The Lobster Files: Chapter the First
ONE RUSSIAN BRIDE/ 18 YEARS OLD/ SPEAKS FLUENT RUSSIAN/ HASN'T EATEN IN THREE WEEKS/ LOOKIN FOR LOVE
Remus poised his highlighter over the ad. Looks promising, he thought to himself. But there was no picture.
"Sorry, Tatiana," he mumbled. "No picture, no green card."
The door to the boys' dorm suddenly opened, Remus quickly concealed his Mail Order Brides Weekly.
"Yes, Sirius," Remus asked innocently.
Sirius wasted no time with foreplay. "You have to come. Now," instructed Sirius as he guided Remus with his hand.
"But Siry.I can't.not now! I'm almost done!" protested Remus, glancing longingly at his Mail Order Brides Weekly catalog.
"As a Marauder and as a man.you have to see this," said Sirius gloomily.
"Will I regret it?"
"Most certainly," Sirius confirmed, "Down in the common room."
"What is it?" asked Remus, as they were half way down the stairs. Then it saw IT.
"Oh God!" he shrieked as he gazed upon the sight that was the common room. "What calamity could have caused this grief?"
Then he understood.
There were yellow throw pillows on the red couch. It was a fashion emergency!
"Who did this?" he asked angrily.
Sirius sighed. "Not the couch, dumbass. THAT!" He pointed to the front wall of the room. It had a large photograph of something red and waving.
"What is it?" Remus asked. He noticed the whole Tower had come out to goggle at it. Lily Evans was weeping loudly on the couch. Sirius went over to her, Remus followed, knocking aside the offending pillows.
"Lily." began Sirius.
Remus studied the photo and let out a youthful laugh. "That's bloody hysterical! Who's the idiot wearing a lobster suit and giving a seductive pose to the camera? Why are they tied to a bed post with the Slytherin colors?" He laughed again. "Who would do such a stupid thing?"
There was a long silence. Finally James Potter raised his hand, "I. can explain!"
Lily wept louder.
"What.? What is this madness?" asked Remus.
"It's." James voice broke, "Lobsterphila!"
Flashback (In the wee hours of the morning):
Lily pried open her right eye and sighed contentedly. She leaned over. "Dippy?"
He grunted. "Yes, wench?"
"Dip.I have to get back to my tower. It's late. I should go back."
Headmaster Dippet sighed, "Fine! Get out of my room wench. And remember; don't mention anything of our top-secret affair to ANYONE! Including your good for nothing boyfriend," Dippet spat, "James Potter."
"Yes," Lily frowned, looking for her bra, "You say that every time."
"Damn straight."
Lily finished dressing and leaned over to kiss her aging lover goodbye. "Ah.Dip? What's that on your arm?" She leaned forward. "Is your skin deteriorating?"
Dip let out a huge snore.
"I guess I'll never know," said Lily. "Ah, well." She scurried off to her common room.
Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Boys Dorm:
"Oh Sirius," cooed Remus, "I love it when it's just you and me."
"Yes," grunted Sirius, he was busying cleaning up after their evening. Sirius liked circular waterbeds, mirrors on the ceiling and good porn in the VCR. He also liked chocolate, leather and fur.
Remus was quite the cultural opposite. Women found his knowledge of fine wines, his tasteful love of classical music, his culinary expertise, his appreciation of interior design so attractive. Whilst hanging with "the boys", he often wished he were at the Louvre or at least watching some Andrew Lloyd Weber productions. He had the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on record and played it until James snapped it over his knee.
Have we made it clear they are gay?
Sirius was flamingly, openly gay. Remus on the other hand, was still hiding in the broom closet.
Sometimes Sirius tried to whip it out of him.
"And why do you love it when it's just the two of us, Remy?" he asked, sipping his Cosmo.
Remus blushed. "Oh, you know. We just have a.connection. When we're together, I feel warm and."
"That's an erection, Remy. Not a conn-ection."
"So, where is Peter anyway?" asked Remus, trying to change the subject.
"Probably having gay sex, like we were." Said Sirius.
"No, Peter's got that girlfriend, what's her name?"
"Winona," supplied Sirius.
They lapsed into silence.
"Do you think she exists?"
"What are you, stupid?"
"Sorry," apologized Remus.
Again with the silence.
"So, where is James?"
"Uh."
Meanwhile, at The Three Broomsticks:
"Are those space pants you're wearing?" inquired James. The woman shook her head.
"No. Why?"
"Cause yo ass is outta this WORLD baby! Yeah!"
"You're disgusting," spat the woman, taking her alien ass away from him.
"I thought it was clever," said the hooded man to his left.
"Hello hoodling," greeted a rather intoxicated James Potter. "How are you this evening. I'm glad you enjoyed my pick up line. Shall I use one on you?"
"No need," said the hooded man. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Would I have to pay for it?"
". No."
"WELL THEN OKAY!"
The man went off to buy James a drink. It crossed James' mind that maybe this man wanted something more. like sexual favors. James realized he was DRUNK. But he was getting more alcohol, so it was okay.
The Hooded Man returned with Margaritas. "Oh," shuddered James as he accepted the salty drink. "Someone's classy."
"I only have them because it is a liquid with salt in it.like the ocean."
"The ocean is cold," observed James.
"Yes," agreed the Hoodling.
"So, hoodling.gotta name?"
"Yeah."
"Cool, me too." James nodded. "Well, clinky-clink then, eh?"
They clinked their glasses and laughed with youthful abandon.
Meanwhile in the Dungeons of Hogwarts.
"They won't find me here," Peter told himself. "Girls don't like the dark.they don't like the damp.and I DON"T LIKE THEM!"
"Except Winona," he reminded himself.
Peter liked Winona.
Maybe that was because she didn't exist.
Suddenly Peter heard footsteps coming, "GO AWAY!" he cried.
"Peter?" a female voice called.
"NO! IT"S A GIRL!"
"Peter? It's Lily," declared a confused Lily. "What are you doing down here."
"Maybe I should be asking you the same question!" shot back Peter.
"Um. no?" said Lily. "Where you smoking the weed? Or.. Oh! Where you with Winona?"
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Winona and me! She was here!"
"Peter," said Lily kindly. "You don't have to pretend. EVERYBODY knows you're not dating a 6th year Hufflepuff in our Potions class."
"How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.
"We have potions with Slytherin. Also, there are no Winonas at Hogwarts."
"SHUT UP! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID GIRL!" he lashed out, sobbing.
They had found his secret.
Meanwhile, in Prague:
Voldemort cackled with glee as he gazed into his opponent's eyes, "I've got you now!"
"Think again, Voldy," his opponent glared.
"Fine! Go Fish!" Voldemort cried, "I don't have any sevens!"
"DAMN!" cried Voldy's supporter, "I'm losing! I think you're cheating!"
"How do you cheat at Go Fish?" asked Voldy.
"I don't know!"
"You know, sir," said one of Voldy's henchmen; "You should get back to work on the top secret plan!"
"Yes!" Voldy.
"Tomorrow night?" asked Madame Olympe as she gathered herself up. "Tomorrow night we play poker," she told Voldemort.
"I'll have tortilla chips," he told her solemnly.
"And guacamole?"
"Yes. Now leave me." He gave her a very strong, powerful look, complete with the raised eyebrow. "I have to work on the Plan."
"Ah," nodded Olympe. "The PLAN!"
"Yes." He pointed towards the unsanitary conditions and the rats that were lurking in the sewage in his kitchen.
"The plan," nodded the Henchmen in unison.
They all nodded.
Meanwhile at the zoo:
Dumbledore tossed Harold the zebra an animal cracker. "I wonder if this is cannibalism," he mused.
"Oh well," he resolved. "He's just a stupid camel."
(Authors' Note: Hi. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The story is going to take place over a series of short clips and flashbacks. Kiss. Kiss. (Only if you don't have aids, herpes or genital warts 'cause that's just nasty. And we don't care if we are discriminating) Love Lindsey and Sarah.)
ONE RUSSIAN BRIDE/ 18 YEARS OLD/ SPEAKS FLUENT RUSSIAN/ HASN'T EATEN IN THREE WEEKS/ LOOKIN FOR LOVE
Remus poised his highlighter over the ad. Looks promising, he thought to himself. But there was no picture.
"Sorry, Tatiana," he mumbled. "No picture, no green card."
The door to the boys' dorm suddenly opened, Remus quickly concealed his Mail Order Brides Weekly.
"Yes, Sirius," Remus asked innocently.
Sirius wasted no time with foreplay. "You have to come. Now," instructed Sirius as he guided Remus with his hand.
"But Siry.I can't.not now! I'm almost done!" protested Remus, glancing longingly at his Mail Order Brides Weekly catalog.
"As a Marauder and as a man.you have to see this," said Sirius gloomily.
"Will I regret it?"
"Most certainly," Sirius confirmed, "Down in the common room."
"What is it?" asked Remus, as they were half way down the stairs. Then it saw IT.
"Oh God!" he shrieked as he gazed upon the sight that was the common room. "What calamity could have caused this grief?"
Then he understood.
There were yellow throw pillows on the red couch. It was a fashion emergency!
"Who did this?" he asked angrily.
Sirius sighed. "Not the couch, dumbass. THAT!" He pointed to the front wall of the room. It had a large photograph of something red and waving.
"What is it?" Remus asked. He noticed the whole Tower had come out to goggle at it. Lily Evans was weeping loudly on the couch. Sirius went over to her, Remus followed, knocking aside the offending pillows.
"Lily." began Sirius.
Remus studied the photo and let out a youthful laugh. "That's bloody hysterical! Who's the idiot wearing a lobster suit and giving a seductive pose to the camera? Why are they tied to a bed post with the Slytherin colors?" He laughed again. "Who would do such a stupid thing?"
There was a long silence. Finally James Potter raised his hand, "I. can explain!"
Lily wept louder.
"What.? What is this madness?" asked Remus.
"It's." James voice broke, "Lobsterphila!"
Flashback (In the wee hours of the morning):
Lily pried open her right eye and sighed contentedly. She leaned over. "Dippy?"
He grunted. "Yes, wench?"
"Dip.I have to get back to my tower. It's late. I should go back."
Headmaster Dippet sighed, "Fine! Get out of my room wench. And remember; don't mention anything of our top-secret affair to ANYONE! Including your good for nothing boyfriend," Dippet spat, "James Potter."
"Yes," Lily frowned, looking for her bra, "You say that every time."
"Damn straight."
Lily finished dressing and leaned over to kiss her aging lover goodbye. "Ah.Dip? What's that on your arm?" She leaned forward. "Is your skin deteriorating?"
Dip let out a huge snore.
"I guess I'll never know," said Lily. "Ah, well." She scurried off to her common room.
Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Boys Dorm:
"Oh Sirius," cooed Remus, "I love it when it's just you and me."
"Yes," grunted Sirius, he was busying cleaning up after their evening. Sirius liked circular waterbeds, mirrors on the ceiling and good porn in the VCR. He also liked chocolate, leather and fur.
Remus was quite the cultural opposite. Women found his knowledge of fine wines, his tasteful love of classical music, his culinary expertise, his appreciation of interior design so attractive. Whilst hanging with "the boys", he often wished he were at the Louvre or at least watching some Andrew Lloyd Weber productions. He had the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on record and played it until James snapped it over his knee.
Have we made it clear they are gay?
Sirius was flamingly, openly gay. Remus on the other hand, was still hiding in the broom closet.
Sometimes Sirius tried to whip it out of him.
"And why do you love it when it's just the two of us, Remy?" he asked, sipping his Cosmo.
Remus blushed. "Oh, you know. We just have a.connection. When we're together, I feel warm and."
"That's an erection, Remy. Not a conn-ection."
"So, where is Peter anyway?" asked Remus, trying to change the subject.
"Probably having gay sex, like we were." Said Sirius.
"No, Peter's got that girlfriend, what's her name?"
"Winona," supplied Sirius.
They lapsed into silence.
"Do you think she exists?"
"What are you, stupid?"
"Sorry," apologized Remus.
Again with the silence.
"So, where is James?"
"Uh."
Meanwhile, at The Three Broomsticks:
"Are those space pants you're wearing?" inquired James. The woman shook her head.
"No. Why?"
"Cause yo ass is outta this WORLD baby! Yeah!"
"You're disgusting," spat the woman, taking her alien ass away from him.
"I thought it was clever," said the hooded man to his left.
"Hello hoodling," greeted a rather intoxicated James Potter. "How are you this evening. I'm glad you enjoyed my pick up line. Shall I use one on you?"
"No need," said the hooded man. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Would I have to pay for it?"
". No."
"WELL THEN OKAY!"
The man went off to buy James a drink. It crossed James' mind that maybe this man wanted something more. like sexual favors. James realized he was DRUNK. But he was getting more alcohol, so it was okay.
The Hooded Man returned with Margaritas. "Oh," shuddered James as he accepted the salty drink. "Someone's classy."
"I only have them because it is a liquid with salt in it.like the ocean."
"The ocean is cold," observed James.
"Yes," agreed the Hoodling.
"So, hoodling.gotta name?"
"Yeah."
"Cool, me too." James nodded. "Well, clinky-clink then, eh?"
They clinked their glasses and laughed with youthful abandon.
Meanwhile in the Dungeons of Hogwarts.
"They won't find me here," Peter told himself. "Girls don't like the dark.they don't like the damp.and I DON"T LIKE THEM!"
"Except Winona," he reminded himself.
Peter liked Winona.
Maybe that was because she didn't exist.
Suddenly Peter heard footsteps coming, "GO AWAY!" he cried.
"Peter?" a female voice called.
"NO! IT"S A GIRL!"
"Peter? It's Lily," declared a confused Lily. "What are you doing down here."
"Maybe I should be asking you the same question!" shot back Peter.
"Um. no?" said Lily. "Where you smoking the weed? Or.. Oh! Where you with Winona?"
"Oh! Yes! Yes! Winona and me! She was here!"
"Peter," said Lily kindly. "You don't have to pretend. EVERYBODY knows you're not dating a 6th year Hufflepuff in our Potions class."
"How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.
"We have potions with Slytherin. Also, there are no Winonas at Hogwarts."
"SHUT UP! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID GIRL!" he lashed out, sobbing.
They had found his secret.
Meanwhile, in Prague:
Voldemort cackled with glee as he gazed into his opponent's eyes, "I've got you now!"
"Think again, Voldy," his opponent glared.
"Fine! Go Fish!" Voldemort cried, "I don't have any sevens!"
"DAMN!" cried Voldy's supporter, "I'm losing! I think you're cheating!"
"How do you cheat at Go Fish?" asked Voldy.
"I don't know!"
"You know, sir," said one of Voldy's henchmen; "You should get back to work on the top secret plan!"
"Yes!" Voldy.
"Tomorrow night?" asked Madame Olympe as she gathered herself up. "Tomorrow night we play poker," she told Voldemort.
"I'll have tortilla chips," he told her solemnly.
"And guacamole?"
"Yes. Now leave me." He gave her a very strong, powerful look, complete with the raised eyebrow. "I have to work on the Plan."
"Ah," nodded Olympe. "The PLAN!"
"Yes." He pointed towards the unsanitary conditions and the rats that were lurking in the sewage in his kitchen.
"The plan," nodded the Henchmen in unison.
They all nodded.
Meanwhile at the zoo:
Dumbledore tossed Harold the zebra an animal cracker. "I wonder if this is cannibalism," he mused.
"Oh well," he resolved. "He's just a stupid camel."
(Authors' Note: Hi. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The story is going to take place over a series of short clips and flashbacks. Kiss. Kiss. (Only if you don't have aids, herpes or genital warts 'cause that's just nasty. And we don't care if we are discriminating) Love Lindsey and Sarah.)