There existed a feeling of desire I could not explore - a sad want which could never be fulfilled. She walked along, around, me and flaunted the attributes which made her so terribly desirable - a forbidden fruit I knew not to touch. But nevertheless, I could not refuse the emotions of admiring her everything - her perfectly flawed perfection - if that makes any sense. I am a Commander, a glamorous title which shines like the numerous heroic badges I place on my mantle, but it has neither stripped me of my humanity nor made my desires any less easier to ignore. I am Commander Shepard and I think I may be falling for my second-in-command, Miranda Lawson.
Miranda directed the same icy stare which never failed to bring shivers down my poor spine at me and I froze in my seat across from her, but hid my reaction by crossing my arms across my chest and leaned back - a trademark pose of mine. I gave her no inch through my barrier and I returned the same static expression on my face. She was behind her desk like always, typing away on her computer which glowed an orange hue and reflected serenely across her pretty features. I gazed in awe for a couple of seconds as she directed her eyes back to her holographic screen and there was a twitch of annoyance at the edge of her lips as she continued to type. Her eyes returned to me and I caught sight of the loveliest shade of brilliantly blue irises. I couldn't believe the impact of a simple gaze, but then Miranda was far from simple - she was brilliant.
I stared lost in my thoughts and she must have noticed me daydreaming for she said, "Shepard, what do you think?"
I blinked dumbly and her expression grew impatient while she leaned forward in anticipation, her hands clasped before her face - a look of aged wisdom shining from her eyes which looked intriguing on such a beautiful face. Her eyes reflected a far-off knowledge I simply could not touch - a certain knowing uniquely her own, but I could not resist wanting to brush upon such alluring rarity.
She rubbed her shoulder with her right hand and I followed with my eyes. She sighed exasperatedly and my ears perked up from the sound of her breath exhaling from full lips. I squirmed in my seat, but kept my composure.
"I think we should wake the krogan," I finally confidently answered and stared unwaveringly into Miranda's steely gaze.
"I don't think it wise, but you are the Commander," Miranda said, slightly begrudgingly. "If you want to risk the repercussions, then that is your decision," she finished, and I almost changed my mind completely from hearing the vague worry laced in her voice. Miranda's tone had always been commanding and sure, but after hearing the shift of slight fear in her voice, it nearly swayed my decision, almost.
I got up from the seat across from her and saw her eyes flicker at my movement, but they remained focused on the screen in front of her. Her elegant fingers were busily typing once more and she acted as if she didn't see me.
"I should go and leave you to your work," I said, and tried to hide the pain resonating in my voice. It was becoming more difficult with each passing day to hide the sorrow I felt from becoming entrapped in this unrequited love. I sometimes hoped Miranda would notice some of the clues of my one-sided crush like the longing in my eyes or the shift in my body whenever she would stand close to me or when our eyes would connect and my heart would stop. At times, I was so obvious I was amazed she hadn't noticed my feelings for her. But here she was once more, oblivious and not even acknowledging the change in my demeanor.
"Of course, Commander," was all she said and I walked out of her office, not wanting to turn back to glance at her once more because I was afraid I might never leave her vicinity if I did.
The aroma of Miranda's clean, crisp scent ceased to swirl around my head as soon as the doors hissed shut behind me. Some of the crew were dining and chatting amongst themselves in the common area as usual and I ducked my head down towards the collar of my shirt to hide the pool of tears in my eyes as I walked towards the elevator. I fiercely clenched my fist as I cursed myself for losing my composure during such a critical time. I am Commander Shepard. I am not weak and should not cry over a woman just because she does not love me back. My footsteps clomped towards the elevator as I practically ran towards it. I felt eyes on me, but I did not dare look up for fear of the fresh tears streaming down my face would be seen.
I calmed myself down in the serene solitude of the elevator and swiftly cleaned my face up with the sleeves of my sweater. I took deep breaths and exhaled. I had an important mission to do, and now was not the time to let silly, selfish emotions get in the way of thinking clearly. The elevator stopped and opened its doors to the engine room where the familiar creaks and banging of the Normandy's main engine resonated from the walls. The noise was comforting because of the many long hours I'd spent in the solitary space where the cargo was held, which was now occupied by a frozen krogan baby.
I made my way to the room and was greeted with a sight of the looming tank where inside, the krogan's eyes stared enigmatically into space even though I stood directly in front of its line of vision. My nose was nearly pressed against the tank as I observed the krogan's stature - much smaller than any other krogan I've seen, but if Okeer claimed the krogan was "perfect" then I simply could not pass on the opportunity for the perfect krogan to join my team. Just then, EDI's voice rang seemingly from nowhere and questioned my choice. I stood my ground and went ahead and opened the tank despite her words of warning.
"I can't believe you actually went through with it," Miranda shook her head in disbelief. We ran into each other as I was on my way to see Garrus. She told me she felt a slight rumble earlier coming from the engine room and assumed the worst. My heart couldn't help but feel a slight swell of happiness after hearing the concern in her voice. I wondered if her concern was for me or simply for the mission's outcome and the way I nearly sabotaged the whole operation.
"The krogan, whose name is now Grunt, simply slammed me against some cargo," I said simply, and Miranda gave me an exasperated expression - I loved teasing her whenever I could.
"You could have seriously been hurt," she said, and my heart stopped. I started to smile when I started to realize her concern was for me, but then she said, "We will need you to finish this mission."
My heart dropped to my stomach and I felt the same deflated hopelessness barrage me once more. Miranda only cared about the mission and nothing else - no personal attachment or feelings towards me, and I don't know if I would be able to bear that fact any longer.
I gave her a small smile despite the sadness overwhelming me and Miranda looked at me curiously for a moment. "I'll make sure to live long enough to get this mission done successfully," I assured her and never allowed my smile falter. She analyzed my face and wondered if I was simply teasing again, but the seriousness reflected in my eyes brought a short-lived smirk onto her face - it was a curled smile which curved the edge of her lips and I couldn't stand the sight any longer so I turned my head away towards Dr. Chakwas' office. I was acting strange again, I knew this, but Miranda must have guessed I had always had these off-beat quirks.
"You can never be serious can you?" Miranda said, and I had no choice but to look at her again and gaze helplessly at a woman I was standing so close to but could not belong to. Her eyes had a slight shine of humor in them as she shifted her weight to the right which emphasized her curves even further with her slanted posture.
I caught myself staring and covered myself by quickly saying, "Well you, Miranda Lawson, can never not be serious can you?" I threw back at her and she seemed taken aback.
"I'm just doing my job, Shepard. This is not a time for fun," Miranda said as if common knowledge and all hints of humor gone from her eyes. She looked away and seemed far away in her own thoughts for a moment.
"But it doesn't mean we can't enjoy life sometimes, especially if there is a large chance that we may you know… die?" I responded, and Miranda appeared to stiffen from the brevity of my words.
"I suppose you're right," she softly whispered, and I waited for her to speak further, but she didn't. The tension around us grew heavy and I heard myself breathing over the silence. I opened my mouth to speak, but she had already bid me goodbye and was already halfway towards her office. I stood alone and couldn't find the energy to move my legs until Garrus came out of the main battery room (he rarely does) and approached me.
"Hello Shepard," he greeted me and I retuned his greeting with obvious distress ringing in my voice. "Something wrong, Shepard?" he questioned, and I stared at his illuminated visor while I contemplated telling him my situation. I decided not to and lied.
"I'm just a little tired is all," I answered and gave him a small grin.
"Ah, get some rest Shepard, you look like you need it," he said.
"Thanks?" I replied, and he laughed. I laughed too, but it felt hollow and sounded far away from my own ears. I decided to take Garus' advice and headed back to my quarters for some much needed down time.
Without realizing it, I had slept and was dreaming of the one thing I wanted more than anything, more than being a heroine, and more than defeating the Reapers as selfish as that sounds. I was dreaming of Miranda and she was sitting beside me on the couch in her room. We were both silently staring out of her window into the beautiful view of deep space where twinkling stars sprinkled the endless black canvas. I felt her warmth permeate my skin and warm the coldness of my body and I felt content and… happy. It all felt so real. I must have wanted it to be so badly, my imagination gave me the gift of experiencing such an indulgent fantasy, but even though I was seeing and feeling the things I always wanted, in the back of my mind, there existed the daunting sad knowledge that it was not reality - only a dream. She did not say anything in my dream, but I could still feel the passion of the moment albeit it was so simple and innocent, almost juvenile. She squeezed my hand and I turned to kiss the top of her head. My mouth moved to speak and I could not hear what I was saying, but from the way my lips moved I was saying, I love you.
I awoke with a start and found myself clutching the bed sheets beside me where the empty space and a vacant pillow laid. I stared at the empty spot and felt a terrible sorrow course through me. I touched the spot and prayed for company to simply comfort me during nights like this. I wanted someone to hold so I knew I was not alone in such darkness. I wanted Miranda. I wanted her to lay beside me and warm the barren area I could not bear to look at any longer for it constantly reminded me I was alone. I rolled over towards the middle of the bed and splayed my arms out and then rubbed at my eyes to clear away the fogginess clouding my vision. I lazily swung my legs over the bed and cupped my hands over my face. I felt myself slowly falling apart over these suppressed feelings and hated myself for it and how weak it made me feel. I walked tiredly to the aquarium and watched as the various colorful fishes swam mindlessly around and over each other. Occasionally, they would look in my direction, but their eyes were never aware of my presence for more than a second. They would turn their attention to the next thing, never focusing on one particular target for very long. I thought of Miranda and how she was just like my fish - always there beside me, but never really seeing me. I smiled at the thought of Miranda being a fish and tapped my finger against the glass to command their attention, and one or two would look, but once more, they'd turn their glassy eyes away from me. I sighed and pressed my forehead against the cold glass. My breath fogged its surface and I meditated to the sound of the bubbled gurgling throughout the aquarium. The blue glow brought forth a calm and I reveled in the serenity, a moment of peace away from everything. I was quite thankful for the aquarium installed in my room.
"Enough! Stand down, both of you!" I cried out when I arrived at the scene of Miranda and Jack's argument. A chair Jack had levitated with her biotic powers nearly collided into Miranda, but she easily dodged the attack. I inwardly sighed at the situation I had to face and dreaded mediating between two impossibly stubborn individuals.
"The cheerleader won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!" Jack said through gritted teeth as she encroached threateningly towards Miranda.
"It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly you were a mistake," Miranda said in a snide manner and caused Jack to whip around and point a finger inches away from Miranda's face.
"Screw you!" Jack childishly rebutted. "You've got no idea what they put me through! Maybe it's time I showed you!"
I froze and tensed my muscles. I hoped things wouldn't need to resort to violence, but if it did, I was ready to protect Miranda or vice versa of course. I stepped in quickly before anything physical could happen and said without thinking, "When you agreed to work for me, you agreed to be part of a Cerberus mission," I directed towards Jack.
Jack spun around in frustration. "You're both assholes. You want me to fight for you, fine. You want anything more, go fuck yourself!" With a flourish of her biotics, Jack stomped away in a huff without another curse word. I was relieved for her departure, but felt guilty for siding with Miranda when I promised myself there would be no favoritism onboard the ship, but clearly it was exactly what I was doing.
"Thank you," Miranda softly said, and I turned to her. "Sorry about that… I hope she doesn't cause us any more trouble than she's worth," was all she said with a tinge of guilt in her voice. She returned to her desk to sit back down and immediately started busying herself with her work. I decided to leave her be and let her mull over her own thoughts. I knew I had to patch things back up with Jack if I wanted her loyalty for the mission. The doors hissed shut behind me and Miranda and I were separated once more.