Date originally written: Thu 1 Feb 2001
Date rewritten: Thu 23 Sep 2010
Author: Starway Man
Email: theop at hotkey dot net dot au
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to David Crane, Marta Kaufmann and Kevin Bright Productions, NBC and Warner Bros. No infringement of copyright is intended, and no profit will be earned as a result of this work (although an act of Congress to make it otherwise would really be nice!)
Author notes: I was looking through some old stuff on my computer yesterday, and I found this fanfic which had been deleted from the site during the Great Script Purge of 2004. Well, I had some time on my hands and I was feeling a bit nostalgic, so I thought I'd reformat it and repost it! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little blast from the past...
Continuity: This fanfic takes place during Friends season 7, sometime after 'TOW They All Turn Thirty'.
Summary: After Jill and Ursula show up, Joey forgetfully arranges to see both of them on the same night. Also, Phoebe gets upset, Rachel get jealous, Ross gets a fist in his face and Chandler tries to cope with Monica's desire for a baby. Then things get complicated.
Title: The One With Joey's Emergency Plan
Central Perk Coffee Shop, Greenwich Village, New York City
Early morning, March 2001
Chandler Bing and Joey Tribbianni were sitting on the couch. Chandler was looking at Joey in disbelief as he said, "So, lemme see if I got this straight. You, uh, you think that Wilma Flintstone, is like the sexiest cartoon character to appear on TV? Ever?"
Joey started nodding seriously, "Yeah, uh-huh. She rules!"
"Riiiiight. So, then what d'you think of Betty?" Chandler continued to stare oddly at his friend.
Joey mulled it over before he replied, "Betty Rubble? Weeell, it's like I could go out with Betty, but I'd still be thinkin' of Wilma."
Picking a name at random, Chandler asked, "Cartman's mother from South Park?"
Joey shrugged, "Same thing."
Still not believing this, Chandler asked, "Marge Simpson?"
Joey looked at him weirdly, "Okay, now you're creepin' me out."
Chandler shook his head, "Joey, this is nuts. We're having an insane conversation! Why on God's green earth are we talking about, about dating cartoon characters?"
Joey regretfully nodded his head in agreement. "You're right. And hey, y'know, my opinion? Wilma wouldn't ever leave Fred and Pebbles for either of us, anyway."
Chandler rested his head in his hands in despair as Gunther Lockhart, the manager of Central Perk, walked past them. Joey called out to him, "Hey, Gunther! You ever used to watch The Flintstones?"
Gunther muttered to himself as he walked on by, "Thank God you don't work here anymore..."
Central Perk Coffee Shop
A while later
The establishment was now about half-full with people. Ursula Buffay, the identical twin sister of Phoebe Buffay, entered through the door and headed for where Chandler and Joey were sitting reading.
"Oh, um, hey," Ursula said, looking at Chandler and Joey as she came to a stop at the couch.
The guys looked up, thinking that this was their friend. They said simultaneously, "Hey, Phoebs" and "Hi, Phoebe".
"Like, no, uh-uh, y'know, I'm Ursula," the blonde said casually.
Chandler and Joey instantly recoiled, before Joey leaned forward somewhat nervously. "Uh, hi...Urse."
Ursula just looked at Chandler, "Yeah. Hey, um, weird-looking guy, don't you have somewhere else to be?"
Chandler winced for a moment, as he got up. "Yes. Yes, I have that thing. That, uh, fla- heh- bluh- luh- luballa-luballa." After a short embarrassed pause, Bing briefly shook his head. "Please excuse me."
Chandler headed for the counter of the coffee shop. Ursula paid him no attention, though, as she sat down where Chandler had been sitting before. Joey was still somewhat nervous as he said, "So, Ursula. Huh, it's ah, been a long time."
Ursula obviously didn't care as she said, "Yeah, uh-huh, right. So how are you?"
Joey shrugged, "Well, now that ya mention it..."
But Ursula instantly interrupted, "Right, well, okay, that's good. Look, um, we should talk."
Joey frowned, "What is it?"
"I, hum, I've talked to your agent Estelle, and, like because she's my agent now too," Ursula said.
Joey grinned, "Yeah?"
Ursula nodded. "Yeah, right, 'cause she said you'd be available for a movie, y'know, if the right girl could persuade you."
"Movie?" Joey's eyes widened as he realized what she was implying. "Porn? You mean porn? I told Estelle, I ain't doin' gay porn! EVER!"
Ursula looked surprised, "No, uh-uh, I need like a replacement for my leading man, and I could get you maybe 50 dollars."
Joey instantly leaned forward, "Be in a movie with you?" An expression of joy washed over his face, as his eyes bulged out in excitement. "I'LL DO IT!" Then Joey looked uncertain, "You-you mean, you and me...and you, though, right?" he gestured a lot with his hands.
Ursula shrugged, "Uh-huh, yeah. I can come by tonight, and give you like the script and stuff. Movie's called, um, 'Jack and The Beanstalk Woman'."
Joey looked thrilled again. "Y'know, if you and me are gonna be doin' stuff for the cameras, we, we need to practice tonight, right? 'Cause, like, it's been a few years! I gotta see if you're...um, see if we're, we're still compatible!"
Ursula just looked aside at Joey, with a slight smile on her face. "Uh-huh."
Joey couldn't help grinning like an idiot. "Great! My place at eight o'clock, that okay with you?"
Ursula nodded, "Fine, yeah, uh, bye."
Ursula got up and headed towards the doorway. As she neared the exit, her sister's friend Ross Geller entered Central Perk. Thinking she was Phoebe he said to her, "Hey, Phoebs."
Ursula just walked straight past, completely ignoring him. Ross said to himself in puzzlement, "Huh." He stared after her for a moment, but then he made his way to the couch as Chandler joined Ross and Joey as well.
Ross looked at his two friends as he asked, "What's up with Phoebe?"
Chandler ignored Ross, and stared at Joey. "What did Ursula want?"
Ross looked around for a moment, "That, that was Ursula?"
Joey completely ignored Ross as well, saying excitedly to Chandler, "Oh, man! I gotta tell ya, the little General is gonna be seein' heavy combat duty tonight!" Off Chandler's look he added, "Oh, yeah! Eight o'clock it's gonna be, like, which way to the front?"
Chandler closed his eyes for a moment. "No, please, tell me that you're not gonna start seeing Ursula again! Tell me! Tell me!" He then said loudly, "TELL ME!"
Joey looked scared as he said, "Okay, I'm not."
Chandler groaned, looking away for a moment. "God, you are. Joey! Could you possibly BE any dumber? Phoebe is so gonna kill you for that!"
Joey got up at once, looking at Chandler fiercely. "She's not gonna know!" Then he calmed down, as Chandler recoiled in alarm. "Besides, this is business, we're gonna be doin' like a movie together."
Ross looked like he couldn't believe it either, as he flopped down on the couch. "A move- a moo- um, Joey? Tell me that, uh, that you're not gonna be doing a porn film with Ursula?"
Joey said straight-faced, "Okay." Then he grinned like a maniac. "Hollywood, baby! See you guys later!"
Joey turned around and quickly exited Central Perk. Chandler sat down, wincing as Ross shook his head and said, "Oh, man."
Chandler again looked down for a moment. "Tell me about it. He's, like, never gonna learn with her or what?"
Ross shrugged. "Oh, well. It's his funeral." Then he leaned forward, "Listen, Chandler, we gotta talk."
Chandler looked at him, his face scared. "Oh dear God, those three words again."
Ross was understandably confused, "Huh?"
"No offense, Ross, but every time a Geller says those words to me these days, it's time for something painful to happen!" Chandler replied.
Ross looked concerned. "You talkin' about my sister?"
Chandler hesitated for a moment, but then leaned in close. "Look, pal, keep this under your hat for now, but Monica and me...well, with the wedding less than a month away, we've talked about having kids as soon as possible. And, basically...we're not using protection anymore."
Ross looked disgusted, briefly shaking his head. "Chandler? Too much detail!"
But Chandler said urgently, "No, no, you don't get it. Mon got all these charts, and all this stuff to measure her fertility, and...well, let's just say the burn marks on my butt are gonna take a LONG time to heal, 'cause of her eagerness." He slowly shook his head, "I-I can't take much more!"
Visibly trying to control his nausea, Ross reached into his pocket and brought out a bright blue pill sealed in a white plastic wrapper. "Here. Maybe this'll help."
Chandler looked at it. "What, what's this?"
Ross briefly looked around and then lowered his voice, "I got it from a friend, for uh, saving his butt at this NYU faculty thing a month ago? It's, uh, the new improved Viagra that's gonna be on the market next year. Fully tested and safe, and, and this is the free sample that he gave me."
Chandler looked at it, greatly tempted, before staring back at Ross. "If I get truly desperate, we'll talk again."
Ross shrugged and put away the pill. "Okay."
Chandler then said, "Anyway, you said you wanted to talk?"
Ross looked briefly confused, before he recovered his original train of thought. "Oh, right." Looking uncertain he then said, "Okay. Um, Chandler? How-how would you feel if I offered to pay for, uh, part of the wedding?"
Chandler was utterly amazed. "Wha-wha-wha..."
Ross held up both hands, "If you want me to butt out..."
Chandler grimaced, looking at his rear for a moment. "No. But, uh, why?" Then he looked suspicious, "Is this because of what happened that time with your cousin Frannie, that stupid competitive thing-?"
"No!" Ross exclaimed wildly, before he calmed down. "Look, Chandler...this is my little sister that you're gettin' married to. And I just wanna make sure everything is perfect for her, unlike MY wedding disasters!" He paused, looking uncertain. "You're officially gonna be family, so, so, this sort of stuff is allowed under the guy code, right?"
Chandler smiled briefly. "Well, um, yeah." He then said contemplatively, "Alright look, I-I'll tell Mon, and we'll let her decide, okay?"
Ross smiled back at his best friend as he got up. "Okay. I'll see you upstairs." Like Joey before him, he then quickly exited Central Perk.
Chandler scratched his head. "Now what do I do?" A beautiful red-haired waitress walked by, and Chandler noticed her as he uncomfortably shifted his ass. "I had to ask..."
Apartment number 19, the Green/Tribbianni residence
A short while later
Joey was sitting at the kitchen counter with a box of pizza, and a slice in his hands. "Man, this pizza is so good!" he said to himself in delight, about to take a big bite.
Just then the front door opened up, as Ross entered the apartment and shut the door behind him. He came up to Joey, "Hey, Joe. What's up?"
Joey looked at Ross, trying to talk with his mouth full. "Nmm-hmnm mmm."
Ross stared at him, "What?"
Joey shrugged, as Rachel Green came out of her bedroom door. She was in a fairly good mood as she walked towards the two men and said with a smile, "Hey guys!"
After he swallowed his food Joey said to Ross, "Nothin' much." Then he said to Rachel, "Hey! Uh, did ya hear what Ross is gonna do? Help pay for Chandler and Monica's wedding!"
Ross saw Rachel's astonished expression and said sarcastically, "Thanks, Joey, for letting me break the news."
Joey shrugged in confusion, "Chandler already told me, but you're welcome, dude."
Rachel stared at Ross in disbelief. "You're doing WHAT?"
Ross looked uncomfortable as he said, "Well, I..."
Rachel said incredulously, "You wouldn't even get me a ring with that entire stupid fiasco in Vegas, but now you go and pay for someone else's wedding?"
Joey was only trying to help as he said, "Only part of it. I mean, he really cares about Chandler and Monica."
Ross turned quickly to Joey, after Rachel started looking REALLY angry. "Joey, I-I'm begging you man, don't help me. Hooking up with Ursula, you're, you're gonna have enough problems." Then he turned to Rachel, "Look, Rach..."
Rachel was puzzled. "Ursula? What-?"
All of a sudden, there was a knock on the front door. Joey got up, brushed himself off and went to answer it. He opened up, and there stood Jill Green, Rachel's younger sister. She was professionally dressed in a smart dark-grey business suit, and carrying a briefcase.
Joey instantly smiled widely, "Hey! How YOU doin'?"
Jill smiled back, "Hi, um, Joey, right? Can I come in? I'm, uh, looking for Rachel..."
Joey gestured at once, "Yeah, yeah, come on in."
Jill entered the apartment as Joey closed the door behind her. And what with their history, Ross immediately looked uncomfortable when he saw the younger Green sister.
Rachel was shocked to see her sibling. "Jill? What are you doing here?"
Jill looked at her before replying sarcastically, "No hello or hug, huh?"
Rachel looked guilty for a moment, but then briefly hugged Jill as her sister put the briefcase down. "I'm sorry. But, but Jill, what ARE you doing here?" She frowned, "I wasn't, like, expecting you or anything."
Jill looked around and sighed. "I know. After last time...look, Rachel, I-I thought we should make peace or something, since I'm living in the city now and we might be seeing each other."
Rachel looked at Jill in surprise, "What happened to living off of our dad?"
Jill shrugged. "Maybe you opened my eyes a little." Then she looked disgusted, "Oh, plus I got sick and tired of hearing Daddy always saying..." The blonde woman did a good imitation of Dr. Green's voice, "Why can't you be more like Rachel?"
Jill then resumed speaking normally, "So I decided to finally just do it! I mean like, get out on my own. Find an apartment. And, uh, a job."
Rachel was shocked at hearing this. "Wow. Uh, uh, okay, a job. Doing, doing what?"
Jill shrugged. "Real estate." Off Rachel's look she added, "What? I know houses, we grew up in some of Long Island's finest!" Then she grimaced, "All right, so I had to use some of Daddy's connections, but I'm independent now and I'm pretty okay at what I do."
Ross, who was still standing there uncomfortably, finally spoke up, "Hello, Jill."
Jill turned to look at him. "Oh, look, it's the gay one!"
Joey was confused and looked around, "Chandler? Where?"
Rachel said in a warning tone, "Jill..."
"Okay, uh, Jill, about, about what happened last year? I-I'm sorry. Okay? Um, fresh start, is-is that possible?" Ross asked hesitantly.
Jill thought about it, and then shrugged and smiled. "Yeah, what the heck, Ross, I guess so." Then she grimaced again, "Just don't ever mention your slides or projector to me again."
"So, Jill," Joey said with a grin as everyone turned to look at him. "How you doin'?"
Jill giggled, while Ross and Rachel roll their eyes. "Good, I guess, for a single girl in the city." Jill looked around at the others and then her watch, before picking up her briefcase. "Look, I-I got an appointment, so I need to run. Umm...I, uh, I still don't know that many people in town yet – so you guys, you, uh, wanna do something tonight?"
Rachel frowned, "Oh, Jill, I-I'd like to, but I gotta help Mrs. Braverman downstairs with something."
Ross said apologetically, "Uh, yeah, me too, but tonight I'm like swamped with the ol' paperwork."
Joey turned to look at Jill flirtatiously, "So it's just you and me, going out on the town?"
Rachel was immediately wary upon hearing that. "Oh, nooooo, I don't think so Joseph Tribbianni!"
Jill dismissed her sister's concern immediately. "Rachel, please! Huh, like anything's gonna happen that I don't want to happen." She smiled, came closer and stared flirtatiously at Joey.
Naturally, Joey focused on Jill to the exclusion of everything else. "So, what time's good for you tonight?"
Ross suddenly appeared to remember something and started to make head-shaking gestures behind Jill's back, but Joey completely ignored him. Rachel just stared at her ex-husband in amazement, wondering what the hell he was doing.
Oblivious to it all, Jill said to the Italian guy, "Eight o'clock?"
"Joey-?" Ross tried in vain to interrupt what was happening.
But Joey continued to ignore Ross, "Yeah, fine!"
Jill suddenly looked flustered, as she remembered something and glanced at her watch. "Oh, shoot! Can we make it a quarter to eight? I just remembered something on my schedule."
Joey continued to ignore Ross, who by now was hopping up and down trying to get his friend's attention. "No problem!"
Jill said to Joey, "Great!" She turned and looked at Ross, who abruptly stopped making his gestures to Joey. "Y'know, Ross, you are a VERY strange guy." She came forward and smiled seductively, "Call me. I'll give Joey the number tonight."
Ross smiled back, unable to help himself despite the situation. "Okay, sure!"
Rachel obviously didn't like observing them interact like that at all. "Hey!" As everyone looked at her she added, "Um, Jill, let me, uh, walk you out..." Rachel gave Ross a hostile look, as she and Jill headed towards the door and the two sisters left the apartment.
Ross hit Joey on the back of the head, as soon as the coast was clear. "Joey!"
Joey flinched, looking hurt. "Ow! What?"
Ross said sarcastically, "Eight o'clock tonight?" After seeing that Joey hadn't gotten it yet, he added, "Ursula." Ross imitated Joey's voice, "Hollywood, baby!" before going back to his own voice, "Remember?"
Joey still didn't get it for a few more seconds. Then his eyes bulged out in horror, his jaw dropped nearly to the floor and he pointed at Ross, backing away, "I'm double-booked!"
Ross nodded, saying vehemently, "Add it all up, buddy, and it spells 'yeah'!"
Joey somehow quickly calmed down. "Okay – okay – okay!" He ran his fingers through his hair and then he smiled, looking at Ross. "I got it! No problem. Joey's Emergency Plan, Number 4!"
Ross looked confused, "Number 4?"
Joey brushed that aside, "Oh yeah, I got lots of 'em! But, you gotta help me on this one."
Ross backed off slightly, "No way! I told ya, I-I gotta work tonight."
Joey came forward and said urgently, "Come on, Ross, it's a five-minute job, TOPS!" Seeing that Ross still looked unconvinced he added, "Plus, I throw in free phone numbers for twenty women!"
Ross came forward as he and Joey quickly shook hands, eager looks on both their faces. "Deal!" Dr. Geller said enthusiastically.
Apartment number 20, the Geller/Bing residence
A few hours later
Monica and Chandler were sitting together on the couch, and Rachel was sitting on the edge of the lounge chair across from them. Chandler was looking at some papers concerning the wedding reception before he said gloomily, "I can't believe we're paying this much for the food."
Rachel looked at him in resignation, "Chandler!"
Monica said to the man, "Oh, come on honey, don't start. I mean, you get what you pay for, and the reception has to be perfect! Plus the guests will love it."
Chandler shuffled the papers as he said very sarcastically, "At these prices, they should stand up and deliver the Gettysburg address for it!"
At that moment, Ross opened the front door and entered the apartment. "Hello!" he said, as he went to join the others.
Turning around, Monica and Chandlersaid, "Hey," and "Hi," respectively, but Rachel just silently looked at Ross as he joined the group.
Monica then said, "Ross...look, Chandler told me about your offer. Y-you don't have to do this-"
"I want to," Ross interrupted, taking out a cheque from his suit pocket and giving it to her. "Here."
Monica looked at it, and her hands started to tremble as she looked again in open-mouthed shock, before she stared back at her brother. "Wha- Ross, is this a joke? Twenty-five thousand dollars?"
Chandler did a double-take, looking just as shocked as Monica, and then he quickly reached over and grabbed the piece of paper. "How much?"
Rachel got up, looking horrified. She said to Ross, "Are-are you nuts? You can't afford that much money!"
Ross shrugged, "Well, I-I took out a loan. Figure with my salary, I can, uh, pay it off within a few years."
Monica shook her head, "Ross! No! Like, we can't accept this!"
But Ross said stubbornly, "Mon, look. I-I wanna do this. I mean, you're my sister, and you don't have the wedding fund, and besides..." He shrugged, "It's really not that much money."
Monica looked unconvinced, "But what if you..."
Ross interrupted at once, "Oh, c'mon, please, it's not like I'm ever gonna get married again, so I-I don't need to save up for anything!" He failed to notice Rachel looking away, with a strange expression on her face as he said to the betrothed couple, "You guys, think of it as my early wedding present."
Monica quickly hugged him, as Ross briefly kissed her on the forehead. The dark-haired woman was almost in tears as she said, "Oh, God, thank you."
Chandler started smiling, "NOW we can afford the food!"
Ross let go of his sister as he said, "I, uh, I got some things to do, so I gotta go now, okay? I'll, I'll see you guys later." He turned around and headed for the door.
Chandler suddenly called out, "Ross, wait up!" He grimaced in pain as he got up and joined Ross at the door. "Have ya got a minute?"
Chandler and Ross exited the apartment into the corridor, as Bing shut the door behind them. Looking desperate Chandler said, "Okay, gimme that super-Viagra or whatever!"
Ross looked surprised, "You sure?"
"Ross, I've been sitting on that couch for an hour. I-I almost feel like I have a third buttock in my pants!" Chandler paused for a moment. "Monica wants me to perform tonight, I'm gonna need a little help."
Ross shrugged, trying not to look nauseated, and reached into his pocket. A few seconds later, Chandler re-entered the apartment and made his way back to the couch.
Monica asked curiously, "What was all that about?"
Chandler knew he had to think fast. "Um, guy stuff. Ross, uh, he wanted my opinion on how hot this girl was that he, um, saw at Central Perk today."
Rachel looked down for a moment before saying in annoyance, "That jerk."
Chandler and Monica instantly stared at her in astonishment. Chandler said, "Excuse me? Ross just gave us twenty-five thousand dollars! Rach, if that's your definition of a jerk, please, please introduce me to someone you consider, like, an asshole!" He did his little dance, the way he always did under these circumstances.
Monica came closer, staring at Rachel. "Sweetie, what is it?"
Rachel didn't look at her, so Monica said, "Oh, honey, are you upset about..." Suddenly she stopped, looking shocked. "Oh...my...God."
Chandler looked up in fear, "Please, Lord, do NOT let that be another sign of the coming of Janice!"
Monica grabbed Rachel's wrists, forcing her best friend to look back at her. "Rachel? Rach...please, please tell me that you're not starting on that whole Ross thing again!"
Rachel scoffed, "Yeah, right, like I'd-"
But Monica interrupted, "No! NO! Don't use that tone of voice! I KNOW that tone of voice!" She started shaking Rachel, "If you two go there, all we're gonna hear for the next few weeks until the wedding is..."
Monica then did a great impersonation of Ross, "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"
Rachel looked at her weirdly, "Monica, if you need me to get you some Prozac, just ask!"
At that moment, Phoebe walked into the apartment. "Hey!" she said to everyone, as she made her way through the room.
Monica let go of Rachel and said, "Hi, Phoebs." Chandler and Rachel simultaneously said, "Hey," as well.
"So, uh, what's up?" Phoebe asked.
Rachel looked at her and said, "Ross is a jerk."
Phoebe casually nodded, "Uh-huh." Then she looked confused. "Huh?"
Monica saw Phoebe's expression and said, "Don't mind her. It's probably just a-a-a thing."
Phoebe was still confused, "A thing?"
Monica nodded, "Yeah. About Ross." She looked back at Rachel, "Maybe it's on account of...hmm, yeah, it's been a while since Tag..."
Rachel gave Monica an annoyed look before saying, "Well, hey, unlike some crazy dinosaur guy, at least I don't go around doing...stuff. Like, like giving my sister and her fiancé insane amounts of money!"
Phoebe looked like she finally understood, "Oh, right, so in his next life Ross is coming back as a dung beetle, 'cause he did that?"
Rachel looked exasperated as she paced a little, "Exactly! I mean, urgggggh! Men! Sometimes I wonder if Carol and Susan have the right idea, y'know? Because even the best ones do things like, I dunno, get together with Jill or Ursula or something!"
Phoebe immediately looked shocked. "Ursula? Ross and – oh no." She turned around and rushed out of the apartment, the door slamming shut behind her with a bang.
Monica gasped, "Like, wow..."
Chandler looked utterly bewildered, "I-I can't believe it, Ross? Dating Ursula?"
Rachel looked confused, "What? No, uh, Joey's the one doing that."
"Oh, right, well thank God," Chandler said, finally remembering about this morning.
Monica looked around at both of them, "Okay, for the members of our studio audience who happen to be me?" She shouted at the top of her lungs, "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"
Chandler and Rachel both flinched at the sheer volume of her voice. After he recovered Bing said, "Sweetheart, I promise I'll explain everything. As soon as I get six million dollars, for my new bionic ear..."
He hit the left side of his head with the heel of his palm, twice, wanting to emphasise how loudly his beloved had yelled just now.
Ursula Buffay's apartment building
A while later
Phoebe finally arrived outside her sister's apartment. She lifted her hand, and knocked hard on the door. Ursula opened up and said, "Oh, oh hey, it's you."
Phoebe was suddenly nervous. "Hi."
Ursula took a step forward into the corridor and said in a bored tone, "Yeah, uh-huh, can I help you with something?"
Phoebe said, "Oh. Um, yeah. You're, you're going out with my friend Ross?" Off Ursula's look of confusion Phoebe added, "Um, tall, dark-haired, talks about boring science stuff like nonstop?"
Ursula finally got a look of recognition on her face. "Oh, oh the nerdy geek who loves hair gel!" She paused briefly before saying, "Um, no, no I'm not. I mean, I'm not gonna be sleeping with him tonight or anything."
"Oh, good," Phoebesaid, looking relieved.
"Yeah, 'cause I'm sleeping with Joey tonight," Ursula added.
Phoebe looked totally shocked, mouth hanging open. "Heh?"
Ursula looked unconcerned about that, however. "Yeah, uh-huh. We were supposed to be doing a movie together, but that fell through like a few minutes ago, so, um, you can tell him for me. That, and we're still on for tonight."
Phoebe suddenly got mad. "No. NO! You are NOT having sex with Joey again! You're, you're just gonna hurt him real bad, when you dump him!"
Ursula cocked her head slightly, "Oh, uh-huh, right, now I get what this is. You've developed, like, feelings for him."
Phoebe looked totally shocked to hear that. "Nuh-uh!"
Ursula shrugged. "Yuh-huh! It's like, twin thing." After a brief pause she added, "Well, um, okay, you can have him. 'Cause he's like, one of those guys who's decent. Oh, and beyond size three."
In response to Phoebe's look of confusion Ursula said, "Um, hey, you remember when we were eleven years old, we always used to tell that joke about-"
Phoebe interrupted, abruptly remembering, "Oh, oh! Yeah, right. Guys, guys and their equipment downstairs come in three sizes, small, medium and OH MY GOD!" Phoebe instantly had a look of horror on her face before adding, "Oh! Oh! Eww! Ewww! Shame on you for making me think that!"
She turned around and ran off, leaving Ursula just standing there - before the waitress simply shrugged and went back inside.
Apartment number 19, the Green/Tribbianni residence
Later that night
Joey, who was pacing restlessly near the kitchen counter, worriedly said to himself, "Where is he?"
Just then the front door opened up, and as Joey turned around Ross entered the apartment. The new arrival said apologetically, "Sorry I'm late, man..." before hanging his jacket up on a clothes hook.
Joeywas justifiably upset. "Where ya been, Ross? It's almost 7:45, Jill's gonna be here like any second!"
Ross shrugged, "I told ya, I-I had to work tonight."
Joey brushed that aside, "Whatever. Okay, like, so ya remember what to do?"
Ross sighed, "Yeah, I tell Jill that you're sick or something, then I get rid of her and take off before Ursula gets here."
Joey grinned and gave him two thumbs-up, "Right!" Then he calmed down and said, "Okay, look, I-I'll be in my room. So good luck!" He quickly exited the scene and closed the bedroom door behind him.
Right on cue, someone knocked at the front door. Ross opened up to see Jill standing there outside wearing a black evening dress, and her hair in a French braid. She looked at him and said in surprise, "Ross?"
Ross said nervously, "Uh, hi..." before he closed the door and turned around to face the young woman, after she had entered the apartment. "Yeah, hi Jill."
Jill asked in confusion, "Where's Joey? I thought you were busy tonight."
Ross was now even more nervous. "He, uh, he-he had this thing. This emergency? He said to say sorry. And, um, I'm here instead, i-if that's okay."
Jill just smiled. "Yeah, sure. So, where are we going tonight?"
Ross was taken aback by this. "Uh, where. Where, where are we going?" He considered it for a moment, and looked towards Joey's room as he had no idea what to say. "Yeah, where are we going..."
Luckily, Jill didn't notice his little panic attack. "Could you get me some juice?" She exhaled softly, "It's been a long day."
Ross quickly went to the fridge, got out some orange juice, grabbed a glass and headed for the counter. As he nervously poured the juice into the glass he said, "Oh, uh, Jill, maybe we can try Sorrentino's?" He then brought the drink over to her, "Or, or, if that doesn't pan out, we, uh, we could go back to my apartment or something."
Jill smiled at that. "Hmm." She accepted the drink, drained it in one gulp, put down the glass and then grinned at Ross. "Okay. Lemme just fix my makeup, and then we're outta here." Jill quickly made her way to the bathroom, and entered it.
But as luck would have it, the front door opened up again and Rachel entered the apartment. She looked surprised as she said, "Ross?"
He whirled around, startled to see her. "Ahhh! Rachel. Wha, what are you doing here?"
As she came closer Rachel said sarcastically, "Well, I kinda LIVE here."
Ross said nervously, "You, you, you weren't supposed to be here tonight! You, uh, you gotta go."
Rachel instantly looked suspicious. "Why?"
Ross looked unsure what to say. "Uh..."
"Look, Ross, I'm not in the mood for games. So what's going on? Why are you trying to get rid of me?" Rachel was definitely starting to get annoyed.
Just then, the bathroom door opened and Jill came out. "Ross, maybe we should just skip Sorrentino's, go straight to your apartment..." Then she noticed her sister was there. "Oh, hi Rachel."
Rachel initially appeared shocked as she looked at Jill, but then she got mad as she stared at Ross. The palaeontologist turned towards to her and started to say, "Uh, Rach..."
Rachel drew back her fist, and punched him so hard in the face that Ross stumbled backwards from the impact, ending up on the floor.
"Ross!" Jill shouted, as she started to move forward.
Rachel glared at her with such intensity that it froze Jill right in her tracks. "Missy, one more word and you're next!" Big Sis growled.
Jill quickly backed away. "Okay, Rachel, you, you seriously need a shrink! I-I'm gonna check Daddy's rolodex, for the one that only charges like ninety dollars an hour." Jill then headed for the front door, glancing at Ross along the way. "Bye Ross, hope I see you tomorrow!" She then ran outside, the door slamming shut behind her.
Ross eventually got up off the floor. He shook his head for a moment, feeling his mouth and jaw before he let go of them. He said to Rachel, "My God, I-I think you might have knocked a couple of teeth loose!"
Rachel said angrily, "You knew how I felt about this, Professor 'I-have-to-work-tonight' Geller! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Not really paying attention to her yet, and flexing his jaw carefully, Ross said, "First off? Calling a dentist."
"With my sister!" Rachel demanded impatiently.
Ross looked at her, starting to get pissed. "Rachel, you know what? You really are crazy, you thought..." The man then finally realized something, and said quietly, "Oh my God."
After a big dramatic pause, Ross said, "This isn't just about me going out with your sister...you, you have feelings for me again."
Rachel took a step back, looking caught. "I do not!"
"Rach, you, you, you just slugged me right now, like I'd cheated on you with Chloe or something!" Ross said in astonishment. "'Cause you thought, you thought I was planning to score with Jill tonight." He looked at his ex-wife in amazement.
Rachel realized the situation, and desperately tried to fend him off. "Oh come on, that is SO ridiculous!"
Ross came forward and asked, "Then why did you hit me that hard?"
Rachel said nervously, "Because, uh, you're a jerk! An idiot. A moron..."
Ross looked confused, "Oh, oh boy, this, this is serious, this is..."
Rachel suddenly got belligerent. "Will you get over yourself? I don't love you anymore!"
Ross looked into her eyes and said in shock, "Yes you do! Look, I-I know you feel...I mean you can lie to yourself if you want, Rach, but you can't lie to me!"
Rachel looked away, moving back slightly. "Well, well, so what if I do still love you, mister 'it's not like I'm ever gonna get married again'?"
That only got Ross annoyed. "Hey, y'know, just because I mighta said that, that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you either or anything!"
He instantly looked shocked all over again regarding what he'd just said, and so did Rachel. "And, and right now? I-I'm just totally confused on what to do next. You?" Ross asked with a freaked look on his face.
Stunned, Rachel could only say, "Oh yeah, like 100 percent!"
Ross and Rachel locked eyes for a few seconds. Then they rushed forward, embraced each other and kissed fiercely. Ross suddenly broke away from Rachel, panting loudly. "What, what, what was that?" he demanded.
"You, you haven't kissed me like that in months!" Rachel said, looking dazed and confused. "Make that years!"
Ross moved back, a look of fear appearing on his face. "This, this probably isn't a good idea. I mean, with the HUGE history that we have..."
"Tell me about it!" Rachel agreed vehemently.
Ross almost stuttered, "So, so...what, uh, what do we do now?"
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then they embraced and kissed again; more passionately this time, with Rachel holding Ross's face in her hands.
Apartment number 19, the Green/Tribbianni residence
An hour later
Joey, who was now wearing only a sea-green bathrobe, was standing near the kitchen counter; looking at nothing in particular while he waited for Ursula to show up.
Tribbianni thought to himself, Okay. Okay. She's late, but she's gonna be here soon. No problem. No pressure, she's just another girl. Then he made a face at his own thoughts. Oh, who am I kidding...this is Ursula! She's hot! And I'm totally wingin' it here!
There was a knock at the front door, and then it opened up as Phoebe came in. She put down her bag on a chair and looked at Joey, as he turned around. The blonde woman said nervously, "Joey, hi. Um, there's something I gotta tell you..."
Joey grinned, thinking she was Ursula, and moved closer to her. "Hey, I already know what you're gonna say! And y'know? I think this is the best thing that could've happened, too." He looked into her eyes and said cheesily, "Oh yeah, fee, fi, fo, fum – look out baby, 'cause here I come!"
Joey grabbed Phoebe in a tight embrace, and kissed her. At first she was shocked but as he continued to kiss her, she responded enthusiastically, holding him tight. Finally Phoebe moved away, panting after the man let her go.
Joey looked confused. "That was different..." But then he grinned at Phoebe, "Hey, but, still? It-it was the best I've ever kissed you."
Phoebe was still panting, and her feelings were very confused after what Joey had done just now. "Joey, I...oh, oh God, I..."
Phoebe hesitated, before she suddenly grabbed Joey's head and plunged her lips onto his, bringing him close. Joey enthusiastically kissed her back as Phoebe jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist, with her arms going around his neck.
Joey held her close as they made out, before carriyng Phoebe towards his bedroom door.
Apartment number 19, the Green/Tribbianni residence
The next morning
Sunrise finally took place over New York City. A few hours later within Rachel and Joey's apartment, it was quiet and empty in the main living area. Suddenly, though, the sound of a woman screaming could be heard.
"Ahhhhhhh!" Phoebe yelled as she ran out of Joey's bedroom, her hair wild and tangled, the blonde dressed in nothing but Joey's plaid shirt from the previous night. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"
Horrified, Phoebe stopped and turned around, facing Joey as he exited the bedroom too, dressed only in his robe. "You...you thought...you thought-!"
Joey came closer, looking shocked. "Phoebe?"
Rachel opened up her bedroom door, and quickly came out with nothing but a bedsheet wrapped around her body. Ross, who only had a set of white boxers on, followed her out.
Rachel straightaway demanded, "What the-" But then she saw Joey and Phoebe, and she screamed just like Phoebe had done a few seconds ago.
Ross saw them the next instant as well. His eyes went wide, his jaw dropped open, and he pointed at the other couple as he started babbling incoherently, "Uh...guh...buh...ho...ha..."
Phoebe saw how Ross and Rachel were dressed themselves, and almost started to hyperventilate from the shock. "OH MY GOD!"
Joey just got a big sleazy grin on his face, as he gazed at the other couple as well. "Niiiiiice!"
The front door burst open as Chandler and Monica came rushing in, dressed in their robes like Joey. They came to a screeching halt near the kitchen area, leaving the front door wide open.
Having heard all the screaming from across the hall Monica said worriedly, "What the hell is going on..." But then she saw the four semi-naked people, and screamed just like Rachel.
Chandler was stunned. "Uh, yeah! What she said!"
Joey still had that sleazy grin plastered all over his face, moving his head back and forth as he stared at all three of the women. "Real niiiiiice!"
Monica and Chandler moved further into the apartment, still unable to believe what they were seeing. All three couples stared at each other in disbelief, as the six friends came together in a big group.
But then they noticed the open front doorway. Jill was standing there, mouth wide open, as she took in the sight in front of her.
"Holy...cow," Jill said as she stepped inside, a stunned look on her face. "When...when did you guys start up with having group sex?"
Miss Green paused. "And, and was there a reason why I wasn't invited to the big party last night?" the young woman asked, continuing to look amazed.
Apartment number 20, the Geller/Bing residence
A while later
Within Monica and Chandler's bedroom, the engaged couple was in bed together. Monica was staring off into space as she said, "Chandler, I-I think I'm still in shock. My brain, it, it simply can't process everything what just happened!" She paused for a moment. "I may be scarred for life..."
Chandler looked at her and said soothingly, "Mon, sweetheart? You'll be fine. And hey, one day? We'll probably even look back on this and laugh."
Monica looked back at him and said, "Group sex, Chandler! Orgies! That's what Jill thinks we get up to!" She then continued neurotically, "Y'know? Somehow, I don't see people ever laughing about that!"
Chandler said encouragingly, "Honey, come on! It's not that bad. I-I mean, let's look at the situation. Now, Jill? She promised to keep this quiet. Phoebe and Joey?"
He brushed that aside. "It was a one-time thing, they'll get over it. Ross and Rachel?"
Chandler shrugged, "Well, uh, they'll probably get married again, and move to Scarsdale with two kids or something." He smiled at his future wife as he leaned closer to her. "Now, I believe we have some baby-making business of our own to attend to?"
Monica stared at him in astonishment, "We already did it six times last night!"
Chandler grinned, "Wanna go for the London record?" He came even closer to nibble on her ear.
But Monica pushed him away, "Chandler! Not now." She looked at him after a moment's pause. "I have a headache." Then Monica turned her back on her future husband and snuggled down, pulling some of the bed covers with her.
Chandler looked down at her for a moment, and then he moved the blankets forward as he stared downward to examine his crotch. The man quickly shook his head at how potent that Viagra pill had been, and then he looked up towards the ceiling.
Talking to God, Chandler said, "Either you're totally out to get me, or you really are a woman, aren't you?"
Maybe it was just as well that someone somewhere up there decided not to answer him.
THE END