Remus knew he was stupid to come back here. But he was out of cash, again, and out of firewhisky, which he needed. There would be firewhisky here, he knew. Sirius always made sure – no don't, don't think about him. Just get in, get the firewhisky, and get out.
He entered the kitchen and immediately regretted it. Never before had he seen the room so empty. It was always full of loud, passionate witches and wizards. They had held nearly every meeting in this kitchen. Now every table, every chair, every stool, every corner was bare.
He was alone. They were all dead, or, (he thought of Sirius) gone. Had Sirius even ever been there? It didn't matter now, he supposed. Yes, Remus Lupin was completely and entirely alone. Except for the now ever present bottle of firewhisky.
Remus emptied the cache behind the cabinet of its bottles of alcohol and surprised himself by sitting in the corner. He should probably check himself into St. Mungo's as a masochist. Anyone in his right mind would get the hell out of there. But he just couldn't tear himself away from the tragic sight before him, he could not derail the thought-train heading for depression, he couldn't do anything but drink his troubles away.
Sighing, he brought the bottle to his lips another time. There were no words to describe this kind of grief. There was no end to a pain this deep.
There, in that little alcove, was where he, James, Peter, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas… and, yes, of course he was there too…had met with Dumbledore for the first time. They were only halfway through 7th year, barely of age, and Dumbledore wanted them to join the order.
It was at that table that Benjy Fenwick had brought them information on You Know Who's movements. They had planned their first ever mission. It had gone well, not too well, but well. He had paired with Benjy himself along with Dung.
Here was where he had felt rush of fighting for a good cause, of accomplishing something worthwhile, of knowing he was doing something good. He really didn't stand a chance, he had been an instant addict.
Mission after mission. Raid after raid. Rally after rally. Duel after duel. As it got more dangerous, the rush became more addicting. And now, Remus supposed, he was suffering from withdrawal and disillusionment.
As Remus helped himself to a second bottle his eyes lit on the fireplace. He had flooed through there more times than he could count. He had watched many friends and allies enter and exit through there. Good news had been brought through that hearth. Bad news had been relayed through that chimney. But it wasn't any of those memories that struck Remus. It was one much more painful because it had been such a joyous memory at the time: Engaged.
Lily Evans was to marry her childhood enemy and 7th year sweetheart. James was to marry his adolescent crush and the woman of his dreams. Moody called it foolish. Alice called it wonderful. Everyone agreed it was crazy. They spoke about their future, a future full of hope in a new world. James and Lily deserved, more than any of them, a happily ever after. But they would never have a future, because they were dead. They died protecting what mattered most to them: their child, their future.
Remus let out a dry sob. Emmeline: dead. Benjy: hopefully dead. Marlene, along with her entire happy family: dead. Dorcas: dead. Edgar and his family: dead. Caradoc: dead. Fabian: dead. Gideon: dead. Alice and Frank: better off dead. Peter: dead. James and Lily: dead.
Every one of them deserved life more than he. They had futures. They had hope. They had families and loved ones. They deserved to be sitting here. Not him. Why the hell was he, of all them, left alive?
"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." Remus wept between gulps.
Remus jumped. There was a shadow, right there, he could have sworn… He sighed and looked skeptically at the now empty bottle. "You're playing tricks with my mind. I know you are. Please stop."
He opened a third bottle, a normal bloke would be too wasted to sit upright, much less see things that weren't there at this point. Unfortunately Remus had grown up a Marauder and he couldn't seem to reach the 'pass out on the floor' stage fast enough. Remus stopped remembering and began to re-live.
Frank was happily rubbing Alice's baby-bump in the doorway. Moody was barking orders from the front of the room. Elphias Dodge was grinning at him through the window. The Prewett twins were guffawing in the corner. Aberforth's burly build cast a shadow across the whole floor. Arabella Figg and Dedalus Diggle placed biscuits and tea on the table.
Remus shut his eyes tight but the images still flowed into his mind. Minerva McGonagall's crack of a smile at seeing her former students return safe from a mission. Hagrid's insistence that dragons would aid them. Sturgis Podmore's efficient way of whistling to quiet down the younger members.
James and Lily: smiling, planning, sharing loving glances, asking questions and giving input, holding hands under the table. In his mind's eye Lily smiled at him and James clapped him on the shoulder.
"No, no, it's not possible." It was an understatement to say they were 'full of life and love.' They ate, slept, breathed life and love. Their life filled love and love filled lives were infectious. It seemed to contradict nature that they were dead.
"Don't, don't. Please, stop looking at me like that. It should have been me. I know it should have been me. Please, please forgive that I live while you are gone. Look at the state I'm in! I might as well be dead. I've never been worth anything. I have no future. I am nothing."
Remus wrenched his eyes open and reached for bottle number 'I've lost count.' No one was here. Not really. The doorway was empty. Every stool was bare. He was completely alone.
James would hate to see him like this, he knew. There was probably some way he could turn this into a valuable lesson: to decide to live in his friends' steads. But he couldn't do that. How could his life even begin to compare to the lives of his friends?
"Don't ask me, Prongs. Don't ask me what I'm going to do now. Don't look so disappointed when I tell you I'm going to waste away in a ditch somewhere. Don't ask me if your death meant anything. I can't answer that question, Prongs, only your son can. He's the Boy Who Lived. He is our hope for the future. I am not needed, not wanted, I will fade as I should have many, many years ago."
As he finished the last bottle from the cache Remus felt his eyes droop closed. Good. I can finally sleep. The last thing he saw before he passed out was the empty chairs and empty tables where his friends would meet no more.
A/N: Hello again. So guess what my fav movie from 2012 was? Les Mis... that's right! Again read and review! And, as always, I wouldn't have posted this without Alexiroseni.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. JKR owns Harry Potter, Remus Lupin etc. And the song "Empty Chairs and Empty Tables" belongs to Victor Hugo, Claude-Michel Schonberg and Universal