Lyrics are taken from the song Without you by The Feeling.
W h e n. t h e. L i g h t s. g o. D o w n.
Winters come and summers go
Last time round for all we know
Wonder what the time is in London
He had promised. Promised her not to call, not to write, not to think of her. And for the first time in his life, Jacob Black willingly broke a promise. But, honestly, he could not have kept it even if he wanted to.
There was no way he could stop thinking about Bella, his Bells. There was no corner in the world for her to hide where his thoughts would not end up finding her. She might be able to hide from him, her life, her choices she would eventually have to face; Isabella Swan could outrun almost all of her burdens for a while. But she could not outrun his thoughts, because she was his every thought.
Everything he saw, smelled, heard, felt and knew was Bella. Not only did he see her face in front of him every time he closed his eyes or when he dreamt at night. He saw the colour of her brown hair in a wooden bench at a parking lot by First Beach; smelled her strawberry scent in a supermarket in Port Angeles; heard her peaky voice in the rush of the ocean and felt her pale skin in the softly breaking waves.
No, Isabella Swan was Jacob Black's every thought and there was no way he would ever want to change that. After all, it was the only way she belonged to him. And even if she never saw sense, he would have that part of her secured in his head and he severely hoped he would not go senile one day. The fear of her memories just slipping through his fingers unnoticed was too scary and agonizing.
And so he broke his promise the moment he made it. Even if it was only the "thinking-part". The other's he did stick to: never calling her, never writing her (as if he would have been able to since he had no idea where exactly she was), never trying to track her down. He let her be; let her go and set her free. But he kept her locked in his head.
She would not find a way out of there too easily…
As they tear this world apart
Step by step it breaks my heart
Wonder what the time is in London
She is in London, that he knows, somewhere in some motel, too cheap and too dirty. She wants to be alone, by herself. There are decisions she has to make and she said she could not make them here – here where everything was too close, especially the things she could lose.
And so she left on a common rainy day in July, made Jacob promise to live as if she had never been a part of his life for a little while, traced her cold fingers across his burning russet cheek, got in the ancient truck he rebuilt and fixed for her, slammed the door shut and… left.
Just like that.
Well, she had been planning this for a while. It was not as if you can simply get into the car and head off to London for an indefinite span of time, not if you wanted it to work out.
He had accepted her plan, secretly declaring her for insane, not bugging her with it. Without ever trying to stop her, he watched her plan in silence - she never told him or anyone else more than necessary - and tried to find peace with the idea of his Bells leaving. Once again, he tried to be the best friend he could be.
But there was one question he could not simply let die on his tongue. And so, one afternoon, two weeks before Bella wanted to leave, he simply asked it, feeling lighter immediately after the weight of the unspoken words had left him..
How long?
She had not really been surprised, not even disappointed. The look on her face had been plain, her left eyebrow slightly arched more than usual while she skimmed through a travel guide.
He never got a verbal answer. She only raised the right half of her mouth a little, forming a strange smile.
And he understood.
As long as it takes…
I know I'm not the only lonely child
Thirty dead and one teenage gun man
I wonder what the time is in London
Without you
Jacob lived his life, the part of it that could be without Bella – just like he promised. Only once did he hear from her.
It was a week after she had left and Charlie stopped by to pick up Billy for a fishing trip. He looked nervous, anxious – like he had constantly looked like since Bella's departure.
He told Jacob that she called, that she was fine and that everything was okay.
She called. She is okay.
I get up early every morning (without you)
I open up the blind and let the dawn in (without you)
And then I think about growing older (without you)
And my blood runs a little colder (without you)
Jacob graduated. He stood there in front of Rachel and Rebecca's old closet - the only full-sized mirror in the house at its door - and regarded himself in his robe. He thought that he looked ridiculous, but somehow he felt proud; a little part of him, because he made it through high school and all that.
But most of him was missing something. Someone…
It had been almost a year now since she left, almost twelve months. And he had no idea what she was up to.
The months had passed, not necessarily slower than they had before. But suddenly he had been slightly confused, overstrained with all the time he suddenly had, time which he had formerly occupied with Bella.
He had not thought it would be this long; maybe a month or two, half a year at the most.
Not a year.
Charlie told him she called again a couple of months ago, a point when he still counted on Bella to just pull up his drive any minute. But all that he had been able to tell Jacob was that she had needed documents and a lot of stuff he had no idea about.
She planned to stay longer…
He accepted it – again. He had promised.
And so Jacob Black graduated, smiled into the camera, had a bonfire with the pack, joked with Quil and Embry about being an adult now and all kinds of immature things.
But his mind was in a different place…
It's raining hard in North Virginia
Just like London town
For a while he considered college. But that thought was recycled soon due to a vampire problem The pack needed him and, in fact, he never really intended to leave La Push.
She might still come back. She would. That had been the plan. Her plan.
So he hunted vampires with the others, became godfather to Sam's son Adam, worked in his makeshift garage for some much-needed cash, ran through the forests, went cliff-diving.
He was not angry. No, he understood.
But he was scared. And that fear grew stronger every day.
She is so fragile…
Tales of screams from giant screens
Full of fear and full of beans
Wonder what the news is in London
It was a sunny Sunday afternoon when Jacob Black decided to move on. Eighteen months, three weeks and five days after Bella left, he settled with the idea that maybe she did make her choice – and it was not him. Not this. Not home.
It hurt, but not as much as he had assumed. It stung. But she was still there. In the part of his heart which always belonged to her. She nestled there and he kept it warm.
Maybe she stumbled in front of a subway…
He counted with a message like that every day. But that was mostly the only thought he had about Isabella Swan.
No vampires for three months and he opened a proper garage with some saved money and a little help from Billy, friends and… Charlie.
Jacob knew how sorry Charlie felt for him. And Jacob felt sorry for Charlie. For how sick he was these days, pale and anxious.
And for the first time, he actually started to feel angry about what Bella did. Not that she left, but how she left everyone behind.
But that feeling dissolved pretty quickly. He could not hate her.
He started to date a girl named Cathy. She was a year younger than him; tiny, reddish-brown, curly hair, green eyes. She was funny, a lovely girl. He knew that.
Each touch, each word, each kiss he gave her came from his heart - honest.
But something inside him was screaming.
Tell me what I've always known
Life is love and love's at home
Wonder if they miss me in London
Cathy left him after six months. She was not stupid, of course not. She knew that he loved her, in his own way, but she also knew that he wished she was someone else. There were problems he did not talk about. And she felt betrayed and sad, because she loved him.
And so she leaves.
He was left alone. Again.
The garage was running fine and Jacob got over the break up. He was not really sad; rather disappointed with himself that he could not just make it work.
Billy had a stroke that month and Jacob closed the garage. All he did after that was take care of his father.
For months and months and Billy got better – he had always been a fighter and Jacob had always been good at fixing things and people. But money ran out, the old red house started to yearn for some much needed attention, Embry imprinted, Leah left, Emily gave birth to a girl.
And Jacob started to miss her; started to regret the promise he had made almost three years ago.
He stopped phasing the day Billy had another stroke.
These are the things that make us glad we're still alive
Even though your heart's in the dungeon
I wonder what the time is in London (without you)
It would not turn out okay this time. Jacob knew that. And so he did everything he could to make it easier.
He fixed the house, cared for Billy every second, asked people for money, disgracing himself in his point of view.
He only wanted to make it better.
Rebecca was pregnant – she could not help him, lived her life in Hawaii. She sent him a little money now and then, called twice a week, apologized for not being there with him.
Rachel was there, but she was not a big help, either. She was scared. And Jacob understood. He could barely remember the day his mother died in that crash – but his sisters did. Too clearly.
And this time it was slower, creepier. Rachel could not stand watching her father die.
So Jacob was alone.
And he wished for only two things; for Billy to just die. As harsh as it sounded, it was not because he wanted to get rid of him. No. He would do everything in his power to get him healthy again. But he simply couldn't. And so he wished for life to just let Billy go and not hold him back here, unable to take care of himself, with his son whose thoughts were always somewhere else, guilt clear in his every action.
And for the very first time he really wished, begged, for Bella to come back.
He was not mad anymore. He only wanted her back with him.
I get up early every morning (without you)
I open up the blind and let the dawn in (without you)
And then I think about growing older (without you)
And my blood runs a little colder (without you)
It was a gray, clouded day, damp air, fog hovering over the streets even in the afternoon, when Jacob heard a car pulling up in his driveway. It startled him because he did not recognize the sound - and he knew the sound of cars. He dropped the screwdriver and walked into the kitchen, pulling aside the curtain at the small window.
He had wished for it. But he had not expected it.
But there she was. His Bells; getting out of a tiny red Ford, her brown hair cut to shoulder-length, her face a little older than the last time he saw her, over four years ago. Her hands were trembling nervously as she closed the car's door and stared at the house in front of her.
It took Jacob a second to open the front door and cross the small front yard, coming to a stop a metre in front of Bella.
She looked at him surprised, nervous, shy; but most of all, she looked guilty, like a child who accidentally destroyed something wealthy and was now confessing it to its parents.
She opened her mouth, parting her lips slightly, then dropped her head again.
"You're home," Jacob said quietly and she met his gaze.
She nodded.
And then he kissed her as if nothing ever happened. Because she came back. To him.
That had been the plan all along, hadn't it?
It's raining hard in North Virginia
Just like London town
It's raining hard in North Virginia
Just like London town
They never talked about it, not really. They had lived their lives during these four years and there was no need to discuss any reasons for that.
Bella worked in a store in Forks; it was not much but at least something.
They married a month after her return. It was nothing big – they could not afford that. But it seemed appropriate and they both felt it was right.
They both took care of Billy now. Rebecca came for a visit shortly after the wedding, placing a little black-haired boy in Billy's tired arms. And everyone smiled.
Bella found out she was pregnant three months later. They were happy and they would deal with it somehow.
It would all work out.
Billy died in December, the day before Christmas. Jacob spent the day in his bedroom while Bella arranged everything necessary for him.
They buried his father and things went back to normal. It was just the way things went. They knew that.
It was never easy for them. But it was always so right.
Jacob worked again and money came a little easier and when their son was born, they knew that this time things would be okay.
And they were.
Not easy, because life is never easy. But they lived and a few years later Bella told Jacob how very happy she was that she was older now. That she made this choice.
That she chose the complicated way, the rough one, the one with obstacles.
Life.
And things were okay.