As I Lay Dying…

Should I tell you about some of the happy days of my life, or all my defeats?

There are the times when I went to bed hungry or when I was crying, both of relief and maybe of sadness?

No…

I want to tell another story.

It is a story about an eye-opening experience that took place too late to do any good.

A story, which might make you cry, might make you look differently at life or even make you feel like it's worth living.

It shouldn't be so hard. It's all written in my heart, so it's only a matter of putting it all right together on paper. But it is harder than it sounds…

The annoying sound of the machine, which kept my heart beating, beamed and yelled in my head.

I knew I probably should have been thankful for it, but it was hard when the same machine that had rescued my life gave me such a huge headache.

However, at the same time I was very comfortable in the huge, white bed. I tried to open my eyes, but it was like they were glued together. I felt heavy throughout my entire body like if I weighed a thousand pounds. I was suddenly overwhelmed by panic. Where was I?

Cool fingers ran over my forehead. It felt like light rain, which brushed some of all my confusion and panic away. I sighed of relief. It didn't really matter where I was, as long as I could just be with my beloved sister Beth. Or more than just a sister; she was my twin sister actually.

"Shh," she said, still brushing my forehead. "Don't cry."

I hadn't realized that I was crying until she said it. But why shouldn't I? I had finally managed to open my eyes and, at the same time, realized what all of this meant—why I was lying in a hospital bed with massive machines next to me, which were specially designed to keep dying people alive. It was often an impossible mission because that was what I was: dying.

I needed to think back. It was the only way to understand what had happened to me, but I could only remember sudden darkness and emptiness.

"What happened?" I asked her with a small, harsh voice.

"We thought that it would be okay," she said, her eyes blank with tears and her voice full of emotion. "You were doing so well. Who would have known that your heart couldn't stand the pressure for long without your medication? The doctors said it would be alright, that it was best for your body to have some peace after all the studies, treatments, and operations! So we went on a shopping trip to the supermarket. You know, we had planned it for so long, and we thought that now is the time to just get out and away from everything. You were telling me about a funny story you had heard. Your face was just filled with smiles and laughter for once, but then you just suddenly fell down on the floor, and your head hit the floor with an awful crack…" Her voice broke, and she hid her face in her hands while her shoulders shook. I felt sorry for her, even though it should have been me who needed the comfort.

"Shh…" I said, laying my hand on her shoulder. "I know. You don't have to say it. I had a heart attack and nothing can rescue me now. In some way, I had known it for long. It has always been a matter of time," I said darkly.

Beth raised her head and looked at me, still crying, but now without sound.

"You knew?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

She was silent for some time. Then she suddenly looked at me with hard eyes, and her voice was angry when she spoke:

"Then why didn't you warn me? It would have been nice not to get such a massive shock! I thought everything was fine now, that we could have a great summer for once! Like that picnic trip I've arranged! You have really looked forward to that, I know!"

I could feel the grief stuck in my chest, and my eyes began to sting. My breathing quickened, and the heart monitor's rhythm beeped faster. I hated to hurt my sister!

Beth's eyes became sorry, and her anger was quickly gone.

"I'm so sorry. You've just awoken, and the first thing I do is to yell at you! Please forgive me…"

She got closer to me, laid her head on top of my pillow, and once again brushed over my head and comforted me, but I needed to say something before I could feel better again.

"No, you're right," I said, and, regretfully, you could still hear the sadness in my voice. "I should have warned you; it's not fair to you, but I couldn't bear to see you worrying all the time! I wanted you to be happy for as long as possible." I broke off, knowing that if I kept talking, I would start to cry.

"Shh…" Beth said once more. "Don't feel so bad. I know. I just freaked out, that's all. It must be the nerves." And the fact that my sister is dying, she thought bitterly.

For a long time we just laid on my huge, white hospital bed with Beth brushing my head and humming a melody.

I looked sorrowfully up to the ceiling, not seeing and not understanding anything of what was happening to me.

It was too unbelievable.

Then Beth broke off the melody and spoke again after she had been away in her thoughts.

"Tell me, why do you have to pay for that heart trouble you were born with? Somebody as good as you shouldn't be ripped away from us like this! It's not fair!"

I laughed a small and humorless laugh. "So everyone else can die by illness, just not me, or what are you saying?" I sighed. "No, that is not how it works."

But her words got something started in me. Maybe it had been there for a while in the back of my mind, and finally had a chance to break free. My breathing quickened again, this time not in sorrow but in anger! Yes. Why me? Have I ever said something unfair or hurtful to God or anyone, something really bad so I should have this punishment? I have always tried my best to be kind when it was possible. I wrinkled my eyebrows. It wasn't fair!

Beth looked at me, now with a question in her eyes. "Are you okay? You don't look okay."

"No," I said, short and sharp. I felt my muscle tense, really feeling unjustified and angry at anyone and everything!

Beth sat up in the bed and looked at me again. I closed my eyes, so she at least couldn't see all the way through me. "You can tell me," she said quietly, brushing my arm.

Suddenly I couldn't hold it in myself any more. The words burst out:

"I don't want to die now! Why? I'm way too young, anyone would agree with me on that point. There is so much I haven't seen or done yet. You are right. It isn't fair at all! Is God playing games with me on the one day I'm feeling better and walking around, thinking everything is going to be alright? The next I'm weaker and sicker than ever! If this is a joke, then it really isn't a funny one! To be one moment at home and the next at the hospital, never knowing if this is the end for me? Maybe this should be the end because then you would at least be free to live your life without worrying about me."

I could feel how weak I was, the anger sucked out all the power that was left in me, and I fell deeper down in the pillows, feeling more and more tired, but also a bit relieved to finally have let it all out, all the feelings and desperation. Then the guilt came. How sad had I made my sister?

I looked at her from the corner of my eye. To my surprise, she was looking at her feet. Then she slowly lifted her head and looked me straight in the eyes.

"You don't honestly believe a word you've just said? That I would be happier without you? You're such a big part of my life; I can't see myself anywhere without you."

She took my hand, and I felt my throat thicken. I would not cry again!

A pain ripped through my chest. Beth watched me carefully, and with extremely anxious and scared eyes.

I sensed that I didn't have much life left. "You know..." I fought to breathe evenly. "That so-called 'man in my life' I never get to find?" I half smiled at her and she nodded. "I'm a little bit sad that I waited so long to look for him. I never had a single date in my entire life, except if you count that blind-date-mistake in on it." Beth laughed a little of the memory. I looked at her with pained and sad eyes, and she abruptly stopped and watched me. "Don't you dare make that same mistake! And when I'm gone, you also have to go out and have some fun. Don't lock yourself away. Go out and meet some people! "

"But you're my best friend," she whispered.

"Yeah," I sighed. "You, too, Beth. You, too." I suddenly became overwhelmed by tiredness. I felt like I was swimming in a big ocean, my head under water and my body getting heavier as every moment passed.

"Take good care, right sis?" I tried to smile at her, but it became a pained mask. She took my hand and held it tightly. "Don't leave me," she said her voice weak and trembling.

I was already halfway gone. In the background I could hear Beth screaming after a doctor.

Life is beautiful. I saw that clearly.

I sighed.

How ironic that this was the time to find out, now when my life was over.

I closed my eyes forever.