At 10pm on a Friday, the Old Haunt was pleasantly full. The air was warm and comfortable, quite a feat considering the weather outside. A flurry of cold air and snow forced its way into the bar as the door opened to admit Detective Kate Beckett.
As the doors shut behind her, the cold air quickly dissipated and she was shrouded in warmth. She scanned the bar for her team. Rubbing her cold hands together, she craned her neck to search more of the bar.
"Beckett!" a familiar voice yelled and she turned her head with a smile. Ryan, Esposito, Lanie and Castle were all crammed in a booth. She waved and they all waved back while shoving over to make room.
"Hey guys," Beckett greeted, pulling off her jacket and throwing it at Ryan who caught it and hung it over the side of the booth.
Lanie raised an eyebrow and cleared her throat. Beckett smiled.
"And Esposito," she teased, causing Esposito to gasp in mock horror and Lanie to narrow her eyes.
Beckett, Kate now, slid into the booth next to Castle. It was a tight fit but neither of them minded much.
"Perfect timing, Detective," Castle said, loud enough for them all to hear, "We were just about to order."
"Excellent," she replied.
Time passed. Food and drink came and was eventually replaced by drinks alone. The laughter grew louder, the bar grew fuller, the heat increased. Kate could feel herself getting looser, lighter, happier. She enjoyed the feeling of freedom, of no worries, of being with her friends. When she knew that she had had enough alcohol, she switched to ginger ale. Next to her, Castle had done the same.
It appeared as if Castle had had more to drink than Kate had for he was staring at her with an indescribable look in his eyes. She felt his gaze on her and blushed. Kate couldn't believe it. Luckily, no one else had noticed. Ryan was on the phone with Jenny, telling her he would be home soon. Lanie and Esposito were so engrossed in each other that Kate doubted they would notice if she and Castle started going at it on the table.
She promptly blocked that line of thinking. It was dangerous, thinking like that, when she was...not fully in control. When he was lacking judgement. When they both stopped telling themselves it was impossible and instead focused on the why the hell not side of things.
Castle's arm brushed against hers, his outer thigh touched hers and Beckett took a determined swig of ginger ale.
No, she told herself firmly. She was well aware of how he felt for her. But she just wasn't ready for that. God, she wanted to but-
Her thoughts were interrupted by Ryan standing up; the awkward stand-up people do in booths when they want out. She slid out and Castle followed her. Ryan grabbed his coat from the bottom of the pile and exited last.
With a wave, he said goodbye and wished them a good weekend. The door opened and closed and he was gone.
"After you, Detective."
Kate looked at Castle questioningly. He was gesturing for her to enter the booth first. She did so cautiously, wondering at his intentions before mentally shaking herself.
Paranoid, she told herself, he's just being nice.
But as Castle slid back into the booth, she dismissed that. Now that Ryan had left, there was ample room in the booth for both of them to sit without touching. But Castle was pressed up next to her again. As much as she wanted that, she knew she couldn't; they couldn't. His leg against hers caused fireworks to radiate from the point of contact outwards. When his arm innocently brushed against hers, goose bumps formed. She had to get away, had to stop this.
But she was frozen. Rationally, she knew she was over-reacting. This was Castle. The man was drunk. She needed to relax. She sensed Lanie looking at her quizzically, wondering if she'd missed something.
Kate put both her hands on the table and tried to relax. Castle leg moved against her own and she felt heat pump through her almost instantly.
If one, unintentional touch did this to her what would...
She dragged her mind away again.
"Castle," she began. It was part question, part statement. He turned to look at her and moved back, giving her space. She felt a mixture of relief and regret and promptly hated herself for feeling the regret.
"I have to go to the washroom." Castle slid out of the booth easily and moved out of the way. Kate got out as fast as she could as sent him a smile of thanks. He returned in and sat back in the booth heavily. Lanie stood up.
"Where are you going?" Esposito asked her, whining slightly. Lanie smiled.
"Baby, no girl goes to the bathroom alone," she told him, poking his bottom lip when he pouted.
Kate rolled her eyes but waited for her friend nonetheless. Lanie grabbed her arm and dragged her off towards the bathrooms.
"Girl, you had better tell me exactly what is going on out there."
Of course. Lanie wanted to interrogate her. She decided to play dumb.
"What are you talking about?" she asked in her most innocent, ignorant voice. It didn't fool the woman dragging her.
"Oh no, you are not gunna give me that," she said as she pulled Kate into the washroom. She moved Kate to the far back and stood between her and the door. "Kate, you looked like someone was holding a gun on you. What's goin' on?"
Kate looked at her friend and saw the concern in her eyes. Lanie was worried about her. A flash of guilt went through her.
"It's...complicated."
"How complicated can it be, honey?"
Kate let out a humourless, slightly hysterical, laugh. Lanie looked alarmed.
"Kate Beckett, you tell me exactly what is going on and why you haven't jumped that man's bones already."
"I can't, Lanie," Kate half-moaned.
"Why?"
Everything flashed through Kate's mind. His confession, her lie, her promise. She had kept all this inside for so long that she was going to break. She could feel a thousand tiny cracks in her careful compartmentalization. Everything was threatening to spill out.
"He loves me."
In the silent bathroom, her whisper sounded like a yell.
Lanie was quiet. She only looked at Kate, urging her to continue. That, or she was in shock.
"He told me when I was..." Still no more than a whisper, her voice trailed off as she remembered that day. Her hand went to her scar.
"I lied to him," she choked out. The words felt like poison in her mouth. "God, you should have seen his face when I told him my mind was all blank."
As blank as your face is now, Kate thought, searching Lanie's face for signs of life. Kate decided to continue, not sure whether relief at getting it all of her chest or alcohol fuelled her.
"I told him that I couldn't have a relationship I wanted until I solved my mother's murder. Until I-" Kate broke off, suddenly needing a breath. "Until I put it to rest."
Lanie still only looked at her, her mouth hanging a bit open now.
"But he asked me to stop looking into her case. I promised I would. I promised him..." She trailed off. "It's not important." She turned her head away from her friend, as if hoping this would all disappear. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. Even she couldn't understand the mix of emotions plastered on her face.
"He loves you?" Lanie asked. Kate turned to face her again and smiled slightly.
"That's all you got from that?"
"No. Girl, we all knew he loved you. We were just waiting for him to say something. Now you know. What're you gunna do?"
"I can't do anything!" Kate replied, voice reaching hysterical levels. "God, Lanie, I want to but I don't want to go into this half ready." She paused. "He's the most important person to have come into my life for a while now and I...I don't want to mess this up."
Kate studied the soap dispenser and willed the secrets to stop coming out. But they wouldn't stop.
"I think I love him."
"You're one of those truthful drunk girls, aren't you?" Lanie asked rhetorically.
"What do I do? I don't know what to do," Kate gasped. Lanie walked up to her and grabbed both of her upper arms.
"You are gunna go out there and curl up next to him and tell him what you told me."
Kate began to protest but Lanie cut her off.
"No. Listen. Tell him you need time, Kate. He loves you and you love him. Are you gunna let this pass you by cause you're scared?"
"I'm scared of losing him." Her confession sounded like a whisper. "What if he doesn't wait?"
"What if he does?" Lanie asked, forcing Kate to look at her. She looked determined and strong. She looked like Kate wanted to feel.
"I..."
"Katherine Beckett. You are an NYPD homicide detective. You can do this," Lanie encouraged. "I have faith in you."
Kate bit her lip. Lanie was right. She was a cop for God's sake. She could handle this. With a decisive nod she turned 180 degrees and exited the bathroom. She heard Lanie yell something about going and getting 'em before the woman followed her. When their table was in sight, she froze.
Who am I kidding, she asked herself, this is an awful idea.
Her mind filled with all the ways he could reject her, all the ways he could just up and leave. Worst- case scenarios threatened to take away all her courage.
Then Lanie bumped into her. "Get a move on, girl."
Kate pushed back her fears. She would deal with that if the time came. But right now, he needed to know. Right now, she had to be brave.
With a smile, she scooted in next to Castle.
She moved as close to him as she could, revelling in the feeling the mere contact of his leg on hers gave her. But she was also battling the desire to run; a desire she had given into far too many times.
Castle looked at her in surprise but said nothing. If anything, he looked pleased, if a little cautious. She met his eyes and saw concern.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, leaning in slightly. Noise in the bar had risen and she needed to lean in so he could hear her reply. That was also why she whispered it in his ear. Or so she told herself.
"Yeah, just fine."
He smiled at her and she smiled back, not moving away.
In that moment, nothing mattered. It wasn't important that Lanie and Esposito were making excuses such as 'it's 1am'and leaving. It didn't matter that Lanie was shooting victorious glances her way. It didn't matter at all that she had been nervous before. She couldn't remember why she had felt anxiety in the first place. All that mattered was her and him and the fact they weren't moving apart.
His gaze dropped to her lips for a split second and unconsciously, she bit one. She also couldn't help the way her eyes were drawn to his lips. She remembered the night outside of the warehouse, the feel of those lips on hers and instantly, she was struck with the desire to feel them again.
She could feel herself losing control. She knew if she kissed him now, she wouldn't be able to stop. She wouldn't tell him what she needed to. However complicated things were now, if she didn't tell him and they started something, they would complicate sevenfold.
She closed her eyes and looked down, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding. Castle leaned back, almost tiredly.
"Rick," Kate started slowly. She saw him tense at the use of his first name. Whether in worry or surprise she couldn't tell for she refused to look at him. "We need to talk."
"Okay," he answered quietly.
She couldn't look at him. If she looked at him, she would lose her nerve and give in to the ever growing urge to bolt.
Where was she supposed to start? For a moment, she let the ambience of the Old Haunt drown her. She listened to friends sharing stories and laughing at memories, she smelled the classic stale beer and wood scent and she let it pull her away from what needed to be done.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
She didn't realize she was speaking. But she continued, figuring that the less she thought about it, the better.
"I just needed time. It was too much. I couldn't face it right then, not right away."
She paused for breath and continued staring at the wooden table.
"So I pushed it away. Not to forget, I never wanted to forget, but just so I could function."
Her hand came to rest on the table and she picked at it, channelling her anxiety into the helpless surface.
"When I came back, I knew I still wasn't ready for what-for anything."
He was being strangely silent. She wanted to look at him. She wanted to know he was there.
"I want it so much, Rick. I want-"
"You remember."
I wasn't a question. It was a statement. It forced her to look up at him, to look him in the eyes.
He looked pained, at first. Like she had ripped out his soul and thrown it in a well. But there was also joy. Hope. Anger.
"I'm sorry."
"How long?"
His voice was filled with sadness and mistrust but, just like his eyes, there was also hope.
"I never forgot," she whispered, staring at him. How he heard her over the din of the crowd, she didn't know.
"Why?"
Why what? Why did she lie? Why was she telling him now?
"I was afraid."
Her answer, so honest and simple, seemed to floor him.
"Of what?"
"I didn't want to lose you. I thought that if I told you I remembered or we started something now, it wouldn't work."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not ready. I'm broken. I'm a mess, Rick."
"Your mother's case."
"I can't be-can't have the relationship I want until that's settled."
"But I asked you not to work on it." He nodded as he said this, but pain was still there.
"I just don't know what to do. You-you love me. I know I'll be ready someday for that but..." she trailed off, desperately searching his eyes for something, anything.
"But not today," he finished quietly.
"I'm sorry."
She looked down again, sure he would leave. She jumped when a hand touched her face gently. A light pressure made her look up and into his eyes. He was smiling slightly, his eyes full of a look Kate would call understanding affection if forced to name it.
"Don't be sorry. I wish..." he took a deep breath. "I wish you had told me right away, but I understand why you didn't."
His thumb brushed against her cheek, wiping away a tear she didn't know had fallen.
"It's hard, Kate. Knowing that I'm ready and you aren't. Waiting. But I'll do it, Kate. I'll wait."
She smiled at his words and the sincerity in his eyes. His hand moved to cup her cheek and he placed his other one on the hand still worrying at the table top. It was warm and comforting. She leaned slightly into his touch.
"And working on her case...that's difficult. I don't want to lose you to that."
For a moment, he was somewhere else, focused on something deep in his mind. But then he came back and smiled, as if to make up for his temporary absence.
"But case solved or not, we'll break through your walls, Kate. Don't you doubt that."
She smiled. One thing Kate Beckett did not doubt was Castle's ability to break down her walls.
"I'll never leave you."
She bit her lip. This was hard for her to believe. What if he died, of found someone else or got frustrated and annoyed with her for not being ready or they had a fight or-
Kate was ripped from that train of thought as she was kissed.
His lips were warm and soft. The kiss was a comfort, neither pressuring for more or overly lustful. It was like a promise. And as his lips moved over hers, all she could think was that this was home. Their hands on the table clasped and she moved as close to him as she could. She was aware of his other hand playing in the roots of her hair and of her hand over his heart. She wished this would last forever.
The kiss ended but they didn't move apart. She kept her hand on his chest and he kept his on the base of her neck. Their foreheads touched.
"I love you and I will wait for you," he whispered with such intensity, it was like a new commandment being written.
And she had no choice but to believe him.
This giving her courage, she tilted his head in and kissed him lightly once more. Then she lay her head on his shoulder and buried her face in his neck.
"I love you," she murmured, voicing the words she had been afraid to speak for so long. "But it's going to take time and I can't guarantee I'll be the most...co-operative."
He chuckled lightly.
"That's okay. I'm sure I won't always be this nice and accommodating."
She smiled into his neck.
He held her close.
"You want some fries?" he asked.
She pulled back. "Castle, it's past 1 in the morning."
"Oh, so I'm Castle again now?"
As the unorthodox couple bantered on, something was very clear. No matter how long and bumpy the road became, the Writer and Muse would wait for each other and find their storybook ending.
Or kill each other out of frustration, either one is plausible.
A/N: Well, I didn't want to work on Reason so I decided to do this. :) It may have gotten a little out of control and out of character at points and maybe even incredibly sappy but that's what fanfiction's about. Accuracy is overrate- No it's not, who am I kidding.
I would love you thoughts on this story, even if you just want to yell at me for being ridiculous. :)