Author's Note: I've had an itch to write another PD drabble and this is the result! This is set sometime between season 1 and 2. I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I do not own Penny Dreadful in any way; I'm just a simple fan.
"Have you ever been in love?"
The question startled them both. Ethan frowned, as if shocked by his own words, and Vanessa looked at him in surprise. She wondered what made him ask that. They had been sitting in the parlor, idly chatting about their days and keeping each other company when he broached the subject.
"No," Vanessa replied simply. The answer made her squirm with embarrassment; she was not particularly proud of her relationship history.
"Really?" He raised an eyebrow and gave her a searching look. "I find that hard to believe."
"Why?"
"Because you're a beautiful, intelligent, captivating woman," Ethan answered. The words made her skin burn with pleasure and she couldn't stop herself from smiling at him.
"You certainly know how to flatter a woman Mister Chandler," Vanessa grinned.
"You must have had men vying for your attention," he insisted. "Surely you had past romances."
"Not particularly," she shrugged. "I was overshadowed by Mina. She was a true beauty while I was an awkward girl with skinny legs. It was impossible not to fall in love with her. She had this…well, light, that drew men to her." Mina had always possessed a quality that eluded Vanessa, a sweetness that was completely foreign to her. When she had been younger, she had been envious of her. Now Vanessa only mourned the loss of her dearest friend.
"It wasn't intentional," she explained; Vanessa didn't want to give Ethan the wrong impression. "I doubt she realized that I felt fairly inadequate next to her. Had she known, she would have done anything to make me feel better."
"I don't think you see yourself as others do," Ethan said after a moment of silence. "I'm sure that your friend was beautiful, but I doubt that she could compare to you. Hell, you were the only reason I agreed to join you and Sir Malcolm on that cold night long ago. When we first met, your gaze was penetrating in a way that's damn near indescribable. You were, well, fascinating. I wanted to know more about you."
It was curious to hear him describing their encounter. In truth, Vanessa thought she had a coldness in her that made her off-putting. "I can't speak to men," Vanessa stated without sadness. "Not in the way women are meant to. I've had…dalliances, intrigues, but that honest connection, love, eludes me. I thought…" Dorian flashed in her mind and she sighed.
Dorian Gray had been the closest she had come to falling in love. She had been intrigued by his every look and word, eager to spend time with him in any capacity, anxious whenever his skin brushed hers. They had been a well matched pair in many ways. Vanessa had always felt out of place; the darkness in her soul weighed on her heavily and she could not hide from the ugliness inside her. However, Dorian had looked at her as if he could see each dirty thought and sin and he had still found her beautiful. He seemed to understand her, to fully see her, and he had wanted her in spite of it all. She had seen him as well. Despite his wealth and beauty, Dorian was just as damaged as she was. She had seen the pain in him, the need for understanding and companionship. For a little while Vanessa had believed that she had found her partner and they could forge a future together.
However, their night together had proved her wrong. It had been primal, vicious, oh so satisfying, and it had scared her more than she would ever say. She didn't want her ugliness to spread and consume her; she wanted something more.
"I wish I had what you had with Brona," she mused. Ethan stiffened at the name but otherwise didn't react. "Every time you said her name, you had the softest look in your eyes."
"You'll find it," Ethan said gruffly. His eyes were dark, clouded with pain and sadness, and Vanessa could see that he was struggling to control himself. She ached for her friend; she wished that she could absorb his sorrow, take away that pain that clearly tormented him, but unfortunately there was nothing she could do.
"Love is so commonplace in novels and poetry," Vanessa said softly. "People use the word so much that it has become mundane, but in actuality love is extremely rare."
"It doesn't come when you expect it," Ethan mumbled. "It always comes when you're unprepared."
"You have to be prepared?"
"Love has a way of ripping your heart and tearing it into thin ribbons. It burrows into your skin, curls itself around you, and you can't escape it. When you're happy it feels like it gives energy to your whole body and you wonder how you ever lived without it." He was looking away and Vanessa could see his jaw clench. "Then when it ends, whether it's taken away or it fades, it leaves an empty void and you can't fix it. If you're not prepared, a broken heart will destroy you."
"How do you prepare?" Vanessa wondered.
"You appreciate what you have while you have it. Don't question it, don't over think it, just know that life has granted you a gift for a little while." He ran his hand through his hair. "When I met Brona, I didn't think that I would fall in love with her. She was just a pretty girl, fun to talk to, interesting, you know? Maybe have some good times with her before I went back on the road with the show. But before I knew it, I was completely captivated. Falling in love with her was one of the best things to happen to me, even if losing her nearly broke me."
"But it's worth it?" she questioned and she watched his face closely. Ethan smiled, a sad smile, and nodded.
"Yes," he answered firmly. "It's always worth it." The two sat in a companionable silence while rain pounded outside.
"I think I could have loved Dorian," Vanessa said after a while. Ethan slightly jolted beside her but didn't say anything. "But if I had given it, I would have destroyed myself. I know that as surely as I know there is a God. Those feelings opened up the darkness inside me, as you well know. Perhaps I'm destined to walk in solitude." That thought had been festering in her mind for weeks.
"I don't think so," Ethan argued. "You are not dark Vanessa. You're human, with flaws and goodness and needs, and I think that you are too hard on yourself. You are not destined for darkness. He was just the wrong person."
The two looked at each other. Vanessa tried to find words to respond but she couldn't. Instead she slowly reached for his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. His hands were rough and his calluses scratched her skin, but they were warm and comforting, and Vanessa squeezed his fingers tightly. Ethan returned the gesture.
"I'm glad that we met," she admitted. "It is hard now to imagine a life without you."
"I know what you mean," Ethan said and he smiled at her.
"Let's hope that we both find what we're looking for."
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