Warning: this story isn't like twilight. It involves talking tomatoes, crazy mice, and bats.

Once upon a time, there lived a young vampire called Bella. She had a wonderful family of all vampires and lived with them in a crappy little crap town named Forks. She often asked herself, why not Spoons? So one day, she decided to overtake the town and rename it Spoons, the most underappreciated of all eating utensils. Getting back on track, her family was not the most normal. There was Emmett, a 50 year old man-child, his wife, Rosalie, a pretty yet bitchy bitch. There was Carlisle, a doctor, who was great. There was Carlisle's wife, Esme, who was very nice and motherly. There was pretty Alice, who was pretty and wonderful and cute. And finally, there was Jasper, the best of them all. He was awesome and cool and smart and amazing and the best.

There were also the were-mice. They looked like normal humans most of the time, but them they turned into scary creatures that were more like rats than mice, but mice are cuter so we'll go with that. Anyway, the main were-mouse that we will be focusing on is a boy called Nikki. He was really awesome looking, loved tomatoes, had a British accent, kind of punk, kind of emo, but real happy all the time. Unfortunately for Nikki, his girlfriend was an evil, kniving ho who cheated on him a lot and used up all his money. Also, she stole his racecar bed! Poor little Nikki was always sad now. And the saddest part: he didn't even like girls! Poor little Nikki was gay!

One day, while Bella was out walking and eating a tomato, she saw a creepy looking dude. He walked up to her with a big creepy smile. "Hi, I'm Edward."

"Aaahhh don't rape me! Help! He's going to rape me! Rape police!"

"What? I'm not going to rape you! Don't you think I'm pretty!" Bella didn't hear him, as she was too busy running in circles and screaming. Giving up, Edward left.

A few days later, Edward returned. He popped out from behind a tree with a stick and was all hiyah, making Bella drop her tomato. "What the hell are you doing you tardo! Look what you did to my poor, precious tomato! It was innocent! Innocent I say! You murderer!"

"Your dad says that if you don't go out with me, you're grounded!"

"You can't make me!" With that, she turned into a bat and flew away.

When she returned home, her family was waiting for her. "Bella, what did you say to that nice boy?"

"He's hot!"

"Quiet, Rosalie. Now, answer the question Bella."

"I told him he couldn't make me go out with him and you can't either! I refuse the go out with a murderer!"

"Murderer?"

"He murdered my sweet little tomato! That tomato had hopes and dreams!"

"Bella, it was just a tomato…"

"God Jasper shut your face!"

"No one asked you Emmett! Stay out of it!" Emmett raised his fist to punch Jasper in the face, but Jasper stopped him.

"I swear to god, if you do it, I'm telling everyone about your dolls!"

"You bitch!"

The two started fighting, so the rest of the family, successfully distracted from the task at hand, moved into different rooms and went about their business.

Three days later, Bella was on a miserable date with Edward. They were at a restaurant. The waiter arrived after a few minutes in hell. "May I take your orders?"

"Tomatoes. Lots of them. And make it snappy!" One hour later, Jasper came to pick them up. A girl started looking at him in a not-very-subtly flirtatious way. She also pulled her shirt down slightly to show her cleavage. "Uhh, no thanks mam, I'm actually gay." When the three of them left, Bella and Edward confused when they saw a girl crying in a corner.

As they were on their way home, Bella started to feel a strange sensation. She felt the way she'd always imagines tomatoes would feel. She tasted tomatoes. Then, she was a tomato! Holy frick! She couldn't talk or move. When they realized Bella had disappeared, all that was left of her was her tomato. Or so they thought…