Chapter 1

Dear Reader,

I'm from Germany and this is the first English story I've ever published.Feel free to tell me if I should delate the story because it's unreadable. I don't want to annoy readers with bad grammar or something.If you see hope for the story and you want to beta-read it (or other stories) please tell me.

Thank you for reading

o-o-o-o-o

I love you.

He wanted to say it so badly. But he knew she wasn't ready to hear it.At least she had let him show her how much he loved her. And it had been even a thousand times better than he had ever imagined. And he had imagined a lot.

He pulled her naked body closer towards him, enjoying her warmth against his skin. Neither of them were speaking. They should talk. He knew they should. They didn't of course. But they should.

What they probably shouldn't have done was sleep with each other without talking before. And if they hadn't been so drunk, he would have been able to see that it wasn't the best of ideas to sleep with her without being able to tell her how much he loved her. But it was too late for that.He was tired. It was already four in the morning. They could talk once they woke up, couldn't they?

He pulled her even closer to him and gave in to sleep. Content that he was able to hold her.

o-o-o-o-o-o

They didn't talk the next morning.

They went back to normal.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Kate?" Lanie asked with a concerned look at her best friend. "Are you okay?" She was awfully pale. She never got sick over a body and this one was only dead for a few hours and didn't smell too strong at all. But yet, she had just thrown up.

"Yeah", she said, pressing her lips together to force the nausea down. Her tone indicated that further questions weren't welcome. Lanie made a mental note to check on her later. She knew that Kate had a very stressful time with Castle pulling away and was thinner than ever. She obviously needed some good girl talk. But for now they went back to work.

The case was closed before they properly started to investigate. The murderer got a conscience and turned himself in.

After she finished her paperwork Lanie went over to her friends place with a bottle of wine. Kate opened at the second knock, looking overly tired and exhausted. That was strange. It had been an easy case and she got out of the precinct in the early afternoon. Maybe she was ill? That would explain the exhaustion and the throwing up at the crime scene. But in all the years Lanie had known Kate she had not once been sick.

She let her in with a forced smile. They went to the counter and Kate took two glasses out. Lanie saw a Chinese take-out meal on the counter that was only half eaten and... Were these gummy bears and chocolate between the noodles, the meat and the vegetables? Lanie's gaze shot up at Kate.

"What's this?" she asked disgusted while her gaze flew to her friend's midsection.

"Nothing", replied Kate snatching the take out bag away from her and unconsciously placing her other hand over her abdomen as if in the effort to hide something.

Lanie studied her. Kate looked like she had been caught, like a deer in headlight, pleading Lanie with her eyes to let it go. She decided to do that for now. But only because there was something - or somebody - else they needed to talk about.

"Did Castle join you for the case today?" Lanie asked, observing Kate closely. The blonde flight attendant seemed to be gone but they were still not back to normal and she knew that this was eating at her friend.

Why couldn't they just stop dancing around each other and jump into bed together?Kate looked at the floor, her face hidden behind her hair and shook her head. She reached for the bottle of wine and made attempts to open it. Lanie put her hand on hers and gently pulled her fingers away, placing the bottle out of her reach, along with the glasses.

"You are pregnant." It was not a question. The nausea, the exhaustion, the disgusting meal.Kate neither denied nor confirmed it. But the wide-eyed look was enough for Lanie. This scared the hell out of her. Lanie wondered who got her pregnant. This Hunt-guy? Someone she picked up after a case? Why would she do that? Lanie had thought she was working towards a relationship with Castle? What the hell was wrong with her?

Maybe that was the reason Castle was pulling away? Maybe he somehow had figured out that she had been sleeping with someone else? But Kate wouldn't do that, would she?Nothing made sense to Lanie.

"Who is the father?" Kate looked offended at the question. She shot her a look. Hurt that she would even have to ask. Which could only mean..."Ca...Ca...Castle?" Lanie asked, her jaw on the floor. "When? How?"

Kate sighed, deeply. Everything was just so exhausting. The pregnancy, Castle pulling away. She felt worn out.

"After Ryan's wedding. We shared a cab and when we were at my apartment I asked him if he wanted to come up. Of course he did and well..."She broke of, tears shimmering in her eyes. "It was amazing", she whispered, lost in thought.

Lanie was dumbfounded. She clearly hadn't expected this outcome when she went to share a bottle of wine with her friend and maybe talk some of one mystery writer."What happened?" The two of them were unbelievable. Why couldn't they just get their act together?

"I got a call about a body drop. I dressed and went to the crime scene. I left him a note to tell him where it was." Regret was openly shining in her eyes. "We just went back to the way it was before." Tears were streaming down her face now.

"Wait." Lanie said suddenly. "Ryan's wedding was two and a half months ago! How long have you known about the pregnancy?"

"Since the day of the bombing case." Her voice was so quiet and sad. Lanie could not find it in her to yell at her for keeping it a secret.

"That was three weeks ago! Did you tell Castle?" Maybe that was the reason he pulled away? But that was the most illogical answer. He would never pull away if he knew about the baby.Kate shook her head. "I wanted to tell him. But people kept interrupting us and when I finally had the time to talk to him he pulled away and waved me off." She took a breath and whipped some tears away before she continued. "And now he isn't there anymore and he's moved on."

She couldn't held it in anymore. She hugged her legs and started to sob into her knees. Lanie got up to walk over to her. She pulled her into an embrace and rubbed her back.

"You need to tell him", Lanie said after Kate had calmed down a little.

Kate nodded. She knew that. She just didn't know how.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It was already past midnight. Lanie had convinced her that she needed to tell him today and she had finally gathered up the courage to go to the loft.

He opened after the third knock.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he looked at her with that passive aggressive gaze. Like he hated her.

All she wanted to say was you but she forced it down. He was done waiting for her. No reason to embarrass herself.

"I'm pregnant", she said, not waiting to be let in. He didn't look like he wanted to invite her in. And she wasn't strong enough to argue with him. She just needed the words to get out before she chickened out again.

She saw his expression turn from angry to happy to sad in a matter of seconds.

"Pregnant?" He asked, holding the door open for her to enter. This wasn't something they should discuss in the hallway. Even Castle, who was currently angry with her, could see that.Once he had closed the door behind her, they stared at each other. Both waiting for the other to speak up first.

Kate wished he would react in one way or another. Hopefully he would... well, what? What did she hope he would do? She knew what she wanted him to do. But she also knew that it wouldn't happen. She wanted him to close her in his arms and tell her that they could do this together, that she didn't need to be afraid because he knew what to do... Yeah, not happening.

Rick kept staring at her. What did she want from him? Did she want child support from him? Did she want him to raise the child because she didn't want it? Oh god...Did she want an abortion? He knew she didn't love him but she wouldn't kill a child only because she didn't love the father, would she? He was too afraid to ask, so he kept silent.

"Pregnant", she confirmed, not knowing what else to say. Why couldn't he just say something? She felt sick. And it had nothing to do with the pregnancy. He looked like he was afraid. Why would he be afraid? Did he hate her so much that he feared he had to interact too much with her if they had a child together? She felt tears filling her eyes. She forced them back which made her urge to throw up even stronger.

"Look Castle, I know you hate me for some reason. But can you just say something?" She asked. He just studied her, still not sure what she wanted from him. But his fear that she would want to abort the child was gone. She wouldn't do something like this. And why bother to tell him about the pregnancy if she didn't intent to keep it, asked the more rational part of his brain. He still didn't know what to say. He didn't want to raise a child all by himself again. He even less wanted to see his child grow up with Kate and some other guy she would met and fall in love with. He wanted to raise this child with her. Together. But this wasn't an option. She didn't love him. So he didn't know what to say. He kept silent.

"Please", she begged. "Please say something" And now she couldn't stop the tears from running down her face. Oh god. She was pregnant and Castle hated her. This was a disaster.

"I don't hate you", Rick finally said. This was one thing he knew for sure.

"Yes, you do", she chocked between tears, not caring anymore that he saw her like this. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms, comfort her and tell her that they could do this together. But he couldn't. She didn't love him.

"No, I don't" I love you.

"But you are acting like it", she whispered while she watched her tears falling down on her shoes.

He suddenly felt terrible about how he had acted towards her. Sure, she had lied, let him believe that there was something there for him to wait for, when there clearly wasn't. But she didn't deserve how he had treated her the last days. Especially if she was scared as hell about this pregnancy, which she clearly was.

Why did it hurt him more to see her suffer than he hurt over her lie? Or over being strung along like that? He should be angry at her. Beyond angry. It just wasn't fair that he still cared so much for her when she clearly didn't love him back.

He sighed. He couldn't change his feelings. He wanted to be angry but all he felt was defeat and sadness.

"Look Kate, I'm sorry. For acting like a jackass. You didn't deserve that", he started. "I just need some time to get over you" Yeah, sure, as if that was ever possible. "But then we can figure out what to do about the baby and shared custody and everything, okay? I just need some time", he told her quietly, trying to be the strong one. They were going to have a baby together after all. Someone needed to be the adult and since she was obviously beyond scared about the baby it was his time to be the responsible one. And despite what most people believed he could be a responsible adult. He just didn't like it too much.

Kate looked at him in horror, more tears running down her face every second."Get over me?" She was barely able to get understandable words past the tears. "Why...I mean... What did I do?"

Castle looked at her. It hurt him to see her cry but there was nothing he could do about it without hurting himself even more. It seemed like she really had no clue. Normally he would be angry at her for even asking that question. But maybe this baby of his, inside her, made her brain work slow. So he gave her a hint.

"You lied"

The confusion made her tears stop for a few moments. "I lied?" she asked. What had she lied about?

There was only one thing that came to mind… Just as she realized what he was talking about he confirmed her assumptions.

"Remembering your shooting", it was out now. They would have had to talk about it sooner or later anyway. Especially if they would be raising a child together. Together of course as in shared custody. Not together together.

"Oh god... oh no... Oh Castle...Rick, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry", tears where running down her face again. This time for his pain. Caused by her.

"It's okay, Kate", he said defeated. He felt incredibly exhausted. And just a little relieved as well. It finally was in the open. "It just hurt that you let me believe that there was something to wait for. To be strung along for a whole year." She looked at him in shock. What was he talking about? Strung along? "Of course you not loving me back hurts too. But not as much as... One should think that you could have let me down easy...you know...as my friend...but apparently..." He should sound angry, but he was just too sad to even bother.

"Me not loving you back?" She stared at him wide-eyed. He thought she didn't love him. He thought she strung him along for a year. He thought there was nothing to wait for. He thought she didn't love him. She had royally screwed up.

"God, Castle, I'm so sorry for making you think that. I do love you. More than anything. I wanted to tell you during the bombing case but we got interrupted. And afterwards when I wanted to talk to you, you were already pulling away. Oh god I'm so sorry. And now you hate me. With good reason. But I love you and I am pregnant. But I love you and... and... and..."

"Then why lie?" He asked. He couldn't believe her until he understood why she lied to him.She inhaled deeply.

"Because I was selfish. I was shot and it was terrible. I missed you so much but I hated myself too much to present me to anyone but my dad, whom I threw out as soon as I could fetch myself coffee. And I just wanted things to get back to normal before I could dive into a relationship with you. I wanted to be with you but I knew I wasn't ready and would screw us up. I was still all about my mother's murder and my shooting, so deep down the rabbit hole that I needed you to pull me out as a friend, not a boyfriend. But I couldn't tell you this, so I lied. I'm so sorry. So sorry", she stopped and looked at him through her tear-clouded vision. "Is there anything I can do to fix this? Fix us?"

Please don't say that I screwed up beyond repair. Please Castle, let me make it up to you somehow. Please.

He took in her tear-stained face, the way she begged him with her eyes to forgive her. And there was nothing he could do about it. He was so madly, deeply in love with her, that there wasn't even the possibility for him to not forgive her. He would maybe need some time to get over her lie. But she did love him and that was everything that really counted.

"Say it again", he answered her.

Her eyes started to shine with relief, happiness, and well...love. Not seeing her sad anymore made Rick's heart lighter as well. Especially when she made a step towards him, the beginning of a smile on her lips. How could it be possible that only seeing the ghost of a smile like this on her face made the heartache so much less painful?

Feeling brave she took two more steps towards him until she could take his hands into hers. She then looked up to him. In her flats she was a head shorter than he was. But unlike with other man she didn't feel small or exposed. She felt safe and protected.

"I love you", she told him once again. Smiling as she saw how happy her words made him. "I love you so much. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than I want to catch my mother's killer. I love you so much, I think my heart is going to explode with all that love." She took a breath and tightened the hold on his fingers. "I love you, Richard Castle." It seemed like once she had started telling him how much she loved him she couldn't stop.

Every word of love she spoke soothed the hurt he had felt over the past three weeks and when she was done speaking it barely mattered anymore and he took her in for an embrace. He didn't kiss her. They weren't there yet and he didn't want to rush things this time.

"I love you too. I can't imagine my life without you", he told her in the most matter-of-factly tone she had ever heard from him. She tightened her hold around his waist and let her head rest on his chest.

After minutes he pulled slightly away, taking one hand away from her back. She looked up at him and saw him glancing down at her stomach.

"Can I...?" he made an up and down motion with his hand while looking down at her abdomen.She just took his hand and guided it down until it rested against their baby inside her, her hand resting on top of his while he gently stroked her stomach. She relaxed under his warm touch and let her head sink against his chest again.

"Do you now if we are going to have a boy or a girl?"She shook her head, grinning, while he pulled her away from the front door where they were still standing and seated them on his couch, her head in his lap and his hand on her stomach, like it was glued there. Maybe this position was too intimate after everything that had happened between them but it just felt right.

"You know we can't find out until I'm at least four and a half months along, right?" she asked, teasing him a little. He should know that. He had already been through a pregnancy with Meredith.

"Oh, right" he said, a little embarrassed. Of course he knew that. He had just momentarily forgotten because he was so excited about the idea of having a baby with Kate.

"But I wanted to call my doctor anyway to get an ultrasound done. You can come with me if you want?" She said shyly. Maybe he didn't want to go to the doctor's appointments with her, which would be fine. She could do it alone. She would rather not but she didn't want to make him go if he didn't want to. But when she looked up at him and he had his little-kid-on-Christmas-smile on his face, she knew his answer.

"Really?" He asked excitedly. "I can go with you?"Every word they were saying to each other made the heartache of the last three weeks lessen. For the both of them.

"Of course. You are the father." She suddenly felt a lot less scared about the baby than an hour ago.

"Meredith never took me with her. I wasn't even allowed in the room when Alexis was born. I didn't get an ultrasound picture because 'it's only black and white, Ricky. It's not like you can see anything and I also wasn't allowed to touch her belly at any time." His eyes got a regretful look and he unconsciously added slightly more pressure to her stomach as if he feared she would make him take his hand away. Stupid Meredith, Kate thought, while she took his hand and guided it under her shirt so he was closer to the baby.

"Well, I would love to have you with me", she said, enjoying the slight movement of his fingers against her naked skin. The unwell feeling she had had the last month disappeared under his touch. "In fact, I think I will be a lot less panicked if you are there" she admitted.

"There is nothing to panic about...okay maybe a little" he said chuckling. "A baby is a terrifying little thing. But we are going to do this together.""You have no idea how much I wanted you to say that" she told him.

He grinned down at her."Probably as much as I wanted to say it", he responded and leaned down to lightly touch her lips with his.

They were going to do this together.