Title: Pearly Baggage Counter

Disclaimers: Weiß and Highway to Heaven don't belong to me.

Warnings: PG13, major religious SQUICK

Pairings: Schuldich + Omi, Youji x Ken

Spoilers: none

Teaser: A fusion with Laura Reshnick's short story, Highway to Heaven, and an answer to DragonSoul's no-Crawford/Aya-pairing fic challenge… Imagine if you needed to get rid of sin before entering heaven…

Pearly Baggage Counter

WEIß KREUZ FANFICTION

The first time I saw him, I blinked, twice. The blond chibi was wearing the funkiest shorts, T-shirt and suspenders outfit. Funkiest, I mean majorly, worst fashion misstatement I've ever seen. Goes to show one can't be too careful you wear. See, now he's stuck wearing that ridiculous outfit for all eternity. He went by the name of Omi Tsukyono, not really the name he was born with. The Boss said so and the Boss is never wrong about these things. Besides, who am I to complain, Schuldig ain't exactly in the 1001 Baby Names to Give to Your Kiddies.

Outside the counter, there was that infernal long line to the counter as always, stretching all the way to Purgatory. Hmm, it was longer and rowdier than the run-of-the-mill line. That didn't surprise me, the Big G wouldn't have sent me here if everything was A-OK. I was one of the Boss' premier troubleshooters on the counter lines. There were complaints about Omi's station. It was taking several times as long to get through here and some folks were managing to sneak in some of their pet baggage. That was a no-no, Heaven just won't be Heaven if they carried those around with them.

Currently, a redhead babe of a guy was going through Processing while five others I could see waited in the wings. One was an old geezer in a business suit who kept trying to bull his way into the front of the line and being pushed back by others with a lot of dangerous muttering. Another was a good-looking blonde in a tiny tee that left his belly exposed. That one was hitting on a lovely redheaded chick whom was looking at him like he was a cockroach, not surprising because his other arm was around a compact short brown haired guy. The brown hair was adoringly looking at a blue-eyed brunette.

"You have to wait your turn…" Omi said gently to the geezer.

"You can't do this, I'm Takatori Reiji, the Prime Minister of Japan…"

"Please get in line, sir."

"Can I go through already?" The redhead interjected.

"Mou, you can't pass through. I've explained this to you two times. Not until you've given up your…" The youngster said, returning to the hostile redhead in black leather who was trying to get his way with a deadly glare.

"Hn."

Omi looked back into the man's purple eyes, then inexplicably, his cornflower eyes begun to fill with tears.

"Will you please, please, please give me your baggage before you go in?"

The redhead glared for a moment and caved in.

"Thanks, Hostility and Violence check, here's your entrance number." Omi said brightly, bouncing to the next customer. He sure was a cheerful and enthusiastic worker though his technique could use some work. That took much too long, we've got a flood of weary travelers to service. We couldn't be bothered with such niceties as pleading. Besides, no wonder it was taking so long for the queue to finish around here, very few people were as soft as that guy was with their pet sins. Like that Prime Minister…

"I'll be telling your superiors about this, gaki."

"Stop shoving, get in line. You must have been a bad minister, you can't even wait for your turn in line." The redheaded chick lectured. Her humongous hairstyle and hoop skirts billowed around her accentuating her indignation.

"Yeah, let the lady alone." The blondie guy said, leering at the lady in question.

"Hmph!" The lady bashed him on the head with her lacy parasol.

"Hey, chibi. My name's Schuldig and I've been assigned to help you on this counter." I introduced myself while he was in-between people.

"Schuldig-san, is the Big G angry with me for something?" Omi said, clutching at his heart and giving Schuldig a stronger dose of the puppy eyes he had given the hot redhead earlier.

"No, chibi, but the Boss' decided that your act needed streamlining. It's just a little slow." I softened my customary smirk to something more of a grin.

" 'Bout time. I'd say, I've been waiting for ages." The lady fanned herself.

"Ah, finally upper management. Young man, do you know who I am?"

"Hey, the lady said get in line…"

"Yeah…"

Whoa! Better put a stop to this before it gets out of hand…

I shot my gun in the air.

"Now you folks better get into proper line now."

"Young man…"

"Yeah, you too, mistuh Prime Minister suh. Or do you want to be sent to Hell? The Guy Downstairs gives me a cut every time I send one his way and the Boss doesn't mind as long as he gets his…" I said shooting him an evil glare. The man subsided and got back in line. The chibi gave my gun a doubtful glance. I could see that he was prudent enough not to question a known troubleshooter but he really didn't like my methods.

Tough luck…

"You don't need to look for this one kid…" I said as the lady came to the window.

"I know she's on the list, Lady Raffaelle Manx, I need to see what…"

"This one's in for Pride and Prudery, kid." I said without shooting the manifest a glance.

"You're right, how did you…"

"Experience, kid, experience." I can see that he's getting some respect for me now. Good.

"Miss, you got to give me your baggage before you enter heaven."

"Well, I never…"

"Can it lady, just give over your Pride and Prudery to the boy!" I said pointing my gun over at her. I didn't tell him I picked it up in her mind. I mean I don't usually tell people that I'm a telepath. It makes people uneasy that someone else other than the Big G could read their thoughts, though the Boss does appreciate me for my special abilities.

"My good man, I hardly can go to Heaven with just what I'm wearing."

"Just do it, sister."

"Pride and Prudery, check. You're cleared, miss." Omi chirped.

Does that boy ever run out of energy?

One down and millions more to go. It was the dirty old politician's turn.

I'm going to enjoy this…

"You're in for Greed, Pride, Hostility…"

Whoa! This scum bag's got a sewer for a mind.

"Say, you're not on this list…" Omi said before I finished badmouthing the guy for every sin in the Book and out of it.

"Impossible, I've been walking on this road for some time. Got turned around too, several times."

"Turned around?" I asked.

"Yes, several times, I remember being on this road paved with Good Intentions…"

"Oh boy, we have a lulu on this one." I told Omi.

"You'll have to go back to Purg."

"You can't do that to me!" The geezer screamed at me.

"Welcome to the real world." I'm just starting to warm up there. I let him sputter a bit more before working up.

"I'm the Prime Minister!"

That again, heh, he's such a one-trick dog.

"Was…and I don't give a damned."

"I--I--"

"Now you know how the bureaucracy looks like from the bottom. Now git!" I smirked at him.

"I have a mind to complain…"

"Complain all you like but get your ass back to Purgatory like a good boy or they'll be getting you in a box." I drawled insultingly, gesturing with my gun. The old geezer finally went.

Serves him right for being a pain in the butt…

"Heh, chillin', nice way you got rid of that SOB." It was said with a good-natured wink and a sensuous stretch. Okay now it's Mr. Blondie-who-thinks-he's-so-hot's turn. He seemed so confident that I was going to let him off without telling him off, he didn't even drop his other arm from where it was grounded around the brunette.

*I think I can get and Kenken through with our stuff intact…he looks like he would be a pushover for a little turn in the sheets… *

That's what you think…

"Keep your mind on the business, Kudoh. Hand over the Lust and Vanity. And while you're at it have 'Kenken' hand over his Lust and Prudery."

Hah! Folded like a cheap pack of cards… Lust and Prudery! Strange combination there, very strange, glad I'm just a baggage counter boy not this guy's psychologist or is it psychiatrist…

I had to wonder why my blonde chibi partner seems to have gotten so silent.

"Omi…" I said as I handed the excess baggage onto him.

"Yeah, right, Kudoh, Youji and Hidaka, Ken. Lust and Vanity and--er--Lust and Prudery check…" Omi's eyes were glazed and he was stuttering rather badly.

* Wow…real nice…but he's with someone. Oh, well…*

My, my, the chibi's not so young after all. Naughty, naughty thoughts and I thought you were only twelve… Sixteen's a nice ripe age for exploration…when we take a break…

"Ah, sir…you have to got to give up your Greed, Disloyalty and Envy before you go to Heaven." I wave my gun behind Omi and the guy glared but gave up his baggage.

"Skip this one, Omi." Schuldig said as a black-haired man in a white suit and glasses came into the booth. His blue eyes hard under the flashy lenses.

"But I need to check what his baggage is…"

"Trust me."

"Mr. Crawford, got out of Purg without a problem I see."

"Easily. Schuldig, how's the benefits and compensation around here. Word is the Boss has got some work for me." Crawford said, all business as always.

"Good deal. Pass on, sir."

"Who was he?" Omi said as Crawford got into the gate that would take him to heaven.

"Mr. Crawford was my boss before the Boss became my boss."

"Oh, no! Don't you think he's going to be after my job."

"Heh, don't sweat it chibi. When I'm through with you you're going to be one of the best baggage counter persons on the gate."

"Aa. Can I use your gun this time, Mr, Schuldig?" Omi said with puppy eagerness.

There's nothing like competition to increase motivation…

"Sure, can do the job without the right equipment."

The next one was another one of those hard types. Black-haired Yakuza was what I thought when I saw him. His thoughts confirmed the belief. I mean I wasn't an angel but some of the things in his mind could compete with what I do. I'm rather glad that Omittchi was going to try using the gun on this one.

"We have got a big one in this…Greed, Pride, Gluttony…" Schuldig said.

"Sloth, Vanity, Lust…" Omi added reading from the list.

"Okay, give it all up, mister." Omi said, pointing at the man who approached the counter.

"Mamoru…" The man exclaimed.

"'niisan!" The gun drops from Omi's hands.

Something tells me this job's going to take much, much longer than I first thought.

~ Owari ~