Summary: Ron takes up half the van, Dumbledore chops up his beard, and two Cedrics and a Hellhound fight for Harry's affections. Pure and utter AU crack.
A/N: Go Ahead, I'm Dreaming Now turned out a lot more like a parody than I intended. This story is not only a way for me to fuel my insanity, but also so that a nightmare that has kept me awake more than once isn't so scary. The chapters are not long, yet, but the updates should be quick.
Warnings: Crack, Slash, Language. The usual. Possible blood and guts. Donuts.
This story begins – or, rather, the part where we all clue in at – with Harry stuck between a rock and a hard place. Actually, our most beloved and wonderful Harry Potter was stuck between a dead man, a boy who couldn't possibly be real, and an insane dog-like monster that wanted to eat his ankles. Or something. Even though, really, none of this should be possible in a sane world.
But whoever said that it was possible for Harry-frickin'-Potter to exist in a sane world? It's quite possible that his mere existence has a tendency to throw everything good and holy out of whack, and thus the means of fixing said everything good and holy that are out of whack fall onto his shoulders.
But, back to Harry being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It is easy to assume that the whole disaster started when Dumbledore turned to Harry, Ron, Hermione and Minerva and said "Hey guys! You know what would be a fun vacation? SAVING THE WORLD IN A MINI-VAN THAT EATS GAS." Yes, had he been an internet loser like the author he probably would have put many, many smiles.
Harry, Ron and Hermione would've had a lot of exclamation points.
Not that they got much choice. They were fated to have to go and get rid of the wannabe Lord Voldemort's whores…horcruxes, horcruces? It didn't matter. They had to get rid of them. And, as mentioned before, the saving of the world is always left to Harry. Not that he really minds, being the natural Hero we all know him as.
Ah, but I digress. Really, it goes back farther than the moment when they all piled into the worn van Albus had convinced Ron's parents to let them use -- nobody was quite sure how he accomplished this feat exactly, but no-one bothered to ask.
It began, as Harry will realize, with a handsome boy – as it always does. Actually, there were two handsome boys overall. One, Harry liked quite a bit; the other…well, no-one liked him, and no-one did even now when he was an older, uglier man…
Tom Riddle had been intelligent and talented and good-looking and everything that everyone wanted. He had held his head up as high as it could be without hurting his neck, and was convinced that he was, overall, superior to the entirety of humanity. Tom had been an intellectually proficient student and disgustingly polite to the point where all of his teachers seem to gush over him – willingly – including, though he was ashamed to admit it, Albus Dumbledore.
Tom was one of those who were 'gifted' – gifted with the sight that allowed him to see the magic as he flowed around them and gifted with the weaving of said magic to create and, mostly in dear Tom's case, destroy. Like all the things he did in his life, Tom Riddle was beyond excellent with his control of the magical realm that surrounded them and pretty much dictated society's common day. He became consumed with this particular ability and, like all power-hungry assholes, went insane.
And for every villain, there are about three heroes per milli-thought of evil (Hermione worked it out once, much to Ron and Harry's disgust) and, predictably, Tom Riddle – now Lord Voldemort – had many, many milli-thoughts of evil. You'd figure that good would ultimately outnumber evil, no matter how many other evil people were having milli-thoughts of aforementioned evil while following said evil lord.
Unfortunately, as in the above paragraph, there was far too much evil and many heroes died.
Sobering for a moment, let me tell you that Harry's parents were two of these heroes, as was his Godfather (aw gee, well that's three heroes gone. You'd think they'd take the milli-thought of evil with them.) which, of course, makes Harry a very tragic hero. As I'm sure the reader is very well aware, tragic heroes are the most brilliant and powerful heroes.
Voldemort, unfortunately, had too much evil in him to contemplate the construction of a brilliant and powerful hero. He, of course, caused great Tragedy with a capital 't' in Harry's life, and all mathematical, fantastical equations aside, screwed himself over.
But that is a story for a later chapter.
The other good-looking boy is, surprisingly, far more important in this particular tale than any insane super-villain or worn-out van or brilliant and powerful hero. This other good-looking boy is, no surprise gasps, please, a hero in his own right.
Cedric Diggory was dead before Harry had even begun to use his overall tragic-ness to fight against Lord Voldemort, which, sadly, made him a tragic hero himself. Except, aha, he was dead and could apparently do nothing to help Harry Save the World. So, poor, sweet, charming, incredibly hot Cedric Diggory was left to float about in the after-life (which, actually, makes no sense since he was dead) of his particular religion, moody and guilty and quite vexing to his other deceased relatives (most of whom were quite old, since the Diggorys were a very lucky family and usually lived to ripe old ages).
Needless to say, Cedric didn't very much like death, but he wasn't about to fight against the powers-that-be and try to escape his particular doom. No, fate was fate, and if he was meant to be dead, so be it. It was nice to see his great-Aunt Who-Cares again, anyways, even if she was far too doting and convinced that Cedric – dead, remember – was three-years-old, still.
Dear, dear readers, you knew all of this already to a certain degree. Cedric got into a very big, unlucky mess and winded up dead much to Harry's displeasure and pain – which added to his THP (Tragic Hero Power) and proved that Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort was losing his touch with the thwarting of any and all heroes. The details of this mess are Cedric's to tell, and Harry's to forget.
One thing this author will tell you, since she is an amazing gossip, is why this other good-looking boy is very, very important.
It is a tale all good HC shippers know quite well. Unfortunately, there is no prefect's bathroom in this story, but, it is tragic destiny and no amount of canon is going to deter insanity and doomed love.
The details of this secret romance was 'kept under the sheets' in more than one way, and following the fourteenth summer of Harry's life and into the late June catastrophe that brought about the death of our dearest Cedric, Cedric and Harry found themselves entangled in a mess of emotions and teenage hormones and downright alternative universe Destiny.
That's why, when the entire let's-save-the-world crew realized Harry's incredible ability with the same magic that stole away what should have been a long and fulfilling life for Cedric, Harry saved him.
If you could call it saving.