Yes, I am still alive on fanfiction. I just haven't been writing for the past year because no inspiration would come to me. I just recently read Thirteen Reasons Why. It's a good book and I highly recommend it. It somewhat inspired the theme of this story. This story was created at 2 AM, a time when I tend to be very productive.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all it's characters and events and all those things associated with it belong to J.K. Rowling. The song Self Conclusion which was a huge source of inspiration for this story belongs to The Spill Canvas. The title is a quote from the book Thirteen Reasons Why which belongs to Jay Asher. No Profit was made from this story.
Warning: themes of suicide
Set in 6th year.
He stares at the letter he's just written. A letter that will never be sent. One that will probably be found tomorrow morning when it's too late. He places it on his bed. Someone will think to look here after they find him on the grounds.
He takes one last look around his dormitory. The cold dark walls which have been his dwelling for the past 6 years. His snoring housemates. His "friends".
'Stop being such a Hufflepuff,' he tells himself.
He walks almost mechanically, his unlit wand in his hand, out into the common room. For once there's no one around. Perhaps it's because it's the dead of the night and even Slytherins need their sleep.
He lights his wand only once he's in the corridors. The little light it gives is blinding in the pitch dark halls. He walks steadily, without falter in his steps even if he knows what going this way will lead him to do. What he came to do.
He looks ahead and sees two small glowing eyes. Of course he'd be lucky enough to meet Mrs. Norris along the way. Perhaps he should just kill the cat now. It's not as if Filch will be able to avenge her when he's gone. As he contemplates it she disappears. Off to get Filch, he supposes.
He speeds up in his walk, putting out the light from his wand. He doesn't need it, not really. He's memorized this path by heart by now. It's not the first time he's gone there, but this time it will be the last.
'Stop being so morbid,' he thinks.
When he finally gets to the top of the Astronomy tower he's surprised to see a figure already there. At first he thinks it's Filch, but another glance tells him it's a girl. A girl with a huge mass of hair. Granger. Just his luck.
She's staring out over the edge of the tower into the forbidden forest. What she sees there or why she's even here in the first place is meaningless to him. All he knows is that she's in his way.
"Listen here, Granger. I don't care why you're here but unless you plan to be able to see thestrals by tomorrow, you'll leave now," he says.
"Excuse me?" she replies in disbelief, turning around upon recognizing his voice.
"You heard me. I'm not going to repeat what I said so either you leave now or get out of my way."
"Do you know what you're saying?" she asks, not moving from where she stands.
"With every fiber of my being."
"I don't believe you."
"Believe it, Granger. Unless you'd rather see it first," he counters.
"What, no 'mudblood' tonight, Malfoy?" she asks suddenly sounding weary.
He moves toward her slowly until her back is to the edge and he's barely a meter away. He can just barely make out the ground in front of the forest from where he stands.
"What is it to you?" he replies.
She just glares. He moves forward again. She moves to her left, her back no longer to the edge. He smirks.
"I'm giving you one last chance to leave or tomorrow you'll be seeing thestrals in the forest when Filch catches you and gives you detention."
"Excuse me?" she repeats.
"You know what I said."
"Yes, and I was wondering if you knew what you just said."
"Getting repetitive now, are we, Granger? Well, see you in hell," he says climbing on to the wall that keeps people from falling off the tower.
"Wait!" she screams, grabbing hold of his right arm and pulling him toward the side of the floor.
"Really, Granger, I thought you would be honored to push me off yourself," he scoffs.
"I'm not a monster, Malfoy. I don't watch people kill themselves, especially when I can do something about it," she says not letting go of his arm.
"Too late. I've made my decision. Who are you to tell me otherwise? You don't even know what I've been through. Your innocent little mind can't even begin to fathom the things I've seen, the things I've done, the things I'm supposed to do. You think you're saving me by not letting me jump but you're not. You're only making things worse. For both me and your so called light."
"And you think my life is all rainbows and smiles, do you? Let me tell you something, Malfoy. It's not. I've seen some pretty bad things and yet I'm still here. I haven't offed myself. You think killing yourself will solve everything but it won't. It will only make things worse."
"Even if things get worse, at least I won't be around to experience it," he tells her, not moving.
"That's the cowardly way out, Malfoy."
"We can't all be brave and mighty goody-goody Gryfindors."
"It was never said that Slytherins were cowards. Killing yourself isn't brave. You're stronger than that, Malfoy," she replies.
"How would you know? You don't know anything about me, Granger. So don't pretend that you do," he spits out.
"I may not know you as well as your friends do but I know how you feel right now. You feel like you're alone against everyone. It feels like the only way out is to just get out for good. You think no one will miss you anyway. You put up a hard exterior do no one sees that inside you're breaking. That you're not as strong as the facade you hide behind. It seems like your best just isn't good enough, like you'll never amount to anything worthwhile so why even bother? But let me tell you something else. You're not alone. Sure, everyone has different problems, some bigger than others but these obstacles aren't meant to crush us. You think it's strong to off yourself, that jumping off the Astronomy Tower will solve everything. It's not. We all go through difficulties and the strongest people are the ones that don't jump. I know you're stronger than this, Malfoy so please, don't jump," she tells him looking directly into his eyes.
"You will never know what I've been through, what I have to do. He wants me to become a murderer. He'll kill me if I don't. You'll kill me if I do. There's no way around it. Anything I do will get me killed! I don't want to be a murderer, Granger. Jumping will save more lives" he says desperately, almost begging her to understand and just let him continue with his plans.
"Listen, Draco, I know you want to jump but hear me out. People always want to jump. It sounds like the best idea, the least painful one, but it's not. You think it will make everything go away and maybe to you it will but think about the people you're leaving behind. Think about those who need you, the people who need you to stay alive."
"The Dark Lord will find someone else to do his dirty work. They don't need me."
"I didn't mean him. Your family. Your friends."
"I don't have friends. My family is the reason I'm in this situation in the first place."
"Then me, Draco. I need you to stay alive."
"You don't need me, Granger. Don't pretend that you do."
"You may not think so. I'm giving you a choice now. You can jump of this tower and let yourself die and I won't do anything about it. When they find your body tomorrow I'll pretend that I was never here. I'll pretend we never talked and that I'm glad you're gone the way you seem to think I'll be. Just know this, I may pretend this never happened for the rest of my life, but I won't forget that it did. I'll always carry the guilt knowing that I couldn't help you, that what I said was never enough, that I should have tried harder. You can choose to jump or..." she hesitates but holds his arm even tighter as if to make sure he lets her finish before making a decision.
"Or you can choose to live. You can turn yourself in to Dumbledore and let us protect you. There's always hope if you know where to look for it. We can keep you safe. There are ways of faking a death. You can go into hiding and Voldemort will never lay a finger on you. He'll never know you're still alive. I can help you," she pleads.
"You make it sound so much easier that it really is," he mutters.
"It's not. I don't promise that things will get easier but I do promise that you'll get better, stronger. Life is hard and there will be problems but that doesn't make death the answer," she tells him. "Now you need to choose."
She lets go of his arm but remains where she is. The decision is up to him. He can choose to go back to reality but this time with her to help him through it or he can choose to jump, to end all his problems.
He looks at her. 'Let me help you' her eyes seem to say.
He looks over the edge of the tower at the grounds below. It's almost as if it's calling him. 'Jump, Draco. You'll never be hurt again. It will end all your problems.'
He makes his decision, closes his eyes, braces himself, and lets himself fall.
And he's falling. When he finally lands it's not as painful as he would expect the stone floor to be. He opens his eyes and sees her teary eyed but smiling. He's not all that surprised to find that his own eyes are watery as well.
She hugs him, still not quite believing it. And he lets her, despite all he's said in the past about her inferior status, because he can't quite believe it either. They remain on the stone floor of the Astronomy Tower clinging to each other until he speaks.
"You promised, Granger."
"Hermione," she corrects.
They're quiet for a long time. It's as if they are still processing what just happened and what her promise and his choice will mean.
"I know, Draco, I know." she finally answers. "Before you got here, I was going to jump too."
"In the end...everything matters."
- Hannah in Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher
Thank you for reading.
Please do not bash on this story to harshly. I know it's far from the best out there but it means a lot to me.