Title: Wish you were here
Plot: On the three year anniversary of loosing her unicorn baby, Amelia confesses her loss to Derek following a case that hits home hard. One- shot
So this is a little something that popped into my head and I just had to share because I really wish that Amelia had told Derek about her unicorn baby. I hope you enjoy and leave a review! Sending you all love and happiness!
Bold and Italics indicate Amelia's thoughts
Scene break- scene break
Starting quote: They say there's a reason... They say that time will heal, but neither time nor reason will change the way I feel. For no one knows the heartbreak that lies behind my smiles. Nobody knows how any times I've broken down a cried. I want to tell you something so there won't be any doubt, you are so wonderful to think of, but so hard to be without...
-Unknown
The beaming sun sets as Amelia and Derek sit in the attending's lounge at Grey Sloan. The pair simultaneously take a deep breath in and out. It was a welcome break after the physically and mentally draining day they'd had.
It was a day that started at 6:57am when a recovering drug addict, and new mother who was trying to turn her life around, was admitted into the hospital after suffering multiple seizures. After multiple scans they discovered that the woman had a aneurysm that needed to be clipped. The woman had coded three times on the table and yet somehow survived. Derek Amelia ended their working day at 7:58pm that evening when the woman was stable and safely in the neuro ICU.
"What a day hey?" Derek asks Amelia as he looks over to his sister. Amelia looks over to Derek and gives a small forced smile before beginning to break down. "Amelia, she survived. The mother survived and she's going to have a good life with her baby," Derek says. He hands Amelia a tissue and momentarily the room is met with silence, not a word spoken or a sound made by anyone.
"I know... I know that he mother survived. It's a great outcome, it's fantastic," Amelia says with hesitation in her voice.
"So what's wrong? Why are you so upset about this?" Derek asks confused.
If you only knew Derek... If only you knew...
"If there's something you want to say you can tell me. I'll always listen," Derek says. He looks at Amelia's eyes and he could tell that she was holding something back.
I need to tell him don't I? I've been keeping this a secret for three years now... Exactly three years to this day and it's been eating me alive. The guilt is consuming me.
"I just didn't think that situations like these ever had happy endings," Amelia confesses. She takes a deep breath and looks at the floor before looking back up at Derek.
Here goes nothing...
"Getting pregnant while high on drugs didn't have a happy ending for me, but for her it did," Amelia says crying. She pulls some more tissues from the table and blows her nose.
He looks confused, that much I can see on his face. He also looks shocked and very much so. I can tell he doesn't know what to think and that he wants more answers.
"Amy, what the hell are you talking about? What happened?" Derek asks confused by his sisters shocking revelation. So many questions were filling his head. Why didn't she tell him? When did this happen? What even happened?
"I.. I..." Amelia stumbles. Amelia chokes and the room once again was met with a moment of silence.
I don't know how to continue. What words could I possibly use to help Derek understand what I went through? I don't think anything I say will help him understand…
"Amelia Jade Isabelle Shepherd, what haven't you been telling me?" Derek presses.
I guess I'm just going to have to say it...
"I was pregnant Derek. I had a baby," she confesses.
"Amelia..." Derek says sympathetically.
"I fell pregnant while high on Oxey with Ryan. That night, doing the Oxey that night was such a mistake. If only I didn't convince him to have one last high before getting clean... Maybe he'd still be here. Ryan was the father of my baby. My baby, my unicorn baby he wasn't okay. He wasn't okay. He was anencephalic," she says emotionally.
"I had no idea," Derek replies. He places a hand on Amelia's knee and she places her hand on top of it.
"He lived for, um, 43 minutes. And I held him, I got to hold him," Amelia smiles through the tears. Amelia pulls out her phone and pulls up a picture for Derek.
"He looks so beautiful Amy," Derek smiles as he looks at the photo of Amelia holding her baby boy.
"He was so beautiful Derek. He was the most beautiful baby that I'd ever seen and he still is. I held him and I smelt him and I loved him and I will always love him. He was my baby. And then it was time. And he was...He donated all of his organs. And then I let him go. And it almost killed me," Amelia says as she breaths in and out deeply in an attempted to compose herself.
I know what he's thinking, it's his eyes. He's giving me the Doctor 'I'm so sorry eyes'. And Damn it Derek, you do it so well.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks sympathetically.
"I guess I was scared Derek. I knew that nothing I did caused my baby to be that way but I couldn't help but think that way. I was so consumed by guilt. I thought you'd be ashamed of me, I was doing drugs and Ryan had died. It wasn't exactly the responsible thing to be doing," Amelia explains.
"I would have been there for you Amy. I would have come down to LA and helped you," he replies empathetically.
"My life had turned into a horror show and all I could do was stand back and watch it play out. My baby had no brain. No brain. I'm a damn neurosurgeon and my baby had no brain. I was a mess and I was Derek, it was a freaking horror show.I didn't need you to be watching it too," she explains.
"Come here," he says. Amelia moves closer to Derek. "Rest your head on my shoulder," he says.
"What?" She asks confused as she sniffles.
"You need a shoulder to cry on and I'm your brother. So, rest your head on my shoulder," he order.
He's right, I do. And he's always known that too.
Amelia rests her head on Derek's shoulder. It breaks Derek's heart to hear what Amelia had to go through.
"Did you have support? Addison? Your friends in LA?" He asks hopeful.
"Somewhat. I shut them out and I just kept pushing and pushing them away. I've never been good with bad news, you know that. But Addison, she was persistent and as much as I kept pushing her away she kept pushing back at me and she helped me through labour. I was very lucky to have her," Amelia replies.
"Well she was very good with hurricane Amelia when you were a teenager. When Mum couldn't get through to you she was the only one who could," Derek replies.
"She fought for me so my babies organs could be donated. And I miss him everyday. Today was the day he was born and today was the bay he died, I think that's why this case affected me so much more," Amelia says. She grabs another tissue and dries her eyes.
"How old would he be?" Derek asks.
"He'd be three years old today," Amelia smiles.
"Did you give him a name?" Derek asks.
"I couldn't bring myself to do it, give him an identity only for it to be ripped away from him. But I call him my unicorn baby and right now he's out there and he's making a difference. He saved so may little lives and I think that's the thing that gets me through. Knowing that his life wasn't a waste, you know?" Amelia questions.
"You need to keep dreaming that Amelia because I have no doubt that that is what your baby boy is doing right now. And he'd be looking down on you and he'd be so proud of what you've become. You need to keep holding onto that Amelia and what ever you do, don't let go, because that hope, that hope is what's going to get you through," Derek says.
Ending quote: Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing a flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. And all we can do is learn how to swim. - Vicki Harrison
So, what do you all think? I'd love it if you could leave a review! Much love and happiness!