were up here."

He looks a little lost. He's only been to the house once. Nervously he scratches his ear and blushes.

"I'm sorry… I sort of interrupted your… moment alone?"

He looks to me for an answer. I'm too out of it and heavy with pain to even care.

"I should go then." He says walking backwards.

I don't move.

"And Lily?"

I give no indication that I'm listening.

"You did great down there."

I look at the rain fall and wait for the door to close. It does after he gives a weak unsure smile at me.

Silence is ringing loudly in my ears. I want to throw up. And you're not here.

….

That's the beginning or prolog or whatever. My school year is coming to a close so I'll be able to update a lot soon. I have like three days left. (WHOOP!) Until then, leave your thoughts.

Lazy Days