Does everyone else in the whole world get to have sex but him?
Seriously, it's everywhere. And he's not just talking about TV and movies and stuff because they have like vampires and aliens and superheroes and he doesn't really care that there aren't any of those in real life.
It's just the sex thing. There's no escape.
He thinks about it and dreams about, so a lot of it is in his head, but there is still a lot of it outside his head too.
Rachel's gonna have sex with that Jesse kid. Dick. And Puck's having sex with like everyone and even Quinn with all her holier than thou Celibacy Club crap managed to get herself pregnant (well, okay not herself even Finn knows that's not how it works, but you know what he means.)
See? Everywhere. It's just him and his mom all unwanted and pathetic and alone in their miserable sexless house where libidos go to die of frustration.
It's so simple, in the end. The solution just walks right up to him at his locker all legs and confidence and kinda mean and tells him she'll have sex with him. She says Rachel is totally into that Vocal Adrenaline guy and before his heart even has time to break Santana is offering to have sex with him. Just like that.
Obviously no one special is actually going to want to sleep with a big stupid virgin like him anyway, so why not right?
"How do you feel?"
"I don't feel anything..."
What was he expecting? Hearts and rainbows probably. More importantly: why did she even ask? Even to her own ears it almost sounds like she cares and she doesn't. Not about Finn or his stupid feelings.
He's disappointed because he wanted it to be all magical and whatever and it was just sex. She's had sex before, like a lot, seriously, a lot. She's not even bragging. For a first timer this wasn't even that bad. She's never felt the magic and the fireworks and everything, not the way Finn was expecting.
She's done this dozens of times with dozens of guys, mostly they leave before the food even arrives. Sometimes they pay. Finn actually holds the door for her sits with her while she devours the entire burger and then drives her home after.
It's not until he's unbuckling his seat belt out the front of her house like he is going to walk her to her door or something that she realises why it's pissing her off so much. No one has done this for her before. She didn't expect this. She doesn't expect this. And she knows that he doesn't like, like, her or anything. He's just being nice, because he is nice.
It makes her feel cheap.
He insists on talking. Not like during that doesn't bother her so much, but afterwards. In the car and at the crappy 24 hour diner he takes her to. Actually the diner isn't really that bad she's just got a sour taste in her mouth, must be the company.
Her burger just arrived and she's trying to savour the red meat and the silence and whatever. Finn is sitting across from her, elbows on the table, chin resting in his hands. It's almost kinda cute or it would be if he was you know four and you were into that kind of thing. She isn't.
"Sorry," he says, like she cares; like he means it. "I shouldn't… We shouldn't have done this. I don't love you." He adds quietly.
"Whatever," She replies because whatever. She said she would do him and she did. If he wants to have all this emotional touchy feely crap that's his problem, she just wants to eat.
Usually she likes the stupid ones. They're honest. Like earlier tonight when he said: "You're really good at this. And hot, like super-hot. You're sorta mean though (see? Honest.) and…Idon'tloveyou."
That's twice he's said that now. She didn't even pretend to care the first time. She's just looking at him thinking how it must suck to have your heart on your sleeve the way he does because it makes him so obvious. Boy's got no mystery and no game. She can see in his eyes that he is still thinking about feelings and stuff and not the sexy kind for which he has yet to thank her by the way.
He seems sad or guilty or something. More pathetic than usual if you can believe that. It seems to be mostly directed at himself but she's noticed now and there is plenty to go around.
"Santana?" She doesn't even care what he has to say, but he is obviously waiting for some kind of acknowledgement so eventually she looks up wiping at some stray sauce at the corner of her mouth. Finn looks at her face when he speaks to her the way he has been all night and it's…unsettling. They just had sex (she took his virginity) and yet somehow this feels much too intimate.
"It was just sex Finnocence you don't have to marry me or ask me to the prom or anything. I'm hot and I'm awesome, I'm like the patron saint of horny virgins or whatever."
Finn has this stupid look on his face like he needs to burp or barf or something. It's also mixed in with a healthy dose of confusion 'cos, you know, it's Finn. No one ever claimed sex made you smart.
Well, Puck probably has, but that's not the point.
She's almost finished her burger, mopping up the last of the sauce with some fries when she finally figures out what that stupid look on his face is. It's pity. Like he is the one who just took her virginity like it was nothing.
She doesn't need this crap, certainly not from Finn fucking Hudson, he's barely even hot. Cute sure and entertaining, mostly not on purpose, but Santana 'I'd hit that' Lopez, cheerleader and grade A bitch does not need pity from some dopey overgrown man-child thankyouverymuch.
"I used you." He says, like he's just now figuring it out.
"Yeah well, it's more fun that way. If there's no one else it's not really sex it's just," she gestures with her hand, "You know."
He blushes. He actually blushes like they weren't both naked and she didn't just give him his first proper with-someone-else orgasm half an hour ago.
He might have had sex, but god he is still such a virgin.
The ride home is completely silent this time and awkward in all the worst ways.
He parks the car, cuts the engine and reaches to unclip his seatbelt or get out to open her door or something and she can't breathe. It suddenly feels like she's all claustrophobic or having a heart attack or something and she just has to get out of there.
"Don't" she snaps and he looks at her like he's been slapped. "Don't bother. This isn't a date." She sounds bitter even to her own ears. Apparently Finn's pathetic is catching.
He looks hurt and she tries to focus on that, revel in that. Finn's like a baby giant or something and she hurt him. She did that. He's weak and she's strong. She doesn't need him, she doesn't need anyone. Not to pity her or walk her to her door. Not for anything.
He doesn't have anything she wants. So everybody loves him and girls go all moony eyed for him and he is inexplicably cool. So what?
He's dumb, like Brittany dumb, except it's kind of endearing on her. He's all eager and earnest and dopey like an untrained puppy.
He wants to say something, she can tell, probably something lame and true and unintentionally hurtful.
She cuts him off just in time, makes up some crap about curfew and her parents and gets the hell out of there. It's a total lie and even Finn probably knows that, but she doesn't care. He's an okay kisser, but this was a lot less fun than she thought it would be. She's starting to feel like a bitch and not in a good way. That boy can really suck the fun outta anything.
She gets to school on Monday and nothing's changed. Seriously, who does a girl have to do to get some respect around here?
He hasn't told anyone.
He won't even look at her, which she totally wouldn't care about except that what's the point in sleeping with him if he isn't going to tell anyone? How is that going to get her Head Cheerleader?
It's after lunch when she finally figures out that he is ashamed. Well fuck him, except never again. She doesn't need this shit.
He's such an idiot.
Rachel acted like it was no big deal, but it is a big deal. It was. Or it was supposed to be. Puck would call him a pussy and maybe he is 'cos he likes the feelings, the tingles and the butterflies and all that stuff.
He's not a 'player', obviously because now he feels like some stupid man whore who apparently sleeps with girls he's not even dating. Girls he doesn't even like and who definitely don't like him.
Maybe it makes him a total girl, but he wanted it to be special. He wanted it to mean something. He thought he would feel different, cool or grown up or like a stud or something, instead he just feels like a big dumb baby who is like, giving all his firsts away.
And then he lied to Rachel about it, right to her face and he doesn't even really know why.
He doesn't tell anyone. Maybe if he ignores it hard enough it will go away, like it never happened. Then he sees Santana in the hall and he can't even look at her.
She stalks up to him all predatory and Santana her Cheerio skirt flouncing. He wants to take a step back but she only moves in closer, invading his space and touching his arm.
"Sorry," he says and they've done this before that night that they are never mentioning again. He wants to apologise, to say something that isn't totally cliché and make things better somehow. What comes out is:
"Look, Santana just, please don't…Please don't tell anyone about this."
She doesn't say anything. He feels bad. Like a total fucking dick but then Santana's got her bitch eyes on and he half expects her to like eviscerate him with her mind or something.
"Whatever," She says her words cold and filled with attitude, "we both got what we wanted."
Did they? Because he still feels like the same loser he did last week and it's funny that after the whole sex thing he feels a lot more like a kid than he has in a long time.
He tries to tell her that but she blows it off like it was nothing. Maybe for her it was.
Fine. Whatever.
It's good actually because now she doesn't need to feel bad about sending him away from her house Friday night like that dog she got for Christmas a few years ago. It didn't even do anything wrong, but she was like bored or whatever so it was off to the vet for an eternal nap.
He didn't actually say so, but being with him made her feel like some cheap slut and putting those words in his mouth makes it easier to hate him. It was her idea and that kind of makes it his fault too somehow.
He has horrible taste in women. Sure, Quinn is pretty, but Rachel? What is he like hotness impaired? Little drama queen should be thanking her, not giving her the death glare.
Stupid Finn. What kind of moron wants to be all in love girls who won't even put out when she is kind of a sure thing here? Seriously, who does a girl have to do to get some respect around here?
She refuses to feel rejected because she didn't even want him anyway and hating him gives her something to sink her teeth into. Like a project. Plus it's fun.
He'll never understand Santana.
Or maybe he does. Maybe she's a lot like him, just a kid. That night after, she seemed so small somehow. And young. She acts so grown up and mature and stuff that sometimes it's easy to forget that she's actually a couple days younger than him.
For her sake he hopes that she's not like him. If she really is a manipulative bitch who is all like dead inside at least she doesn't have to feel like this because he feels like shit. He'd like to spare her that at least.
He's just a stupid boy, emphasis on stupid. She's Santana, she's a bitch and she's awesome and she doesn't cry over things people say about her, especially not stupid boys. But it's like he sees right through her, knows all her secrets; that's the part that makes her cry.