Tales of Graces doesn't belong to me.

Enjoy~

Pending

It was a feeling that, even with the series of ill-fated events that put him in his journey, never truly left him. Asbel couldn't say it was something that lingered in his chest while fighting enemies, or when they were discussing their course of action, or when they gathered around a bonfire to eat, or laugh or talk. No, at these times he forgot about it, it was like it wasn't really there to begin with. Unfortunaly he was reminded of it quite often, and quite rudely.

It was in the middle of the night when he was most hunted for this feeling. It happened at restless nights, when the weight of the responsibility he had thrown on himself pained him the most; or at nights when he decided to stretch his turn on watch so whoever was after him could get some more sleep.

He had told himself he should not dwell on the past, but on long sleepless nights he really couldn't help it.

And so, despite the many things that could have keep him awake (Sophie, Richard's actions, Hubert's bitterness), Asbel thought about his father.

He never imagined that, when the time to go back home arrived, he was gonna do so in the aftermath of his father's death. He never thought much of the future, but if he had pictured his return to Lhant it wasn't like that, if he had envisioned it, it had been with him coming back as a knight, true and through, with him gloating ever so slightly on the fact of proven his father wrong, because look what I have achieved despite your lack of faith on me and your harsh words, look at your son and call him a fool once more. Look at me, Aston Lhant and dare call me a failure yet again.

He never got to do that.

He wondered, sometimes, if he would have really done such a thing, if he would have really been capable of looking at his father's face, the face of a man that always seemed unreachable and far away beyond him in every sense; he wondered if he would have really been able of looking at him with pride and arrogance. Those had not been the feelings that took him through the academy, but his father had thought him selfish and conceited anyway, so why not prove him correct having all the right to be so?

He also wondered what his father would have done, seeing him come back like that: would he lecture him about how, knight or not, he was still no lord material? Would he scream at him for running away and neglecting his responsibility as the son of a lord? Would there be something resembling pride at seeing his stubborn son sticking to his words so truly? Would he be happy of having him back? Would he be angry at him? Would his pride be hurt, but would he take him back anyway because he did love him, as Lady Kerri always claimed?

He didn't know, and he was never going to know. Asbel hated the uncertainty of it. He couldn't even guessed how his father would have react at his return, war or not; he never understood the man, his mother always said he acted with the best interest of him and Hubert in mind, that everything he did he did for his sons, but Asbel never quite believed it when everything he always got from him were shouts and claims of knowing better. For him, it always seemed like Aston had ulterior motives to treat them as he did, those being screwing with him. What an idiot child he had been.

Though, it wasn't as if all the memories of his father were awful, there were a few he remembered with fondness. Like the time he found a dusty, blunt sword in the basement and, instead of scolding him for playing with it, Aston taught him how to hold it properly and how to strike; or like when he was five or so and his father would put him on his shoulders to help him reach the toys on an upper shelf; or like the time when Asbel was messing around at his father study and, when he got caught, he said he was curious about what his father did as a lord and Aston had been so delighted about it, and Asbel was happy for having asked because his father sat him on his lap and talked to him with such kindness and patience as he explained him what he did and why.

Or like when he fell from the stairs for not listening to him when his father told him to don't run, and Aston hurried to him with such worry he almost tripped himself, and despite having a dislocated arm Asbel could muster the strength to tell him with teary eyes that he shouldn't run on the stairs either, and Aston laughed at seeing he was well enough to be snarky.

As he grew up their relationship got more complicated but now, now that he looked back Asbel could actually see all the love his mother always said was in his father's eyes, even when he scolded him. And he was so sorry for how it had been, because his father was not an easy man to please, or to understand and he didn't know how to get close to his son, but the again Asbel didn't really tried: his father was always some kind of antagonist in his mind.

Asbel wondered too, if his father would be disappointed of him, he was no knight after all and he couldn't protect Lhant. He was even less than his father had thought him to be.

What would Aston say if he saw him now? Asbel didn't know what scared him more, the possible answer or the certainty that he was never going to truly know.

He thought of Lhant, and that grave he had refused to visit for reasons that eluded him.

He hadn't cry. No when Cheria told him back in Barona, no when he saw his mother's tears, no when Hubert didn't seemed to care, and he was not going to cry now, because his father used to tell him to don't cry and Asbel learnt to hold back his tears, being them from physical pain or emotional hurt and he was not going to disobey his father, not again, not now and yet…

"Asbel?" a deep voice called behind him "what are you doing up?"

Startled, Asbel turned around on his sit, hands flashing at his sword that was not there.

There were at Zavhert, at the inn. It was super late at night and Asbel didn't thought anyone was gonna be up, he had thought he was alone.

"Ca—captain" he said, turning around again to hide the tears on his eyes, trying to act casual "I was just, ehm, keeping watch" he trailed off.

"Inside the inn?" Malik told him with a smile on his voice, going to sit beside him.

"We—well, I mean, a knight has to be on his guard" he said sheepishly with a shaky voice.

Malik sat beside him in silence for a moment, but Asbel could feel his gaze all over him surely noticing his shakes and the tears at the corners of his eyes, even with the dim light of the inn.

"Asbel, what is it?" He finally asked with a stern voice.

Asbel almost laughed because what wasn't it, right? Everything was a mess, this journey, his head, his friends. He didn't laugh, because he knew any outburst of emotion would end up in him crying. He thought about lying, about saying he was just kinda overwhelmed with everything and just needed a moment, but he was a terrible liar and the Captain was no fool.

"I just" he started to say, not sure it was a good idea but needing to get it out, anyway "I was just...thinking about my father".

For him, that was everything that needed to be said, but he could saw Malik was waiting for him to add more. He didn't really think there was more, the Captain knew he had a complicated relationship with his father, and he knew Aston had died, so wasn't it all self-explanatory?

"Do you miss him?" Malik asked.

Asbel shook his head no, because that wasn't it, not at all.

"I was just thinking" his voice was hoarse, he hawked, but it didn't seem to help "He must be so disappointed on me, I'm not a knight, I...I'm not Lhant's lord and I just..." he was losing his internal battle of not crying "I just keep messing up!" He finally said with a strangle cry, burying his head in his hands.

He must had look pathetic, he thought. He must have looked like a disappointment.

"And he never liked when we cried! And I— look at me! I'm such a failure, I—"

He was suddenly held into a big bear hug. Malik's body was really warm, and the arms around felt like they were never gonna let him go, and the reassuring presence of the breathing at the top of his head made him felt safe, in a way he hadn't feel so long ago. It just made him cry harder.

But Malik just shushed him, and told him it was okay to let it out, that it was okay if he cried and he told him he was no failure.

Asbel needed so much to hear that, that at least there was someone he hadn't let down.

He didn't know for how long he cried, but the Captain held him with the same fervor all the time.

When he finally got a hold of himself, Asbel got slowly away from Malik and cleaned his cheeks with the sleeves of his jacket.

"I..."

He was supposed to say he was sorry, for making such a scene, and for getting the Captain's shirt all wet with tears, but other words found his way out of his mouth:

"I wish I could have said something to my father, before he died. The last time I talked to him was seven years ago, and I told him I wasn't going to become lord of Lhant. I couldn't have been more right" he laughed, humorless "I wish I could know, what he thinks of me, now, he would probably just yell at me but even so...even so I…" he was crying again "I wish he would yell at me once more."

The last words came as whisper. Asbel tried to clean his cheeks with his sleeves again, but he couldn't really muster the will to do so, and just pressed his palms over his closed eyes, wishing he could stop crying, wishing his father was there to tell him to don't cry, to tell him to be strong, and Asbel would listen this time. He would obey his father, knowing that Aston, after all, did know better.

This time Malik didn't pull him into a hug, he took him for the shoulders and made Asbel face him.

"Asbel" The Captain called with authority, with a voice that was little like his father's when he wouldn't accept any nonsense, "Asbel" he called again and Asbel was a little scared to look at him and find anything resembling disillusion. But he knew he couldn't be a coward anymore and run away from the things he didn't like, so he looked up.

There was everything in the Captain's face but disappointment.

"I didn't know your father" he told him, calm and firm "and I know it's not my place to speak, but I refuse to believe he would have been disappointed on you. You have become a good, kind, dependable man, Asbel, and that's most of what any parent could ask."

Asbel didn't quite believe him, at first, but his words mended old unhealed wounds he didn't know he was carrying, so this time it was Asbel who hugged him, burying his face in the Captain's chest and crying for some more time.

When he finally got away, he was smiling and for a brief second he looked more like a child that he had for the last seven years.

"Thank you, Captain that...that means a lot to me and I'm sorry I got your shirt wet and..."

Malik laughed and ruffled Asbel's hair.

"It's okay kid, just keep it in mind when it's your turn to do the laundry."

Asbel laughed alongside him.

He was never going to know what his father thought of him, and he was never gonna be able to tell him how sorry he was for being such a selfish brat, but he wanted to believe in Malik when, once they were going back to their rooms, the Captain told him he had given his father every reason to be proud of him, and that he, personally, was so.

He really hoped Aston thought like that too.

This is placed on Zavhert because Fendel is a very depressing country so what better place to be depressed? And also when I started writing this was really timeless, so I just kind tossed Zavhert there when I needed a place.

Personally, I don't think Aston was the horrible father a lot of the fandom say he was, I think he tried and failed at parenthood, but I don't see any malice in his ways, I think he just didn't know better, but he loved his sons.

Asbel seems to have these feelings of inadequacy with him, so I think it's possible that he would think of himself like this. I also think Malik would work as some kind of father figure for him, but I didn't dwell much on that because it wasn't the time.

As you surely noticed reading this, english isn't my first language, so feedback on the grammar and such would be really appreciated.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a comment to tell me what you think!