[necRomancer]

All His Two Kidneys

Law wouldn't have gotten any of his precious feet out of the house that night if he hadn't run out of coffee powder. Now one could argue that such a petty thing would compel no one other a completely crazed, caffeine addicted, withdrawal-induced maniac to go out into a storm of all things, but maybe he was. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he was an addict. And maybe, just maybe, he had gone off without the darn thing for longer than his body could endure before attempting to destroy his head from the inside out.

With that nemesis tormenting him to hell and back - good lord, even his hair felt like it hurt - he wore his long coat and set out on the rain, which felt more like sharp icicles with how they pierced his skin. Or maybe they were icicles? With how it was dark and his eyes were slanted to the point of almost closing, they could be frozen bananas for all he knew.

Umbrella? He didn't need no umbrella. He was a grown man. There comes a time in life when you can't realy on these things no more. You just take the frozen banana rain to the face like a man.

He didn't lose the only one he had. Really.

And to help his already miserable situation (by making it even worse) the rain that poured on the ground was freezing like his darn bollocks inside his pants, so Law was basically ice dancing on the streets. Without skates. Or any actual dancing. So he was… ice? Just ice. And cold. And pain. Good lord, his face hurt. Why did he live where his face hurt?!

"AH!"

Law abruptly stopped at the unfamiliar voice and whipped his head so fast to the side that his brain did a complete, very painful flip inside his skull before settling upside down. On the other side of the street, was some guy that was way too undressed for the weather (and was that a straw hat on top of his head?) openly gawking at Law.

The raven looked to one side, then to the other, squinting to look around and make sure he wasn't missing on anything - because it sure felt like his eyeballs got upside down along with his brain - but there was no one else on the streets. Which was… unsurprising, he guessed? So this really was about him.

"Yes?" he shouted back, crinkling his mouth to one side and squinting, and just… waiting. And then waiting a little more. The guy was still there, staring at him and making faces, under the - Law just noticed - sole light pole that was working on the other side of the street. Well, that was nice. Very nice. Didn't make him look like a creep or anything.

And of course the guy yelled "You're wearing your underwear inside out!" in response to Law's polite inquiry.

And the raven wasn't surprised. Maybe confused, but not surprised. Why would it be anything that made sense? People didn't make sense. Especially not people who went out in the middle of the night in a raging storm for whatever reason. Hell; for all he knew the guy wanted coffee powder too.

"Thanks," Law yet again shouted, for… what exactly? He didn't even know anymore. His headache made it difficult to think, but hey, at least he made a weirdo's day - the guy smiled so bright it almost outshone the light post above him.

The guy screamed 'you're welcome!' very jovially and just began walking like nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. No exchange with a complete stranger about their underwear. And Law, well, Law did the same. What else could he do? If anything the, uh, 'conversation' made him crave caffeine even worse, because there was a huge chance that was a hallucination. That would certainly make a lot more sense than what just transpired being an actual thing that took place in reality.

As Law was about to turn the street up ahead, he heard the same jovial voice screaming and, as he looked back to check, witnessed the guy yelling 'what do you mean he wasn't actually thankful?!' to… a... street sign.

Neat.

Law got his coffee, but it had a price, and it wasn't only what was on the tag at the convenience store (dear lord, was it expensive). After being bitten by a rabid snowflake on the way back from that money ripping, claustrophobic turd, he had transformed into a super hero, the amazing Popsicle Man. He would now use his incredible powers to… be cold and... yummy… to save the day from… stuff.

Oh, to hell with distracting his mind from the fact that he was checking his underwear to see if it was really inside out.

It was.

How could the guy tell from that distance? Law could barely make out anything on him besides the fact that he had a hat and smiled like the bloody Joker. Law's coat went past over his knees, though, and was closed tight and bundled up - Law was essentially a human cocoon. Maybe the guy had special x-ray-thing goggles on him?

Good lord, what a pervert.

Surprisingly, Law didn't wake up sick the next morning. He was quite okay save for the black lines under his eyes that he could swear got worse every day. Law took a good sniff of the coffee powder before placing it into the machine (poor thing was worse than Wall-E at that point but golly if it wasn't standing strong) and sighed, getting ready for yet another day where he'd have to endure people, and the cold. He didn't know which was worse, honestly, but having to suffer through both of them was definitely

Fully clothed, Law sat by the table and stared lifelessly at the fruit bowl while he poured himself some of the freshly brewed sauce of the devil. Huh, fruit. T'would be good to be a fruit. Fruits don't think. Fruits don't have to be nice to other fruits. They just sit there and exist. Poof, banana.

But Law, no, he can't have the nice things. He has to drink coffee to keep himself from becoming an insufferable twat, because he can't be mean to other people, nuh-uh, he has to be nice to them, because if he isn't, they get on his nerves and then he gets on their nerves. Literally. Because he hits them.

Bloody hell.

He still doesn't like the taste of this damn coffee.

"...and then she came to me and I was like, oh baby girl, I know you love me but I can't be yours - I belong to the night," Shachi proclaimed poetically as they walked, almost like he was reading a script from his mind rather than telling something that actually happened which, of course, didn't.

"Yeah, and then you woke up and fell from your bed," Penguin joked, almost tripping on Law's foot as he reached around to punch Shachi's shoulder. Law sighed out loud, staring at the skies as if they could save him.

"Just take me already," he muttered.

"Oh, he's broody again."

"Aren't I always? Thought you'd be used to it by now."

"Yeah but there's some days where you exhale your broodiness like you're a flamethrower of doom," Penguin contemplates as he waves his hands around like it's supposed to mean something.

"Are we really around the same age? 'Cause I feel like I'm going to university with two little children who think I'm a super hero."

Shachi snorted offensively loud. "Yeah, right. What super hero? The incredible Moody Man?"

Well that wasn't any better than Popsicle Man, that's for sure.

"Congrats on the creativity. Now, Moody Man here needs to go to his HQ to get his magical hero stuff done, so," Law tilted his head towards the crossroad to the left, "I'll see you to-"

Law frowned as he bumped into something (someone?) sturdy, and took a step back with an apology at the tip of his tongue, but then whoever he bumped into looked up and him and smiled and-

That smile.

That bloody smile.

"Look, it's the underwear man!"

Crap.

Law was definitely the Popsicle Man, because he froze so bad and so sudden that a statue could probably move more than him. Or wanted to.

"The… underwear man?" Penguin inquired, still beside Law, who had completely forgotten anyone existed in the entire world for a split second. For another second, he wished that was the case.

The guy- boy- person- thing, giggled and then smiled again, even brighter than last time. "I'm glad I met you last night, Law," he said and, tiptoeing all the way to oblivion because of their height difference, whispered in Law's ear, "And you're wearing your underwear right this time. I'm so happy for you!" Then he casually backed off and winked.

What-

What the-

What just-

What?

Then the guy-boy-thing smiled again, said something about monkeys and Lu… Lufkin? Law's brain cells were way too numb to comprehend anything more than that. The Lufkin person shook his hand and adjusted his hat on top of his head, and then he was off into the distance, and Law stood there, watching, still, with his arm still bent and hand trembling because it was colder than a witch's tit and because of the effort his neurons were putting into not committing suicide.

He slowly turned his eyes to his friends, who were standing there just as petrified but definitely not for the same reasons, and he just- he just slowly raised a trembling finger to them, like he didn't have half the brain he had three seconds ago because the other half rage-quitted, and gave a small lopsided smile so fake that it would put a WWE match to shame. "I can explain-"

But Shachi and Penguin both just turned around and walked away, muttering 'it's okay' and 'you don't have to explain anything' as if they really didn't want to be involved in… whatever this was, which was actually more insulting and embarrassing for the raven than if he had to explain what that was all about. And he could bet all his two kidneys that they did it on purpose.

Law groaned, running a hand through his hair and preparing to continue his way back home before stopping short as he saw the weirdo standing still by the other end of the street. The guy looked at the… what the hell, a wall? Well there was a plant on the wall so perhaps he was staring at the plant, but he looked like he wanted to kill it.

"What do you mean I embarrassed Law?! I even had the decency to whisper the other stuff!" he roared, and Law… Law actually pitied that poor plant.

But eh, it was probably just a wild encounter. It's not like he'd ever see this person again. It was funny how he seemed to know Law's name even though he absolutely didn't tell him, but then again, the guy was talking to a plant.

Problem solved; time to move on and drink some coffee.

On the next chapter:

"Christ on a bike, why hast thou forsaken me?"

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