Hidden Love
By Raven Pan
(Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like playing with them. I promise to put them back when I'm done!)
*
I love you. Of course I can never tell you that. I always have, though not the way that I do now. But, you could never accept me. In fact, I'm certain if you learned of how I felt for you, you would throw me out of Twin Suns before I could ask "Why".
That's a good question. Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What happened?
It used to be simple. I remember, years ago, coming to visit Han. The other Jedi would all go home, and Luke would take me to Coruscant to visit with your father while he visited with his sister.
In the wee hours of the morning, after one nightmare too many I would often sit at the picture window, thinking. No, brooding. Invariably, you would pad out in your feeted pyjamas. Your hair hung over your shoulders in two small braids, the end of one which you were always chewing. Sometimes you were dancing around, putting a toy X-wing through such maneuvres a pilot would be insane to pull off. Who knew years later you would be performing those exact maneuvres in defense of life as we knew it?
Most of the time, though, you'd be chewing on your braid, and hugging onto a stuffed bantha as you padded up to me in my own personal brooding zone. "Unca Kyp?" you'd always say.
And I always answered, "I'm not your uncle, it's just Kyp."
You were always stubborn. You'd just keep on calling me uncle, and climb up into my lap whether I wanted you there or not. Usually not. Then again, who was I to deny you? And so, I'd sit looking out the window, and you'd cuddle up to me, sitting in my lap. And ask questions.
So many questions - I often wondered where you got all of them. Eventually your energy would run out, and you would fall asleep. I'd take you back to your bed, tuck you in, then go to the guest room where I stayed. And I would sleep a kind, dreamless sleep.
You were kind of like my own personal little angel, reminding me of just how much I was missing and at the same time giving me so much. You gave me family, and I loved you for that. It was sort of a family kind of love, a fondness relatives might have one for another.
Things quickly changed when you came to the Academy. I was off away from Yavin most of the time, and when I returned a few years later, things had changed. Perhaps it's because of stories you'd heard, perhaps it's just because nobody else there cared for me. Whatever it was, I was no longer 'Unca Kyp'... I wasn't even your friend. I was just, 'Durron.'
That hurt, to know the sweet adoring little girl who chased away my nightmares, was now grown into a girl who couldn't stand the sight of me. So I stayed away. I gathered to myself a group of pilots and went after pirates and smugglers in my lone-wolf of a quest for justice.
One day, I came into a room in Lando's place to check on the record for running through the asteroid belt. And what did I see, but the most beautiful young lady I'd ever set eyes on.
Imagine my surprise when I found out it was you.
Something happened to my heart then... something unexpected, unwarranted.
Then I did a foolish thing, in stead of trying to gain your friendship again, I manipulated you into helping me in my personal war against the Vong. Of course you would have been angry with me, and your dislike of me would grow.
Stang, you're lovely even when you're angry.
Imagine my dismay when I saw you begin to flirt with darkness. Slipping to the darkness in your grief. That was something I knew all too well, and I couldn't let you continue on your descent. I didn't care, at that moment, whether you hated me forever or not - I just cared about getting you back to the safety of the Light. After that, you could do what you wished.
That's when I realised I'd fallen in love with you. The love I always held in my heart for the little angel had grown into the sort of love a man would have for a woman. I have no right to love you that way.
Then, you called me up to the rooftop for a picnic. He was there, but I had grown accustomed to the knowledge that your affections were for him alone. That was alright, I could continue loving you from afar.
You confirmed what I already knew. I was not 'Unca Kyp', I wasn't a friend... but you did accept me as a partner in crime, your trickster's war against the Vong.
I will stand at your side, or fly by it, for as long as you will allow me. And I will always love you. You'll probably never know that, but that's alright.
My happiness was never an issue, was never meant to be. I'm a man caught tangled in a web of hostility and self-loathing. Yes, I hate myself, I hate what I've done, I hate everything about myself. I hate that to hold onto the light I have to struggle with all that I am. Happiness is not meant for me. Never has been, never will be.
Your happiness is everything. Be happy with him, Jaya. Just... be happy.
I don't even know why I'm writing this down on a scrap of flimsy. You'll never see it. You'll never know. You can never know how deeply I truely feel for you. Never.
*
Kyp looked up as the door to his quarters swished open. He quickly crumpled up the piece of flimsy and tossed it into the corner, barely missing the trash bin. He smiled enigmatically, "Hey there Goddess, what task have you for your lowly porter?"
Please review! If you do, maybe I'll write more! *smile* -=waves hand mysteriously=- Go on, push that button, you know you want to!
^@*@^
By Raven Pan
(Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like playing with them. I promise to put them back when I'm done!)
*
I love you. Of course I can never tell you that. I always have, though not the way that I do now. But, you could never accept me. In fact, I'm certain if you learned of how I felt for you, you would throw me out of Twin Suns before I could ask "Why".
That's a good question. Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What happened?
It used to be simple. I remember, years ago, coming to visit Han. The other Jedi would all go home, and Luke would take me to Coruscant to visit with your father while he visited with his sister.
In the wee hours of the morning, after one nightmare too many I would often sit at the picture window, thinking. No, brooding. Invariably, you would pad out in your feeted pyjamas. Your hair hung over your shoulders in two small braids, the end of one which you were always chewing. Sometimes you were dancing around, putting a toy X-wing through such maneuvres a pilot would be insane to pull off. Who knew years later you would be performing those exact maneuvres in defense of life as we knew it?
Most of the time, though, you'd be chewing on your braid, and hugging onto a stuffed bantha as you padded up to me in my own personal brooding zone. "Unca Kyp?" you'd always say.
And I always answered, "I'm not your uncle, it's just Kyp."
You were always stubborn. You'd just keep on calling me uncle, and climb up into my lap whether I wanted you there or not. Usually not. Then again, who was I to deny you? And so, I'd sit looking out the window, and you'd cuddle up to me, sitting in my lap. And ask questions.
So many questions - I often wondered where you got all of them. Eventually your energy would run out, and you would fall asleep. I'd take you back to your bed, tuck you in, then go to the guest room where I stayed. And I would sleep a kind, dreamless sleep.
You were kind of like my own personal little angel, reminding me of just how much I was missing and at the same time giving me so much. You gave me family, and I loved you for that. It was sort of a family kind of love, a fondness relatives might have one for another.
Things quickly changed when you came to the Academy. I was off away from Yavin most of the time, and when I returned a few years later, things had changed. Perhaps it's because of stories you'd heard, perhaps it's just because nobody else there cared for me. Whatever it was, I was no longer 'Unca Kyp'... I wasn't even your friend. I was just, 'Durron.'
That hurt, to know the sweet adoring little girl who chased away my nightmares, was now grown into a girl who couldn't stand the sight of me. So I stayed away. I gathered to myself a group of pilots and went after pirates and smugglers in my lone-wolf of a quest for justice.
One day, I came into a room in Lando's place to check on the record for running through the asteroid belt. And what did I see, but the most beautiful young lady I'd ever set eyes on.
Imagine my surprise when I found out it was you.
Something happened to my heart then... something unexpected, unwarranted.
Then I did a foolish thing, in stead of trying to gain your friendship again, I manipulated you into helping me in my personal war against the Vong. Of course you would have been angry with me, and your dislike of me would grow.
Stang, you're lovely even when you're angry.
Imagine my dismay when I saw you begin to flirt with darkness. Slipping to the darkness in your grief. That was something I knew all too well, and I couldn't let you continue on your descent. I didn't care, at that moment, whether you hated me forever or not - I just cared about getting you back to the safety of the Light. After that, you could do what you wished.
That's when I realised I'd fallen in love with you. The love I always held in my heart for the little angel had grown into the sort of love a man would have for a woman. I have no right to love you that way.
Then, you called me up to the rooftop for a picnic. He was there, but I had grown accustomed to the knowledge that your affections were for him alone. That was alright, I could continue loving you from afar.
You confirmed what I already knew. I was not 'Unca Kyp', I wasn't a friend... but you did accept me as a partner in crime, your trickster's war against the Vong.
I will stand at your side, or fly by it, for as long as you will allow me. And I will always love you. You'll probably never know that, but that's alright.
My happiness was never an issue, was never meant to be. I'm a man caught tangled in a web of hostility and self-loathing. Yes, I hate myself, I hate what I've done, I hate everything about myself. I hate that to hold onto the light I have to struggle with all that I am. Happiness is not meant for me. Never has been, never will be.
Your happiness is everything. Be happy with him, Jaya. Just... be happy.
I don't even know why I'm writing this down on a scrap of flimsy. You'll never see it. You'll never know. You can never know how deeply I truely feel for you. Never.
*
Kyp looked up as the door to his quarters swished open. He quickly crumpled up the piece of flimsy and tossed it into the corner, barely missing the trash bin. He smiled enigmatically, "Hey there Goddess, what task have you for your lowly porter?"
Please review! If you do, maybe I'll write more! *smile* -=waves hand mysteriously=- Go on, push that button, you know you want to!
^@*@^