THE REAL CHRISTIAN GREY
(Conversations between Christian Grey and Dr. John Flynn)
Based on characters of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E L James
A Novel
By
Marlette Bess
CHAPTER -1
Christian Grey, the twenty-seven-year-old millionaire (maybe a billionaire by this time) just called his psychiatrist the London born, Dr. John Flynn. The psychiatrist and Seattle's most eligible bachelor from the beginning had an odd relationship. Flynn had become Christian's doctor, friend, mentor, and confidante for over two years. Christian had gained a male friend, his only - other than his brother Elliot.
John thought Christian was the most beautiful man that he had ever seen with his tall stance, a buff build, piercing gray eyes and a mass of unruly copper hair. John admired his fashion style like he stepped out of the pages of GQ when working with his fine-looking custom-made suits. Dr. Flynn only dressed for necessity not to be a fashion icon like Christian. But when Christian casually dress he looked like the local bad-ass rock-star, all in black with a tight tee shirt and jeans. No wonder women always swooned at the sight of him.
Christian was charming, funny, and opportunistic when it came to business, but in his private life he could be dark, brooding and very depressed. He also had a very exclusive and secretive sex life. His family thought he was gay and celibate. Christian carried many wounds from childhood most profoundly that he had been sexually abused at fifteen.
John's particular form of therapy, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy was to get Christian to set goals and find strategies to work toward those goals. Christian had seen many psychiatrists and, after two years of therapy, John was not sure that he had helped his patient that much. But each week he kept prodding Christian to set goals and follow through.
Monday May 23, 2011, "Hi John, I'm glad that you're in. I had such a wonderful weekend but I'm a little confused about what happen. I know you have never heard me use the word confused, but this woman, this young woman has turned my world upside down."
Flynn said, while combing his long black hair back with his fingers, "Are you talking about the same young woman you told me about in our last session you went down Vancouver to see and did the photo shoot with? I don't know how I wormed that out of you, since you only mentioned it in passing."
Christian said, "Yes, but I don't even remember telling you about her. Two weeks ago, I went to see her at Clayton's Hardware where she works. This past weekend she called me."
"Christian, I want you to hang up and SKYPE me. I want to see your face and judge your reactions to my questions. Our conversations can be difficult over the phone. This time I insist that you SKYPE me because I want to see your face and gage your emotions."
Christian was pissed that John hung up on him, but did as he asked, he really needed his wisdom. Suddenly the good doc's face popped up on his laptop. They both glared at each other a minute, a sort of virtual a pissing contest on the computer.
Christian said, his gray eyes glaring, "You look well, John."
John winked his blue eyes back at him, "If you were a girl, Christian, I would say you're positively giddy. And you look different, lighter I think. You aren't usually so transparent. I take it that she wants you."
Christian crossed his legs then uncrossed them and leaned back in the couch. "I did things with her that I have never done before. I'm almost tongue-tied. For God's sake, she even met my mother, Grace, of course, she fell all over Anastasia."
John thought Anastasia was a beautiful name, very European sounding. "What do you find hard to reconcile," Dr. Flynn said with authority.
"Doc, I hope you're as shocked as I am for these are all firsts. First, I slept with her in the same bed. I was clothed and she was passed out drunk. I took most of her clothes off so I could have the hotel wash them. She has a beautiful body with divine skin. I didn't touch her, other than when I removed her vomit-stained shirt and pants and I even put a tee shirt on her. That was Saturday morning early and then, on Saturday evening, I flew her from Portland to Seattle in my helicopter, Charlie Tango. She watched me with such admiration and I watched her breathe, with her breasts heaving with excitement. We talked about sex and her becoming my submissive; hell, I even took her into the playroom. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made."
Christian's voice climbed an octave. "When we returned to the great room, and she told me she had no sexual experience; I was shocked. She was a virgin for God's sake. (He shook his copper locks.) She was even more enticing and exciting in that moment. Don't worry, Flynn, she wanted me. I must have asked at least four times before entering and she gave me the go-ahead."
John yelled into his computer screen, "Look, Christian, why would you do that to her? The women you have had in the past have all been sexually experienced in your lifestyle. I know you have a particular taste, but to bring a young woman, a virgin no less, into your world is dangerous and frankly downright stupid."
"John, I know that, but she wanted me. Her body and eyes were giving me the go-ahead. I can read women and she wanted me. (He said pleading.) For God's sake maybe she is the first woman who has ever wanted me - not just the Dominant - or the billionaire - but me. That is why I'm confused! Ana looked at me with longing and lust wanting me so badly and now, I want her. When I kissed her the first time in the Heathman Hotel elevator, I said, "Fuck the paperwork." I grabbed her and kissed her like my life depended on it as if we were free falling down to the lobby."
Christian could see John writing on his notepad. John wrote; he's in love. "I don't need to know all the details, but did you satisfy her? You weren't all James Bondage on her?"
He stroked his copper hair and then shoved his long legs out again as he leaned into the computer. "To tell you the truth, I was terrified. This was the first woman actually wanted me, other than with Elena in the beginning. I would never admit that to anyone but you. I was gentle and tender with her like no other. Like I said, it was a first to have Vanilla Sex and I enjoyed myself. Then when we were finished with her first sexual experience, she asked for more. The second time, I held her hands so she would not touch me and she had two more orgasms. There was blood on the sheets, and I know she was sore this morning. We took a bath together, she gave me the most incredible blow job; a first for her and the best I've ever had. She appears to have no gag reflex. This beautiful creature Anastasia has changed me and yet, I sent her home with the standard submissive contract, and I had her sign a non-disclosure agreement. Oh one more thing, we were on our last sexual encounter my mother interrupted us. Thank God, Taylor prevented her from entering the bedroom by telling her I was not alone."
"Let me get this straight," as John frowned at the monitor, "you deflowered a virgin, had the best blow job ever and, in the end, you were interrupted by your mother? And what the hell is vanilla sex?"
"Yea, that's about it," he said stammering with a shit-ass grin on his face, "and now I have one question. What has this woman done to me?"
Flynn laughed and Christian was taken aback. "I knew you were fucked-up, Christian, but this weekend takes the cake. If you think that you're screwed-up, just imagine what poor Anastasia is going through. She gave herself to you; heart and soul, without hesitation or reservation, and then you send her home with papers to sign to become your submissive. Are you telling me that you have no feelings for her? With your other submissives you had no feelings! How is she supposed to go on having given you everything, to being dominated by you?"
Flynn sat back in his chair, he was angry at Christian. He knew that there was more than a doctor/patient relationship between him and Christian, but he felt he had to make Christian think about what he wanted from Anastasia. John did not want Anastasia as a client from just one sexual encounter with Christian. He thought Christian speaking about Anastasia was progress because, in the past, he had kept his submissives on the outer reaches of their conversations. Christian's attention began to wander. John tried to keep Christian engaged in the conversation.
"Why was she drunk?"
"Celebrating final exams."
John looked satisfied with Christian's answer and then said, "I want you to close your eyes and describe Anastasia to me. I want you to go into as much detail about her as you feel comfortable."
Christian was always a willing patient because he wanted to be normal.
"Anastasia Rose Steel is approximately five-six, slim, and at times, I think she doesn't eat enough and is on the verge of becoming skinny and is small boned with slim shoulders. Having the most beautiful pale skin, like a blush on a white rose; I want to touch her all the time. Her unruly chestnut hair is in need of a good cut. But her powder-blue eyes look at me with lust and compassion. I also can see fear behind her smile. I think she thinks she is not good enough for me, which is totally and utterly ridiculous; I'm surely the one not worthy. She will look through her extremely long lashes at me catching me off guard. I can see in her eyes that she trusts me. Did I mention her breasts that fit in my hands perfectly and that she has beautifully large nipples? I love watching them swell in between my fingers." Christian was unconsciously rolling his index finger and thumb together.
"She sounds like a beautiful woman. Did you tell her?"
"Yes…I think so." Christian got a confused look on his face.
"How old is she?"
Christian looked sheepishly, "Twenty-one, old enough to give her consent."
Flynn said, looking directly in the screen, "I want you to do the same exercise as before, but I want you to tell me your emotions or feelings. I know you're a good talker, Christian, but I want to know, how it felt when you held her or kissed her or touched her skin. I know you don't do feelings, but now after Anastasia, I know you have feelings!"
Christian was perturbed. "John, in all the time I have known you, this is the hardest assignment you have given me. I want to say no, but I'm the one who needs help and if this will help, I'll do it, I think. Oh, I forgot to answer your question about Vanilla sex. It just means plain-old ordinary sex with no add-ons."
Christian leaned once more into the couch and blew out a long breath, hoping he could do as Flynn asked. Closing his eyes he said. "Emotions, when she called me on early Saturday morning, she was drunk dialing me from some bar - giving me shit. I was angry with her, very angry because she should have more respect for her body than to get drunk. You know I can be ruthless when I want something, and I put my best tracking skills to work. I found her by tracking her phone. When I pulled up at the bar with my brother Elliot, she was outside with a boy who was trying to take full advantage of her condition. I didn't go psycho on him, but I did feel a real need to protect her. She started vomiting, and it took time for her to calm down. We went inside the bar so she could tell her best friend Kate that she was with me. My brother Elliot had already found Kate and was putting the moves on her. I must admit they made a striking blond couple."
"I took Ana back to the Heathman for her own protection, or maybe it was my need to protect her. I felt obligated to take care of her. She was so vulnerable. The next morning she took a shower and even used my tooth brush after breakfast. I kissed her desperately in the elevator as we left the hotel. There was an electrical charge between us. I couldn't help myself and grabbed her in my arms pinning her against the wall of the elevator and grinding my body against hers. Then I kissed her with feelings. I wanted that kiss to go on forever. I could have ridden that elevator for days just touching her lips. Emotion, I felt complete, whole, and at peace for 10 seconds."
Christian took a drink of water and when he looked up at the screen Flynn was taking notes and looked up. "Do you want to continue? You're doing very well."
He nodded his head. "Then when I took her to the penthouse, she was frightened. I thought it was me, but it was her virginity she was about to lose. At first, I believed it was just something I had to do to make her my submissive, but when I actually had sex with her, she was real, no role playing, no coming on command. The more she gave to me, the more I understood that she was actually giving herself. I had no idea why she did that or how she allowed me take her trembling innocence. Then when she asked for more, I was lost. I think the second time it was pure emotion. I wanted her and her only. I wanted her not as a submissive, only as Ana. Then I slept with her in my arms. I don't know if I have ever slept that soundly. You see why I'm so damn confused?"
Christian took more water and John was going to say something but Christian continued, "How could she give me her virginity? I'm not worthy. I feel such excitement just thinking about her and want to nuzzle my nose in her hair smelling her scent. I want to smell her bodily fluids and, more than that, I want to kiss her full lips. Am I nuts, or what's wrong with me? John, we have gone through submissives together, leaving and finding new ones, but she literally stumbled into my life when she came to interview me at Grey House. I feel lost at this moment, and just talking about her has made me horny."
John asked, "When do you see her again?"
"Wednesday, I'm taking her to dinner to discuss the submissive/dominant contract."
"I just have one piece of advice, please don't push her. You've made her dreams come true. She waited a long time to give away her virginity. You're special in her powder-blue eyes. I know this is unfamiliar territory but Christian, Anastasia is a different creature from your usual type. She is vulnerable around you and may force herself into doing what you want just to have you. But the bigger question for me is that all you want from her to become your submissive? Is there any chance you may want more from her than weekends in bondage with no feelings?"
"John that is what's so damn confusing; I'm a dominant who needs a submissive. That being said, I also have this hunger to be with her. I don't think I would ever do anything stupid like hurt her, but she presses my buttons and that makes me want to punish her. I even opened up and told her about Elena. I just explained Elena was the one who brought me into the lifestyle"
Now John's face was almost on fire with anger. "Christian, you have no idea what you did. She thinks like me that you were molested. She has pity and sorrow for you. She is probably more confused than you." John put on his thinking cap. "Is she very smart?"
"Anastasia smart? What an understatement, she is very bright and at the top of her class. Why?"
"She is trying right now to figure out why you need to dominate her. Now you gave her one damn big clue that you were molested as a teenager. Christian, you have met a woman who is your equal. She will have you hogtied in ten seconds flat. I am warning you that Anastasia is trying as we speak to figure you out. If you don't want her to delve deeper into your psyche then don't see her again for she will force you to confront the truth much more than I have."
Christian's face looked like shattered glass, a look that John had only seen when Christian talked about his birth mother. He wanted to say more, but nothing would come out.
"I'll heed your warning, but I've got to go because my phone has been on vibrate, and I've received so many calls I'm about to get a thrill. I won't see you Thursday because I'm giving a speech at Anastasia's commencement."
"Christian, I want you to do me a favor. I think you're going to need my help navigating these unchartered waters. Please email me after you see her each time. I don't think it wise for you to wait for our next session. Of course, you know that I'll always take your calls. Be careful, Christian, the heart is dangerous waters for you."
He smiled at the computer, "I'll do that, but I'll get my way with Anastasia Steel or my name is not Christian Grey."
Dr. Flynn sat and thought about Christian after he was disconnected; pondering Christian was an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. This new woman changed Christian more in three days than therapy had in two years. Christian didn't know he was in love, but John did. He also worried that Christian might force Anastasia into something she was not ready for. He was deep into thought when the phone rang, informing him of his next patient.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: First Email
Date: May 24 2011 00:14
To: Dr. John Flynn
I went to see her tonight. I couldn't wait until Wednesday night. Why does she affect me this way? When I'm in the same room I just can't keep my hands off her. We had sex. No, I shouldn't put it that way, we had good sex. At times, I think she is satisfied more than I am. I want to consume her. She is shy and sweet, but powerful when she moves her body. I have had women reach orgasm around me but, when she does it, it's like my explosion is deeper and more meaningful. Emotion, when she comes around me, it scares me. Shit! That's not an emotion, but you get my drift.
She asked me if I was going to collar her like a dog. This was shit she had read on the internet. I told her I never collared any woman. The only collar I would put around her neck is diamonds.
I went to Anastasia's apartment because she sent me a dismissive email, telling me she did not want to see me again. Actually it said, "It was nice knowing you." My outrage was over-the-top and then she kicked me out of her bed after sex. Another first, no woman has ever told me they don't want to see me. As you would say if my submissives could speak they might have told me. With a submissive she can leave anytime she wants, no questions asked that is part of the contract. No woman has ever kicked me out of their bed. But then again, I have never had sex in any woman's bed before. Oh! The sex was good. I said that already. Am I losing my mind over her? I think I need sleep. I told Anastasia to go to sleep I should take my own advice.
Christian Grey
CEO & Confused, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
After Christian sent the email, he felt something strange - a tear was on his cheek. It was an odd sensation because tears were something he never experienced.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: First Email - Answer
Date: May 24 2011 07:14
To: Christian Grey
Christian, do you have any idea what you have done to that poor woman? Now that you have been in her bed, she will dream of you there. The reason she is shy is because you intimidate her. This powerful man steals her virginity, beds her, and then wants her to sign up for kinky sex. Do you know how bogus that sounds?
My God man, she has only had three days of sex! She is trying to process what her body and mind are trying to tell her. Then the guy she likes dangles a contract in front of her face like a horse watching a carrot on a stick. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN - CHRISTIAN!
John
From: Christian Grey
Subject: I Can't
Date: May 24 2011 12:04
To: Dr. John Flynn
This morning has been hard for me. Everywhere I looked I saw her. My phone rang and I kept thinking it was her. I'm in awe. What has she done to me? I'm trying not to be pushy or controlling, but I'm losing the battle. You have always told me I could change, but how? Are my sexual needs more important than my need to change? Am I capable of being less controlling? I'm just one sorry asshole.
Christian Grey
CEO & Still Confused, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Still Confused
Date: May 24 2011 13:14
To: Christian Grey
Do you really want her as your submissive - only having sex with her from Friday night to Sunday afternoon? Do you want her to be without opinions or needs, only service you without regard for her feelings? Sometimes I think a blowup doll would work very well for you. You could twist her into any position and she could come anytime you wanted. Christian this young woman of excellent taste wants you and NOT a contract. I think what you fail to see is how charming, utterly charming you find her. She is tough and strong and is going to hold out as long as she can, hoping you will capitulate on the contract.
Please have a little compassion for her. You're her first sexual encounter and you're demanding she give up her life to you. THINK, Christian; is this really what you want?
I have two questions: how much sex did you have with your subs per day, and do you really want obedience from Anastasia? Would you have her be obedient and take away the spark that has drawn you together? Sorry three questions.
My advice is hand her the diploma and your heart at same time.
Your friend in all things good and true.
John
Christian was enjoying a leisurely moment in between meetings, but he took the time to think about Flynn's email. He stared out from his office with Seattle at his feet and wondered if Ana would always be below him or would she be at his side. These were all new thoughts.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Thinking
Date: May 24 2011 16:03
To: Dr. John Flynn
How much sex did I have? It's hard to gauge, but sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. You're right about Anastasia; I want sex with her daily. This is getting confusing. It seems I have drawn a line in the sand and dared her to cross over, but part of me wants the desirable and defiant Miss Steel. You're right again, I like her questioning me. It forces me to look at things differently but somehow I need to control her. I like the spark between us, especially the one I felt in the elevator. I seem to be on a big pendulum swinging back and forth. John, I want her so badly. I just need to breathe the same air as she!
I want her, John. She is not like hiring the other subs. Hiring is not the right word. Maybe recruiting a sub is easier, although the last one turned out to be a drag. Susannah only lasted a month. She told me I was cold and cruel and I never touched her. Fuck, why am I bringing this up now? Your patient is really screwed-up.
I see tomorrow her at seven to go over the contract.
Christian Grey
CEO & Now Fucked-up, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: You have been fucked-up for awhile!
Date: May 25 2011 17:37
To: Christian Grey
Decide what you want before you press her into signing a contract at your dinner. Christian you're brilliant at business, but unfamiliar with affairs of the heart. DON'T PUSH HER!
John
Christian was excitedto see Anastasia. He went down to the Marble Bar at the Heathman Hotel with his stomach in knots. How could this be? Women don't have this effect on him; but when he saw her in her plum dress that skimmed her body, he wanted to rip it off of her. He smiled, showing no signs of his internal struggle. Her beautiful chestnut hair hanging down to one breast made him salivate. He gathered his wits and took her to a booth.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Stunned
Date: May 25 2011 22:55
To: Dr. John Flynn
We went to dinner to discuss the contract. I was friendly and more businesslike than I had ever been with her. She is a good negotiator, who stated her arguing points with reason and clarity. It was odd to be discussing fisting, anal sex, and sexual tools during dinner. We discussed the contract logically but the undercurrent of sexuality kept invading our thoughts.
I thought I was being charming, but she would have none of it or me. She held her own even though I was salivating at her beauty in her plum dress. We ate dinner, but she did not eat much.
She defies me about eating. I worry about her. Will she be strong enough for me to put her through my sexual paces?
When our negotiations were complete, I got one brief kiss and then she was off.
I'm really not persuading her to be my submissive. I know she is young and inexperienced, but I wanted her and would have taken her right there on the floor of the Heathman Hotel.
My God, I'm more confused than ever. All of my charms and powers of persuasion don't seem to be working on her.
John, all I want is her.
She did consent to kiss me, but she would not stay longer or spend the night. She told me she needed time to think. She has a hard time believing she could be my submissive. Before she left, I think I even begged her to stay something I've never done before.
She drives a very old VW bug. I was terrified she would not make it home. My God, John, if something happened to her, I would feel terrible. So I have decided to buy her a car for graduation tomorrow. At least, if she doesn't want me I know she will be safe.
Why am I so possessed by her?
I even stated my case to her again in my email that I sent not more than ten minutes ago. What's so wrong with becoming my submissive?
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Pushing
Date: May 26 2011 07:00
To: Christian Grey
I know you don't think buying a car is big deal, but it is! It's an extraordinarily large gift. She probably has worked her way through college.
You are PUSHING her hard, like you must do when you have sex with her. She is young and bright with a propensity to please. My God, Christian, you must be smothering her.
Do you want her as she is, or do you want to dominate her? She is a poor candidate for your submissive wants, for she is a complete woman.
You have things missing from childhood and adolescence, but she is complete and happy. Do you want her give in to your depravity and take away joy?
If I could get you on the phone, I would be shouting in your ear, Wake up, Christian Grey!
I know you think of me as an old man, but I'm only forty-five. I had to check my own ego in order to give up my practice in London to be with Rhian. I have adjusted to living in the States, to being a father, to living with a woman after all those years of being single. It was difficult, but worth it.
What are you willing to give up, your depraved lifestyle in order to have Anastasia?
I have become just like you, Christian, running my fingers through my hair to show my frustrations.
Be careful and slow down.
Good luck on your convocation address, but you probably don't need it for you'll pick Anastasia out of the audience and give the speech to her.
John
Once again, Christianread the words but could not connect feelings to the words. He believed in that moment that pursuing Anastasia was the only action he could take. Christian sent a quick text to John as he was being driven to see Anastasia on her graduation night.
Good day. Going to her now. She is willing to try. I'll update later.
John was at home tucking the kids into bed when he got this text. He shook his head and said to himself, "Like hell, Anastasia is willing to try."
Christian was back at the Heathman relaxing after having fucked Anastasia, feeling rather proud of his performance. He had met her step-father, Ray Steel, after her commencement, and he had encouraged Christian to take care of his daughter. The more he thought about their encounter the more he wanted to be back with her, but he knew going back would open him up to her. He liked being the dominant and in control, but every time he went to teach her something, he ended up the one learning about her. Christian writes to Flynn knowing that, because of the time, he would not read it until tomorrow.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Wow! What an evening
Date: May 26 2011 22:30
To: Dr. John Flynn
We negotiated the soft limits of the contract. I told you that she was coming around to my way of thinking.
While having sex she tried to touch me, but then she took control and dominated me. I told her I had a rough start in life and that I was fifty shades of fucked-up.
We discussed contraception. I hate using condoms!
It was going great until she rolled her eyes at me, and I had to spank her. It took her by surprise, but then I fucked her good in the end.
She was so funny and caring towards me. She likes sex, but she takes me places I've never been.
Then I debased her and, when I left, she had such longing, questioning why I had to go. Now I sit in my hotel suite, questioning why I left. Why does she pull at me?
With the submissives I would leave them alone to sleep in their own bedroom, but I'm not sure I will allow Anastasia to sleep alone.
You're right I'm pushing her - to what end?
She told me she would take debasement to enlightenment. Whatever that means?
I will call you tomorrow, and hopefully you could enlighten me.
Christian Grey
CEO & Fucked-up even more, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Flynn was working, just having finished a group session. Reading Christian's email, he realized that Christian was in such unfamiliar territory with Anastasia that he actually knew if this new relationship fell apart, so would Christian. He was alarmed and wrote back immediately.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Pushing
Date: May 26 2011 23:00
To: Christian Grey
Christian, if you keep giving her all the details of your life, she will continue to dig into your psyche. If you wanted to remain aloof and detached from this woman, you've certainly failed. I told you she was in love with you, and now she wants to rescue the little lost boy and the teenager from hell. You have opened up another whole kettle of worms, and you told her you were fifty shades of fucked-up.
Of course you are, now she will want to soothe each and every shade until you're in Technicolor. You have given her all the ammunition to heal you or hurt you.
Christian, if your timeline is correct, you then talked about contraception. This girl has had sex five times and you want her on oral contraception for your convenience.
Fuck! No choice? Do whatever Christian wants. Maybe you want a robot!
Spanking her is fun, but you fucked her good and then left. Grow up, you arrogant son-of-a-bitch.
WHAT ABOUT HER?Does she have feelings for you?
I am disgusted with you and, if you don't call tomorrow or SKYPE me, I will hunt you down.
For fuck sake Christian, THINK.
Your very pissed off friend,
John
Christian read hisemail and was about to respond when he got an email from Anastasia. He was so lost. He was surprised because he didn't know that she was just as lost. He read that she was angry at him because he never stayed with her. He knew if he went back to her place, he would sleep with her and he never had slept with anyone in their own bed.
His driving was fast, but in control, leading to her waiting arms. Why does he have such a need to be with her? After arriving at her apartment, Christian had to get past the over-protective roommate, Kate Kavanagh, only to find Ana crying. Why was she crying, certainly not over him? Was it because he spanked her? His head was more confused than ever. He was overwhelmed by his need to curl up next to her, kiss her, and sleep. Christian had a new feeling of being safe in her arms.
Was he a priapic monster as Kate called him? Did he always think with his penis? Christian was not a monster or a rapist. He always had women who were interested in doing the same thing as he was. Anastasia he felt, worshipped him, as well she should, but she was not his submissive yet. Could she be his submissive? Why would he give into her demands when he never had before with any woman he had been with?
When Christian jumped out of bed in the morning, knowing that he might be a few minutes late to his meeting, it didn't seem to matter. He didn't want to leave her. How was that possible?
During the day, he called Dear Doctor Flynn. Christian understood how precious Flynn's vacation time was with his family. Thank God, it was a phone conversation, and Flynn didn't have to see Christian's face.
"John, you're yelling at me; I wouldn't take that shit from any man."
"Look, Christian, you don't get the point that Anastasia needs space and time to comprehend what is happening to her or what you have done to her. Do you think of this as a game where you will get what you want? She is a woman with wants and needs that you have not even recognized as you steamroll yourself over her."
"John, calm down. I'm not the evil incarnate that you think I am. I just want her to become my submissive and I'm not asking for a lifetime commitment."
"That could be the problem, Christian; maybe she is looking for a lifetime commitment."
"NO…how could that be possible?"
"You have given her - let me list - rare books, a new laptop, a new car, and now a BlackBerry, all to control her. She may be thinking, he really likes me, and she may want more than just the submissive shit."
"Why do you always take her side? I'm trying not to become a stalker, and that is how you make me sound when you list all the gifts. But you're right; I do want to control her, especially her orgasms"
John frowned, "I know you are trying to be witty, but you're not amusing me, and I don't think Ana would think that comment amusing either. Christian, I know with your wealth that buying her things has no significant consequence to you, but to her you are buying her into submission. It may give you the results you want in the short term, but not necessarily the result you need. Other than sex, tell me what qualities you like in her."
"You're hardnosed today; I thought vacations were supposed to make people relax. I don't know what you want."
"Think, Christian, does she make you laugh? Does she challenge you intellectually? Does she confront you as a person, or is she just another one of your submissive Barbie dolls?"
"She challenges me all the time with her questions about my past. Ana has a good sense of humor. She is well read. I guess you're right; I know more about her body than her intellect. I think she is practical and has common sense."
"Do you understand that you're not valuing her as a human being?"
"Yes, but I still want her."
"That is fine, Christian; but you must appreciate what is above the waistline as well as what is below it. I have got to go; the family is ready and waiting for me. Christian, please, try to take things slowly."
"Bye, John, talking to you is always fun, but now I think I'm demoralized. I'll see you next week."
When Christian hung up, he thought a long time about what Flynn had to say. Was he valuing Ana as a human being? He could walk the walk and talk the talk as a CEO, but his feelings about Anastasia were all over the place. Then yesterday he told her to cry when he was around; what a stupid thing to say. It broke his heart to see her upset in any way.
Saturday, picking up Mia, his baby sister, from her Paris flight was challenging. Mia, could get anything she wanted from Christian…he was putty in her hands. Mia was a breath of fresh air direct from Paris. She was not so little now… just a few inches shorter than he with raven bobbed hair and decked out in the latest French fashion. He took her to breakfast knowing that once home, he wouldn't have any time with her; when her friends found out she was back.
Mia said, "Christian, there is something different about you. Have you found someone?"
Christian's embarrassment came out. He couldn't tell her much due to his straight line thinking because Anastasia was going to become his submissive only. Mia's girlish enthusiasm rubbed off on him. Mia and Anastasia were just a few months apart in age; Mia the wild child and Ana the serious one, but he didn't know if that was true. Anastasia's giggles made his world light up.
"I may have met someone. I don't know where the relationship is going and, besides that, it's too early to call."
"Does she have a name, or is she just a figment of your imagination."
"No, she is real. Her name is Anastasia Steel. She is your age, just graduated from WSU Vancouver. Both your brother and mother have met her."
"I can't wait to meet the girl who has captured my brother's heart."
Then the brat told their parents at dinner about Ana, something new for Christian, he felt embarrassed. But his older brother Elliot, the golden boy of family, decided to invite Katherine, Anastasia's roommate, the following night to dinner. He had been sexually entwined with Kate since the night they rescued Ana from the bar. In an effort to prolong Ana's Sunday with him, Christian told his mother that Anastasia would be coming to dinner too.
Christian had always lived by rules that he set up when he started having submissives. Their contact was supposed to be limited to Christian. No contact with his family, or his business associates, only people the women knew before becoming his submissive. He knew he was breaking every rule that he had set, but Anastasia wasn't his submissive yet. She had met his mother once that was his only rationalization. But he had broken the rules!
From: Christian Grey
Subject: She is here!
Date: May 27 2011 13:07
To: Dr. John Flynn
She moved to Seattle yesterday. Wow! We're in the same city!
Why am I so excited? Is excitement an emotion? She is going to give me an answer today. I'll write more later. Whoa! She is here in the apartment and soon in my arms.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
On Monday around noon Ana had just left to get ready for her interviews; she still had not told Christian what publishers she had intern interviews with. It was lunch time, and he hoped to catch Dr. Flynn in.
"Hi, John, hope you had a great getaway with your family." Christian smiled into his phone.
"Thank you for emailing me; I've enjoyed your sexcapades. But you have made me so damn mad at times; I needed to call my shrink. Before you give me the latest installment of the Christian and Anastasia saga, did my emails help at all?"
"John, yes…maybe…well…but I find myself so wrapped up in Anastasia that my logical brain doesn't work when I'm around her. So I guess you'll be glad to know that I have an emotional brain. I don't understand it, I'm sure Ana must think I'm a madman. I'm on a swing, swinging from logical to emotional in a nanosecond. What do you want to know, you always want to know something?"
John rubbed his chin at the same time Christian was doing the same. "Did she sign the contract?"
"No, I told her not to sign it until she got back from Georgia. She is flying there tonight to see her mother."
"Is she from the South?"
"No, her mother is on husband number four. Her birth father is dead and Ana lived most of her teenage years with her step-father who lives in Montesano, Washington. Oh, that would be husband number two, Ray Steel. Ana took his last name."
"How do you feel about Anastasia going to see her mother?"
"Now we get the emotional or feeling part. I hate it. I even asked if I could go along and she told me no. I'm nervous she won't come back." His voice cracked with uncertainty.
"If she didn't, you could always go hire another sub," John said in his most sarcastic voice.
Christian was completely taken aback and said, "Funny, I don't want anyone but her."
"What if she doesn't want your lifestyle?"
"I think of that every day. I think she wants me and shows me. I've never allowed a woman to kiss me and yet, she grabs my face and kisses me with such passion that all I can do is surrender to her. Does that mean she wants me?"
"Christian, old man, you don't have a clue. She wants you so badly that it is probably excruciating for her not to touch you."
"John, she even asked how I would feel if I couldn't touch her. The only word that came to mind was unbearable. I want her to touch me, but I just can't bring myself to allow her to do so. I'm fucked-up. She did let me take her into the playroom and tie her up, giving her overwhelming orgasms. I wore her out and then had to wake her up to take her to dinner at my parents' house."
"What the fuck, Christian," John yelled into the phone. Christian had to take the phone away from his ear momentarily. "You want her as your submissive to tie up and abuse, but then you take her to meet your parents. Did you take other submissives to meet your parents? Of course not! You keep pressuring her to sign the contract and then introduce her to your parents as the bitch that kneels in the corner naked until you call on her to perform kinky sex acts."
"That's not an accurate description of what a sub does." He tightened his legs to protect himself, "I do see your point, John, but I haven't been able to get the logical brain to work out all the details. My family loves her, as everyone was gushing over her as we left. I was angry and mad at her."
"Do I really want to know why you were angry and mad at her?"
"I know this is going to sound childish and stupid, but we went to my parents' house, and she was not wearing panties. That is another long story. When I tried to feel her thighs, she closed her legs to me under the table. She is the first woman who has ever closed her legs to me. Then I carried her later out to the boathouse to give her a spanking, but she told me no, she didn't want to get spanked." He yelled, "She told me NO!"
"Welcome to the real relationship world, my dear boy, since you have never been in one. Women hate to be told what to do. None of your subs could speak and Anastasia speaks her mind freely all the time. I bet you even got hotter and madder when she said no. Whether you like it or not, I think you're in the real world of relationships. She'll never be your submissive, no matter how hard she tries. I just don't think she has it in her to let you dominate. Why would you humiliate her in front of your parents? Is this part of the sicko Christian Grey's rule book? Also, I know she slept in your bed. What the hell are you doing, Christian?"
"I feel you are pressuring me, John, and I should hang up, but why should she stop my hand going up her thigh?"
John was really mad yelling again into the phone, "Have you heard of words like modesty, personal space and, for God sake's, embarrassment? She was a virgin up until a week ago; what if she were rubbing your penis under the dinner table with her parents sitting there? Would you spring it forth and let her suck it off under the table? Think, Christian, you are humiliating her."
"Well I never thought about humiliating her. And sometimes I don't even remember her being a virgin the sex has been so phenomenal. I really do know how to demean her, and I don't mean sexually. Why would she let me degrade her in this way?"
"Because she is in love you, and she would let you debase her at every turn if it meant she could have you."
"How can she love me when I'm a real nasty son-of-a-bitch? Now that you have raked me over the hot coals, all I want is her, but I can't seem to stop my need to control her. What am I going to do? Maybe I need to give her space and some for me too."
"Christian, what do you see in your future? Is she there in your arms, or are you alone hugging a ghost?"
In a very sad and lonely voice, Christian said, "I'll think about that and get back to you. Thanks John, I'm glad I caught you in. Bye."
When he hung up, he had a tear running down his face. He was lost and alone in that moment and he wanted nothing more than to find Anastasia, kiss her, and make love to her until next year. But his logical brain kicked in, and he went off to work after eating lunch.
Taylor, Christian's bodyguard/driver/secret keeper was driving to the airport in Hilton Head, South Carolina with his usual proficiency. Christian had been on the phone since they started their drive in Savannah, Georgia.
"John, I hate leaving messages, but I want to know if Mrs. Jones is okay…"
"Hi, Christian, I was ending a session. I talked with Mrs. Jones a little while ago and she is doing fine. She is upset, but will call if there are any lingering problems. No word on Leila, and I'm sorry that this has gotten in the way of your time with Anastasia. When can you come see me? We need a face to face."
"What time do you have free tomorrow," Christian asked.
"I could fit you in early morning, would you like to do breakfast?" John answered hoping he could have face time with Christian.
"Sure, I'll meet you at that café in your building at 7 or 7:30?"
"I'll be there at seven." John answered.
"Anastasia is wonderful. See you in the morning; bye, John"
Christian and Taylor arrived back in Seattle the Escala his penthouse in the early afternoon. He went into the study and Taylor went to find Mrs. Jones.
"I looked in the kitchen for you, Gail, and you weren't there."
She ran to his arms and started to cry. "I didn't know how she broke in, but she was right in front of me in the kitchen…she came out of thin air. Maybe I'd seen her before, but I don't think so. I believe she had spent weekends with Mr. Grey. She wandered around the kitchen not giving me any thought like I was a ghost. I knew that Ryan was here for security, and Sawyer was at Grey House for a meeting, I think. But no one came to the kitchen to help. I was alone with a mad woman. At least that is how she appeared… dirty, wild eyes, and barely audible. She knew where the knives were, and took out a knife, cutting her left arm open. She dropped the knife and I grabbed a kitchen towel and wrapped her arm. Still no Ryan showed up at the foyer, so I drove her to the ER, myself. I called Dr. Flynn, but she escaped before he got there."
Taylor said, "When Mr. Grey told me about Leila, it was all I could do to keep the panic down in my voice. I left you three messages, but you didn't call me back. Gail, you look beautiful and I love you."
Taylor kissed her passionately there in the foyer.
"Jason Taylor, you need a shave, and maybe you could stand a shower too. I'm glad you're home, and I can't wait until we go to bed tonight. I just want you to hold me in your big strong arms and have you tell me everything is alright."
"My beautiful blonde Gail, everything is alright and I'm home. Hopefully, Miss Steel won't have the need to run off to Timbuktu or Pago Pago; I'll be in town for awhile. I'll go clean up for you. That is the trouble with having a heavy beard; you need to shave a lot."
"I like your beard, buzz cut, and your hard body." She gave him a passionate kiss, and Christian came in the foyer and backed up in surprise. Then he called out for Taylor, and Gail scurried away.
After Taylor answered, Christian told him he was going to Grey House and to be ready in half an hour.
Christian was so involved with his work that afternoon he only took time to answer Ana's emails.
He had a fitful night's sleep, and longed for her touch until he got out of bed at five in the morning. He knew he should have slept more, but longing and desire did nothing to relieve his feelings of doom and dread.
Taylor dropped Christian off at seven for his breakfast meeting with Dr. Flynn, and then he went to put gas in the SUV and check the tires. Taylor thrived in his position and always paid attention to the smallest details. That's what made him so good at his job.
"How are you, John?" Christian said as he sat down. "I know I've added to your work by dumping Leila in your lap, so to speak."
"If you're here about Leila, I know nothing more than you. But first you need to tell me about her. I know it isn't a subject you want to talk about."
"What do you want to know?" Christian said irritated, "I sent you the form with all of her personal information."
"I want to know what you remember of her personality. Birthdates and employment history do little to help me understand what is happening to her now."
The waitress brought coffee, and they ordered breakfast so there would be fewer interruptions.
"Leila was with me for a year. She was always fun-loving and eager to please. I must admit Leila was the most beautiful women that I took on as a submissive. That is not one of my criteria for choosing a sub. She was happy, outgoing and always up for a challenge. When she left, it was a blow to my ego that she could so easily dismiss me and get married. It happened within a month. It was in the contract that she was to see no one but me, or have sex with anyone. Of course, you and I have discussed the contract many times, and it was not enforceable by any police department. I had no way of knowing she was cavorting with someone else."
"Did you love her, sleep with her; have sex in places other than in the playroom?"
"None of the above, when I told you that I'm having firsts with Ana, I meant it."
"Just checking, Christian, you have led an unusual lifestyle. Now, what about Ana?"
He replied, "You know me too well, John," he said as he rubbed both hands through his clean copper hair. "I came to tell you what happened to me in Savannah." He sipped his coffee.
"First, I should tell you on Tuesday night, I had dinner with Elena. I even emailed Ana and told her. Why? I don't know, but let me tell you Ana gave me a whole lot of shit. Backing up, first, Elena encouraged me to go to Savannah. I wanted to go anyway, but she told me it was a good thing. I know I should have called you, but I didn't feel the need to explain my actions. In the end, I'm here explaining my actions. I'm not being very articulate because, when it comes to Anastasia, I'm tongue-tied."
John just smiled as the waitress poured more coffee.
"I flew down to Savannah and stayed at a very nice hotel, and who should be in the bar when I went in after dinner; but Anastasia and her mother, Mrs. Carla Adams, a very attractive young forty-something woman. I was shocked - so shocked – that I sent Ana an email asking her how many cosmopolitans she'd had. She was so cute with her mouth gaping open as I sauntered toward them. My heart was racing she could have rejected me, and I would have gone back to the airport and flown home. Instead, I had a quick drink and told the bartender to charge their drinks to my room, giving him the room number. I was never more floored when later there was a knock at the door and it was Anastasia. She looked so hot and desirable. I was on a business phone call and was doing my best to get off so I could take her in my arms and kiss her. I hardly kissed my subs, especially the last two."
Breakfast came, and Christian ate. John said, "I would ask how the sex was, but of course that would never be your problem," giving Christian a smirk. "Why are we having this conversation?"
Christian put down his fork "She told me she wanted more, and I gave her more; I took her soaring. She was absolutely giddy, and I was thrilled to have her restrained in the cockpit of the glider with me."
John actually started tapping his fork on his plate in frustration and when the waitress came with more coffee, he waved her off.
"She wanted to know about Elena and how I could see her again. She thinks Mrs. Robinson (Ana's name for her) is a pedophile and molested me when I was a teenager. Everytime I mentioned her name or tried to explain how she helped me out, her eyes turned from blue to green. She is jealous, something I just can't understand."
"Christian, you sometimes can be so obtuse. She loves you and feels this woman harmed you and made you the way you are. She is profoundly concerned because of you not wanting to be touched."
"Why does she need to know all this shit from my past? It's like I'm breaking free of the past everytime I see her and yet, she insists on dragging me back into it. I told her the no touching was not from Elena, but she wants to know everything." He went back to eating.
"Christian, did you answer her questions, or did you avoid them like you do most of mine? How many ways can I put this to you? She is in love with you and wants to know every dark secret so she can bring light to it and heal you. Are you still pushing her to sign that damn contract? I want you to heed my words, Christian Grey. If she signs the contract you both will be miserable and disaster awaits."
Christian put his fork down and pushed his plate away. "Why would you say a thing like that?"
"She wanted you and you gave her more. You let her sleep in your bed; you introduced her to your parents - without panties." (Shaking his head.) "You're overwhelming her and then you want to punish her for some perceived line that she may cross. Can you control your desire to punish her? Can you control your lust? She wants the whole package – the whole…Christian. She wants hearts and flowers and happily ever after."
"How do you know this, John?"
"My God, you're a dense man; she gave you her virginity! I didn't mean for my voice to grow louder, but you can be so damn frustrating."
"Oh that must be why I got such a peculiar response from Ana when I told her I was coming back to Seattle to handle a situation. That is what I called her virginity before I took it from her, a situation."
For the first time, John knew he had made Christian think differently about Anastasia. He watched as Christian's demeanor changed like the air had been let out of a balloon.
"When will you see her again?"
"Anastasia is flying home today." He was now rubbing his smoothly shaven chin. "I'll think long and hard about what you said. I told you I get tongue-tied, but I think between the two of you, I'm hog-tied." He threw money down on the table for the bill and went outside in disgust just as Taylor pulled up.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Fucked-up
Date: June 4 2011 23:47
To: Dr. John Flynn
Fucked her, Beat her and she left me!
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
CHAPTER - 2
Dr. Flynn did not receive the email until nearly nine on Sunday morning. He went to his wife and said, "Christian is in a bad way, and I need to find him. I'm sorry about our day."
His wife Rhian said, "I know patients need you at different times, but you and Christian are different. He is a friend and, with that knowledge, he could hurt you. Please be careful because he doesn't always respect your boundaries or your help. You know I love you because of your capacity to help people. Go! The boys and I'll be fine."
He gave her a kiss and was out the door before she could even say good-bye. He went to Christian's. He rang the apartment from the lobby, and Taylor answered.
"Hi, Taylor, is Christian in?"
"Come on up; I need to talk with you before you talk with Mr. Grey." Taylor gave Flynn the elevator code, and he went up to find Taylor waiting in the foyer. "He's in bad shape. How did you know?
"He sent me a very cryptic email. Did Anastasia really leave him?"
"Yes, they're both broken. I drove Anastasia back to her apartment yesterday morning and she was completely devastated. Mr. Grey went out to a gala last night without her and came home drunk and started to beat himself, I guess with the same belt he used on her. I'm glad that you're here."
"Let's go somewhere and talk; will he be okay by himself for awhile?" Taylor nodded.
Taylor showed Dr. Flynn into his office, fully equipped with every high-tech gadget known to man. "Last night, I was asleep with Gail, you know, Mrs. Jones the housekeeper. I told Christian about our blossoming affair last night whether he comprehended that we're sleeping together or not, is beyond me. I was in my room sleeping with Gail when the phone rang. I'm not sure if you're aware, but we've added extra security because of the Leila situation. The guard on duty in here reported that he had seen Mr. Grey almost fall down in the foyer, breaking a bottle of booze, and asked what he should do. I told him that I would check on Mr. Grey and make sure he was alright. Gail asked if there was going to be trouble, for she knew Anastasia had left."
He continued after a thinking pause, "I knew this was going to happen when Miss Steel came into his life. Mr. Grey is not equipped to handle the emotions of love. He must have hurt her in some way and now can't deal with it. I went to find him and make sure he did no harm. I told Gail to please stay in my bed and I would be back sooner or later and if it was later, it would give me great comfort to know she is safe and warm. She told me she would stay and being with me had been a highlight of living here. She asked for a kiss, which I gave to her. I don't know why I just told you that. I don't normally tell anyone about my private life, but the man in there is broken, and I don't want to end up like that."
John said, "You see, Taylor is that your first name?"
"No, it's Jason."
"Thank you, Jason; you could never end up where Christian is because you're willing to love. Poor Christian has no skills to deal with love. I better to go to him. If I need to ask you more questions later, that's alright with you?"
Jason nodded his head.
Christian was sitting on the couch deep in thought when Dr. Flynn entered, not wanting to disturb him. Christian was thinking why did Anastasia leave me? Why did I beat her with a belt of all things? I could have used a cane. Her flesh would have stung more, but a heavy belt, with all of the pressure, left a more lasting impression. Could I have eased her into the lifestyle with just a little more thought instead of being so fucking physical? Why was she so willing to do this with me when she was so young and sexually inexperienced?
"Christian," Flynn called softly and when he looked up, John could see his tear-stained face.
"What are you doing here?"
"What did you expect me to do when you send me a cryptic message like, "I fucked her, beat her, and she left me."
"Did I do that?" His eyes blinked at him.
"Christian, please tell me what has happened. You need to get it out."
"Anastasia walked out on me yesterday, almost 24 hours ago." He looked at his watch in bewilderment. "Then I reverted back to old habits that I thought I had conquered years ago. Who was this woman, this very young woman whom I had deflowered a short time ago? I've had women before, but she was different. She took a piece of this soul when she went out to the elevator in the foyer. I know that I have wounded Anastasia more than physically. There were no broken bones or even broken skin for anyone to see, but I knew the hot pain on her ass would not go away for days." He paused thinking staring off into space.
"I guess I should tell you that last night I went to the gala for the Seattle Art Museum Annual Fundraiser. Anastasia was supposed to accompany me, so all night there was an empty chair next to me. I thought that this would be our first public outing. The more I sat alone, which was no surprise to anyone because I always attend these functions alone, it became unbearable. I started drinking gin and tonic and continued my drinking once I got home. I sipped on gin, leaving out the tonic. I continued my drinking from the bottle, dropping it along the way as I climbed the stairs to the Red Room of Pain. That is what she called the playroom. I was beyond drunk."
Just then, Mrs. Jones brought in coffee and fresh blueberry muffins. John nodded for her to come in.
Christian smiled and thanked her. I'm sure Mrs. Jones had never seen him in such a condition. Christian's manners kicked in pouring John a cup of coffee. Then he started talking again after a long slow sip of coffee.
His voice was expressionless. "I'm sure you want me to go on and I guess you're right; I need to talk this out. I went up to the playroom and started to flog myself. If I gave her six lashes of the belt, then certainly I could take eighteen or twenty-four. I whipped myself, and I must admit it hurt like hell, even in my drunken state. Poor Ana, what the fuck did I do to her? How could I drive her away?"
He started to cry; John went and found some tissues. He had never seen Christian cry. With the high glass walls and the sun streaming in, it was rather surreal with Christian's tears; it appeared to be raining indoors.
"I did not hear when Taylor entered. He knew he could be fired for invading my privacy; but, in spite of that, he entered my own private hell-hole. I guess he saw me flogging myself with the belt - the very same belt - I used on my beloved Ana's. My back, I assume, was red with belt marks from the heavy piece of leather. I screamed everytime the belt hit my skin. I vaguely remember screaming something like, 'How could she have endured so much pain without saying a word?'"
"Taylor called out, "Mr. Grey." I did not stop, for there was another crashing blow to the back. I was drunk. Taylor grabbed the belt before I could make contact with my skin again. I think I fell to the floor. The belt buckle wrapped around Taylor's knuckles, breaking the skin. He grabbed me in one motion pulled me to my feet, and walked me out of the Red Room of Pain to the staircase, and then he locked the door, I think. He got me down to my bedroom, leaving blood droplets as a trail that I found this morning. All I could do was stare at the blood. Taylor got me into bed, and then went for an ice pack for my back to take down the swelling. When he placed the ice pack in a towel on my back, I guess I relaxed. I think he stayed with me."
John ate a muffin and then encouraged Christian to continue after several minutes of silence.
"Around five, I woke up in terrible pain – more from the hangover than the throbbing pain in my back. The swelling had gone down. Taylor got another ice pack and some Advil to cut the pain. I asked him what he was doing in my bedroom. I asked if we had been in a fight, for that seemed the logical explanation.
"Taylor told me that he found me upstairs flogging myself with a belt, and he took it from me before I could do anymore damage. The belt buckle had cut his knuckles, and that's why they were all taped up. He thought that I should be in bed so I wouldn't do any more harm to myself. He asked if I was sorry that Miss Steele left me, and then he said, "Who could blame her under the circumstances?" He told me that in the past he never wanted to know what went on in the room upstairs because it was my private business. I hired him to protect me, but he never dreamed he would be protecting me from myself."
Christian looked at John blankly, "What has that woman done to me?"
Dr. Flynn said quietly, "I think the question should be what have you done to her? Do you want her back, or do you want someone else to punish?"
"I think Taylor asked me the same question, and I told him; Yes, I want her back, but how would she come back after what I had done to her. I told Taylor that I knew what I'd done had changed our relationship of employee/employer into something different. It would never be the same. I think he has lost all respect for me."
"John, Taylor told me the same thing you told me, he had seen her with me over the past two weeks and that she was in love with me. He thinks she will come back if I promise never to beat her again. I think Taylor must have been channeling you. Kinky sex was one thing, but to physically abuse a woman was another. The most astounding thing he said was that I was a better man than that. We agreed to call each other by our first names in private. I have to be thankful he was here last night, or I might be having this conversation from a hospital bed."
"Next, I asked for his opinion about what to do with Anastasia…Taylor made a confession - he was sleeping with my housekeeper. Why the fuck would I care who he was sleeping with? But thinking about it, it's probably natural - they spend so much time together. At this moment, I'm actually happy for them...they deserve to be happy. Why can't I find happiness?" As a tear ran down his face as he looked at John.
"Taylor told me to do nothing, just give her time to gain some composure. He reminded me that I'm scheduled to take her to Portland next week for the opening of José's photography show and to call her the night before to make arrangements. Don't beg; just ask if she is still willing to go. He felt that it was most important to keep myself busy, and get some rest. Don't become a stalker; give her time and respect. Then he said another remarkable thing, she would be in my bed before long. That was the end of his advice. Before he left, he did say he never wanted to witness my self-flagellation again. What do you think, dear Dr. Flynn, am I so fucked-up that I'm unredeemable?"
"I am surprised that, in your drunken stupor, you could remember so much detail, but your mind is like that. Taylor is a good man who gave you good advice, but we need to talk. I will ask questions, and you give me your best answers with no bullshit or flights of fancy."
Christian got his shit together, blew his nose and poured both us another cup of coffee, even took a bite of Mrs. Jones' excellent muffin.
Christian turned his square jaw and squared his shoulders, looking deeply with his gray eyes at Dr. Flynn and asked, "What do you want to know?"
Flynn knew this Christian Grey with his determination of a prize fighter and yet a willingness to explore the damage done to his psyche.
"Would you start by telling me what happened the day before yesterday? You were so happy that she was coming back home."
Christian took another sip of coffee and another bite leaning back into the white leather U-shape couch. "I was so happy that she was going to be here, and I really did forget about the "damn contract" as you call it. But as the day wore on with no news about Leila, I became more frightened. It was a fear I'd not known before. Then Anastasia was there in my arms, in the shower, and the penthouse felt like home again. She was mine once again. We went to the Red Room of Pain after dinner and had mind-blowing sex. She went to sleep in my bed, and, around five, she woke to find me at the piano in a melancholy mood. I've tried to keep her away from my dark side, but yesterday morning it came out on her body."
Christian stopped talking, and then looked in John's eyes with bewilderment. John let him be alone with his thoughts for a moment. He could feel Christian's growing agony as all the pain almost contorted his body.
"We talked about punishment, and she played this game with me that, if I could catch her rolling her eyes at me or biting her lower lip, then I could punish her. Both of those actions drive me crazy. Then, out of the blue, she consented to me punishing her. I was so excited my hard-on was pushing against my pants. I took her gleefully, with her permission, to the playroom. Why did I use a belt? A cane would have hurt more, but the belt seemed the right choice for introducing her to punishment. It would be heavy enough to feel the pain without leaving marks. There were six lashes, and I made her count. How I came up with that number I will never know. I didn't know she was crying until the last lash hit her. Then she would not let me touch her and called me a fucked-up son-of-a-bitch. I knew I had lost her in that moment."
Christian started to cry again. His chest was heaving under the weight of what he had done to Anastasia. It was the only time Flynn had touched Christian Grey other than handshakes. He looked up and was deeply lost.
"I found her awhile later after looking all over the house, crying her heart out, and then she said something that blew me away. She told me she had fallen in love with me. I recoiled from her because I'm not worthy of her love. I let her walk away. How could I let her walk out the door? She gave back everything that I had given her. I have no way to communicate with her. Please, how do I make this pain go away? I have never experienced this kind of anguish before." He rubbed his face and knew of nothing else to say.
"You need to see me every day until your anguish goes away or she comes back. Christian, would you beat her again, and why do you think she allowed such a savage beating?"
He took his time answering while he stared into his hands. "John, of course, I would never touch her body again except to worship and adore her. We both know why she allowed it, because she loves me and I told her over and over again this is what I needed to be satisfied."
John couldn't be angry at him since he was in so much pain. "Are you satisfied now, Christian?"
"Yeah, look at the great Christian Grey who has turned into a sniffling toad. The only way I'll ever be satisfied again is if she wants me and comes back. I tried to give myself to her while I was carrying on about all the sub/dom shit. I never thought it was possible to think or feel without it. Yet, I'm feeling right now. Was everything I did just behavior I learned, or am I really that fucked-up? I'm surprised that I'm even discussing this with you. I think, for the first time in my life, I want her more than I want the lifestyle, but how could I have change so fast?"
"Christian, I've been telling you for the last two years that the submissive/dominant relationship was a learned behavior. If you learn it then, you can unlearn it and develop new ways to behave. You have that kind of power. If there were a major problem at Grey Enterprise, you would rise to the occasion and overcome your frightening fears at the moment. You know how to conquer fear for you've done it all your life."
"Will she come back to me?"
"If you give her space and don't go all stalker James Bondage on her."
"My, you use such colorful language, Dr. Flynn," Christian smirked at him.
Flynn could see that Christian had returned from the depths of hell. "We have made progress here, but we need to do more work before you see her again, or you will just implode at the sight of her. Tomorrow we are going to talk about your submissives. This is a critical step in your journey. You have had a major breakthrough. It was a hell of a way to get here, but I assure you, Christian, you have made real progress. Everytime you think of your pain, just concentrate on her pain. You have me; who does she talk to? But she signed a NDA and can't talk to anyone. I'll have Addie call you in the morning with a time I can fit you in. Please come to the appointment, so we can start working for real change."
Christian stood up and stretched, then shook his head like he was shaking off cobwebs. "Thanks, John, I feel lost, but, as you would say, at least, I'm feeling."
They shook hands, and Christian went into the study. Taylor accompanied Flynn down in the elevator, "Should I be worried, Dr. Flynn?" Taylor said.
"Yes, I'm worried about Christian. After speaking with him, I know he'll be okay. I know he is not inclined to suicide. He's very depressed and not accustomed to feelings like he is having now. Does he have the need to leave the house today? Could you get him out of this fortress into some sunshine and fresh air?"
"I'll try. What about poor Anastasia? Should I check up on her?"
"No, I believe she is strong and will find her equilibrium soon. And if you went to check on her, she would think Christian sent you. We have to have faith that they'll find their way back to each other."
Monday, June 4, at 4:30 pm Christian made his way to Dr. Flynn's office. It's a ritual he had done many times, but this time instead of feeling like an errant boy he, felt like a man in desperate need of help. Flynn's office had calming pale green walls that Christian always liked. The furniture was like a men's club - formal and stuffy - with two leather wingback chairs and two formal green couches. The finishing touches to the office were a beautiful Persian style rug over the carpet and throw pillows on the couches to add just a hint of color. The room was large and, at other end, was his desk turned so he could see out of the windows.
Christian sat across from Flynn in one of the wingback chairs. John was well groomed; with his straight nose he looked rather aristocratic. He gave off the air of a gentleman, but with his handsome face and smile, he was very down to earth. Then you add in his shoulder length black hair and dark blue eyes, and you knew he could be a bit of a rogue.
"I sent Anastasia flowers on her first day at her new job."
"What did the card say?"
"Oh, Anastasia, I love you and will take you any way I can get you"
Flynn's mouth literally dropped open. Christian gave him a wicked smile. "No, I congratulated her on first day of work, hoped everything went well. Then I thanked her for the glider and told her it had a place of honor on my desk. No pushy crap. Did I tell you she bought me a model of the glider we flew in Savannah? It was a mother to put together, but I loved the challenge, and it kept me focused on the task at hand; and, if she returns, then I'll be proud to show her. I know this is not what you want to talk about. Fire away."
"I'm glad you're calmer than yesterday - and what a thoughtful thing to do…to send Anastasia flowers. What kind of flowers?"
"White roses for her purity I guess. She…Um"
"Christian, the more you figure out who you are, the easier it will be for you to answer her questions when she returns. So please tell me why you and Elena broke it off. I know this is a hard first question, but it'll help us figure out all the rest."
"You don't fuck around, do you, John?" Christian flashed his anger. "You know that relationship went on for over six years. Sometimes I was with her weekly and sometimes monthly. When I went to college, the time and miles kept us apart mostly for months. After dropping out of Harvard, I thought we would keep up the same sub/dom relationship. I'll never tell Ana this, only you. I just told her Elena's husband found out and that's what broke off the relationship. The truth be told, I'm the one who ended that sick tryst. Elena had used a whip on me over the years. It was my least favorite form of torture. When I walked into her room that day she was whipping it around the room and then made it crack on the floor, just like she had done on my skin dozens of times. I need some water."
John came back with a bottle of water he knew this was going to be difficult for both Christian and himself. Christian gulped down half the bottle.
"Something in me snapped; I wasn't going to be whipped by her or anyone else. I took the whip out of her hand, and then I placed the whip around her hands behind her back. She looked at me in horror. I've never known the kind of rage I felt for her that day. I stripped off her pants and underwear as she became excited. I went to her tool chest and took a ball gag out and forced it into her mouth, none too gently. I shoved her onto the floor with my foot. I commanded her to spread her legs wide apart, like she had told me to do so many times. I don't know if I can tell you what I did next."
John just looked at him with compassion as he drank his water. It took a few minutes for Christian to speak because he was struggling internally.
"I went again to her tool chest, this time grabbing a condom. I took off my clothes and played with myself in front of her until I was hard. She even crawled over to me, rubbing her face on my leg. I watched her eyes light up as I rolled on the condom. I shouted for her to assume the position and she did, like a good submissive. I bit her ass hard on one side and then the other, leaving teeth marks on her behind. Then I did something I have never done since. I fucked her in the ass with no lubrication other than what was on the condom. I could hear her muffled screams as I brutalized her. I…didn't…give…a…shit. It was over very quickly. It was too painful for me as well as her. I pulled out of her, but the condom was still stuck inside. I used my little finger to fish it out, with all the blood that followed. I stood up, shoved her to the floor, not looking at her tear-stained face. I took a shower, got dressed, untied her hands, grabbed her hair and said, "Don't call me, you fucking bitch." I watched her head hit the floor. I took the whip off her wrists and walked out the door. That was the last time I had sex with her. Oh, I forgot to tell you I said if she ever touched me again I would kill her. If you think I was fucked-up before, you know I'm fucked-up now."
He stopped taking.
"Christian, I think that is the most courageous defilement I've ever heard. What you did to her is what she did to you at fifteen, only hers was rape. No wonder it was hard for you to reconcile the abuse you took as a teenager with the abuse you gave her. Christian, I certainly don't condone violence in any way, shape, or form, but your courage to do that to your abuser was admirable."
"Fuck you, Flynn, making that day out to be heroic. I couldn't take another day of the whip. Oh fuck! That is just how Anastasia felt when she walked out the door. Good for her. She has more guts than I ever did. Wow, I didn't expect that kind of light bulb moment, as Oprah would say. Maybe she'll come back if I promise not to hit her, but she likes to get spanked. Is that off limits too?"
"I think you need to ask her. Are you becoming clear on what kind of relationship you want with her?"
"I'd say any relationship she wants, but that is not what you're asking. I want her to love me and, hopefully, I'll be able to tell her those words soon. I want to build a family with her when we're ready. I still want kinky fuckery when she wants it. Why do you think I had all those submissives, just to prove to myself that I could fuck them without hurting them like I had hurt Elena?"
"I think you've answered your own question. You're bright. What happened with your last two subs?"
"After Leila, something ended in me. Not that I wanted a relationship with her, but she easily found someone to replace me, who didn't put demands on her like I did. The next woman who came along barely lasted the three months. She was a school teacher who needed to be spanked. She cared more about the beatings than the sex. One night I couldn't hit her enough, and she left the next day. The last one, Susannah, only lasted a month. I masturbated a lot after she left, and that was two months before Ana. I guess I just couldn't use someone like that again. When Anastasia stumbled into my life, I wanted her in the worst way from the moment I saw her. She was clumsy, awkward, and could look right through me. I pushed her into the whole sub/dom thing because I knew no other way. Now I see that, by having her in the Red Room of Pain, I wasn't giving her a chance to mature. I saw her as willing but, if I kept her for months, dominating my will over her, she would not have the ability to grow and give me pleasure. I want her to touch me, but I'm so petrified. Will she be able to touch me ever?"
"Look what a break through you've had this afternoon. I believe if you want her to touch you, then it will happen. I know you're growing by leaps and bounds, but relax, Christian, and don't push; that is my job."
"I know, John, but this crushing need inside me wants to rush to break down her door, sweep her up into my arms, and then drag her by the hair back to my cave. What is this need inside me?"
"You know what the need, want, yearning is all about. You just don't want to admit to yourself you're in love with her. You should have been in love at fifteen or sixteen, but Elena took it from you. Even Anastasia is bright enough to know that, when you're in love, your emotions take over, and most of your decisions aren't logical. I'll see you at the same time tomorrow. Are you going to rush over and break down her door?"
Christian was grinning from ear to ear, "I would like to, but that would be for my needs, not hers."
"Good, I'll see you tomorrow at 4:30 and be ready to talk about your subs." John gave Christian a wink.
Christian stood up - stretching his 6'1" frame, then licked his lips, and was out the door. He felt better, but missed Anastasia like crazy.
Mrs. Jones had made him a nice grilled salmon steak for dinner; and he thought how much Ana would have loved it. This made him wonder if she was eating. Everywhere he turned the rest of night was someplace she had been. As he worked he listened to the radio when a song by Chris Isaak called, The New Girl from San Francisco Days San Francisco Nights came on. It reminded him of his lost Anastasia. The music was different from his usual type, but he had no usual type. It was homey, hearty, and soul stirring. He downloaded it to his iPod. Each song took him deeper in to his melancholy and, before he went to sleep, he wept for his love. Would she come back to him? He could function in the work world but, in his past, he created his own private world; a world that no one invaded. Now all he wanted was an invasion from Ana.
For his morning workout, he kick boxed with Claude, his personnel trainer, working at a fast pace just to keep his thoughts away from his chestnut-haired beauty. It was heartbreaking for him to be sitting at the breakfast bar without her. He put on a Navy blue suit and went to work. He wanted so badly to stay home, but somehow, without her, it wouldn't be the same. It would be too lonely. How could this all-consuming need for another human being take over his life?
When he entered Flynn's office, he was nervous, rattled, and anxious. His gray eyes were pleading. John looked at him in bewilderment.
"What has changed, Christian?" Flynn pointed for him to take a seat. Christian sat looking at him with hollow eyes.
"I haven't heard from her at all. She didn't thank me for the flowers. I just don't know what to do."
"Christian, you're working yourself up for nothing. If you rush her, it may take longer to be with you. You have been good about giving her space. Don't do anything foolish! What happened last night, when you left here? You were feeling better about yourself."
"Last night, everywhere I looked she had been in the apartment, on the breakfast bar stool, sitting next to me on the piano bench, and mostly in my bed. I could have sworn I smelled her scent, but Mrs. Jones had washed the sheets."
"Christian, I told you today we're going to talk about your subs. Did any of them ever eat at your breakfast bar or sit at your piano or sleep in your bed?"
Christian looked up and was on the verge of tears, "Yes, yes and no. Not one ever slept in my bed. I would never sleep with them in their bed which most found very dissatisfying. My subs it sounds like, was a bad club for wayward women. They ranged in age from twenty-five to thirty-five. I started out with older women because I'd been comfortable with Elena. The first three were really my education on how to treat a submissive. The first one Marge, was a beautiful woman who stayed with me almost a year. She was lean, supple, and could endure more pain than any of my other submissives. She could come on command and only needed my touch to fulfill her. My wealth was growing; but she would never accept a gift of any kind. She as a lawyer in one of the prominent Seattle firms. Come to think of it, I did pay her for legal services once. Anastasia wrote that she felt like a whore when I gave her gifts. I was rude to her and told her to get used to it. Why do all roads lead back to Anastasia?"
John crossed his legs, after having them stretched out for a long time. "Christian, what was the point of having subs?"
"The point was to be able to sex with them, I guess!"
"Was that really the point or is that what you think I want to hear?"
"We both know what the point was so let's not play games. I wanted control over them so they would do as I say. I commanded them not to touch me and so they didn't. I could have them satisfy me at will."
"Did they give you fulfillment?"
"Why are you asking all these stupid questions? They're in my past." He said with increasing agitation.
"You know Anastasia is going to require you to answer these questions one day."
"Why…why would she want to know about all this?"
"Christian, sometimes you are so brilliant and yet, sometimes very dense. She loves you and wants to know the good, the bad and, most of all the ugly. She wants to flood the dark places with light. She wants to understand your need to control her and comprehend why you debase yourself. I didn't have you come in to explain your subs. I frankly know that women are your forte. You can play women like producing beautiful music. My question - is Anastasia's instrument enough for you to make beautiful music on for the rest of your life? Will she be enough?"
"I have done things with her that I have never done with another woman. I love to watch her body work with little beads of sweat appearing before her orgasms. I love to watch as she shatters, her analogy, is Icarus flying too close to the sun? I love to watch her unravel. With other women I would take my need, and they would have to wait to be satisfied. Just thinking about her makes me feels like going to her."
"Were you a virgin when Elena took you?"
Christian's anger rose from some place deep within him. "Where the fuck did that come from, John?"
"You told me about the end of your relationship; now I want to go to the beginning. Were you a virgin," he said slowly, calmly, and enunciating.
Christian stood up, went to the little fridge and got a bottle of water. John thought it was more of a stalling ploy than needing water but he waited patiently for him to start talking.
"I'd been fighting with other boys for months and had been kicked out of two schools when in the summer of my fifteenth birthday, Elena came into my view. I had not had sex, other than playing with myself, so yes, I was a virgin. At first, I thought I was in love with her, being my first time but the more she got into discipline the less it was about sex and the more it was about control. I mean, in the end, she would always fuck me but she always told me it was about discipline and self-control."
Christian started to cry. "I did the same thing to Anastasia." He wiped his eyes. "I think I'm one fucked-up son-of-a-bitch. I took the most precious gift from her and called it a situation. Oh…am I no better than Elena?"
"Christian, we do what we know. You'd never been confronted with a sexually inexperienced woman before. She had enough lust and want in her to give up her virginity freely. I don't think you did at fifteen. You were happy to be fucking, boys think with their penises, but young women think with their hearts. That is why you dispensed with her virginity without a second thought, you were thinking with your penis instead of your heart. Do you have a little inkling of what she gave to you and what Elena took from you? Do you possibly understand that, when Anastasia left, she felt like such a failure, for she could not give you what you needed? And do you now understand that, the last time you were with Elena, your humiliation and shame were gone and you left triumphantly? It was not rape, Christian. It was certainly not love, but it was victory over evil."
"We have never talked about Elena being evil, why now?"
"Because for the first time, you understand or are starting to understand, that what Elena did to you was wrong. Her twisted and controlling ways led you down a dark path. You controlled others as you were controlled. Now there is this lovely young woman who wants you for who you are and can see through all of your bullshit. Anastasia wants what is good in you, and Elena only wanted to drag you down into her evil underworld. Elena may have possibly fallen in love with you when you took control. Soon you're going to have to make a choice between the two women."
Christian looked enraged. "I have already made that choice. Elena is no longer in my life."
"That is not true, Christian; you only had dinner with her a week ago and you're still business partners with her. How are you going to feel when Anastasia wants you to sever all ties with Elena?"
"Why would she ask me to do that?" He looked confused.
"Because she believes Elena is a pedophile who still exerts control over you."
"How could she think that? I don't have a sexual relationship with her anymore, we're just friends."
"Christian, you're still thinking with your penis instead of your brain. Elena is evil incarnate to Anastasia. The way she probably sees it, you wouldn't be this screwed up if Elena hadn't gotten her claws into you when you were a young boy."
Christian was pulling on his copper hair trying to defend the indefensible. "I don't know what to say. I still can't wrap my head around what Elena did to me and what I did to Anastasia."
"One last question and I'll let you go back to your wallowing. Did you have feelings of lust for Anastasia when you dispensed of her virginity?"
Christian leaned into the couch thinking. "If wanting her is an emotion, then I had very strong feelings for her. I was in Clayton's Hardware Store where she worked and I could barely keep my hands or lips off of her. Lust is a new word. Fucking and sex are both words I understand, but lust must go along with the longing that I have for her now. If beating her and making her leave have gotten me to the point to understand that I'm a contradiction of emotions, then I have to say it is worth it. I want her on her terms. I want her if it means I'll never have kinky fuckery again. Now you tell me how fucked-up that is."
"I don't think it's fucked-up at all. The last two days you have grown. You seem to understand that mistakes happen, and you can go forward. Anastasia is, and will continue to be, your salvation. Just don't push her; if you need me, I'm free the same time tomorrow, I'm going home and have a good stiff drink for, as usual, you have worn me out. Good night, Christian."
Christian gave him the same bewildered look he had walked in with but he at least felt that calm was replacing the turmoil inside.
Christian went back to his fortress in the sky, only to find no emails from Ana. He found no comfort or joy from Mrs. Jones' cooking; it was not even satisfying to him. By ten he was sitting on the bed in deep thought. It was the very bed where he had stolen Anastasia's virginity. He told her that he was going to rectify the situation. She never thought of her virginity as a situation. Had she? That night, their first night together, he told her to forget about the rules and then he begged her stay. Christian was out of his head crazy in love with her. Why in God's sake did he push that damn contract?
It was only ten o'clock; Christian's day never ended this early. Christian wanted to lie where she had been and he wanted to feel her there. He was not a monster and he didn't force her. She really did want him. He started to cry, turned off the light, pulled up the covers, and cried himself to sleep. Before dawn he woke screaming from a full-blown nightmare. He was a lost little boy and no one came for him. He was paralyzed in his bed. He longed for his life back with Ana. How could he have gone from a tormented child to a tormented teenager to a tormentor as an adult? He managed to fall back to sleep until eight, which was later than he wanted. Today was the day he was going to connect with Ana and hoped it wouldn't be met with overwhelming rejection. Could he take any more pain since he was already unraveling at the seams of his well-constructed life? How and where did Ana fit in?
June 8th at four-thirty Christian marched into Dr. Flynn's office. Christian had pulled himself together back to being his old self, but that was not quite right; for in that moment, he realized that he had changed forever.
"How are you doing Christian? You look different. Do you want to tell me why?"
"People think I'm such a beautiful man and that I could charm my way into the boardroom with such ease that no one suspected the dark torment that has ruled my life. I've controlled my image and have refined it as a formidable business man so well that no one (except Anastasia) has a hint of how well I could control my life, especially my sex life. I learned from Elena to be a submissive, to control my emotions - then I graduated to become dominant to control my sexual urges. Even though I would never consider using a prostitute, I did pay subs in the beginning; I have prostituted my submissives each time I used them. You know John, how carefully I have protected myself legally and physically so that there were never any surprises to contend with. I'd crafted my life and image into an impenetrable armor until a young woman wearing Walmart clothes stumbled into my office. From that moment, my life has changed."
There were no tears in his eyes as he looked at John. "What happened last night?"
"I cried myself to sleep that has never happened. Why can't I turn off the water works?"
"These tears are from the years you should have cried as a child and teenager. You bottled them up and forced yourself to keep them. Well, the dam has broken. You cry for Ana and for all of your pain from past years. Do you feel better?"
"Yes and no. I feel weak and vulnerable and confused. How can I put together multi-million dollar deals and be so frightened to send an email to this young woman? I was so afraid of her rejection. So when I did email her, I kept it short and professional. She will allow me to take her to her friend's gallery opening – this is the guy who got her drunk and tried to molest her. Now what? How do I act? How do I keep my hands off her and what do I say? I can't tell her about all this; it would be too overwhelming and she might feel I was laying a guilt trip on her. I want her back."
"Christian, think of it as a business situation turn on your business charm. Be positive and upbeat but, most of all, let your light shine through. You have come to some new realizations about your life and it is now you have to put them into practice. I think the most telling thing you said is that you prostituted your subs. Tell me why."
"John, that is easy; I never let them be who they were - only who I wanted them to be. I would bestow lavish gifts on them as a form of payment. I have even put one through medical school, while others; I've helped out with loans. Surprisingly, they have all paid me back. But I never let them know…me. They only knew the man who would snap his fingers and have them kneel for hours in only their panties until I was ready to use and/or beat them. What kind of cruel fucked-up person am I?"
"I think you need to change the last sentence to what kind of cruel fucked-up person were you. Would you take on another sub if Anastasia never came back?"
Christian's face turned into pure unadulterated panic. "Is she not coming back?" (He calmed himself.) "To answer your question, NO; if Anastasia did not want me, I would not crawl back into the darkness. I want someone; hopefully Ana, to care for me, touch me, and calm me down. I never knew I could be capable of lust, longing, and desire other than sexual. I still have many sessions to work out my feelings but I'm willing to become the man Anastasia wants and the man I need to be."
"Don't you think you will want to beat her when she crosses some invisible line or defies you?"
"Yes, I'm sure all those emotions are still there but I've learned to control my urges. When an asshole business man wants to screw my company, I can control myself not to beat the shit out of him. For years I gave credit to Elena for beating the shit out of me, thinking that she helped me control myself. Now I realize that kindness from someone might have done the same thing. Anastasia was right when she said Elena hurt me instead of helped me."
Christian stood up, took off his suit coat and tie, and went to the fridge for water - even asking John if he wanted one. John declined and noticed how Christian walked like a jungle cat, with grace and his sex oozing from ever pore. He was a beautiful man. This was the man Anastasia saw the first day they met. She was probably very contained, thinking Christian would pounce on her at any moment.
"What are you going to say to her when she enters your car tomorrow?"
"Well, I can't just pounce on her and take her in the backseat."
John just smiled at Christian like he was enjoying his own personal joke.
"What is so funny, John? I'm glad you're laughing at me."
"You have such grace, Christian, something I've failed to notice. In fact, I thought of you as a jungle cat ready to pounce."
Christian smiled his 1000-megawatt smile. "Today I feel like a wild beast stalking my prey. I can feel Ana's blood warming as we speak. I think if she hadn't left me I wouldn't feel this way. Not that I even have her back yet, but her leaving me has given me the opportunity to grow. How is that possible?"
"Christian, only the most overbearing pain could force you to think about your life. You grew into a man basically without emotions. Ana came along and gave herself to you with open arms and an open heart. You had no choice but to feel. I am curious about how you felt after you beat her and then she told you that she loved you. I don't want your usual rhetoric about being unlovable. I want your feelings."
"Christ, John, what do you want? Blood? I felt so ashamed for this young woman who had the guts to tell me she loved me after I painfully hurt and humiliated her. Where in all the pain I inflicted on her could she find the words?"
"I suspect that she was more concerned about you than her own well being. She may have thought she was never going to see you again and wanted you to know. Anastasia even expressed concern over not being able to fulfill your needs with the sub/dom contract. Will you reassure her that she is enough for you?"
Christian had tears in his eyes "If I could change that night, I would, but I can't. I'll just have to prove to her every day we're together that she makes me feel complete. Now I need to bring up the elephant in the room, Leila. Do you think she is dangerous?"
"I still believe she is only dangerous to herself. Your man, Welsh, seems determined to find her. I know you want to help, Christian, but let's concentrate on one woman at a time."
For the first time in the session, Christian was running his hands through his beautiful hair.
"What do you want from tomorrow night?"
"I want to be with her without arguments or scenes. I want to make her feel safe and reassured. I don't think sex is a good idea until she feels safe with me. And I will not push her," he shouted.
"What about the damn contract?" John shouted back.
"What damn contract? I want her without rules, restrictions, or any other damn device that may cheapen the relationship; I want to be with her. How about that?" he said smirkingly.
"If you were a woman, I would say you have come a long way, baby, but for you, I would say, keep up the good bowling. Send me an email about tomorrow night or I'll save Friday at the same time. I'm here when you need me, Christian, as your doctor, friend, and mentor. I must say I'm extremely proud of you. You're becoming the man I always wanted to know."
Christian stood up grabbed his coat and tie, shook Dr. Flynn's hand, "Why do you always bring up Cricket when you are passing out complements?" and walked out with a smile on his face.
He walked back to the penthouse. He got the news as the elevator opened that someone had spotted Leila on the street following him home. Christian thought he had been pretty vigilant walking home but he was consumed by thoughts of Ana. He worked until one and went to bed. As he crawled into bed, he could almost feel Anastasia's arms around him. He slept without dreams until six.