Winner Takes Off

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

A back-and-forth series of scams leads to RK and Wade tricking Jaylynn into thinking she won the Washington state lottery, but it has unintended consequences.

1. Winner Takes Off Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 5

Airdate: October 15, 2018

"Winner Takes Off" (cover of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode of the same name)

Original teleplay written by Casey Maxwell Clair

#TYH705

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

One night, RK is watching TV. Cut to the TV showing an advertisement for the Washington state lottery. A four-year-old kid is eating breakfast one morning when his dad comes in the kitchen.

DAD: Alright, Jake, I'm on my way to play the numbers.

JAKE: Dad, when will I be able to play lotto?

DAD: When you're old enough, son, which is in the next 40 years.

JAKE: Ah, man.

Dissolve into several years later, when an adult Jake has his own lottery ticket and is waiting for the numbers to be called.

VOICEOVER: And the winning numbers are...6, 13, 22, 35, 44, and 58!

JAKE: YES! YES, I DID IT, I'M RICH!

Jake hugs his wife and his now-elderly father.

DAD: I knew you could do it, son.

JAKE: You know something, pop? I knew I could do it too.

Cut to a picture of a lottery ticket sitting on a table, right next to the Mega Millions logo.

VOICEOVER: The Washington state Mega Millions lottery. Carry on tradition.

RK: I don't know what the hell I just saw.

At that point, Wade runs into the house.

RK: Hey Wade.

WADE: Hey. Where's Buster?

RK: It's McChicken Day for him and Sparky.

WADE: Damn, really? I wanted to show him this too.

RK: Show him what?

WADE: You know the game three-card Monte?

RK: I think so, but I've never played before.

WADE: Well, Adriana just taught me. It's really easy to set up, and if you know what you're doing, you can scam so many people out of their money.

RK: A card game based on deception with big cash prizes? Alright, I'll bite. So how do you play?

WADE: Okay, here we go.

Wade sets up three cards on RK's coffee table.

WADE: Okay, now there are three different cards here on the table. The jack of spades, the jack of clubs, and the queen of hearts. What you need to do in order to win is find the queen. How much do you want to bet?

RK: I'm not giving you my money!

WADE: RK, that's the point of the game. When this is all done, you get your money back.

RK: Oh, okay.

WADE: Now, what's your bet?

RK: I got five on it.

RK takes out a five-dollar bill and puts it on the table.

WADE: Okay, so now what I will do is move the cards around, and you have to figure out where the queen is. If you do, you get ten bucks. But if you don't, I get ten bucks.

RK: Alright, do your thing.

Wade slowly shuffles the cards around while RK watches him. Wade stops shuffling.

WADE: Pick the card.

RK: It's the one in the middle.

WADE: You sure?

RK: I'm sure.

WADE: Alright, turn it over.

RK turns the card over to reveal the queen of hearts, and Wade gives him five dollars to go with the $5 bill he originally bet.

RK: Yes! I'm going to be a millionaire by the end of this.

WADE: Okay, here we go.

Wade shuffles the cards around the table again, but this time, he is much faster.

WADE: Where's the queen?

RK: Right there. And I got ten on it.

WADE: Turn it over.

RK turns the card over on the left and it is the queen of hearts.

RK: Wade, this is too easy. Where's the deception?

WADE: Oh, you'll see.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Wade shuffles the cards around one more time while RK looks at his fingernails with a bored expression.

WADE: You want to raise the bet?

RK: Hell yeah. Seven straight wins, of course I do. Fifty bucks says the card in the middle is the queen.

WADE: Flip it over.

RK: Alright, I do a little knuckle cracking...

RK cracks his knuckles.

RK: Then some muscle flexing...

RK flexes his muscles.

RK: And with a simple flick of the wrist, I can figure out that the card in the middle is...

RK flips the card over, but it turns out to be the jack of clubs.

RK: ...not the queen. It's not the queen, I lost! How did I lose? I can't lose!

WADE: First rule of gambling, RK: The house always wins. See, I always know where the card is because I'm the dealer, and a lot of people will keep raising the bet because they can't walk away. So one of two things will happen: Either the bet gets too high and they quit because they're afraid, or they lose all their money. Nobody gets out alive.

RK: But what if someone keeps winning and they don't care how high the bet gets raised?

WADE: Well, once they give you the money to bet, you just distract them with something stupid and run away. Something like "See, that's an interesting thing because..." and then you just get the hell out of the vicinity.

RK: Damn, that's downright evil. Let's take Buster to the cleaners tonight!

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is playing three-card Monte later that night, with RK as the dealer.

BUSTER: The card on the left? Yeah, the card on the left. That's the queen.

RK: You sure about that?

BUSTER: Positive. In fact, I'm so sure, I'm betting all the money in my wallet, and my gift card for Pizza Hut.

RK: I don't know what the equivalent is to a Pizza Hut gift card.

WADE: Ignore it.

RK: Alright, Buster, forty bucks and a gift card? Flip it over.

Buster flips the card over, but it ends up being the jack of spades.

BUSTER: NO! I LOST EVERYTHING!

RK: No, you didn't. Here's your money back.

RK gives Buster back his money.

BUSTER: Um, okay. How were you able to beat me?

RK: Because you were going to get cocky and start raising the bet, and eventually, you would end up losing. So there's no way you would be able to win.

BUSTER: That's like, from another dimension. You guys should go into business and start hustling other kids out of their money.

WADE: I don't know. I can't see myself trying to con people.

RK: Hey, if we do this, we're only doing this for a short time. Plus, we already have a shill.

WADE: You're right. Buster would make a great shill.

BUSTER: What the hell's a shill?

RK: You ever notice how on Monday Night RAW, they advertise a million things that nobody gives a shit about?

BUSTER: Okay, I get it now.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next day, RK and Wade have set up a table for their three-card Monte business. RK is shuffling the cards around while wearing a straw boater hat and a blazer designed to look like the stripes of the American flag.

RK: Come one, come all! Try your luck and win big bucks! Where the cards go, it's up to you to know! And trust me, you're not getting any regular dog and pony show, no sir. You're getting the full Monte.

WADE: Do you really have to wear that stupid uniform?

RK: Wade, I'm trying to put on a show. It's just not about the game. These kids want to be entertained. If you carry yourself like a showman, it will be more authentic.

WADE: You know what? As long as we make money, you can sing the national anthem in French while covered in banana pudding.

RK: Ah, I taught you well. Alright, Buster, time to shill. Now, kids, Buster over here's first up. I'm shuffling these cards around and Buster has to have a sharp eye for the action. See, these three little cards are going coast to coast like butter and toast. So, Newman, tell me where the queen of hearts is.

BUSTER: Right there. The one in the middle. I bet, um...seven bucks.

RK: Seven bucks says you're wrong.

BUSTER: I'M NOT!

RK: Okay, man, flip it over.

Buster flips the card in the middle and gets the queen of hearts.

RK: He did it on his first try, boys and girls. And now, he gets to take home some cash.

BUSTER: Let me do it again. I'm hyped now.

RK begins shuffling again.

RK: Alright, Buster, you're in it to win it. It's about time for you to get some shine. You may love music and you might like art, but you ain't spit if you can't find the queen of hearts.

BUSTER: Twenty bucks says the card on the right.

RK: Alright, Buster has twenty on it. Let's see what goes down.

Buster flips over the card on the right and it ends up being the queen of hearts.

RK: There you go! I'm getting more and more broke by the minute, but Buster is getting richer! Okay, who wants to play a little three-card Monte?

SANNA: I'll play.

At that point, dollar signs pop up in RK and Wade's eyes.

BUSTER: Guys, you might want to get your eyes checked. Something's wrong.

A bored RK and Wade look at Buster with the dollar signs erased from their eyes.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

RK shuffles the cards around and Sanna picks the card on the left.

RK: You sure?

SANNA: Yup. I bet $200 on it.

RK: Okay, well, flip it like a pancake and see what you got.

Sanna flips over the card on the left and gets the jack of clubs.

SANNA: Ugh! Are you kidding me?

RK: Sorry, Sanna, that's just the way the game goes.

WADE: Yeah, it's a shame. Total shame that is.

RK: You know, if you have more money, you can give it another shot.

SANNA: No, I'm bored. Enjoy the money.

Sanna leaves while RK and Wade high five each other.

RK: Dude, we're making money hand over fist.

WADE: What are we going to do with it all?

RK: I don't know, roll around in it on the floor shirtless? That way, we can really feel the cash and it will become a part of our DNA.

WADE: You're a very confusing young man.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

At lunch, the boys are talking up their new business.

RK: I'm telling you, guys, there's no better way to make money than three-card Monte. No matter what, people lose. And they lose big. Ah, the beauty of hubris.

BUSTER: But I already know about your scam. Why are you telling me about it again?

Wade slaps Buster's shoulder as Sparky and Jaylynn look at RK and Wade with confusion.

RK: Um, um...he means the underground shit that we did with Skam. Yeah, and the shit we did with Rawkus too, that shit was fat.

SPARKY: Wait, are you guys just trying to take money from other kids?

WADE: Buster doesn't know what he's talking about. He's just upset that he lost five dollars playing the game. Wade grabs Buster by the back of his neck. Isn't he?

BUSTER: Yeah, I suck. I can't even play go fish.

JAYLYNN: I feel like you guys would lose all your money if you faced someone that was about it.

RK: Who, like you?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You would get cleaned out in a hurry. That game looks too easy anyway.

WADE: Well, Jaylynn, if you really think that, why don't you come to the table? It's open to everyone.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I will.

BUSTER: I was never even good at collecting baseball cards. I once tried to get a Derek Jeter rookie card, and they ended up giving me a Joe Torre.

WADE: Okay, Buster.

BUSTER: I'm just saying, I didn't even know Joe Torre had his own baseball card. He was a manager, not a player.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Later on, having accepted Wade's challenge, Jaylynn flips the card over on the left and gets the queen of hearts.

JAYLYNN: HA! I'm already on a roll.

WADE: RK, I don't know about this. Jaylynn's won three times.

RK: Dude, did you forget? The house always wins. You know what, Jaylynn? I guess I was wrong. You cleaned us out for sure and that's the end of that. Come on, Wade, let's go.

RK and Wade begin to pack up and leave.

JAYLYNN: Hey, we just got started. You don't want to do it one more time?

RK: Nah, I have to go call Anna about...some random thing I can't think of right now.

WADE: And I have to go draw a sketch of a particle accelerator.

JAYLYNN: Well, it looks like...hey, wait, what's that?

RK: What's what, Jay?

Jaylynn begins sniffing around.

JAYLYNN: Smells like chicken in here. KFC, original recipe, all herbs and spices.

WADE: Do you hear this, RK?

RK: Yeah. How dare you call us out our name like that? We're not chicken.

JAYLYNN: You know, it doesn't look like that to me. Just a leg and a thigh.

RK: Alright, let's do it.

WADE: Yeah, one more time. I'm a little scared though.

JAYLYNN: Hey, I just got lucky. Or not. In fact, to make it interesting, why don't I raise my bet? Eighty bucks.

RK: You sure?

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, I feel sorry for you guys.

WADE: Eighty bucks, it is.

RK begins shuffling again.

RK: Okay, here we go. RK the shuffler is hard at work here with the shuffling. Don't try this at home, kids, this is a professional procedure and it can be very dangerous.

Cut to Ashley and Halley standing next to each other.

ASHLEY: Who's he talking to?

HALLEY: It's RK. Do you even see the point in asking?

Cut back to Jaylynn and the boys.

RK: Alright. Where's the queen for eighty bucks?

JAYLYNN: In the middle.

WADE: Are you sure?

JAYLYNN: Hell yeah.

RK: Flip it over.

Jaylynn flips the card over, but to everyone's shock including hers, it ends up being the jack of clubs.

WADE: That's terrible. But you did your thing, Jaylynn. You were a challenge.

RK: Nah, but you see, it wasn't red, though. You see, if it were red like her, she would win, but it was black like you, so she lost.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I know when I'm beat.

Jaylynn begins to leave.

RK: There's nothing like an all day sucker, Wade.

WADE: Do you think we should scam Sparky next?

RK: Well, we...

At that point, Jaylynn turns around and gives the boys an angry expression, realizing she was hustled.

RK: What? Why are you looking at us like that?

JAYLYNN: You were just hustling people the whole time?!

WADE: If we're being technical, Adriana taught me how to play, so she...

JAYLYNN: I don't care! You bums are going to give me back my money!

RK: See, that's an interesting thing because...

RK knocks the box over while Wade runs away with the money and the two get chased by Jaylynn.

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade have been called into Principal MacGregor's office for a meeting with him.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: So I hear that you guys have been playing a little three-card Monte and cheating kids out of their money?

WADE: Principal MacGregor, we have a bulletproof justification for our actions.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Okay, let me hear it.

WADE: We, um...we were forced to do it under duress?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, boys, this little charade is over. I'm shutting down your operation and you're going to return all the money you stole.

RK: What if we get clearance from the kids who played and they agree with us that business is business?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK!

RK: Yeah, you could just shut us down.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are watching TV later that day.

WADE: I still can't believe Principal MacGregor shut down the three-card Monte business.

RK: I can. After Jaylynn beat us down for her money back, the first thing she did was rat on us. That's just how life is sometimes.

WADE: I don't know why, but I don't want to stop making money. When we were playing cards, I felt the adrenaline rush.

RK: Well, we could always enter the running for Mega Millions. They say it's the biggest jackpot in the history of Washington state.

WADE: But we're not old enough to play lotto.

RK: Wade, we have driver's licenses, our own houses, and we know how to write checks. Believe me, we're old enough to play lotto.

Buster walks in at that point.

RK: Hey there, Buster. You think you would be interested in buying lottery tickets with us? The more people who enter, the better chance there is of one of us winning.

BUSTER: I would, but I don't think Jaylynn would want to be a part of it.

WADE: Why not? What's wrong with her?

BUSTER: After the whole three-card Monte thing, she doesn't want to talk to you guys. I told her it wasn't that serious, but then she started throwing ice cubes at me. I dodged them, but I could've gotten seriously hurt.

RK: Wow, I really feel like a dick now.

WADE: Me too. We didn't want it to go this far.

BUSTER: You can go talk to her about it at her place. She's just over there watching TV about nothing like you guys.

RK: You watch I Am Frankie. You have no legs to stand on.

BUSTER: Don't sit there and act like that show doesn't deserve a Kids Choice Award!

SCENE 10

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later on, RK and Wade walk into Jaylynn's house as she watches TV.

RK: Hey Jaylynn. You look really pretty tonight.

JAYLYNN: If that's the best you can do to get back on my good side, you can just leave now.

WADE: Come on, Jaylynn, we had a momentary lapse of judgment. Forgive us.

JAYLYNN: You're just bad boys, aren't you? Really bad boys. How are you going to trick your own friend into losing all their money?

RK: How are you going to chase us through the school, almost snap our necks like twigs, and then snitch on us to MacGregor?

JAYLYNN: Because you stole my money!

WADE: You walked right into that one.

RK: I know, I was just talking near the end of that.

JAYLYNN: Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to watch Let's Take a Whack at It. At least here, I know you won't be able to trick me into doing anything.

Jaylynn turns her attention to the TV as RK and Wade watch her.

HOST (V.O.): Alright, so what is the last line of the pledge of allegiance here in the U.S.?

JAYLYNN: First, they're sour, then they're sweet! Easy.

PLAYER (V.O.): Um, with liberty and justice for all?

HOST (V.O.): That is correct! Three points for ya!

JAYLYNN: Damn.

WADE: Jaylynn, we recite the pledge every morning at school. How would you not know that?

RK: Yeah, even I know that.

JAYLYNN: Do you really know that or are you just guessing?

RK: Yes! I know that!

JAYLYNN: Well, if you guys really don't think this is my game, how about placing a bet on the next question? Thirty bucks says I'm right.

RK: You're on, Hernandez.

RK and Jaylynn place thirty bucks each on the coffee table.

WADE: You know what, Jaylynn? How about sixty bucks says you're right? Double or nothing?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, that's a lot of money, man.

RK: You're starting to look like a ten-piece meal, redhead.

JAYLYNN: Okay, why not?

RK: And this isn't a scam. You challenged us here in your house.

JAYLYNN: Exactly.

Wade drops thirty dollars on the coffee table as well, while Jaylynn drops thirty more.

HOST (V.O.): Alright, next question. How many patents does inventor Thomas Edison hold in the United States?

RK and Wade look at each other without trying to laugh.

JAYLYNN: Dammit. Probably 1,093.

HOST (V.O.): Okay, so the both of you pass? Well, the answer we were looking for was 1,093. No points.

JAYLYNN: HA! That's what I'm talking about.

Jaylynn goes into the kitchen after collecting the money.

RK: That was a lucky guess.

WADE: She just threw that number out there hoping it would stick.

RK: Did you know the answer?

WADE: Yeah, but I didn't think she did.

RK: I guess we really underestimated the girl.

WADE: Yeah, that was asinine. Now we're both out of thirty dollars.

RK: I know an easy way we can make that money back.

WADE: We're not playing three-card Monte!

RK: I'm just saying, take it underground this time.

At that point, Buster walks in.

BUSTER: Do you guys know where Jaylynn is? I think I left my math book in here.

WADE: She's in the kitchen.

BUSTER: Damn, that's where I left it. She's the only person who knows about the extra gum I keep insi...what extra gum? Who said that? Buster didn't say that.

Buster starts to walk into the kitchen.

HOST (V.O.): Alright, here's the next question. Who was the former FBI associate director that gave out information relating to the Watergate scandal under the pseudonym "Deep Throat?"

BUSTER: Oh! Mark Felt!

RK and Wade look at each other and shake their heads.

PLAYER (V.O.): Okay, is it...Mark Felt?

HOST (V.O.): You got it! Now it's a nine-point lead for Bill!

RK and Wade look at the TV with their mouths wide open.

RK: No, no, no, this is dirty. This is a Dusty finish, double disqualification, no contest, restart the damn match, interference on every side.

WADE: Buster, how did you know that? I didn't even know that!

Buster and RK look at Wade with shocked expressions.

WADE: Surprise, surprise, the smart one doesn't know something.

BUSTER: Jaylynn was watching that when I was here before. I guess she really likes that episode.

RK: Did Jaylynn tell you to tell us to come here?

BUSTER: You know what? She did. I feel like I'm missing something here, but I need to go protect my gum.

Buster goes into the kitchen while Jaylynn walks out with a sinister smile on her face.

RK: You're evil. Just plain evil.

WADE: I can't believe you hustled us.

JAYLYNN: Like the same way you hustled me? Well, guys, auntie Jaylynn is about to teach you your daily lesson. Today's lesson: Payback. And it looks like I got paid back. HA!

Jaylynn leaves the house while fanning herself with her money. Buster reappears chewing a piece of his gum.

BUSTER: She didn't steal any of it. Thank God.

RK and Wade give Buster annoyed looks.

BUSTER: What?

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK paces around the room while Wade sits on the couch.

RK: She got us, Wade. She conned us. And there was collusion on top of that. I gave Buster a place to rest his head and he betrayed me!

WADE: Buster already said he wasn't in on it. He just played into Jaylynn's hand. He was as much a victim as we were.

RK: Well, we can't take this lying down. If she's going to teach us lessons, it's time for us to give her an RK Jennings signature moment. No, wait, scratch that. It's time for the very first RK & Wade signature moment.

WADE: Can't we just forget this happened? Jaylynn's going to come back twice as hard once we scam her.

RK: Don't worry. We're going to shut down the war once we do this. This won't be your everyday signature moment. This is going to define our legacy.

WADE: Okay, so how do we get our revenge?

RK: I don't know, I don't have any ideas right now.

At that point, KG walks through the door.

KG: RK, this is going to be the lottery ticket that changes everything for us.

RK: You decided to enter Mega Millions?

KG: You're damn right. It's the Jennings' time. Why sit around watching other people make it big and I'm not doing anything?

WADE: Yeah, why would you? I mean, why waste time working for millions of dollars and creating generational wealth when you can lose five dollars on something that's not even a sure thing?

KG: RK, does Wade need a home too?

RK: No.

KG: Good, because if he ever does, this one will never be open to him.

KG walks upstairs with his ticket.

RK: Why can't you be optimistic about this? KG's trying to create a future for us.

WADE: Dude, do you know how enormous the odds are for winning a multimillion dollar state lottery? The only way it would be a sure thing is if someone tricked KG into thinking he won.

RK: Wait a minute. Wade, that's it! You came up with a genius idea!

WADE: You want to trick Jaylynn into thinking she won the lottery?

RK: Why not? It's the ultimate prank. And one she'll never see coming.

WADE: Are you sure? Seems a little extreme.

RK: Well, she stole our money. So it's either this or we spread a nasty rumor about how her and Lynne have sleepovers once a month.

WADE: Alright, I'm in.

RK: Great. But I'm going to modify that other plan for an asshole to be named later.

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is at her locker a week later when RK and Wade walk up to her. RK is holding a lottery ticket.

RK: What's going on, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Nothing much. How about you?

WADE: Well, to call a truce to our little war we have going, we wanted to give you this lottery ticket.

JAYLYNN: Wait, what? Why?

RK: Because the Mega Millions jackpot is tonight and we all want the money to come to the group. Sparky and Buster already bought tickets, and so did we.

JAYLYNN: I don't know. I don't care about the lottery. It's always some person in some random town no one's ever heard of that wins, and then they get killed before they can spend any of it.

WADE: Look at it this way. If one of us wins, and someone comes to kill the winner, we'll all end up getting killed.

JAYLYNN: That doesn't make me feel better. I don't want any of us killed.

RK: Jaylynn, take the ticket or don't take the ticket. We're trying to show solidarity as a group here, but at least make a decision.

Jaylynn takes the ticket.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'll play with you guys, but it's not going to mean anything.

WADE: Who knows? It could be your lucky night.

JAYLYNN: I don't think so, but thanks anyway for the ticket. I'll see you guys later.

Jaylynn walks away from the boys. RK and Wade start snickering.

WADE: Okay, I take it back. This is going to be priceless.

RK: You're telling me. Now, let's run down the whole plan again. We play the recording of last week's lottery drawings.

WADE: At the same time, Jaylynn reads off the ticket with the same numbers from last week.

RK: She thinks she's won millions, we give her a chance to celebrate for a little bit.

WADE: And then we pull the rug out from under her and let her know she didn't win anything.

RK: And that's an RK & Wade signature moment.

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, the kids are all gathered around the couch for the lottery drawings.

BUSTER: I can't believe it. I'm just a few numbers away from winning big bucks.

SPARKY: If you win the lottery, you know what you're going to do with all that money?

BUSTER: Hmmm...

A thought bubble appears above Buster's head, with Buster cackling while surrounded by various snacks and beverages.

BUSTER: THE WORLD IS MINE!

The thought bubble disappears.

BUSTER: I might spend my winnings on a couple nice meals.

WADE: Guys, it's starting!

RK: Time for the moment of truth.

VOICEOVER: And tonight's lottery numbers are...18, 8, 41...

Jaylynn's eyes begin to widen when she realizes that her numbers match.

JAYLYNN: You're kidding me.

VOICEOVER: 36, 24...

JAYLYNN: No way! Is it 14? Is it 14? Please, Lord, if you exist, bless me with 14!

VOICEOVER: And the final number for the $450 million-dollar jackpot...14!

JAYLYNN: YEEEEESSSSS! I WON! I WON THE F***ING LOTTERY!

RK and Wade start laughing to themselves while Jaylynn screams in celebration and starts dancing.

SPARKY: Let me see that ticket.

Sparky checks to verify the ticket.

SPARKY: Yup, it's legit! JAYLYNN'S BRINGING HOME THE BACON!

BUSTER: YEAH!

JAYLYNN: Auntie Jaylynn's got four-hundred and fifty million dollars in her pocket! This is unbelievable, this is rad, this is...

RK: It's awesomesauce, isn't it?

JAYLYNN: Awesomesauce all over a platter of curly fries. Damn, this is the greatest day of my life. I'm somebody now. I'm one of those people, I'm in that class. Man, I have to go home, tell Anja and Halley and Ashley. I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!

Jaylynn runs out of the house shouting.

SPARKY: I can't believe Jaylynn won the lottery. This is amazing.

BUSTER: My mom played the lottery for fifteen years and never won anything. This has to be God putting the universe back in order.

WADE: RK, she left. When are we going to tell her she didn't win?

RK: Probably tomorrow at lunch. Let her dangle for a little bit. This is already too good.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The next day, the guys are all together as Jaylynn discusses her "lottery win."

JAYLYNN: It's like, one of those things that you never think is going to happen, and then it does. It changes you. Your mind, your spirit, your soul. It's all different when that kind of thing happens.

BUSTER: I feel like I'm hearing from Warren Buffett what it feels like to have money.

RK: So, Jaylynn, this really changes everything, huh? You feel like a new person?

JAYLYNN: Yup. And because I have all this new money, it's time for my first change: I'm leaving Seattle.

At that point, Sparky drops his fork.

SPARKY: What?

JAYLYNN: Well, I can't stay here forever. I'm going to be the biggest target in the city. Once people find out I have $450 million dollars, they won't leave me alone. I'm going to have a bullet in my back every time I leave the house.

WADE: Jaylynn, don't you think leaving Seattle is too drastic?

RK: Yeah, just claim the money anonymously. It's not like anyone will have to know.

JAYLYNN: They will once I start taking expensive trips outside the country and investing my money. I have Sanna's level of cash, guys. I can't play around with that.

BUSTER: We're going to miss you, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: I'll miss you guys too. But don't think of this as the end. Think of it as a new beginning. A chance for me to have a better life.

SPARKY: Wait, you don't already have a good life?

JAYLYNN: Wow, this, uh...this isn't where I wanted this conversation to go.

SPARKY: I mean, you might as well admit it. Have we been holding you back?

JAYLYNN: Look, we're in different tax brackets now, it's complicated. I'm going to hit the bathroom to keep things from being so complicated.

Jaylynn runs out of the cafeteria.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. She just won the lottery last night and she already thinks she's better than us.

BUSTER: It's a shame what money can do to people.

Wade gives RK an annoyed look. RK realizes he's being stared at and turns to him.

RK: We're going to tell her. Could you not eyeball me while I eat?

SCENE 15

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

That night, RK stops his car near Jaylynn's house and gets out alongside Wade.

WADE: You know we're dead, right? Once Sparky and Buster find out what we did, they'll never speak to us again. Probably because our heads will be hanging on the wall over the fireplace.

RK: Dude, they're not going to find out a damn thing. That's why we're here. If we just tell Jaylynn the truth, she won't leave Seattle and we can all forget this ever happened.

WADE: How pissed do you think she's going to be?

RK: Very, which is why I'm wearing a cup. Are you?

WADE: No!

RK: Damn, I wish you told me earlier. I could have bought you one.

RK scratches his head when he hears music through Jaylynn's front door.

RK: Do you hear that?

Wade puts his ear to the door.

WADE: Sounds like Chris Brown singing.

Cut to inside the house where Jaylynn is dancing and packing up her things while listening to "Make the World Go Round" by Nas featuring Chris Brown and The Game. RK and Wade walk in and look disturbed at the sight of Jaylynn's dancing.

WADE: RK, this is getting freaky.

RK: I know.

RK shrugs and starts dancing to the song alongside Jaylynn while Wade looks on.

WADE: RK!

RK remembers why he came to Jaylynn's place and turns off the song from Jaylynn's phone.

JAYLYNN: I don't even know the name of that song or what it's doing on my playlist. I just put it on shuffle mode and started jamming.

RK: You know, if you buy the rights to that song, you can license it to get played in commercials and movies and stuff. Then you get paid for it.

JAYLYNN: Really?

RK: Yeah, they call it royalties.

JAYLYNN: Cool! I'm going to get on that now that I have Wall Street money.

Wade gives RK a confused look while RK looks to the side.

RK: You know, Jaylynn, the two of us have known each other for a long time, haven't we?

JAYLYNN: You're damn right, bro. It's crazy to think about. All the memories we've made, all the fights we've had, all the places we've been. You two are like the brothers I never had. It's not going to be easy to forget all that. You know that, right?

RK AND WADE: Yeah.

JAYLYNN: Well, having $450 million will definitely help me. HAHA!

WADE: Jaylynn, don't you think you should reconsider leaving? I mean, Seattle is your home. Things won't be the same without you.

JAYLYNN: I know, man, but I'm a loner. That's just who I am, no matter how much I want to pretend I'm not. Besides, if somebody had to leave the group, it was going to be me eventually. You know what they say. Last hired, first fired?

RK: Well, we're about to see some of that Portland fire firsthand.

WADE: Okay, Jaylynn, I get that. But you remember the first day we met, and for one hour, all you could talk about is how you wish you had a million dollars so you could have anything you want?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Those were the days.

WADE: But you know what they say. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

JAYLYNN: Am I not getting something?

RK: Yeah, try $450 million dollars.

Beat.

WADE: We didn't mean to do it!

JAYLYNN: Didn't mean to do what?

RK: We tricked you into thinking you won, Jaylynn. The drawing you watched last night was actually last week's drawing.

WADE: RK and I watched last week's lottery show and recorded it so we could give you those numbers and you wouldn't suspect anything.

RK: We're really sorry, man.

JAYLYNN: So, let me see if I got this straight. You guys made it seem like I was watching a live lottery drawing the same way I made it seem like you guys were watching a new episode of Let's Take a Whack at It?

RK AND WADE: Yeah.

JAYLYNN: Damn. You know, when I think about it, that's really clever. Really clever.

WADE: So, you're not full of rage?

JAYLYNN: Oh, no one said that, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Jaylynn jumps at Wade and starts choking him while RK tries to pull Jaylynn off.

RK: Jaylynn, get off him! Are you trying to kill him?!

JAYLYNN: Looks like you cracked the code, dumbass!

RK: Look, Jaylynn, we said we're sorry, okay? It was just a dumb prank and another memory we can all laugh about years from now. Remember? All the memories we've made?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're right. You're right, I was just...really emotional there.

WADE: Are you okay now, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I am. Honestly, Wade, I'm sorry. I don't know why I tried killing you FIRST!

Jaylynn turns her attention to RK and starts choking him, and Wade tries to intervene, but gets pushed onto the floor. RK is able to overpower Jaylynn and gets out of the chokehold.

RK: Dude, she has a grip like Samoa Joe.

WADE: At least you had the cup just in case. Look, Jaylynn, it's okay. Sure, you might have ended things with Sparky and Buster in a weird way, but it's nothing you can't explain to them.

JAYLYNN: Okay, there's that. And what about the money?! WHAT ABOUT MY MONEY, MAN?!

RK: The-the money's dead, Jay.

At that point, RK puts up his fists and starts bouncing up and down, preparing for another attack.

JAYLYNN: I made myself look like an idiot. Talking like I was hot shit when I didn't have a penny the whole time. Just to be clear, I don't even have $450 thousand dollars?

WADE: You don't even have four dollars and fifty cents.

JAYLYNN: Then I guess I really have no choice but to go.

RK AND WADE: What?

RK: Jaylynn, it's going to be cool.

JAYLYNN: No, it's not. I mean, forget the guys, I didn't end things with the girls in a good way, either.

WADE: Why? What happened?

JAYLYNN: All you need to know is the only person in the Masters who still likes me is Anja. I'm just going to go and send for the rest of my things later.

RK: Jaylynn, where are you even going to go?

JAYLYNN: Wherever I go, I go. All I know is I need to get away for a while.

Jaylynn takes her bags and leaves the house.

WADE: Jaylynn, we're sorry!

RK: It was just a joke! Wow, we're the worst.

WADE: We tried to make things better and we didn't change anything. That's it. Once we tell Sparky, we're going to be chopped up into pizza toppings and put in garbage bags.

RK: Wade, relax. Sparky is a fair, non-judgmental guy full of patience and understanding. I'm sure if we just calmly explain to him everything that happened, he can't get too mad at us.

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are on the couch as Sparky reads them the riot act.

SPARKY: Are you guys idiots?! What the hell were you thinking?!

RK: We were thinking that nothing was going to happen and we would just sit on your couch doing recaps?

SPARKY: So, because of you, Jaylynn is gone. Do you even know where she went?

WADE: She didn't say. We tried to convince her to stay, but it was a lost cause.

SPARKY: You know, guys, we've been friends for as long as I can remember. And just when I think that we've done everything under the sun, you two take the cake with this prank.

RK: This has taken the cake. Sparky, we are very bad boys for what we did. And you know what else? We deserve a spanking. Come on, give it to us like we're living in the projects.

SPARKY: I'm not spanking you two.

RK: You want us to do it to each other? Tough, but fair.

SPARKY: I'm giving you three seconds to stop talking.

RK: Alrighty then.

WADE: You know, if we walk towards the door right now, we might be able to get out of here with our lives intact.

RK: Good idea. Let's get up slowly and pretend we don't see him.

RK and Wade slowly get up from the couch and head for the door.

SPARKY: What are you guys doing?

RK: Trying to prevent an early death?

SPARKY: Look, I understand you two were just trying to get revenge, but you really humiliated Jaylynn. You can't treat this like a joke. You need to make things right and bring her back.

WADE: We know, man. That's why we're not going to have a moment's peace until we find her.

RK: Just at a curiosity, what's going to happen if we don't find her?

SPARKY: Well, you remember what happened at SummerSlam when Becky Lynch beat Charlotte's ass?

RK: Yeah?

SPARKY: Keep that in mind.

Sparky begins to walk upstairs.

RK: Sparks, what are you getting at? I'm scared.

SPARKY: That's the idea. Good night, guys.

Sparky continues walking upstairs.

WADE: He's going to murder us, isn't he?

RK: By the time he's done, nobody's going to remember who we are.

WADE: Well, we know our mission now. We have to pull out all the stops to get Jaylynn's forgiveness and bring her back home.

RK: Exactly, my boy. But before we do anything, could we stop at my house? I need a change of clothes.

Wade gives RK a look of disgust.

RK: What? I'm shook!

SCENE 17

Space Needle Diner

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are having breakfast the next morning.

WADE: So any luck getting in touch with Jaylynn?

RK: No. She hasn't answered any of my calls or texts. This is crap, Wade. Jaylynn's about to be put on a milk carton, Sparky has plans to kill us and now Buster's freezing me out.

WADE: What's going on with him?

RK: He found out about the whole thing and won't talk to me. Well, he still talks to me a little since I gave him my guest room, but he only wants to talk about pancakes and superhero movies.

WADE: I can't believe this is happening. Dark days are ahead of us, RK.

RK: I know. Things won't be the same without Jaylynn. It's like...

RK gets a notification on his phone that makes his eyes widen.

RK: Wait a minute, hold up here.

WADE: What's going on?

RK: I just got a text from Anja. Jaylynn's in Tacoma!

WADE: Tacoma? What the hell is she doing there?

RK: Apparently, she's staying with a friend. I guess she didn't want to go somewhere that we would find her, but unfortunately for her, Anja's on our side. This is great. All I need is the address.

WADE: Hey, do you realize we're missing school today?

RK: I thought it was a Jewish holiday today.

WADE: No.

RK: Well, let's pretend there is and use this time to get our friend back.

SCENE 18

Jaylynn's Friend's House

Tacoma, Washington

Later that day, RK pulls up to Jaylynn's friend's house.

WADE: Are you sure this is the right place?

RK: Anja doesn't lie, man. This is perfect. We tell Jaylynn it was all our fault and we need her to come back home. Once she sees how much we care about her, she's going to be so moved, she'll forgive us on the spot, and come back to Seattle. And Sparky can forget about the assassination.

WADE: I really hope this works.

RK and Wade leave the car and ring the doorbell. Jaylynn ends up opening the door.

JAYLYNN: Ew.

Jaylynn tries to close the door, but RK stops her from doing so.

RK: Jaylynn, I know you hate us right now, but we need to work this out. You have to come back home with us.

JAYLYNN: Why? To save you guys' asses?

WADE: No, because we really regret what we did and we don't know what life would be like without you.

JAYLYNN: Well, I don't hate you guys. It wasn't that serious, but I was just disrespected. I can't have that kind of energy around me.

RK: Dude, we understand. I hate having that energy around me too. That's why sometimes, I just sit in my basement talking to myself. Nobody else, just me, myself, and the 98 different characters I created.

JAYLYNN: You make it very clear every day why you turned out the way you did. So can you go now?

WADE: No. Jaylynn, this is ridiculous. You're going to throw away years of friendship over a prank?

JAYLYNN: I'm not throwing away anything. You guys decided on your own to make me look like a moron, so I don't have to f*** with you like that anymore. Sparky and Buster will get a call every once in a while, but you two are persona non grata.

Jaylynn tries to close the door again, but RK and Wade overpower her and open it.

RK: This is a really nice place, man. What made you come to Tacoma?

JAYLYNN: Mutual friend of Sarah's. Here, I don't have to worry about city life. Now, could you two get out of here before Tiffany comes back and hits you with pepper spray?

WADE: No, we're not leaving. Not until we make things right.

JAYLYNN: You can't. I told everybody who would listen about the lottery, and now, I look like the biggest laughingstock in Seattle if I go back.

RK: Jaylynn, I know it's tough, but it would kill us if you didn't come back. We just did the same thing you would have done if you were in our shoes, which you did.

At that point, Tiffany arrives to the house with groceries.

TIFFANY: Hey, what's going on here? Jaylynn, who are these guys?!

JAYLYNN: They're no one. They were just leaving.

RK: Oh, sure. Talk to your brothers like that. Best way to look cool in front of your friend.

TIFFANY: Brothers? These are your brothers, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Hell no.

RK: You see the way she talks about us, Tiffany? It's like we're not even people. Look, I get it. When Mom brought us home from the adoption agency, you thought we were space aliens because of our no no area.

JAYLYNN: Is this really happening?

WADE: Jaylynn, we love you. How come you can't see that?

RK: Wade wants you to see it, Jaylynn. Remember when we used to go to that church with the black pastor, but then he kept shitting on people who need welfare so we went to the white pastor, but then we found out about his nacho cheese-covered VHS tapes of Barney and Friends? So we stopped going to church for eight months? Those were our memories, Jaylynn. Our moments. We shared those moments as a family.

WADE: We just wanted to bring our sister back home to Mom.

JAYLYNN: Could I talk to you guys outside?

Jaylynn follows RK and Wade out of the house.

RK: If you're going to hit us, please know we're both wearing cups. So, it's not going to be a cakewalk.

Jaylynn instead hugs RK and Wade.

WADE: Why do I feel like this is just a trap?

JAYLYNN: It's not a trap. You guys seriously came all the way to Tacoma and made up that whole adoption story just to bring me back?

RK: Of course we did. We love you, Jaylynn, and we need you in Seattle where you belong.

WADE: That's what Mom would want.

JAYLYNN: Okay, you broke me down. I'm coming home.

RK: YES! Baby sis is coming home!

WADE: Do you need help with your bags?

JAYLYNN: No, I've got it. But I think now, we can officially call a truce and end our war.

RK: Sounds good to me.

WADE: Me too.

Jaylynn smiles and goes back inside the house.

WADE: RK, I don't know how we do it, but we always find a way.

RK: God's looking after us, brother. You know what? Maybe this can change things between me and Jaylynn. Maybe we don't have to go toe-to-toe with each other anymore.

Jaylynn pokes her head out from the front door.

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, baby sis? Bitch, I'm the same age as you!

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The kids are all on the couch together to recap the episode's events.

RK: Now that Jaylynn's back, everything's the way it's supposed to be.

WADE: That's right. So, Sparky, let's have it. Massacre us until we need a wheelchair to sleep.

SPARKY: I don't know. You brought Jaylynn back home, it wouldn't feel right.

RK: Your heart is made out of sugar and Honey Nut Cheerios, Sparko.

SPARKY: But since you insist, I'll just give you a little taste of what I was gonna do.

Sparky punches RK in the stomach, then walks over to Wade and punches him in the stomach.

RK: DAMMIT!

SPARKY: Yeah, now that's the kind of punch that puts hairs on your chest, huh?

WADE: GAH!

*slowly losing consciousness* RK: Wade, I'm going down.

*slowly losing consciousness* WADE: I'm coming with you.

*with a lighter, raspier voice* RK: I'll see you soon, Uncle Carmine.

RK and Wade fall to the floor face first, presumably knocked out.

JAYLYNN: Bro, I hope you didn't kill them.

SPARKY: Nah, they'll be okay in time for next week.

Cut to black.

("Make the World Go Round" by Nas featuring Chris Brown and The Game plays over the end credits)

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS