I can't take it anymore.
He glanced toward the trembling, chocolate-haired woman, his eyes downcast, his throat dry. The words he wanted so badly to say were like a ten ton weight on his child tongue, flattening it into the very pit of his mouth.
She looked awful. Worn with pain, distraught with the disappointment of another disappearance of the man she loved so much- a man who did not deserve such a good girl's concern. Her head was tipped... no, rendered in a hang. Her eyes were unable to open all the way due to the tears that kept building inside and trailing down the sides of her thin facial structure. She didn't frown, nor smile sadly; it seemed it was all too much.
For both of them.
Bulky spectacles stole the pallid rays of moonlight filtering in through the broad window. He cocked his head up at her, addressing her without due respect. "Ran." His voice was soft.
She turned the drippy depths toward the source of the solemn voice, her eyes widening slightly before falling closed once more. She sniffled quietly as she bitterly wiped away a stream of tears from her cheeks. "C... Conan-kun," she stammered, attempting to sound stern and yielding.
"Iie... Ran. Don't waste your time telling me that I should be calling you 'nee-chan'. Listen to me." He told her firmly. His voice was frighteningly solemn, taking her by surprise with ease as an expression of daunting maturity surfaced in his eyes.
"Conan-kun-" Her eyes widened in shock, a few final tears emerging. She lifted a hand to wipe them away, and he stood on the tips of his small red sneakers, grabbing her wrist and slowly guiding it to rest in her skirted lap.
His blue eyes were narrowed determinedly, but behind that fiery determination was a world of fear... a world of hesitation and apprehension. He had no idea how this would go. He could end up getting kicked out, certainly, but that wasn't the worst of his fears. The Men in Black could somehow find out and come kill Ran... find Haibara... kill everyone else out of sheer paranoia.
Or, perhaps one of the worst possible circumstances, Ran would never want to see him again. All of their childhood memories would be worth nothing after how he had betrayed her trust.
He stared up at her, his lips moving, hardly forming the right words as the terror began to betray his confident voice, exposing a tremor. Ran frowned at him concernedly.
"Perhaps we should go to sl-" She cut herself off with yet another gasp as his mature tone spoke once more, catching her off guard.
"Listen." He swallowed, gripping her wrist in her lap, and she grunted, the last of her tears trailing down the sides of her face as she squinted.
"Conan-kun, you're acting strange," she commented worriedly, her eyebrows bridging over her moist blue eyes.
"That's not who I am," he said quietly, forcing himself to keep eye contact with her.
She didn't reply. She just stared at him, her pupils shrinking, eyes dilating in sheer horror.
He acquired a gulp of air, forcing himself to go on. "I've been lying to you. All this time, Ran. I'm sorry." His eyes began to waver, but Ran took no notice. She couldn't focus on anything except what he had just said. The statement ripped the wind right out of her, and left her there, her large eyes boring into him.
"Na... nani?" She implied breathlessly, barely able to speak. It was barely audable, but the stunned tone of her voice made him lower his head as painful guilt shot through his small body.
"Listen." He whispered, finding that his voice was getting lost. Small whimpering noises were involuntarily dribbling from the girl's trembling lips, her shoulders shaking as she stared at him. He couldn't even begin to place what emotion she was feeling. He didn't want to. It hurt too much. When it came down to how all of this affected Ran- and how it would affect Ran- he couldn't have been a bigger coward if he tried.
"I had no choice. I was never allowed to s-" He trailed off, his 's' ending with a prolongued hiss as his eyes widened, and he stared into her own. His irises shrunk, and he swallowed the lump in his throat... though in vain, for it only seemed to grow at her reaction. She couldn't listen right now. His sentence, however she may have suspected it, whatever she may have believed, obviously had put her into a bad position: practically over the edge. She wasn't hearing what he was saying now... he had pushed her off the end of the tether.
She simply sat there, her widened eyes growing larger still, beginning to sting now as his words repeated themselves in her head. "I've been lying to you all this time, Ran. I'm sorry." She honestly did not know how to feel. She didn't notice how badly she was shaking, how tightly her fingers gripped the seat of the chair as if holding on for her life. Again and again those tremors coursed through her stunned body, shaking her shoulders uncontrollably.
He didn't know what he could do now. He didn't know what he ishould/i do. There was no point in trying to explain anything to her now. She was as white as a ghost, and shaking.
She was shaking...? No! She was convulsing!
"Ran! Oi, Ran!" He grabbed her paling wrists once more, rattling them as he shouted up at her. "OI! OI!" He cried over and over.
Suddenly, she was slipping from the chair, and his efforts to prevent her from her collapsing were in vain. He felt his feet being lifted off the ground as he tumbled over with her, crashing into her torso as she hit the ground, cold sweat splashing to the floor. He gave a huge gasp as he jumped to his feet, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her, shaking her hard and insistently.
"RAN! RAN! SHIMATTA!" He pulled away, his eyes narrowing painfully, his fingers trembling as they gripped her own.
Kuso! I never meant for it to be like this! Ran...
His eyes wavered as he sat there, hate setting in, rattling his own trembling body violently. He looked up at the unconscious woman before him, her chocolate hair spilling over her white face, her arms rendered pitifully over her stomach. She was half-way on her side, her legs mended together, bent at the knee in a sloppy and restless position. She had to lay down. She'd be all right. Wouldn't she...?
Wouldn't she! Panic struck him like lightning, but he forced it out of his head as he seized her by her collar and, as gently as he could, dragged her over to the couch. He hoisted her up with much effort and a fair amount of grunting, and fled off to find a blanket.
Three hours later, the spotty image of a seriously worried Conan came into Ran's blurred view. A slight groan slipped from her lips as she dazedly lifted a hand to graze her clammy forehead. Was she... sick? She certainly felt sick. Her stomach gave an uncomfortable churn and she tilted her head to the side, blinking her weak eyes a few times, trying to get them to open a bit more.
"C... Conan-kun...?" She breathed. "M-misu, kudasai..."
He had to lean in to hear her, but he complied, turning on his heel and bolting off. A few minutes later he returned, breathing raggedly as he obediently handed her the requested bottle of water.
She tried to bring it to her lips, but failed. It fell to her side, a small quantity of the cool liquid leaking out of the capless top, moistening her blanketed stomach. She flinched slightly as the water seeped through the old blanket, and as she did so Conan offered his assistance. He leaned in, bringing the water bottle to her lips and tilting it so that it flowed past her parted lips. After she had wetted her throat, she smiled weakly at him, her eyes still unable to open all the way.
"Domo... Conan-kun."
He sighed, pulling back to watch her with those attentive eyes. His eyes were still, but the sadness and concern he was feeling inside was evident nonetheless, reaching out at her and only her. He couldn't go into depth with it now. Perhaps it'd be best to never tell her. What if it killed her? Normally he was able to think rationally, but Ran's reaction had really caught him off guard.
"Sleep some more... Ran." He told her in his worried-little-boy voice.
"C-Conan-kun?" Her eyes narrowed weakly as a cold bead of sweat rolled down the side of her face. "Ne... daijoubu desu ka?"
"Nothing, Ran... nee-chan," he replied half-heartedly, still watching her.
"Tell me," she said weakly. "Tell me who Conan-kun really is." Her eyebrows were neutral, quivering slightly above her strengthlessly half-lidded eyes, her mouth no more than a barely curved line.
He stared at her, a bead of his own hesitant sweat trickling down his cheek. He leaned forward, resting one hand on her own, on top of the blankets, making her eyes widen slightly. With his other hand, he removed his glasses.
"Ran, please... try to listen."
An elongated gasp traveled from her lips into the air as her eyes gradually grew wider.
"Dame!" He exclaimed, his grip on her hand tightening. "Please. It hurts. I know... I know it hurts you, too... so much. But you have to be strong, Ran. You have to listen to me. You need to know the whole thing."
Her eyes were wavering, but she continued to watch him, waiting. Listening.
"I... I had no choice. I had no choice in who I wanted to tell. Agasa Hakase said that if I said a word to anyone, the Organization might track me down and kill me. Or worse..." His gaze narrowed dramatically. "Kill you."
A gasp of a sob bounced off of her lips, her eyebrows slowly bridging.
Sighing through his nose, he continued, his eyes shutting for a minute before opening once more, a solemn look grasping the shocked innocence of his boyish face. Conan was gone. Shin'ichi was standing there in his stead, explaining himself in a shrunken body, staring at her, holding her hand.
"You found out so many times. And I lied to you. When you saw both me and Conan at the same time, it was usually either someone playing Conan or someone playing me." He paused, wondering if she had any sort of reply to all of this.
She didn't. She just lay there, staring at him intently. He was unable to identify what emotions were zipping through her head. Seeing no better option, he continued.
"I couldn't tell you. I'd never be able to forgive myself if you died. I hated watching you cry, but I had no choice. This part will be hard for you to hear. There are others that know. Hattori found out a while back, Agasa informed my parents, and... Ai knows, as well. She is trying to come up with an-"
"Liar." She said clearly, at last.
"Ran." His pupils contracted sharply as he stared at her, his breath catching in his chest.
"You have the nerve to lie to me again." She shot up suddenly, her nostrils flaring, her eyes narrowing as her hands balled into fists. "Making up this fairy tale and expecting me to believe it to be a cover up for all of your lies! Making me wait, taking baths with me, stalking me, hugging me! I...I held you like a little kid, for gosh sake! Ch...chikan, you make me sick!" One fist launched outward suddenly, slicing cleanly through the air and sending his glasses propelling into a wall, where they promptly shattered.
By now, he definitely had no breath left. He looked like someone had punched him in the gut as he staggered backward. "D...Dame... Ran! Just listen to me!"
"So you can lie to me some more! Shin'ichi... I cared about you! Do you know how many nights I spent awake in my bed crying... over a jerk like you!" Angry tears were forming in the corners of her eyes as she stood up, her shoulders raised, her head lowered, her eyes narrowed to furious slits as she glowered down at him. "I guess you do if you've been here all this time! I'll bet you were laughing! You thought it was funny to worry me sick over you when you were... right... here... all this time! Passing yourself off as a kid, then LYING straight to my face about it when I finally figured it out! KISAMA!"
Her foot came out in a sharp kick, only narrowly missing the top of his head. He yelped, jolting backward hastily as he turned around.
"I don't know how you got like that," she continued, furiously, "but I know I don't believe that crap you just told me!"
"Demo... It's true!" He stopped suddenly in his tracks, slowly tilting his head over his shoulder, looking at her.
"Uso! Urusai! I don't want to hear it anymore! I don't!"
"Ran."
"IIE! I don't want to listen! I'm... done... listening! I'm done listening to your lies, Shin'ichi! I trusted you... and I thought that now I might finally get an expl-"
"BAAROU!" The boy shouted suddenly, pivoting sharply as he turned to face her with slitted eyes. "Do you really expect the truth to be logical when I shrunk! How the hell is that logical, Ran!" He yelled with a fierce snarl.
Her arms fell limply to her sides at his words, and the anger slowly lifted from her face. Now that she thought about it...
"That night... at Tropical Land." His voice lowered, his eyes still narrowed, but not so much from frustration now. His fists were tensed at his sides, and he stared her down as he continued to explain. "Those two guys I followed... the ones dressed in black. They were doing something illegal, so I watched..."
"BAKA! Isn't that what I told you? I told you that if you-"
"URUSAI!" He shouted fiercely, the volume of his young voice skyrocketing again.
She glared at him, squinting slightly, her feet spread apart beneath her.
"I got caught." He said simply, a cold and humorless smirk running across his lips. "I got caught by the taller one and he hit me with something and I fell down. Then he and his partner fed me a strange pill that was supposed to kill me. It backfired and it turned me into Conan." He paused. "Now, look, you of all people should know that I would normally think this was a load of shit... but it's not. It's true. I kept wanting to wake up and have this all be a dream, but the fact is that it's not! The fact is is that Haibara can't find an antidote for me...!" He gritted his teeth. "I don't know if you believe me, and I can't make you believe me. But I've finally told you. And that's the truth."
"Then explain why you never told me, Shin'ichi."
The corner of his mouth twitched slightly. "I already told you. I couldn't."
"Since when do you tell Hakase before me! We're supposed to be friends, you jerk!" She exclaimed, clearly still quite angry.
He sighed exasperatedly. "Ano-"
"And why did you stay with me? Why'd you have to stay with me? Why not Agasa Hakase, who you can apparently trust more? You don't think I can protect myself!" She spat venemously, feeding the growing fire of rage building up inside her.
He shut his eyes wearily, the smirk disappearing, replaced instead by a bitter scowl. "Occhan is a detective. Hakase and I agreed that I might be able to find a league on the Men in Black. Agasa said I couldn't stay with him, don't ask me why!" He opened one eye irritably.
She finally sighed, her eyebrows bridging as she looked down. "Mou! Didn't you care when I was sitting here, crying for no reason, when you were... right here?"
"... Baarou. Of course I did. I wanted to tell you so badly, but those men-"
"So that's what your 'case' was." She said with irritable cynicism, as if only just now acknowledging this.
"Do you understand now, Ran?" He asked, his eyebrows raising questionably.
"Iie." Her eyes narrowed suddenly, toward him. "Shin'ichi. I think you need to leave. Now. I need to think about this, and make a decision on whether I actually want to see your lying face ever again. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you went overboard!" She started to fluster. "You... you slept in the same bed as me, and took baths with me! And... and...! I... I confided in you, believing that you were just an abnormally smart little boy named Edogawa Conan! I told you secrets! And...and even held you in my lap! Doesn't that seem a little far to you!" She glared at him, still frowning.
"Of course it does. What choice did I have in the matter?"
"You could have played your kid act better! You indulged too much!"
"Baka! You didn't give me a choice! And what was I supposed to do all those times you were upset, let you sit there and cry?"
"It would have been better than lying repeatedly!"
He sighed, tiring of this bickering. "Ran-"
"No. I don't want to hear it anymore. I really don't. Now please, Shin'ichi, Itte!" She threw a pointer finger toward the door, her eyes sealed, narrowed. "I don't think you understand how serious this is... how much this has really affected our relationship." Her eyebrows furrowed before she continued. "Whatever was made out of it."
"Sou." He said, pivoting on his heel. He turned his back to her, his eyes half-lidding darkly as his emotions spilled out onto the floor without his knowing. He became empty as he walked toward Mouri Detective Agency's front door. "Sayonara, Ran." This would be it. He had no desire in the world to cause her so much pain, and now, it didn't take a detective to see that his best move now was to just leave. "To... gomen."
The door closed behind him.
The girl watched the boy leave, overflowing with a series of mixed emotions. Conan and Shin'ichi. Both were gone from her life now. The same emptiness clawed at her stomach, making her knees go weak and buckle until she fell down. Her eyes drooped half-way closed, tears welling up within them. Was this really the end...?
She lifted her head. "C-Conan! ...Shin'ichi..." Her eyes sprang open. "Shin'ichi! ...SHIN'ICHI! MATTE! SHIN'ICHI! CHOTTO MATTE! ONEGAI!" She leaped to her feet, darting madly across the tile floor, flipping open the door and running downstairs. She nearly trampled a downhearted little boy as she looked up from the bottom of the stairs, her breasts heaving as she stared up at him, her eyes slightly narrowed.
"Ran?" He questioned, blinking his saddened eyes at her.
"I... I don't want you to leave. Whether he was fake or not, you can't just take Conan-kun away from me. You may have made him up, but he was still a very good friend to me. And he was there for me when no one else was. That means-" Her eyes narrowed further, and she determiendly stared up at him, "You were still there. Even if you lied... I guess it's easier to forgive you when I remember how much I love you. Even now, after all of this... you've always been there. Always." Her eyes spawned several tears, and she sniffed.
Staring at her, bewildered, he descended several steps, a wistful smile tracing over his lips. He raised a hand to her cheek, wiping away her tears with that little smile. "Arigatou, Ran... demo... I think we both know that I've overstayed my welcome here. Even if you want me to stay, I think it really would be best if I... if I leave. And... we stop talking to each other." He looked into her watering eyes. "Despite what we may want, you and I both know I did go out of line, enough to have earned myself such a punishment as never speaking to you again. I really don't want to hurt you. But, you know, I don't know if I ever got to tell you... I've..."
His cheekbones colored as he gently stroked her own supple cheek, continuously wiping away tears with a gentle finger. "I...I love you. I have ever since..." He gave a small chuckle, his eyes shutting briefly before opening to reveal misty blue eyes, "a really long time ago. Can you blame me for wanting to know if you felt the same?" He presented her with a wink, lowering his hand.
She let out a sob, lips trembling as she grabbed his wrist as his hand lowered, "Shin'ichi... please! Please don't leave me. I forgive you... I forgive you!"
"Iie... I won't accept it. I need to leave now, Ran. But I do want you to remember me... so..." He raised up onto the balls of his sneakers, his eyes shutting tightly as his lips puckered, pressing against the flushed, tear stained surface of her cheek, a slight smacking sound present as he pulled away with a lopsided half-smile. "Ai shiteru."
He pulled away from her, dodging her as he jogged down the stairs, leaving her in a collapsed, crying mess as she grasped her cheek.
The door closed, and Ran wailed, her eyes shut as tears flooded and soaked her shirt, her legs sprawled out over several stairs. She stretched out over the stairs, burying her head in her arms and crying.
"B-baka! How could I ever forget you, Shin'ichi!"
AN: Okay, first of all, I know it's not an original idea. I wrote this listening to some depressing .Hack instrumental version after watching the second movie and deciding I wanted to do a quick estimation of what would happen when/if Conan tells her, how she'd react...how HE'D conclude it all, if he'd finally stop being a damn bastard about it all, etc...so, here's the result. The only reason it's up here, and you can praise my darling, Kichi, for editing it and taking time to beta-read it so that it's not so damn distracting with non-dialogue content and...the whatnot. Uhyeah. Here's a vocab list, you Japanese impaired losers. :D Just kidding. Please don't hit me. Sorry if it gets really repetetive...it's only up here 'cause my darlin' told me that it was awesome, so I decided...ah, hell, why not. Oh, don't flame me for my vocabulary, my story, things mean what I want them to mean. I tried to stay faithful to their meanings, though, I also tried to stay partial to what Ran and Shin'ichi would say :D;.
Iie: No
Nee-chan: Sister
Nani: What
Oi: Hey
Shimatta: Shit
'Kuso: Damn
Baarou: Idiot/Moron/stupid(Shin'ichi uses this A LOT)
Uso: Liar/lies!
Urusai: Shut up
Dame: No(with a lot more feeling...or "Bad!" but that sounds weird, so just suffice it as "no" with a lot more feeling, like "No way)
Baka: Stupid/idiot/moron(everyone else uses this, Shin'ichi/Conan pretty much says "Baarou" instead o-o)
Hakase: Professor
Misu: Water
Kudasai: Please(example: "Itte, kudasai(go, please)
Onegai: Please(example: "Onegai! Yamate!(Please! Stop!)" See...? There's a difference )
Demo: But
Arigatou: Thank you
Chikan: Pervert
To: And("And...gomen nasai" sounds really bad to me so I used the Japanese word for "and")
Ai Shiteru: I Love You
Ano: Well,
Occhan: Uncle(Conan calls Kogorou this)
Daijoubu Desu Ka: Is Something Wrong?(I know it means "Are you all right", tough shit)
Matte: Wait!
Chotto Matte: Wait a moment!
Itte: Go!