Hey! So a lot of people had questions in the reviews and so all of those will be answered here. This is basically like a DVD commentary on my new story Coming Up Tails, so it's basically just my comments on things that I feel need to be expanded. There is A LOT left open or left to interpretation in the original story- esp the ending, but also the beginning and the whole process of Shikamaru's feelings towards her (and more explanation on Temari's POV) and why this is not a romance story.
Okay, have fun. (If you have anymore questions, don't hesitate to ask!)
(You should read the original story before reading this one. It's on my profile.)
Coming Up Tails: Commentary Part I, Pages 1-17
To keep the lamp alive,
With oil we fill the bowl;
'Tis water makes the willow thrive,
And grace that feeds the soul.
—William Cowper
I chose this poem after finishing the story. I'd actually found the poem before I even began writing, but had decided to use a quote from Regina Spektor instead. The particular lyric I was going to use went:
Lady sing the blues so well
As if she mean it
…
Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regret
Takes a look around, no regrets, no regrets
Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree
She says, I'm free
-Regina Spektor
Of course the lady was meant to be Temari, and I had to change it because, as much as this story is about two people, it is about Shikamaru (though it really should be about her. Imagine what he's going through, then increase it tenfold). We only see Temari through his eyes, which is a very different picture than what is actually going on. But if you can apply this poem to Temari it might help paint a picture of her experience and how she felt about it. A friend of mine actually recommended using the other quote because in the end, it was about him and them together, and the first poem really represented to me what they were doing versus the Lady one, you know? Btw, William Cowper is a religious poet and this stanza is only the first of a poem describing dependence towards God. I myself am atheist, but I still find his work very very beautiful.
It is the first time he has ever been called to her office without a scroll, the first time he had ever been escorted by ANBU guards; they're as silent as their footsteps falling along his loud ones on the floor. I just now realized that was all one sentence. Probably not one of my best. If I had seen it earlier I would have changed the opening line.
"Shikamaru," she says when he knocks, "come in." Someone pointed out my tense confusion recently and I realized it was something I'd never noticed, but in all my stories my tenses are everywhere. I decided to do this in the present tense, which is new for me. My beta says I messed up a bit, but I didn't edit them, so apologies. No one is waiting outside, and he feels the tendrils of warning in his gut. There is nothing casual about what she wants. There are always people around her office, you know? It would be odd if you went by and there weren't, which is why he is suddenly anxious.
"Hokage-sama," he greets, eyes calculating and on sudden alert as he stands before her. She is meeting his gaze, but with a hesitancy that makes her less daunting than she would probably like. She doesn't like this any more than he does. "How can I help you?"
Her hands smooth over the papers before her, long, delicate fingers that could kill him in an instant had she been so inclined, skirt over the paper as she finds her words. "I have a mission for you."
He is too tired for something so big so soon. He just returned from a month's long journey in the Mist the week before. But there is something about her today, and he is annoyed with the temptation and curiosity flirting through his brain.
"But before I say anything," she continues, "I want you to know that this is optional. I am proposing you for this assignment, but if you would rather not partake, I understand." Someone pointed out that this is pretty OOC for Tsunade and she and Gaara wouldn't appease their daimyo's by doing this. But remember, it is for the benefit of the village and the threat of losing 20% of their economy is insane. Neither of them would force a ninja to do this (they're only asking for ones ranked Chunin or higher. Shikamaru recently made jonin) but there are a good amount that would volunteer. Of course, she is only asking Shikamaru because he knows Temari. She probably had enough sense not to ask anyone his age (they have so much ahead of them) and none of the Konoha 11.
Now that was surprising. Although, as far as he knew, she had never threatened a mission's completion under death, it was rather implied that if you refused to do something, you were either reassigned or, depending on the circumstance, destined for very early retirement. But to have it specified that the following assignment wasn't required, well, it was enough to make him stand a bit straighter. Of course, this meant a bit, and his shoulders did slag, only less so. I mean, he is Shikamaru.
He gives a short nod and she continues.
"You know the daimyo funds almost twenty percent of this village's economy, not to mention full funding for the ninja academy and your benefit plan."
"I am aware of his influence, yes."
"Well," she pauses on her words, not quite unsure –she is much too wise for that— but rather hesitant. She knows what she is asking, everything she is putting on him and I think she knows he'll say yes for Temari. Spoiler: Gaara requested Shikamaru... without Temari's input. Like Shikaku says (and Shikamaru muses) she would've rather had a stranger. "He has asked a favor of me." Stupid-ass daimyo.
Shikamaru knows he won't accept the mission. As soon as he heard it was optional, he had no plan to. And if his friends weren't at risk, he had no reason to. But he waits anyway, his heart beating faster as she continues and he wishes he knew why.
"There is a program currently underway in Iwa to ensure that the next generation of shinobi will have the most optimal skills achievable by birth. They are pairing candidates from their own shinobi pool, often those retired from injury or those who can afford to suspend their work for a few years, and conceiving a child from that pairing. Iwa and Ame are working together in a negotiation that strengthens their alliance treaty and betters the expected greatness of their future leaders."
His mouth went dry. "You're arranging sexual unions to result in skilled offspring?" His voice was not his own.
She misses a beat, but then nods her head in a small jerk.
"Children are being born from a science experiment? And you want us to do this? Is that was this is? Hokage-sama, you can't—"
"Nara," she demands, "I know this is not an ideal situation for either of us, but the daimyo has asked that we participate in the same program for a few years, just to see how it goes. I wouldn't ask this of you, but you know the position he is putting me in. If I refuse, we will be unable to sustain ourselves in the luxury we live in now." Twenty percent is huge. If they were to lose it, it would be very very bad for the village.
He sighs, long and slow and utterly contradictory to the racing in his brain. She is asking him to father a child. A child! He is twenty years old; hardly old enough to take care of a girlfriend, much less a baby. He would be a father, and he would be one through something that far under-minded the love and dedication that went into the creation of the child. Sex is not meant to be prompted by a genetics experiment. Children were not supposed to be consequences of that. I've always found him rather traditional in his beliefs (though of course always open to change). Besides his relation to Temari, he is also a good candidate because of his values with the future generation (see: Asuma's teachings). He knows they will be stronger and need the most protection. At the same time, he is more offended that she is asking him to create a child for political gain (rather than a natural conception between two loving adults) than he is about that fact that she is asking him to be a father.
"The daimyo is insisting that we work with Suna, and since the Kazekage has been placed in the same position as me, we have decided to cooperate. I am asking that you participate in this first trial run. This is a very key moment between Suna and Konoha. I know we (I) trust Gaara to be the most perfect bamf in the world, but even if the treaty is relatively sealed as long as Gaara and Naruto are together, by creating a good amount of children between the nations is the most sealed you can get. This is as paramount to foreign relations as it is the economic entrusting. Your mate has been handpicked, everything you need throughout the program will be provided (unfortunately we mean a bed, a room, etc.), and you will be given a stipend at the end of every month until death. Of course, once the mission is complete, you will also garner that pay." In short she is promising a lot of money. The Nara's are a fairly prominent clan, but I think they're more upper-middle class. He isn't in need of money, but it certainly sweetens the deal.
There is silence once more.
"I am sorry," he says at last, and the when she returns his words with a sigh and nod showing that she had assumed as much, he can only rub his neck and wait. It wasn't like he'd been considering the affirmative answer in the least.
And were this any other assignment he was refusing, he would offer replacements, but now the idea makes him sick.
He would never subject a comrade to this. And knowing some of them, they would volunteer for any chance to better the village.
"Right," Tsunade says, "as I expected. But I can't say I am not disappointed, you were a good choice." She straightens the folders in front of her and then waves her hand. "Okay, go away, Nara." She switches to Nara as soon as the conversation turns easier. I bet he reminds her of his father in a lot of ways, and Nara is just an easier, general term.
He shrugs as though this were merely a casual conversation. I say casual too often!
"And don't you dare tell anyone about this."
He nods and makes his way to the door before turning back, "Hokage-sama?"
"What?" She snaps.
"Why was I a good choice? There are plenty more eligible, equally as fertile men my age, not to mention ones much more likely to take on the burden of serving their Kage." She knew he was going to ask this, and thus she would mention Temari, and he would offer to do it. She is a very smart woman, no doubt about it.
"You meant ones that aren't as lazy?"
"In a manner of speaking…" We have one humorous line!
The smirk she had donned quickly fades. "Besides the fact that your family's particular jutsu is very useful to the daimyo, the female that volunteered for the program has a personal connection to you. Since she is not acquainted with many other of Konoha's male shinobi, I figured it might be easier for her."
A personal connection? He only had met a handful of Suna-nins over the years. "You can't mean Sabaku no Temari?"
"I do."
"You mean Gaa— ah, the Kazekage, volunteered his own sister?"
Tsunade taps her chin, "I don't suppose so. He is not an unkind man. But, then again, they are from Suna."
If his breath came in any shorter, they'd have a suffocation on their hands.
"And she agreed?"
"She'll be here in three days to meet her partner."
"You will assign someone to…err, reproduce with her?" He really can't believe it. Understandably, she is Temari.
Tsunade glares at him. "I asked that you do it, but since you so kindly refused, I'll find someone else." She stands up, "now get out of here, Shikamaru. You're dampening my afternoon."
"Yes, Hokage-sama."
He goes straight home after that, mind numb as he replays Tsunade's request and comments in his head.
She had been serious. Serious in asking him to fuck some woman, get her pregnant, and then raise (would he even raise?) a child all for the benefit of the village? And it wasn't just some woman either. Tsunade had been asking him to mate with Temari. Temari.
They had been friends during their childhoods, late teens even. They still were friends. He hadn't seen her since he was sixteen, but it hardly mattered. He still liked her. You know how that is. I'm still friends with people I haven't seen in ten years, but I remember them quite fondly. Of course, I think he is very much in love with Temari at the moment, but we'll get to that later. =p
But to fuck her? To conceive with her? To conceive with any given woman was hard enough, but for it to be a friend? Isn't that worse? Choose a random guy in your class and you'll understand what I mean. Also, think about having to have sex with someone, but not only that, they would have a child together. That is an insane thought, they would forever be bound by a new life they created together.
But as much as the whole idea was bothering him, the one thought that continued to unwillingly nudge its way into his conscious was the knowledge that, since he had refused to do it, someone else would. This has nothing to do with him wanting her (not consciously at least). He wants her to at least have the security of someone she knows and trusts. He wants to help her. Of course, even though he is about to insist he isn't jealous, and he isn't jealous per say, he does have a little bit of possession going on, though at a very subconscious level. In some very untapped way, he does want to be the father of her child. Not that he is jealous of someone sleeping with her, does that make sense? It is very hidden and not at all addressed till later on, but that is what is going on here.
But that is a VERY VERY important part of this story, so I will explore it more and more as I keep going (if you're still reading, that is! ;p)
She has already volunteered. She will be having a child, regardless of his decision. And although he surely didn't want it to be his, he didn't want it to be anyone else's either.
Not that he doesn't want Temari touched by someone else. Well, he doesn't. But it isn't a jealousy thing. He isn't jealous. Far from it. See, he isn't jealous of someone else sleeping with her. At the time, sleeping with her wasn't something that currently interested him.
He isn't in love with her or anything. Yeah. Mhm. Hell, he has a girlfriend, one who isn't asking him to father her child. But he doesn't want Temari, any of his friends really, to mate with a random volunteer. It is the least he can do for her, really.
But this isn't a little consequence.
What about Tomomi? Would she accept the fact that he was going to have sleep with another woman and have her bear his child? Would his girlfriend understand it was for a mission? One that didn't really mean life or death; would she understand? The addition of Tomomi has no real purpose but to add to his dilemma. She isn't a huge part of his decision, but she is a big part of him realizing (though I never delved into this) that he does, in fact, like Temari in a romantic way. Poor Tomomi! (Is it just me, or do I often have Shikamaru involved with someone else? There was in Prisoner... and Mistake... and maybe Frustrations (I honestly don't remember) oh, and there is in Come Back When You Can (did I mention that? Does anyone know? Or did I just spoil something. Oh shit, nevermind!)... but it was Temari who was with someone in DG, okay... I'm done. Sorry.)
Though that was hardly a consequence.
He would have a child. A fucking kid. His child would be birthed from a conspiracy in his own village, a scientific experiment versus being made from love in a caring and supportive household. It was all very 'at once!' Asking him to sleep with someone, but then asking him to suddenly have a child. Remember, he is twenty. He is rather unfeeling at this moment
Good god, if his father ever found out he'd considered it, Shikaku would kill him. He doesn't give Shikaku enough credit. I think Shikaku definitely understands the position Shikamaru is in and, to a degree, has a suspicion that his son is in love with her, so he doesn't argue Shikamaru's decision. He couldn't even begin to consider telling his mother. He is right on target with Yoshino though. I imagine when he does tell her (Shikaku instructs him to near the end) she flips the fuck out. And Shikaku doesn't defend him at all.
That is— if he agreed.
Which he couldn't. He just couldn't. He couldn't have a child for the bettering of Konoha and the pleasuring of the daimyo.
Even if Temari could, he couldn't.
And why the fuck was she? If anyone, anyone, could get out of this, it would be her. This is true. But he hardly could being to imagine that Gaara had asked her in the first place. Which made him wonder why she had ever signed up for something like this: she would give her body to some Konoha male, take his seed, and grow a living child in her body for nine months.
Temari is the last person he would have figured for this.
Shikamaru pauses inside his bedroom door. His bed is dusty; the blankets wrinkled and piled on the bottom of the bed from where he kicked them off that morning. Had he said yes, in three days' time, Temari would be in this bed. He would make love –no, he could hardly call it such— he would engage in sexual intercourse on this very mattress in hopes of creating new life. How would it work? Would they both be undressed? Would it even be in this bed? Would it be in the hospital? Hell, was it even sex at all? Did he just jerk into some petri dish and have his child conceived in a laboratory? If he said yes, would he even have to see Temari at all? If this was legit, this is probably how it would happen. But maybe Konoha needs to keep up appearances. They need to be able to prove that they're future generation wasn't a conspiracy? Idk.
With one longer sigh, Shikamaru collapses onto the bed and groans.
He knew today would hardly be casual. Again! I need more words (a thesaurus would be helpful too. Christmas anyone? XD).
There never really was another option. As soon as Tsunade had said it was Temari, he'd had no choice. Of course he'd say yes. How could he refuse?
Always a fan of short things like this.
He had never really considered saying no after knowing it was her, just as Tsunade and Gaara figured. But he slept on it and then reported to her the next morning.
The next day, he goes over his assignment as Tomomi cooks dinner. I imagine her with short (boy-short) black hair and a cute face. They get along quite well. Of course, her looks mean nothing, but this is how I picture her. (Like shinigamiii said: a love child between Temari and Ino, but this is just her personality. She is rather pale a dark, which is nothing like his two blonde ladies). She is going on a mission soon, a short one with her team, which works out for him rather well. I'm making her a Chunin. He is still unsure how to tell her about this whole thing. Their relationship isn't very serious, but she certainly deserves to be aware of his mission. She won't understand it. Why would he take the mission if he had the choice not to? She would know it had more to it than just helping a friend.
He should tell her tonight, tell her beforehand. She will be angry if he tells her after the fact, and this is supposedly their last date before she leaves for two weeks.
But he doesn't know how.
How does he tell her any of this?
Apparently, the baby-making portion of this assignment is carried out the old fashioned way. He knows the routine well enough. This goes in that. He knows the feel of an orgasm. He knows what happens; he knows how semen ejaculates, how it looks and how it feels. He knows, has known for a good number of years, that that sticky substance is the foreground for pregnancy. He knows that he will come inside Temari's uterus and the result of that will be a child. He knows how pregnancy works, but to imagine that his come is what will ultimately make a child is kind of daunting. It'd never been a worry of his before.
He will have to engage in sex with Temari. This bothers him mostly because of the feeling going into it. It isn't a spur of the moment or after a date thing (see below) and this is weird for him. If she'd simply initiated sex by coming over, he'd certainly be fine with it (he wouldn't because he has a girlfriend, but you know what I mean).
He has never planned to engage in sex. It always just happened. And even if he had been looking forward to it, he had still had some surprise after a date when the woman kissed him.
He had never gone somewhere with the clear intention of having sex. Could you imagine waking up being like "I'm going to go into this building for sex?" Apparently, in this story he's never been to a brothel.
But he would have to. Every other day until pregnant. Ino has always been worried about getting knocked up if she has unprotected sex once. Unfortunately, this is often how it happens. He has always figured that to be true, once or twice without protection was likely to result in pregnancy, but apparently not. He and Temari would be having sex a good number of times, as had been made clear in the briefing. They would have sex every other day in room 706 in the hospital at six pm.
Twenty-four hours later, a medic will be able to tell if she was in fact pregnant, and depending on the results, they will either continue the next night or she will return to the Sand. I imagine medic-nins would be able to tell if the sperm took ASAP. But, of course, the timeline needs to be more spread out. Plus, the accuracy is probably greatly increased after 24 hrs (it's around noon though, so more like 18 hrs?)
Shikamaru groans low in his throat, shoving the paper describing his assignment back into the folder it'd come from.
"Everything okay?"
He glances up to see Tomomi's smiling face. "Yeah, just tired is all."
He won't raise the child. She or he will be raised in Suna. He has no parental claim. He could easily serve his village without acknowledging the consequences. That is how it is supposed to go. The child will not be his. It will be Temari's. It will belong to Sunagakure. In another couple that is probably doing this, the mother will be from Konoha as will the child. Fact!
Tomomi is in the kitchen, back hunched over, as she no doubt tries to discover what went wrong with her food. It is fruitless, he knows, she is just too stubborn to admit that she can't cook. She is awfully cute.
But she looks damn good doing it. Her short black hair is all messy with the sweat from anxiety and heat from the oven; her cheeks are red and her narrowed eyes bright.
He doesn't really have to tell her. It's the same as accidentally getting a one-night stand pregnant and not having her tell you you have a kid. He knows quite a few older men whom were stationed in foreign lands during the war that have had this happen to them. He really can pretend it is exactly the same.
He doesn't have to tell her at all.
"Fine," Tomomi snaps after having thoroughly examined her food, "get your coat. We're going out."
He slips the folder into his vest. He won't bother looking at it for a few more days. In other words: he is too chicken to tell her.
He dreams of Temari that night. He dreams of how they used to walk through the streets side by side, bumping hips in the occasional bustle in a way that shot lightning through his veins. He was so naïve then, so young and innocent that the occasional thought of touching other parts of Temari made him blush. He was certainly attracted to her. He'd probably been this way since he was thirteen (wait, was he twelve?) but it takes a long time for one to notice these things sometimes.
He is much older now; he has touched other women in ways he had never dreamt about with her. He probably won't touch her in those ways. It will probably be as simple as possible, as easy and as professional as they can make it.
She was always the professional kunoichi. He does acknowledge her professionalism, but he does not think she will take it to the degree she does. He just means he will not engage in much foreplay and his main goal will not be to make her feel good, as it would be if he were sleeping with her recreationally. He knows it takes more for women to get off, and he doesn't think he will be strained into making her come, but he certainly doesn't think it'll be as mechanical as she makes it.
He dreams about training with her when she was eighteen, eating lunch on her breaks as he guided her around Konoha. He dreams about the last time he saw her, out to dinner with their friends. She was laughing and teasing, and he knows she will probably not be like that for a long time after this.
He will probably never remember her like this again. It is sad and it is nostalgic and wrong and he wishes he could only remember her when she was young.
He wakes up too early. I purposefully use this line twice. Did you guys notice that? (I'll point it in Part II)
Shikamaru arrives at the hospital early, which is rare for him. The attendant there to meet him is visibly surprised as he glances at his ID. Apparently, someone had told him that Shikamaru was going to be very late, if he even showed at all.
In normal circumstances, Shikamaru would smirk at this man's stuttering and anxiety, but he is no mood now.
He is led to the top floor of this hospital. He has only been up here once, and that was because Ino had to visit Sakura. Her office is at the end of this hall. He wonders if she knows what will be going on behind door 706. Probably not. Sakura was no good at keeping thoughts to herself, and he was pretty sure she would've had a lot of thoughts about this. I'm a bit Sakura obsessed. I will always have her appear whenever possible. (fucking love that girl)
His attendant leads him to the foreboded room. The man is dressed in brown slacks, and Shikamaru suddenly worries that his own clothing choice is wrong. He is wearing his standard uniform. Would civilian clothes have been easier? He still doesn't know the play-by-play. He doesn't know how he'll be taking them off, if he even will.
"Here you are," the attendant says, opening the door with a key from the chain attached to his hip. It locks from the inside. "I'll be right outside. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." His job is basically the keep watch and clock when they go in, when they leave, and silently observe each of them. They are scheduled to show up at different times he gets to see them both. He is the one who reports to the head of this operation who then gives word to the two Kages.
"Right." He is nervous as fuck and he shoves his hands in his pockets to ward off any twitching fingers. He can feel his whole body shaking. He is too nervous to worry about Temari at this moment and until she arrives, his thoughts are purely selfish.
"Candidate H4," he remembers, it wasn't done by name. He wonders then, had his partner not been Temari, would he even have known her name? Remember, this is all done very anonymously. Although she certainly knows Shikamaru very well and he her, this is supposed to be under-wraps. He can't tell anyone about this. He will have a child and he won't be able to stake claim, in any sense. The kid will be Temari's and Suna's and he might as well be an anon doner, seeing as the kid shouldn't even hear his name. "Will arrive shortly."
"Yes," Shikamaru replies as he enters the room. The door shuts behind him.
It is almost six. He has a few minutes at most.
The room was made for this program, it appears. There is a bathroom adjoined, but apart from that, the only furniture is a dresser, a television, and a bed. A large bed. One far larger than his own. He wonders if others have engaged in the same thing he is about to on this bed. He trusts that it has been cleaned, though the thought still irks him. While he and Temari are a test run for this program, this room has been set up with a fairly clear purpose. I have a suspicion that this practice was not uncommon a few generations ago. Oh, and I meant to say this before—this isn't that unusual. Look at the Hyuugas and Uchihas (pre-massacre). They are a long line, a series even, of arranged marriages. These marriages are probably done to create standing, wealth, and most certainly the highest caliber of off-spring. Much like sexual selection, arranged marriages seem to be rather common among the elite. While he and Temari are not getting married, they are being forced to produce, which is certainly an aspect of arranged marriages.
But it is really the last thing on his mind.
The sheets are white –no surprise there— and the mattress is soft. He opens the dresser to find extra blankets and pillows, as well as drawers filled with every type of lubricant imaginable. He is lucky he is able to get off without them, I figure. I bet if his partner were anyone else, the pornography and shit would come in handy. There's a number of sex toys as well, some he has seen before and others he can't even begin to recognize. There are a few outfits to match, and a handful of porn tapes, which explains the TV.
"Will we be needing that?" She's caught him now, and as far as I see it, it is all she can say to lighten the mood. Of course, we're on Temari now. She has been traveling for days, has probably been in her hotel for a day or two, is about to give up her life for the next five or so years, and is basically flipping the fuck out.
But unlike Shikamaru, who is just a bundle of nerves, she is so hardened, she doesn't even think about it.
I imagine she argued with Gaara over him accepting the daimyo's conditions and when she realized he was going to refuse (he was, as was Tsunade probably) she volunteered, knowing she had to. Gaara understands her very well and surely understood her reasons and though he probably advised her against it, knew that it was her sense of duty and her choice. Neither of them told Kankuro (for obvious reasons).
But right now she is very cold and unresponsive and just… going through the motions. She feels weak and disrespected but at the same time powerful. But her body is being wielded as a tool rather than her mind and she can't even respect herself for protecting the kunoichi of her village because she is essentially selling herself.
Also, she isn't glad to see Shikamaru. She knew it was going to be him, but she'd rather it someone else, as I said before. Someone she wasn't personally related to. This will forever ruin a friendship she is sure she doesn't want to lose. But she is not responsive enough to pipe up and argue it.
He hadn't even realized the door was open.
She looks much younger than he'd pictured. She looks the same as she had three years before, in any sense. Perhaps she has lost some weight, or maybe gained some, he isn't sure, but something about her body looks slightly different. Perhaps her chest was larger? It's her hips, always.
"Shikamaru," she said, shutting the door behind her.
It was something that he'd realized a few days before, but suddenly the feeling came crashing down hard and swift upon his shoulders. Standing not three feet away from him was the mother of his future child.
"Temari." Her name comes from his lips in a single pant.
This was wrong. But all other words were lost to him, and he could only watch her as she swallowed and met his gaze. He is all fidgety and she stands very still.
"How are you?"
She is as nervous as he is, but he can see the determination ingrained into her features, and he isn't sure if he could keep up with her. I mean to point out that she has accepted it as her duty whereas he is still confused and anxious. But he could at least try. He was here to protect her but now she is out on top.
His shrug is syncopated, almost unseen.
She shifts her weight around a bit, eyes scanning the room before settling on him once more. She licks her lips and he is sure her throat is as dry as his. A few beats pass before she reaches into her obi and pulls out a handful of small bottles. He takes one from her and downs it in moments. The burn is tight and his eyes water, after another bottle, he has found that this is just enough to take the edge off, though barely. The attendant's idea.
"Shall we," she says, cheeks as red as his. The image isn't a blush of embarrassment. She is more flushed from a rush of strong liquor and humiliation for what she is about to do. He is certainly these two things as well, but he is definitely blushing about the sex part. Three empty bottles are in her hands. She was smarter than him. He should have thought of that.
She gestures to the bed and his chest burns. "Right…. Uh, how should I…?" She's taking control here, and I think that is very expressive of where they're both at in this. He is probably much taller (though probably skinnier) than her and certainly less intoxicated, but she is the one telling him to get on with it. After all, he asks her where he should go. He comes over to her, breath hitting her neck and he can feel her stiffen, breathe, and then attempt to relax. This feels all wrong and sick as his lips touch her neck, his fingers wandering into her obi to tug her closer. But if not him, then someone else. If he weren't touching her, someone else would be. Shikamaru has this image, as I already mentioned, of real sex. He thinks they'll have normal, albeit awkward, sex where they're probably only slightly aroused and it'll be very very mediocre. But he thinks they'll kiss and take off their clothes together and the whole deal. In his mind, he doesn't know any other way.
Her skin is hot beneath him. His breath wets her neck and her inhalations become quick. He can feel her breasts pressing against his front and the beating of her pulse as his lips push harder into her neck. He can feel the arousal, odd and surprising, but certainly needed and wanted, beginning in his gut. He is very surprised at how easy it was. And I think this is the first time we see that Shikamaru acknowledges Temari in a "more than just this mission" way. His body responded in moments, and that's not normal, esp. in this situation. His feelings for her have been untapped, but this is certainly a hint. It is certainly not uncomfortable. If they try this, if it is done this way, perhaps it will be okay. If they pretend this is normal, then maybe it could be. He could certainly try to keep up the appearance.
It would be easier. And he can feel his own arousal, pretending as such.
So he is surprised when she places a hand on his chest and pushes away. She can feel him pressing hard against her and she can see where this is going. She is certainly not aroused in the least, not in any emotional way. Of course her body has grown more aroused, but this is something barely registered for her. She just wants this part to get over with, and hopefully, this will be the last time they have to do it. He sees her eyes and every warm feeling in his gut disappears in seconds. If she had only continued to pretend. But she can't do it. Her features are cold and hardened and disgusted. He has trouble seeing her disgusted. And it is not that she is feel gross, but the look, though very accidental, appeared pointed towards him, as if she is disgusted by what he was doing. Which in a sense, she was, as he was by turning it into something it wasn't, but she wasn't trying to give him any sort of expression either way.
He feels sickened.
"I can do it," she says, pulling out the ties of her obi and letting it fall to the floor. He stand(there should be an S right here! Sorry for my grammatical errors) back to allow her more room, heart beating audibly.
She pulls apart her robe, revealing a white bra and black panties. She could be sexy, he doesn't doubt that. She always had been sexy. Another time he hints that his feelings for her might be a little more intense than platonic as he had obviously observed her 'sex appeal' back when they were young. But the way she undresses before him is mechanical, as though she were having a checkup. She is stiff and uncomfortable, and what little erection he has left quickly dies out.
She catches him watching and shoots him a look. He isn't ogling her, that's for sure. But he is looking at her, and as far as she sees it, he isn't supposed to. She also can't discern the meaning of his expression, and she doesn't like this. He is both confused, fascinated, and disgusted, and neither of them know what to make of it. With a gulp, Shikamaru begins unzipping his vest and shedding it onto the floor. There are no hangers in the dresser. I originally had a draft where I stopped here. This scene is self-explanatory in that the sex will be awkward and odd and pretty disturbing, but then I figured it would be better if I actually wrote down this (rather torturous) scene to demonstrate explicitly how bad it was. Did you imagine it worse? Or was the following what you would have pictured had I ended it there? (This question serves only to help me with my future stories).
When they are both only in their underwear, he looks back at her. The alcohol has certainly helped. At least he can speak now. But he wishes she had more of it.
"How do you want—"
"Lie down." The instruction is harsh, but he complies. If she wants to makes this all the more awkward, she can. Before he knows it, her bra and underwear are off and she is straddling him.
He tries not the glance at her body, but with her breasts dangling above his face she is making it hard. He wants to do this for her, and make it as easy for her as possible. If she doesn't want him to get any 'satisfaction' (considering that an orgasm itself isn't satisfaction, I mean the legit satiated feeling after having good sex) from this event then he will comply and not stare at her. But even with her own naked groin pressed against his barely clothed one, he is having trouble getting hard. He wills his cock to just shoot up, and it begins to as she grinds herself against him. But just as he can see the blush and torment on her face as her own body betrays her by growing wet, he feels in the wrong to have his dick so eager. Again, the blush is not from shy embarrassment, but rather deep humiliation and regret. He knows it must be, and he knows that any man with a curvy woman posed on top of him would get aroused, but he feels like a sick, perverted boy nonetheless.
Before he is fully erect, she pushes down his briefs and positions herself over him.
The sex is awkward and not right. She rocks herself against him in a pattern that resembles textbook sex rather than the kind that one's body subconsciously moves towards. This time it is Temari leading it, but they quickly learn from this and from then on Shikamaru marks his movement in a way that will end each meeting faster.
Only breaths come from her, not deep or whimpered ones, no groans or moans, but tame ones, and when she tells him with a voice as even as if they were merely having tea that he should hurry up, it is all he can do to keep his cock hard. He is so close to losing it, and every time he looks at her face he comes a bit closer.
Shikamaru's eyes wander towards the ceiling. The panels of the wood look old and worn, a breeze is threatening the window and light is waning on the floor and across the bed.
There is a man standing right outside and Shikamaru wonders if the attendant can hear the bedsprings. He can't.
Besides the throbbing of his racing heart, the squeaking of the springs is all Shikamaru can hear. Imagine five or so minutes of straight bedsprings—no groans or anything, no shifting. Just the same squeak after squeak of very uncomfortable spring.
He is so far away from coming, he hardly registers the feeling of her heat encasing his cock. It is taking too long and he wishes it would be over. He has never expected it would be like this, sex with Temari… sex in general. Although this strongly hints that he has fantasized about sleeping with her before, it isn't meant as one of the vague hints. Although he has certainly thought about Temari in a sexual manner before (we saw this in his dream) he has thought about sex with her a lot recently in a not very arousing manner, so his reference to imagining sex w/ Temari is more a reference to that. But to note, while his imaginings were not very heated, they were certainly more so than this. As said above, he's never imagined sex to be like… that. It shouldn't be like this. And the quicker this ends, the better.
The muscles folded beneath the skin of his stomach are twisting. They are alive and hard as she rests her hands on his lower abs to increase the depth of her movement. He appreciates the effort, but he is too distracted to assure her.
"Will it help if you touch me?" She asks. Code: how else can I whore myself out so you can finish quicker? His hands grasp her hips, and he knows what she is asking. She doesn't want him to touch her where he wants to. He wants to bury his hand between her legs, rub circles on that tight nub of nerves right above where they meet.
He wants to make her flinch and scream and writhe around him. The thought makes his balls tighten. Again, a definite hint to his feelings for her. But also again, this has more to do with the general idea. If he thinks of her as a sexual object it will be easy to get off. (Though denial!Shikamaru certainly would like to see her beg for him! :D)
But this is only a silent room with an attendant outside and two very tortured people trying to force the impossible.
She isn't asking him to touch her. For some reason this sentence says that she as a person is also her vagina…. Idk where that came from (it has no double meaning) but I just don't why I wrote that. You guys get what I am saying though, right? I don't mean to propose that they are one and the same, though I guess you could say he see's rubbing her off as touching a very intimate part that defines her, whereas her breasts are more… common? Out there? Idk where I am going with this… nevermind.
She doesn't want to make it feel right. She wants him to get it over with. So instead of making it better for the both of them, his hands wander to her breasts like she asked. I was fairly unsure about this. I was going to make him touch her and her flinch (not in a happy way) and specify that there should be no touching there or something… but I think Shikamaru knows her enough to pick up on what she means. And although she doesn't realize it now, when she thinks over this whole event the next day, she is very aware of how much he understood her and how much he sacrificed in that half hour of entering and exiting room 706 to appease to her rules. This doesn't make her any less depressed, but in many ways, this is when she begins to realize what he is giving up for this mission also, as beforehand she's been so engrossed in her own life. (As he kind of was too). She does know that her sacrifice is larger than his, but does admit to this being a two-person ordeal.
They are firm in his hand, heavy and full and so help him if it doesn't wave a line of heat back down to his cock. Remember? He used to think about touching her… (thought I might point that out). His hips jump and she nods approval. But nothing more happens and it takes her leaning back and rolling his balls in her palms before anything pushes him off the edge.
He always knew orgasms were great, and he had always figured there was no such thing as a bad one, only less degrees of wonderful. Ngl, I have found this to be very true. (Haven't we all?). Btw, stole that line. Only it wasn't about orgasms, but coffee. As in, there is no such thing as bad coffee, only less degrees blah blah blah. But this is bad, and he feels disgusting once it's over, hissing through clenched teeth.
Not mentioned: She doesn't feel sick after. She feels nothing but a realization that this whole part of the mission could be over.
Temari climbs off him when he finishes, throwing her legs off the bed and grabbing her robe from the floor. A shower is very much needed. She makes her way to the bathroom before turning around and shooting him a glance.
Her hair is perfectly arrayed, her cheeks a little too red, but no one would ever assume she'd just had sex.
If it could even be called that.
He didn't know any definition of sex that would cover what had just happened here. Can anyone think of one?
He hears the sound of running water and is instantly jealous that she has the shower. His cock is covered in her and he wishes he could wash it off. I love this line. I think it really describes what he is going through. He just had sex with someone and yet when he see's the aftermath (and what a mighty thing: her arousal all over what "makes him a man". As a girl of course, this is just my interpretation, but I imagine this must be a very big ego boost in general) and finds it horrible. We also get a strong image and remembrance of what just occurred.
The pane of the window rattles in the against and wind. It's a good night for rain. Wash away feelings kind of rain!
He knows why she is doing this. He is not stupid. (Though it did take him a day or two).
He has known for days, and when he asked her before they parted ways the day before, she had only confirmed it with far less words. For that one anon: this was not shown. Just mentioned to show that there was some conversation after her shower.
Gaara had never asked her to do this. Fuck, he'd probably fought it. As in Konoha, there were many kunoichi that were willing to do it, most even already had children with husbands whom happened to be shinobi. Both arranged and regular.
Shikamaru himself was the product of such a birth. (Regular of course). It was stupid for the daimyo to be requesting that it be done through a program rather than a common marriage. Doesn't it suck when daimyos think they can understand ninjas?
But there were some who would accept it, it had happened before. And Temari had done it simply so those who would didn't have to. She'd volunteered herself to protect her village; she'd done it so someone else wouldn't have to.
He'd done it for the same reasons, though his were slightly skewed. He'd done it so she wouldn't have to do it with someone else. He was protecting her, because if he didn't, no one would.
There is a note waiting on his doorstep the next day. The test was negative. It says the same thing everyday, which is mentioned in the end. Something like: are you free tomorrow? I don't quite remember it exactly. But in case you didn't get it, it is an inadvertent way of saying she is still not pregnant and they need to meet tomorrow and the scheduled time to try once more.
He crumples the paper and throws it into the street. He'd rather not see her again. Ever.
He is late today, and the attendant is flustered once more. Shikamaru wonders if he could hear them have sex two days before. He wonders what this man knows of the mission and what he thinks about it.
Temari is wearing her robe again, but her obi is already gone and she is not wearing underwear. She did not bring along any alcohol this time.
He wishes she had.
"Evening," he says, upset his voice betrayed his nerves.
"Evening."
He wonders if she feels like a common whore, saying one or two words before spreading her legs. He wonders if she is, in some sense. She kind of is. Now I don't think being a prostitute is that bad, but unless you chose the career, I'd feel awful to be giving something like that up for payment.
They don't say anything more as she parts her clothing, but keeps it on, and lies out on the mattress. She lets him take control this time, is letting him dictate his own movement. It is not as mechanical, he grinds into her for his own enjoyment and it definitely ends faster (or maybe not, but without the thrill of having sex with her for the first time, it would take hours to get off if they were doing it the same way). It probably actually does take longer, but I imagine them being both very removed. She probably doesn't feel anything, and is off daydreaming or something. He, as always, is concentrating.
He watches her body as she moves above him. Her thighs have a few scars, but good medic-nins probably healed most of her lacerations. He knows the scars on his skin are far and few between simply because of Ino's growing precision in her field.
He owes that girl a lot. I just love their friendship so much!
She saw him the other day walking down the street. She had asked him to lunch and when he refused, yelled for a bit (it is Ino) before bringing up Temari. Of course she'd seen the girl around town, it was silly of him to assume that Temari was holing up in a hotel or something. Ino is well aware of their old friendship (and probably had definite suspicions about his feelings towards Temari, which have surely faded since she hasn't seen them together anymore, but when she used to, she always teased him, see: TAGAMT chapter 3, ignoring the whole they kissed part and reading the Team 10 shogi game, see if you could apply that, w/o kiss, to this and you may see what I mean).
Ino just finds it odd that Shikamaru hasn't been hanging out with Temari. They used to be friends.
But he isn't sure how to react when Ino mentions her.
If only Ino knew where they were now. He wishes he could tell her, but at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to get the words out to her.
"Are you okay?" she asks. She's always gentle with him, but the hesitation in her touch reminds him that this isn't real. This isn't Temari. In a figurative sense. And he has no doubt that if this arrangement was at all natural, she'd be far from gentle. Again—he's imagining 'real people' sex with her! (Idk what that phrase means (I mean… as opposed to fake people?) but I like the way it sounds.)
The thought carries him away for a moment, and his hips start matching hers. He feels the change in her as she lets him take over.
[[Yoooo, I'm in the library at school and writing this and this little chick I've never seen before (all freshman look the fucking same) walks by with a picture of Gaara on her shirt! I've never seen a Naruto shirt at school before. She is sitting a table in front of me right now!]]
Okay, back to the story.
He's always gone slowly, setting the pace he is most comfortable with. One that doesn't allow for the slapping of skin and the bouncing of bodies. He likes slow, hard rocking of hips. If she wanted, he would move differently. He is adaptable, but she hasn't shown any inclination either way. He briefly wonders what positions and rhythms she likes. See, there are definite hints as to his inclinations towards her. But I want to make it ABSOLUTELY clear that these feelings have not grown since this story began and are not being made in this story. This has happened long before this even takes place. Some things, like this, are just quizzical thoughts prompted from sleeping with her.
But the thought of her in bed with him, really in bed, is disturbing after he comes to his senses. "…comes to his sense"—yes, he did get carried away there and intensified his rhythm. But this newfound rhythm is working and he can feel his balls begin to tighten. He switched to Tomomi; to the last time they had great sex.
They were playing shogi; she had pushed aside the board and straddled his hips, quite like Temari was doing now. Only Tomomi had kissed him, she had teased his lips with hers, his jaw with her tongue. Kissing is very important for him and for sex. It enables a much closer connection than sex sans kissing does. Temari didn't tease. But at least she acknowledged that he was also suffering through this, which was good enough for now. She is certainly better about it this time (and gradually more so over the past week) than that first time when she hardly took him into consideration at all.
When he finishes and she pulls off him to take the shower first, he rubs his eyes. If he weren't feeling like such shit, he would probably enjoy seeing her leggy form enter the bathroom. I like this part too. =p (feeling like shit line inspired from Nathan's masturbation-into-sock monologue from Misfits)
"Hey Temari," he calls –using the honorific feels wrong these days— "can I ask you something?"
She pokes her head out the door. She hates when he talks afterwards, and he knows it, but it is the only time he has an excuse to. They have to talk, at some point. They are having a child together. They don't. They're not supposed to. They aren't having a child together, rather, she is having his child. But he feels the need to see her, to discuss everything. He also has a lot of trouble reasoning that it really won't be his son/daughter and he won't get to raise him/her. Obviously, Shikamaru's in denial about a lot of things. But it isn't like he can show up to her hotel room. (Well…)
"How long does it usually take for someone to get pregnant?"
He can see her stiffen at the word, which is something she surely shouldn't be doing. What he means is, she shouldn't be doing this is she isn't prepared and can't even be calm that she'll be pregnant. (See: hypocrite).
"We both took the test, Shikamaru," she counters, going back into the bathroom. "We're both very fertile, so it shouldn't be long." I didn't show this, but I assume when he went to Tsunade accepting the mission, she sent him to the hospital to have his sterility tested. They had to know how healthy his sperm count was and make sure that he can have children. Same with her.
It'd been over a week already.
They'd had sex five times. And everyday, nothing. Sakura had gotten pregnant the first time she had sex (or so Ino said, neither Sakura nor Kakashi were keen on talking about such matters) [[see what I did thereeee? I have been shipping them so hard it isn't even funny.]] and Ino herself had lectured him for hours when he started having sex. Apparently, she didn't find the custom sexual-education he'd had from their old sensei to be adequate enough. Would it be though? I mean…. Asuma never even admitted he'd been having sex with her in the first place! (But can we talk about how the canon!ShikaTema relationship has all the same fucking scenes as Asuma and Kurenai in part one… and they were secretly together the whole time! I love canon things. XD)
And yet, Temari's egg remained unfertilized, or whatever the fuck was supposed to happen.
"Right," he says, sitting up and tugging his briefs back into place.
Temari sighs loud enough for him to hear. She turns on the shower and then lets the water run as she comes back into the room. She has a towel wrapped around her body, but it has been getting dark early as they fall deeper into winter and neither had thought to turn on the light. This also means that while he has seen her naked, he hasn't seen much of her. It is relatively dark. It's December, so it gets dark at like… 5. They're meeting every night at 6. She is only a silhouette as she joins him on the edge of the bed.
She thinks it over before placing a hand on his bicep. He flinches at the touch and she moves away. I debated putting this in there, but I wanted to point out that he is still very uncomfortable around her. Had he initiated the contact with her, she would have flinched too.
"It'll be over soon."
He grunts. "Don't console me, Tem. If either of us need pity, it's you."
She runs a hand through her loose hair, "mm. I had a choice, Shikamaru." She curls her fingers over her knee. "I chose this." It's meant to show that she's grown more accepting of the mission and wary of his feelings too. Which is also said above.
Shikamaru swallows, not wanting to argue, though he knows a fight is really what he needs. "I did too." I think they both really need a fight. They need to stop taking this so calmly and just flip the fuck out, which neither of them are really capable of. I'll talk more about this later, as it is part of why she has sex with him in her hotel room. She just needs to do something.
She bites her lip. He wonders why she can't stop fidgeting. I say he wonders a lot too… and she can't stop fidgeting because she is well aware of him, something that hasn't been considered in a long time. She is talking to him, which hasn't happened. They are talking about this, which hasn't happened, etc. etc. "I know." She says before standing up again and going to her shower, but she stops before the door. "You can come with me tomorrow, to the medic, I mean." Like I said, this is her "peace" offering as she realizes that he has some shit too. They have pretty much been at odds and in many ways, she hates him for doing this to her, though he's only helping her and is at no fault, you know the feeling? Blaming someone subconsciously because it is easy? Of course, she probably deeply regrets this the next day when she realizes just how inappropriate that is. He shouldn't come with her. In all reality, the terms of the mission probably say that they shouldn't even see one another outside of room 706. Plus seeing the doctor is something lovers do together, and so this offer is very more meaningful than she necessarily meant it to be. Also, Shikamaru isn't supposed to care about this child, only that it is conceived in quick time.
He was left alone in a shabby room wondering how the most intimate moment with the mother of his future child had occurred with hardly any words passed between them. And it was- very intimate,I mean.
As of now: Temari, while still a fucking wreck, is beginning to accept that she will raise a child, but she is still horribly depressed and horribly angry. She is also beginning to acknowledge Shikamaru and his problems, but she is still very removed and withdrawn. Compared to where they were that first night, they've made only a small bit of progress in overcoming this. She is not comfortable with him in the least, and in all reality feels like she is being sexually assaulted every single night. He can only begin to imagine what she is going through.
Shikamaru is just taking it all in, he is going through the motions as much as she is, and is otherwise pretending like everything is alright.
Okay, that's all I have for part one. If anyone actually read this, then thank you! I'll post part II tomorrow at some point. (If you answer the questions I posed in here, I will love you forever!)
TBC