This is very personal to me because it pretty much reflects my own feelings while writing, since a really close friends mother died the week I wrote this and it was my way of coping with it and my feelings and struggles.
The title is taken from the song Possibility by Lykke Li from the New Moon Soundtrack.
Tell Me When You Hear My Heart Stop
Death is the only inescapable, unavoidable, sure thing. We are sentenced to die the day we're born.
Gary Mark Gilmore
The choice was made quickly – like ripping off a band aid. Fast – less painful. A quick pull. And then it was done.
All of a sudden – like a flash of lightning – Bella did not understand her own mind anymore, could not comprehend how one day, long ago, she could have even considered immortality – existing forever, no more dawns breaking, no more sunsets, no circles. Nothing but a straight line leading into nothing, never ending without any chance to change course.
Why would she doom herself like that? Running herself onto a knife that would leave her bleeding for the rest of time with no possibilities to heal and mend.
No second chances – not a single way out. No escapes.
Bella shivered from the merciless cold, razorblade-sharp blows of crystal clear winter air burning her skin, causing her teeth to chatter – losing control over her own body. In an attempt to keep her blood circulating she reflexively balled her fingers into a tight fist, opening it again, closing, opening…
Her feet were numb, her knees unsteady. And yet she stood there immobile like the trees surrounding her, steadfast and strong.
Being honest with herself Bella did not remember the last time she actually saw a graveyard; the memory of her grandmother's death faint – banished from her mind over the years.
She wondered why she had come – why she had offered to accompany Jacob. But then she remembered the look on his face when he told her yesterday that today was his mother's birthday – would have been his mother's birthday. It had had been too different, too foreign and Bella had felt helpless – useless.
The glow in Jacob's eyes had disappeared, replaced by a solemn, apathetic expression of loss.
He had been so quiet and still, lost in his own thoughts and his own world, losing track of reality. Bella had even counted the number of times he had gathered enough strength to blink – it was not often.
All Bella had wanted in that moment was to help. He was her best friend and she felt it was duty to help whenever he felt bad or sad. But this was something she knew she could not help, was completely incapable of soothing. There was no way to make things better.
She did not have the slightest idea of what he felt in that moment
It was killing her – knowing that she was so useless. Wanting to help him so much, but not being able to.
The fear of hurting him prevented her from saying or doing anything. Every single word she considered included a trap – something she was afraid might hurt him, remind him, offend him. Then again – saying nothing, just sitting there like a frozen statue of indecision and grief carried the same weight.
Being here with Jacob seemed right. The least she could do.
"It was my fault…"
Jacob's whisper was almost drowned out by the rush of cold wind in Bella's ears, but she caught it none the less, seeing his lips move from the corner of her eye.
"She was… I made a scene that day. Because… she had bought the wrong magazine. I don´t even remember what is was… I was crying. It was Saturday and I was… I wanted to show it to Quil the day after. So… she tried to soothe me and… drove back to the supermarket. And… she never came home. She never…"
His voice broke and for the first time Bella saw Jacob cry – tears running down his russet cheeks, sobs shaking his massive body. Covering his face with his hands he tried to hide his pain, his tears, his emotions.
It broke her.
"Don´t!"
Within a second Bella's pale, shaking hands cover Jacob's, trying with all her might to pull them away from his face. She did not want him to hide anything from her – ever.
"Jake…"
Sighing deeply, tears gathering in her eyes, Bella stepped closer, leaning herself against Jacob entirely, resting her head against his chest, feeling and hearing his heartbeat beneath her skin.
He was alive. And suddenly everything came crashing down on Bella. The cold, the time freeze, the forever, the never ending, the doomed existence, the non-existence of everything that mattered to her in this moment – tears and warmth and a heartbeat.
It broke free then – waves and waves of tears flooding out of her, the dam finally opening for her, allowing all the choked emotions to leave, to grieve, to rest, to come to peace.
They just stood there, Jacob's arms soon falling from his face to wrap around Bella's fragile form, pulling her closer to him, both their bodies shaking with the onslaught of emotions. Holding on to each other.
It was too much for both of them – the restraint. The endless holding back.
And so was the release. Unbearable, agonizing. Unavoidable.
Feeling the ground dissolving underneath her feet Bella wrapped her arms tightly around Jacob's torso, holding onto him for she feared that she might lose herself in the flood of tears and grief and pain.
Forgotten was the wind, the sharp pain it caused, the cold. As they sank to the ground, wrapped around one another – being one person rather than two – neither of them was bothered by the cold and wet snow-covered ground or the fact that they were in front of the grave of Jacob's mother.
They are alive. They were living. An extreme. Right now.
Time passed around them – how much they did not know. But the sun was already setting when they resurfaced, their tears depleted, their throats sore, the convulsing of their bodies slowly calming down.
Jacob's hands were buried in Bella's long hair, pulling her head against his rapidly beating heart while Bella's legs were wrapped around him, pressing herself as close to him as she possibly could, feeling nothing but his warmth.
"Jake…"
"Bells…"
She made her choice then. That no matter how much pain it cause, living a life was what she truly wanted. Death included.
Unavoidable.