Intro: The idea for this story comes from a joke made way back by two Harry Potter fans. Although I can't recall how we came up with such an absurd idea, I thought I might as well share it with the rest of the Harry Potter fans, to their mutual enjoyment or condemnation. Be warned there will be a lot of OOC moments, lack of canonicity or logic, and general nonsense.
It had been many months since Harry Potter had moved out of the Dursley residence for good. It had also been many months since Uncle Vernon had had a scapegoat upon which to unleash his pent up rage and frustration. No, now that the bane of his existence, the bespectacled lighting scar carrying wand wielding broom hugging menace was gone for good, Vernon was reduced to screaming at the dishwasher, the lawnmower, and occasionally the milkman. He would also often suffer from paranoid delusions, whenever a book fell on Vernon's head, or the toilet backed up, he would involuntarily blame magic–and by extension Harry Potter. And so it should have come as no surprise that the dangers that plagued him in his waking life would come to haunt him in his dreams…
The night was quiet. It was winter and the sky above was clear except for the occasional cloud. The streetlights illuminated the residential sidewalks, giving the whole area a warm cozy sort of feeling. It was indeed a special night, one of the rare times when not even a car could be heard rumbling along the road. In their bedroom on the second floor the Dursleys lay peacefully in their beds–Vernon was snoring like a congested elephant as always while Petunia muttered something about needing a new apron.
Turning over on his side Vernon began to mumble in his sleep.
"Armgrum…Pigtails…Flying Cars hrmf…Marge turned into a balloon…hmmf hmm…Potter…" At that moment a sudden gust of wind knocked over their garbage can outside and Vernon's bloodshot eyes flew open.
"Arrrrr…." Vernon's face began to swell, his porky fists began to convulse as the veins on his arms began to pulsate. The hair on his head seemed to curl and twist with rage while his torso ripped through his shirt. His skin turned red like a tomato and his teeth grew sharp as points while his eyes rolled back into his sleeping head and became white. Leaping from his bed, now a monstrous hulk-like titan of a Muggle, he bellowed: "POTTER!"
The windows of his house as well as every other glass surface in the neighborhood shattered instantly. Vernon burst through the wall of the bedroom, leaving a huge hole in his house, and ran off barefoot and monstrous, screaming into the night: "POTTER! POTTER!"
Turning over in her bed Petunia shuddered in the cold and muttered "Vernon dear, could you close the window."
"POTTER!" Vernon charged blindly through the streets of London knocking over a double-decker bus and smashing through four consecutive brick walls. "Must find POTTER!" Jumping over a crowd of passing pedestrians Vernon ripped a lamppost out of the ground bent it into a circle hula hooped with it for a few seconds and continued to run aimlessly down the street when suddenly a scent wafted into his nostrils. The unmistakable stench of magic.
"POTTER!" Vernon charge in the direction of the smell and came up to a dirty little pub named The Leaky Cauldron. Vernon burst in the front door, flexed his muscles once, knocking out all nearby witches and wizards, and went to the secret brick wall entrance. Here Vernon paused, he tried tapping one combination of bricks but the wall did not budge. He tried another and still no response. Finally Vernon smashed the wall with his fist and barreled down Diagon Alley. "POTTER! I can smell you now! POTTER!"
It dawned upon Mega Vernon that facing a wizard unarmed might be dangerous, so he decided to procure a weapon. Not seeing any gun shops or fish and chips restaurants nearby he decided to improvise.
"Hey there gov'na can I interest you in some items of…shall we say questionable origins?" asked a small man with a crooked grin.
"POTTER!" screamed Vernon before turning his attention to the man "Who the fuck are you?"
"Mundungus Fletcher, sir. Pleased to make your acquaint–" Vernon towered over the man and gradually lowered his gaze. "Eh…see anything you like?"
"Your leg Mundungus."
"Begging your pardon?"
"I SAID I NEED YOUR LEG!"
"Ahhh!"
Vernon grabbed the tiny man in his hands and swiftly tore off his left leg. Dropping him on the ground he ran off screaming at the top of his lungs while twirling the leg over his head. "POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!"
Vernon ran through Diagon Alley and back into the streets of London where he once more caught the unmistakable stench of magic…and toiletry coming from Whitehall. Bursting through the street screaming his signature catcall he stomped his elephantlike whalish brontosaurus feet on the ground and found himself in the Ministry of Magic, through which he shortly ran amuck, breaking countless walls and desks and Mafalda Hopkirk's face. Finally, he broke into the Minister of Magic's office. "POTTER! Broomstick! Magic Wand! Smelly poopfaced owl! POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!" Vernon suddenly felt very sleepy and curling up into a ball fell asleep on the floor. As the sparks from broken power cables fell to the ground along with countless bricks and structural support beams while the sounds of screaming people and ambulances came from above, the Minister of Magic stared in shock at all the damage one man–one Muggle had caused. All he could say to the situation was: "Damn."
After countless repairs and enough memory erasing to make Men in Black proud, the Minister wearily began to turn his wand to Vernon when a tiny pebble fell on the Muggle's face.
A massive explosion shook all of London as a cloud of smoke covered the city, and above all the honking and screaming a single sound hung above all the others. "POTTER!" Vernon once more began his tireless pursuit of his nemesis, breaking through buildings and cars alike.
The Minister of Magic stood calmly in his office, his face covered in soot, a massive hole in his ceiling, and the surrounding areas annihilated. Carefully wiping his face with a handkerchief he looked at the damage and said, "Shit."
Vernon broke through the Old Bailey and decided to head to the bridge when he realized that he had left his weapon back at the Ministry. Realizing he was powerless without it, he was about to go back when he chanced to see Mundungus Fletcher limping along in crutches.
"Mundungus!" he called, a hysterical smile on his face.
Mundungus went white with fear, "Oh bugger…"
"Mundungus, I need your LEG!"
"No please, god almighty." His eyes grew wide with fear. "Please no! NO!"
Having procured a new weapon Vernon ran down the street, his target not far from him now. "POTTER!"
At that moment an owl crossed his path, and maybe it was the rage or Mundungus' blood in his eyes but to Vernon the owl seemed as white as snow.
"POTTER!" Chasing blindly after the owl he turned the corner jumped to the rooftops and lept from building to building chasing the terrified bird. The thought of finally nearing his goal made Vernon even more angry and turned his face even redder.
"That's it almost, almost, and…perfect!" The Minister of Magic smiled as the final brick was put back in its place. "Whew, what a night. Now I can finally go back to…"
"POTTER!" Vernon burst through the wall, the owl having long since flown away. "POTTER!"
The Minister saw the broken wall and finally lost his composure, "Everyone get him!"
The aurors and other magical personnel launched curse after charm after hex at Mega Vernon but not one of the spells even made the Muggle flinch.
"Avada Kedavra!" barked the Minister, the killing curse bouncing off Mega Vernon and killing Mafalda Hopkirk instead.
The aurors stared at the Minister dumfounded. "Sir, we're not supposed to use…"
"Shut the fuck up and kill him!"
"Yes sir."
Killing curse after killing curse battered Vernon but, now armed with two legs, Vernon gave back twice as much as he got and soon the entire Ministry lay unconscious. Realizing that Potter was nowhere near the Ministry, Vernon decided to check Hogwartz. But the school was far away even with Vernon's Paris Hilton feet. He would have to procure a means of transportation….
Mundungus Fletcher crawled his way through the streets of London, wondering if his luck could get any worse. He hadn't been this terrified since he had come face to face with Voldemort, and even then he had only faced a quick death.
"Mundungus…." The word sent a shot of ice down his spine. Mega Vernon stood before him in all his Muggle horror.
"Oh blimey, oh Jesus God Christ Mary! Oh please no more. I don't have any more legs to g-i- ive!"
"Don't worry Mundungus I'm not here for legs."
"Oh thank y-"
"I'M HERE FOR THE REST!"
"Ahh!"
Vernon was making record time to Hogwarts. His mode of transportation–a bicycle courtesy of Mundungus Fletcher's body–streamed across England. Arriving at the school Vernon burst through the front gate and scanned the area–no sign of his nemesis anywhere.
"POTTER! POTTER!" but the sun had begun to rise and Vernon wearily fell on the ground, curling up into a ball and sucking his thumb.
Looking upon the now docile Muggle, Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought. What the hell was going on? And wasn't he supposed to be in Heaven surrounded by young bo-
"Oh Dumbelydore!" called a voice behind him.
"Dear God Minerva…" Professor McGonagall stood behind him dressed only in lingerie.
"Dumbelydore!"
"A thousand times no Minerva! I told you I like men! And sometimes Mafalda Hopkirk's unibrow…"
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. If so Review! Even if you hate it vent your hatred and Review!