Hunger Games Shocker! Exclusive in the WEEKLY MIDNIGHT SLANDER! Jealousy, violence, a knockdown dragout fight between two of the movie series biggest stars! An insider tells all.
By now you've read all the press agent baloney about how everyone was so nice and friendly on the set of the hunger games movies. Well, I can tell you that one of those films was the scene of anger, jealousy and and an all out brawl between two of the franchises biggest stars. I know, I was there.
Call me Mellow. For obvious reasons, I won't reveal my true name, but I'm an actor, and mellow is what people call me.
I know it sounds exciting, being a professional actor, but while we all dream of performing with Brando in the Godfather, or Duke Wayne in True Grit, we spend most of our time scratching out a living doing info-mercials that air at 3 in the morning.
It was while waiting to audition for one such job that a friend came running up to me, panting, toung hanging out and out of breath "mello" he barked out, "contact your agent right away, that hunger games role you wanted is available". "Don't jerk me around dog" I hissed back," everyone knows that role went to two-face" (as we'll call him)." No"! my freind yelped, "he wasn't right for the role, the part is open, get hold of your agent now". "Thanks" I replied," despite our differences, your a true friend, I won't forget this".
A quick flight and a brief audition later, and I had landed the role of a lifetime. Soon I was right in the swing of things, getting along with the other actors and everyone else on the set. Then one lunch break, while chowing down on some tuna, I suddenly felt a pinching pain in my back. I was being bitten. Franticaly kicking out with my back legs, I whirled to face my attacker. I recoginized him instatnly, half his face coverd with dark fur, half with white. "Two face!" I cried, "what are you doing here"?
"You know perfectly well why I'm here" he hissed, "the buttercup role was mine, and you stole it from me." Trying to avoid a fight, I sought to calm him down. "No, two-face, you got it all wrong, I had nothing to do with you loosing that role, if you have a problem, take it up with Su..." and befor I could finish my sentence, two-face was leaping at me, claws out, ears back, ready for a fight.
Well, if he wanted a fight, I would sure give him one. Running under him, I flipped him over by his back legs. Then, befor he could straighten up, I turned and let him have it with both paws, left-right, left-right, untill he ran away. We never saw him again, and we were much better off for it.
After that things went pretty smoothly, (except of course for the real life tragedy you probably know about, a moment of silence)... I had the privilege of being in a devastatingly emotional scene with one of America's top actresses, though you will have to wait till November 2015 to see it.
Its back to business as usual now, I am currently doing an ad for a food product that is neither as fancy nor as much of a feast as its makers would have you believe, but I will always have the memories (not to mention the residuals) that come from staring in a great and successful movie franchise.
And I didn't forget my promise to my canine friend, I got him a small role, sniffing through the rubble of district 12 early in the first Mockingjay picture.
Oh, and two-face, if you ever feel the need for another beat-down, just let me know, I'm looking forward to it. Punk!
(note: the preceding interview was done using the new Macroshlock 2015 Cat-to-English translator)