The Fifth Mercer

This is my favorite memory. Several years old, but not faded like a picture.

I closed my eyes like a normal boy. The lights were on downstairs. TV as well. Bobby was watching something with Angel and Evelyn. My brothers. My older brothers and my Mom. Even despite the noise, the house was oddly calm, though. Mom had that effect. A magazine page flipping occasionally. She even tried knitting for a while after the first time Bobby left. Gave it up when one of the neighborhood kids called her 'grandma'. She was grumpy for two weeks after. She played Nazareth for weeks just to prove a point.

It's already snowing. White fluff dancing in my window in front of a black backdrop. There're no cars. It's too late and too cold for people to be driving around. And there's the smell. Dusty bedroom smell. My smell. I never had a smell before I moved in with the Mercers, and even then it took me six months to notice it. How Angel and Jerry's room smelled, how my own room smelled in comparison, even how the rest of the house smelled like Mom. It got more pronounced in winter. When snow covered everything the smells lessened outside. It only heightened the ones inside. I loved this time of year. Ice cold. Crisp. The feeling of being the first to walk on virgin snow had in it a close resemblance to heaven. Or how I imagined it to be.

"Hey, Jackie." Bobby greeted as he entered my room. Mom had me put up a guest bed. Just like before he left.

"Hey, Bobby."

"Why the fuck you still up?" He dumped his bag on the mattress. His voice was calm in contrary to the words. Like it was most times with Bobby. You had to listen to his voice and not the actual words.

"Couldn't sleep." Not sure if I'm ever gonna pull off that particular feat ever again. I looked at my guitar in the corner. I hadn't played it for a while. Didn't feel much like it these days.

"How's the music business?" The bed gave under Bobby's weight. His voice was sarcastic.

"My fingers feel numb," I whispered into the cozy silence.

"What?" Bobby asked with a flare of suspicion.

"Nothing," I shook my head. "Could you turn off the light?" The light was burning my eyes. Must be more tired than I thought.

Bobby looked from the yellow lamp to my face. "Why?"

His wary voice made me laugh before I could stop myself. He got up and turned it off with a grunt.

"Now what?" He asked into the darkness.

"Don't know," I whispered back. I felt him turning to look at me through the black.

"How the hell am I gonna talk to you when I can't see you?"

I turned in the dark to stare at him. Despite not seeing them I knew exactly how his eyes looked at that moment. "Don't know."

"Yeah well, you don't know a lot, don't you?" Bobby's voice was warm, if not tinged with a little annoyance. He wasn't acting his usual self and I began to wonder why.

"What about Mom?" I asked.

"She'll be there." He sighed and love literally poured from the short answer. His head hit the pillow and he sighed again.

"You sure?" I was starting to feel cold. It started in my feet and fingers. I rubbed them against each other under the duvet.

"Yeah, Cracker Jack. Have I ever lied to you?" His voice was brimming with it.

I smiled. "I love you too, man."

He snorted. "Don't be such a little fairy." A pillow was flung in my general direction.

"Alright, I won't. "

Another derogative sound came from his bed. "How the fuck are we gonna get past this, Jackie?" He whispered into the darkness like he was completely alone. As if not expecting another living soul to hear.

I shrugged before remembering he couldn't see. "Dunno."

"How am I ever gonna lead a normal life again?" He sounded half like he was blaming me, half like he was heartbroken.

"I'm right here." But mom's dead, I suddenly realized. It hit me like a brick wall. The flapping of magazine pages and mom's voice was gone and only the TV was droning on downstairs. Like someone taking our little house and flipping it upside down for the fraction of a second. Sometimes Sophie's voice cut through. "Was it always like this?" I was getting lightheaded. It was snowing inside, but it seemed natural. Not something to worry about.

I heard Bobby shrug. "What was so wrong with this?"

Something changed so fast I barely caught it. A white flash. Ice cold. Like being outside in the snow, even though I knew I was in my own bed. "Nothing, I guess." The smell returned. It was comforting and I calmed down instantly. "Hey, you'd tell me if things were about to change, right?"

"I'd be the first." Bobby promised. Comfort thickened his voice.

I nodded. But somehow I doubted him. How could he know? "What if you got hit by a car?"

He scoffed. "You see me bein' hit by a fucking car?"

I laughed back. "I see a lotta things that don't make sense,"

"Where's Jerry?" Bobby asked so suddenly it took me a moment to catch up. He sat straight up in bed.

I followed him and frowned when the lights came back on. "I thought we were sleeping?" I held a hand up to my eyes and missed the pure horror on Bobby's face when he saw me.

"Jesus Christ!" He hissed and lunged from the bed. "Ang, GET UP HERE!" His voice was hoarse with fear. He was grabbing my shoulders and pulling me to the ground.

The memory melted away as I realized I was only reliving something that had already happened. I vaguely remembered the memory heading in another direction. I clearly remembered it ending with the both of us falling asleep. Mom downstairs. Angel in his room. Everything normal.

"ANGEL!" Bobby screamed in real panic. Snow was falling from an ash grey sky. I was outside.

Big feet barged through the door and I heard Angel call softly for Jerry. Sophie was there. Right behind him, with a hand over her mouth.

And suddenly it changed again. Just as I was about to ask what the fuck was going on.

I feel numb. Cold. My stomach and chest is a mass of black pain. Throbbing and life-draining. I feel like I know what's coming. I was crying a second ago, thinking I would die alone. Every ounce of fear I felt, vanished by the touch of a hand. Rough hands, cradling my face. Bobby Mercer. The tough guy.

The kid who would've beat me up every day of school had he not been my brother. I thank God he was. Angel as well, looking like he understands exactly what's about to happen and is quickly realizing there's nothing he can do to fix it. My eyes are skittering around because of the light. It's too bright. Jerry is crying in the background. I wish I spent more time with him. With my nieces.

But the fog thickens and soon it doesn't matter. All that makes me fight to hold on for a little while longer is my brothers' voices.

"Don't you fucking die…"

My head is a mess of memories and weird dreams. They're all flashing by me faster than light. Faster than the light shining in my eyes. The white winter sun. I wanna tell Bobby to go walking in the snow for me once in a while, but my voice is fighting against the blood in my throat. I doubt he'll remember our walks in the snow when we were younger. The four of us. I doubt they'll feel anything but pain. Guilt. I know I would.

Even if it wasn't my fault.

So with every ounce of strength I possess I try to convey that. I try to speak. To form the magic sentence that will erase their pain and make everything better. The one phrase that will let them know how much I love them, how much I owe them. That I wish I didn't have to go, that I'm glad it was my turn first. That they're my brothers in the truest sense of the word. That I hope to see them again someday soon. But all that I can force past my lips is a smile. With blood welling inside my mouth and pouring down the corners it doesn't have the healing effect I'd hoped. But still it seems to work.

Bobby calms down. Accepts what's about to happen even if he doesn't know it yet. Angel mourns and prays to God to take care of me. Jerry bows his head and mourns, because he already knows what this will do to the remaining Mercers. But that last smile might as well be a letter of goodbye. Just once so they don't have to worry.

It barely hurts when I begin to drift away. I float above myself for the fraction of a second before remembering Mom is here too. Somewhere.

Then, with the flick of a button, it all goes black. Blissfully silent. And I never even knew this was my idea of heaven.