Pein sighed deeply and rubbed his temples. This was not good
He stared down at the piece of paper in front of him and shook his head. Madara observed this with a quirked eyebrow.
"What's up?" he asked after Pein sighed once again and ran a hand down his face.
"The government has taken away all funding for our program," Pein replied sullenly.
Madara looked shocked, "What? We need that money! Besides, what are they going to do without us? We're this country's guard dogs. We're the only reason there's peace, they can't just cut our funding!"
"Relax," said Pein dryly, "That's not the bad part."
Madara looked incredulous, "What could possibly be worse?"
"See, it says here that they're concerned about our image-"
Madara snorted, "We're assassins. They hire us to neutralize enemies of the state. What exactly are we supposed to do about our image?"
"As I was saying, they're concerned about our image and-"
"Those bastards. We're the one's doing the dirty work! We're protecting them! We allow them to sleep soundly at night. How dare they criticize us?"
"If you'll let me finish, Madara," Pein said coldly, glaring at his best friend.
Madara took the cue and fell silent.
"Now, they're concerned about our image and they say they'll give us back our funding once we make it more…publicly friendly. The idea is that we…volunteer."
"What?" Madara asked, shocked out of silence, "They want us to do what?"
"Volunteer. You know, charity work. They've given us a list of places and we've each been assigned as groups of two to one."
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Madara replied weakly, "They can't seriously expect us to do community service."
Pein shrugged, "Apparently, they do. Lucky for us, we got paired together. We'll be working at a homeless shelter."
Madara shuddered.
"Come on. It's not that bad. We've only got to do twenty hours. Even you can serve soup that long," Pein chided him.
"Hrmph," the Uchiha grumbled, crossing his arms.
Pein sighed once again.
"Come on. Let's go tell everyone else."
There was a stunned silence in the Akatsuki headquarters living room following their leader's pronouncement. Even Hidan was at a loss for words.
"We…what?" asked Deidara after a significant amount of time.
"We have to do community service," Pein said smoothly, glancing at the blonde.
"Ah," Deidara replied, "And what's my assignment, yeah?"
Pein checked the list in his hand.
"You and Hidan are to spend twenty hours serving the children of Bright and Sonny Daycare."
"You're not fucking serious," Hidan scoffed, "One – I am not working with that lame-ass excuse for a man and, two – I am not working at a place called Bright and Sonny. Period."
"Actually, you are," growled Madara from the corner, his arms once again crossed over his broad chest, "And you're gonna do a damn good job."
Pein sighed again. If all of this didn't end soon, people were going to think he was incredibly angsty, what with his sighing every five minutes.
"Right. The rest of the assignments are as follows: Itachi and Sasori – Sunnyville Retirement Center, Kakuzu and Zetsu – Sunny Side Hospital, Kisame and Konan – Camp Sunshine for Bereaved Children. Any questions?"
"Yeah," piped up Hidan, "Why the fuck is everything here named sunny-something-or-other? This is, like, the least sunny place on the planet."
In response to this, everyone turned and looked out the window at the vicious storm raging outside. Then, just as smoothly, everyone turned to look at Pein.
He shrugged, "I like rain."
Hidan rolled his eyes, "Whatever. When do we start this fucking pointless task?"
"Tomorrow."
"Oh, joy," he replied sarcastically, "Now I'm super fucking excited to get up in the morning."
"You might want to work on your language if you're going to be working with small children," Itachi said quietly.
"Fuck off, you pansy," Hidan glowered.
"Everyone, shut up," said Pein irritably, "I know this is not exactly the sort of thing we enjoy doing, but we need to do it if we want to get back our government funding. And we need that funding. Besides, it's only for two hours a day and we get the weekends off. It won't be that bad."
"Says you, but you're not partnered with Mr. Ambivalent , over here," Hidan snarled, gesturing to Deidara, who frowned at him.
"What's that supposed to mean, un?"
"Well, I want to say you're a dude, but then you look like a fucking chick, so, who knows?" Hidan replied nastily.
"Break it up, you two," Pein said tiredly, "I can see you'll work well together. Those children are in for a treat."
Hidan glared at him and opened his mouth to say something rude, but Kisame cut him off, "It might be fun."
"Yes, there we go. That's the right attitude," Pein said approvingly, smiling warmly at the shark-man, "We don't have a choice, so we might as well do it with a generous spirit."
Hidan couldn't take anymore and, so, stood up and stalked off.
Pein sighed again. This was not good.