Forgiving the unforgivable.
disclaimer: i don not harry potter!
A/N: this was inspired by a story called 12 things i hate about you. its a sirius/regulus family fic by this author called zukiedude...and though this is not a fic about the black brothers i thought you should know!
"Hurry up already" a handsome dark haired boy whined.
"Shhh, someone might hear us" the sandy haired of the lot hushed him.
"you worry too much moony" James potter said from behind the former two before turning around to look for peter and saying "you know if you don't catch up with us sooner, you are going to be left behind in the dark" when a smaller, rounder boy trudged up to them, the four made their way deeper into the tunnel until they reached a familiar spot. Sirius flopped down promptly causing Remus to almost stumble over him.
"I suppose there is no point in asking you to do some work Sirius but could you at least hold the light momentarily?" Remus asked trying and failing to sound more annoyed.
"Right you are moony and sure" he said extra charmingly as he took the little ball of magic flames from Remus's palms. As he held it up, the other marauders set about working. The next five minutes were a hustle as they set up their boundaries and Sirius was reduced to cursing his brains for forgetting that setting up camp was the one job that he should rather do instead of holding the fire. On his seventh sigh, the place lit up and around him were floating candles (an imitation of the great hall), four cushions from their common room, food, Remus's books, James's Quidditch magazines and his motor bike magazines. This was the marauder's free time camp, set up in the dark tunnel behind the mirror in the fourth floor, though when James and Sirius worked and what Remus's books were doing there are questions that simply do not have an answer.
And so they lazed around, James excitedly telling peter about the latest cleansweep and reading out extracts from his magazine, Remus was doing extra studying on herbology which Sirius swore he couldn't find anything interesting about and Sirius was super engrossed in his muggle motor bike magazine continuing his research on them as he was planning on buying one in 2 years when he turned of age. Time passed by and none of them made any move to leave until peter got restless and honestly bored. James too had gone back to his magazine and there was nothing for him to do. When he began to whine about it, Sirius quickly shut him up saying it was his own fault that he didn't bother to bring anything along and Remus offered a book, when peter once again turned to James, the messy haired boy advised him to scurry around for a while and also help as a look out. Nodding peter transformed and scurried away.
It was a full ten minutes before their thoughts returned to peter again as a squealing rat came scurrying back towards them. The rat seemed frantic as it ran around them in panic transforming back only when Sirius swore to curse him into the next century if he didn't stop. Peter was sweating profusely and seemed incoherent as he told his friends that there was something else in the tunnel.
"Come off it Pete" Sirius said dismissing the other boy carelessly
"You must have imagined it" James said also returning to his magazine.
"I did not! Something was there! Remus really" the boy all but cried
"Hmmm maybe it was a boggart?" Remus said thoughtfully. That did not seem to console peter at all but James and Sirius perked up instantly.
"Now there's an interesting possibility" James said, putting down his magazine.
"And a totally possible possibility that one is" Sirius said following suit as he got up.
"We are going back?" peter asked hopefully, though he already knew it was a no.
"Of course not!" came Sirius's expected reply
"How long has it been since we faced a boggart?" James asked excitedly.
"It could still be something else" Sirius said equally excited, making peter whimper and move closer to Remus.
"I'm positive that it's a boggart, don't worry" Remus consoled and once again peter looked like that was still as bad as anything else and a good reason to worry.
"Come on wormy" James chided "I don't even remember what my last boggart turned into"
"Actually neither do I, has it been that long since third year?" Sirius asked rhetorically.
"Yes and probably a less handsome version of you" James answered anyway.
"Now that's definitely scary" Sirius said mock seriously
"Definitely less scary than a full moon" Remus muttered darkly just as peter whimpered again.
"Seriously wormtail, I'm more surprised that you are a Gryffindor than the whole world is that I am one" Sirius said very matter-of-factly as they headed deeper into the tunnel. Peter's whining increased as they got closer and suddenly they were standing in front of a floating orb that was hanging above Remus's head.
"See, I told you it's just a boggart peter" Remus said almost lazily as he reached for his wand, just as peter hid behind him.
"No I want a go at it moony!" James said intervening before Remus could say 'ridikkulus'
"Okay, he's all yours" Remus said, indicating for James to move forward and stepping aside.
Suddenly the hanging orb vanished and before them stood a fuming Minerva McGonagall. The boggart had come face to face with peter when Remus had stepped aside and the shortest of the marauders now stood quivering in front of it.
"You are afraid of darling old Minnie?" Sirius snickered.
"Have your chance at it padfoot, I wanna be the one to finish it off" James said easily. Sirius rolled his eyes before moving fluidly to stand before peter. And suddenly where there stood a livid McGonagall was now a regally dressed man with blonde hair, cold black eyes and a very disgusting looking face.
Sirius's back had become instantly rigid and he had gone as white as sheet as he took an unsteady step backwards "un- uncle Cygnus?" Sirius stuttered.
The other three marauders too watched transfixed as they had never seen Sirius look anything even remotely close to scared before and seeing him like this was unsettling.
"Padfoot it – it's just a boggart" Remus said recovering first. James thought he saw Sirius nod but couldn't be sure, his best mate was shaking from head to toe and that had James paralyzed.
They watched as Sirius reached for his wand with a shaking hand, and clutched at it with pale white fingers. Nobody heard what he muttered but before anybody could say or do anything else, there was a flash of green light and the boggart hit the floor, a mass of dead black. Nobody moved, if they had been transfixed before, they were downright petrified now. James was looking horrified and Remus looked simply shocked. Peter on the other hand had transformed and scurried off in fright and Sirius had practically turned into stone. A stone that slowly cracked and found life seeping back into it.
Suddenly realizing what he had just done, Sirius moved. He literally flew out of the tunnel at a speed that left only a blur of colors for the others to see.
"Sirius!" Remus called after him too stunned to follow, but the boy didn't pause. Helpless, Remus turned instead towards James who looked like he was going to be sick.
"James?" Remus asked finally getting his limbs to do what they were told as he moved closer to James and reached out for the boys shoulder.
"Did he just- was that - ?" James finally asked sounding slightly dazed and begging Remus with his eyes to deny it. The equally shocked prefect looked at James with questioning eyes as he answered "I think so…"
Instantly James's expression turned to one of hurt "I don't believe it" he said, his voice suddenly a whisper.
Remus looked uncertain and after a few more minutes of just standing there, the two marauders made their way out, completely forgetting to put on the cloak, they walked through the fourth floor corridors when they heard a voice commanding them to stop.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin shouldn't you be in dinner?" the head of their house asked sternly. They nodded mutely "well then come along" she said and began to walk towards the great hall. They exchanged a look but followed after her anyway.
The great hall seemed such a foreign place to be at when they were feeling so odd. People turned every now and then to stare at the two lone marauders as they sat wordlessly without eating. They heard whispers of a possible fight between them, mostly between potter and black, lupin doesn't seem to be the fighting kind and Pettigrew doesn't stand a chance was the verdict that had been passed during the fifteen minutes that had passed since they arrived. Feeling sick to the gut, both Gryffindor's left the hall in silence, but once alone in the corridors, James simply couldn't hold it any longer.
"I don't know what is bothering me more, the fact that Sirius looked ready to faint at the sight of the man or the fact that he used an unforgivable curse or that he knew how to " James burst out.
"Maybe it was just the first thing that came to his mind" Remus said for once too disoriented to think before speaking
"That's the first curse that comes to a death eater's mind, not a marauder's!" James answered, his eyes flashing and his voice hard "there has to be something else" he continued defending his best friend even as his head screamed betrayal. He hated anyone who used dark arts and thought Sirius did too, and to think that his best friend, his brother had used the worst of them all made him want to puke his guts out. Remus had fallen silent too, not knowing what to say. They reached their tower in silence and quietly made their way back to their dorms, no reading by the fire, no pranks, no tailing Evans, nothing. They knew that the whole common room was watching them but right then it didn't matter. Opening the door to their dorm, they saw peter jump in fright.
"Where's Sirius?" James asked wondering why he was surprised that his best mate wasn't there. Peter moved his shoulders in what James supposed was a shrug though in reality it was a more like a shudder. Remus said something about getting a book from the library before it closed for the night and peter said that he was just heading for the kitchens, and so James was left alone in the dorm with nothing to do. He lay sprawled on his bed, thinking the exact same thoughts that Remus was as he subconsciously walked towards the library.
Time passed and James looked at the door every minute, expecting his brother to walk in and quickly sat up each time the door opened, but it was moony and wormtail returning and so he continued looking at it ever so often.
"I don't think he is coming" Remus said softly after they had waited for an entire hour.
"But where could he be?" James asked his brows smashing together as he thought.
"I don't know, but I suppose he wants some time alone prongs. Let's give him the night". Remus said, now able to think more clearly as the shock had faded.
James nodded half heartedly and the remaining marauders quickly changed and had the lights put out. In minutes peter was snoring away but neither James nor Remus could sleep. Every second or so their eyes moved from Sirius's empty bed to the door and finally to each other and even in the dark they could tell exactly what the others pained expression meant. They each wanted to be out there looking for their friend, they each had the image of a pale and shaking Sirius haunting their minds and they both saw a constant flash of green in their minds.
It was nearly four in the morning when their door finally opened. Both the boys froze but watched as Sirius walked in, unsteady on his feet and shaking he reached his bed and fell into it before curling into the sheets. It wasn't until they heard a strangled sob that they both threw off their covers and moved towards their best friend.
"Padfoot?" James called quietly as he stood with Remus at the side of Sirius's bed.
Sirius looked startled to see them awake and sat up. They could see that he was trying to say something but the words were choking him.
"Mate you don't have to explain now, we'll talk about it tomorrow…." James said soothingly as he sat down next to his best friend
"And we don't suddenly think you are like the rest of your family just because of one slip" Remus said shrewdly, taking his place on Sirius's other side.
Suddenly Sirius was crying openly, the tears flowed freely and they for the first time saw what a wreck he really was. He didn't know why he was crying, was it because seeing Cygnus's face again had made all the nightmares suddenly engulf him at once or because he was no different from his family no matter what Remus said he didn't know. But suddenly he found himself crushed under the weight of all that he generally pretended to be non existent. The horrors of his family returned, the pain he had bottled up within him all these years flooded out of him and he cried.
James held on to him as Remus rubbed soothing patterns on his back but it didn't help. He was broken, inside out and no one could ever guess how much damage had been done. To his family, he was filth, the traitor, to his brother and his cousins, he was the Gryffindor that could take anything head on and still fight through it all, and to his schoolmates he was the one with everything, from richness to good looks to popularity to talent and to his friends he was a prankster with a devil may care attitude, brave and loyal and practically unbreakable and yet in reality he was just a boy who had been through too much in life thus making him bitter and sardonic and disbelieving in the fairness of it, but he would never let anyone know, he couldn't, his black pride would never let the world see what he really was and he cried all the more for it. He cried for everything he had lost until he finally fell asleep, too drained of both energy and emotions.
The sun was already up and it was the early hours of the weekend when James and Remus finally got up from Sirius's bed. Remus tucked him in before following James out to the common room. Neither felt like sleeping, neither thought they actually could. They were thoroughly shaken and were both close to tears themselves.
Sirius had cried for hours and they had never expected to ever feel so miserable in their life. There was really nothing they could do to help their best friend out and as if their helplessness wasn't frustrating enough, they each felt very guilty for never having realized that Sirius too was only human.
Even now it was a strange for them to digest that their constantly bright and full of life best friend was the same person who had just cried his eyes out for hours. Sirius had always been the consoling one, whether it was James feeling down because of Evans or Remus being depressed because of his furry problem, Sirius was the one that cheered them up, never before had they had the predicament of having to console him and they were lost.
Time passed unnoticed and neither of them paid any attention, returning to their dorms only to escape the questioning looks of the others as they started to wake up. It was around noon when Sirius finally woke up, his eyes were still very red and he looked nothing relatively close to his normal self. He felt James's and Remus's eyes on him and he knew that he owed them the truth. He didn't want to tell them, but they had to know to understand, he sighed.
"Ummm if you two aren't sleepy there is something I….I have to show you" he said willing himself to get it done with. They both stood up immediately and he bit his lip. He still wanted to back out and not tell, but as he met those hazel eyes filled with warmth and those tired chocolate brown eyes filled with concern, his resolve solidified.
"You'll have to change if you want to go there" his voice was still weak and raspy after all the crying but neither boy commented on it. They wordlessly changed and looked at him expectantly.
As the three boys walked through the corridors in silence, Sirius spoke again "what I'm going to show you now is no excuse for the curse I used yesterday but I hadn't intended to. It slipped and I want you to understand exactly what it is that drove me to mutter the wrong spell." His voice was softer now; there was pain there as he spoke those words and their depth was James's first clue to realizing that Sirius black was no child but a young man.
Two sets of eyebrows were raised when they realized where they were going. Unable to retain his curiosity Remus asked "Dumbledore's office?" Sirius nodded before asking them to wait outside for a moment. Two minutes later, the headmaster walked out of his office, leaving Sirius behind, Sirius who was motioning for them to come inside.
James looked confused and Remus wasn't feeling very different either.
"He uh wanted to give us some privacy" Sirius explained "and I'm sorry for what you are going to see" he added as he turned around and poured a vial of liquid into the pensive. Neither boy had used a pensive before but they were scared to now; there was something in Sirius's expression that made the lines "innocence is bliss" flash in their minds. But before they knew it, all three of them were in Sirius's memory.
The first scene that met them was a grand overtly decorated living room with green and silver drapes that made them realize that this was the insides of Sirius's house, a place that neither of them had been invited to before. They watched Orion and walburga black sitting there with mutinous expressions when an eleven year old Sirius black entered. The silence of the room was instantly shattered as Sirius's mother began to screech. They listened to her hurl insults at him for being a Gryffindor and for making friends with filthy blood traitors. They watched Sirius stand before her with his head down and silent, not making a single witty retort. When his mother had drained herself of insults and breath, his father stepped forward and slapped him hard. James's mouth fell open in horror and Remus's breath hitched when they saw Orion black's ring cut into his son's skin, leaving a thin red line form on his cheek. In shock they continued to watch Sirius being ordered to his room and locked up there for the rest of Christmas. Next to them Sirius was smiling sadly and shaking his head, this was just the beginning.
The scenes began to shift faster; they saw him being let out of his room only when his parents wanted to yell at him more, the number of slaps increased, the insults became worse and they saw him being practically starved. It was the summer after the first year when things really took a turn for the worst or so they thought. The slaps became curses, the insults became more humiliating and degrading and Sirius was looking more bitter by the minute. His usually laughing eyes was filled with cold hatred when he was with his family and they watched as he began to stand up for his friends and for the things he believed in. that was unfortunately the last straw for his parents, after that the memories all saw the use of dark curses on him by his parents, they watched him lose consciousness more than a dozen times half way through their tortures and wake up hours later on the floor, bloodied and weak.
Both boys were crying and on a couple of occasions James forgetting that these were just memories would jump to stand before his best friend as another dark curse flew at him. Sirius watched James's face scrunch up in pain as the curse went right through him and hit the younger version of Sirius that he was trying to defend. Remus too was having a hard time standing there without doing anything, more than once he made a move to grab the Sirius in the memory as the boy stumbled and fell, unable to stand.
Then came the cruciatis curse, which saw both James and Remus scream as if in pain and beg walburga to stop as they saw Sirius being tortured to near insanity. Of course, it never did stop, they saw their friend's lip bleed as he bit at them to stop himself from screaming, they heard as he finally gave in and let his screams of pain echo throughout. This had to be the worst a pale and shaking James potter thought but Remus lupin knew better, he knew it wasn't over yet and he hated his reasoning brain for making him realize that. The cruciatis became the imperius and they for the first time realized its true horrors and the reason why it was an unforgivable when they watched Sirius being forced to slit his own hand open and hold a flaming hot rod and char his own skin. Both friends watched petrified as Sirius suffered, for the first time they saw what Sirius's body was really like, the scars and the burns decorating his pale white skin made Remus thank the stars above that he was a werewolf instead of a black.
Finally the room around them quieted, and both marauders turned to face the real Sirius who was resolutely avoiding their eyes. They saw his eyes burn with cold fury as he watched his family in the memory dine and they were both scared. Sirius black when angry was a force to be reckoned with and could positively send even the strongest of men searching for hideouts. Cold hatred emanated from each cell in his body and right there James decided that this was what his next boggart would turn into. Remus's knees finally gave out as he watched Sirius beg his family to help when his uncle dragged him away to be raped. The scene shifted and materialized into a bed room and James nearly wretched when he saw the bloodied bed sheets and finally passed out when he heard Sirius curse his good looks for making him his uncle's sex toy. Remus had just thrown up but had managed to maintain his hold on his consciousness even if it was by the feeblest of strings when the memories finally ended.
They were back in Dumbledore's office and Sirius was looking anywhere but at them. Time flew past and Sirius had taken up a position by the window, looking outside, the space an escape. James had come around and was bawling his eyes out and Remus was no different as he sat on the cold floor and cried. It was a while before Sirius reminded them that they had to return. Both boys nodded mutely and got unsteadily to their feet, following Sirius out. They made their way back to the dorms without incident, and if half the Gryffindor's had seen the red eyed and shaking James and Remus follow a very grim and paler than usual Sirius, they did not comment. The marauders were after all well liked and respected by the student community and no one dared disrupt their privacy.
Once back in their room, Sirius escaped to the showers and peter was no where to be seen. James and Remus each took to their beds, the latter curling up within himself while the messy black haired boy sat against the canopy, still shaking.
Slowly the horror faded and James potter felt a new kind of pain rip through his body but it was easily overpowered by the pure rage that coursed through his every vein. For the first time in his life he wanted to inflict pain on another person, he wanted to hurt someone and laugh, for the first time in his life he wanted to kill. He wanted to rip the last of the blacks to shreds and make sure that nobody ever hurt Sirius again.
The horror faded from Remus too, but instead of rage he felt hatred. He hated the blacks from the core of his heart and wished they would all rot to death. He felt fiercely protective of the boy he thought he had known for the past five years. He also felt shame well up within him for constantly blaming fate for all it did to him. He thought of Sirius always laughing through life, hoping for the best, never complaining but making the best he could with what fate dished out and felt respect and awe fill him.
Sirius returned from his bath and looked at his friends, both silently looking at him with anguished eyes and he sighed. Quickly moving through the room, he dug into Remus's chocolate stash and handed a bar to each of them. Grateful they both took the offered chocolate but words still failed them.
The handsome dark haired boy took his place on his favorite window sill and looked out as he spoke. "Well now you know how I learnt my dark arts, I guess its time I apologize for what I did yesterday. …. I swear I had no idea I was going to use an unforgivable until it was done." His soft voice barely reached them.
"I think some people deserve unforgivables" James spat. Sirius looked taken aback
"James that was a killing curse" he replied still more softly
"And I would gladly do it for you the next time" James said. Sirius turned around in complete shock. Seeing the resolve in James's eyes he turned instead to Remus.
"I think James is right" Remus said in agreement.
"Nonetheless I'm sorry" Sirius said finally. James was about to say something, but knowing what Sirius actually needed Remus quickly intervened. "Its okay, you are forgiven" he said, smiling slightly. Understanding dawned and James nodded. Sirius smiled his thanks and the sun finally seemed to have risen in the marauders world as they each returned his smile, knowing that normality would soon seep back in.
A/N : okaaay first things first, on my defense, i have chicken pox and plunnies attacking me at the same time so this was the best i could do. i know the ending is kinda lame but i'm sorry about that!