So, last night, after reading Pride and Prejudice again (one of my favourite novels) I had a really weird Jane Austen / Mighty Boosh crossover dream and thought it might be fun to write it down. And then it started getting long. And then the characters decided to do their own thing entirely.
So, sorry this might be a long one, and sickeningly sweet to boot. Most of the female characters are played by either Sue Denim or Dee Plume and there are a few cameos by other characters too. Hope you like it. Reviews are a happier sight than Mr Darcy striding across the moors.
Rating: K I think, pretty tame.
Disclaimer: If I could actually write like Jane Austen, or Noel Fielding and Julian Barrat for that matter, I would be a very different person indeed. None of this is mine, except the silly and cringeworthy bits.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Well... generally this is true. But, from time to time, the gentlemen in question have ideas of their own and when they do, remarkable things happen.
In a charming little house that was surrounded by elms lived one such young man, the second child of a Mr and Mrs Bennet. His name was Vince, a most unique young man with fabulous hair, and on this particular day he was sat, with his four sisters around him, on the stairs outside his father's study, listening intently to Mrs Bennet's excited ramblings.
"But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know they visit no new comers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him, if you do not."
"You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his marrying which ever of the children he chooses; I will even throw in a good word for Vince, if you like."
At those words the two youngest sisters, Lydia and Kitty, burst into a fit of giggles and even Jane, the eldest, smiled. Mary, the middle and most serious of the sisters simply scowled at not being able to hear the rest of their parents' conversation and Vince shrugged at her, his own grin pulling at his lips. There was no helping their sisters and for the most part, he was happy to let them go about their vapid lives and get on with his own.
Most men might have considered being the only boy among four sisters to be something of a trial but growing up Vince had rarely resented his position in life. Having four sisters and an indulgent mother meant that Vince had learnt to draw a pattern and sew, to paint a landscape and play music and to dance more elegantly than most young men in the country. If he had been a girl he would have been considered accomplished but, as a boy he was considered as something of an oddity. All the women of the town adored him for his ready smile, quick wit and well tailored clothes, but most of the men regarded him with suspicion. It was probably the hair, Vince mused to himself. Most men in the area just didn't have hair as brilliant as his. They either wore it short or tied it back in a ludicrous ribbon. Vince wore his long, almost to his shoulders and never made any attempt to hide it or tidy it away. As his mother had told him, 'When God blesses you with a gift like that you don't hide it away in shame. That would be sacrilege surely'.
It did mean that outside of his family Vince had few friends, Charlotte Lucas being the one exception. They had been friends from childhood and he knew that people were starting to wonder when Vince would propose. The idea made Vince grimace. He loved Charlotte dearly but she was like a fifth sister to him. The thought of marrying her, of doing what they would have to do to make children together... it all made Vince feel a little ill.
Couldn't a man just be friends with a woman without it having to end in marriage? He knew that his feelings weren't normal and that eventually he would have to marry to preserve the family name or else face public humiliation and probably be disowned by his parents. They accepted that he had rather eccentric tastes in clothes and used the silk dress fabrics to make his coats and waistcoats, but they still probably expected him to end up with a woman. Even if his father did make jokes about giving Vince away to a rich gentleman.
"Shush!" Jane whispered loudly, jolting Vince out of his melancholy musings. She pointed at the closed study door and the five siblings leant forward as they tried to listen in on the rest of the conversation.
"You simply must visit them, Mr Bennet. Think of my nerves. Think of your daughters! And I hear he has a sister, who I am sure will swoon for Vince the moment she sees him, as all the girls do. Mr Bennet, are you even listening? Upon my word, you do not even care! Oh, but you make me tired of the very thought of Mr Bingley. If we are not to know him, how shall I ever hold my head high in church? We are to be shunned by all good company and he shan't even know us to look at come the next ball. Oh, I am sick of Mr Bingley!" cried Mrs Bennet.
"I am sorry to hear that; but why did you not tell me so before?" their father replied slowly. "If I had known this morning I certainly would not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."
The shriek of astonishment that came through the closed door made the five young Bennets jump and Lydia and Kitty burst into another round of noisy giggles. Mary stood and stomped off toward the library, muttering about the uselessness of listening at doors in a family as shallow as this one and Jane leant in to rest her head on Vince's shoulder.
"When is the next ball to be held, Vince?" she asked in her soft voice.
"Next Friday, Jane," he replied, sighing. "Which means we shall only have to put up with Mother's panic about Mr Bingley for nine days but also means that we only have nine days to create for ourselves entirely new outfits."
Jane chuckled quietly. She was not as fussed as her brother over being the best dressed at every social occasion but, Vince noted, when you were as pretty as Jane you didn't have to worry about what you wore, everyone would be looking at you with adoration anyway. If only he'd been born a girl. Then he could be like his older sister, and receive attention from the gentlemen and officers. Instead of the officers simply assuming that he was just the odd, ugly sister who insisted on wearing trousers. Maybe he should wear a dress to the ball, see if that made any difference?