A continuation of the Saga of Legolas and Aragorn's quest to defeat the dreaded Mary Sue...
Despite the best efforts of Aragorn and Legolas, one of their smarter Mary Sues (if there is such a thing) figured out that the cardboard cut outs were in fact, not real. The unfortunate discovery of this fact was realized by our two heroes when the Prince of Mirkwood was kidnapped by a magical magician Mary Sue named Celia Ceara Fainaloth. How this unfortunate event took place shall now be relayed in my best efforts possible for when the poor characters returned from this horrendous mishap they were quite shaken.
Legolas was sitting quietly in one of the gardens of Minas Tirith when he was jolted from his reverie by a woman's scream. Fearing that something had happened to the Queen or one of the maids, he jumped up and ran in the direction that he thought the scream had issued from. This led him into a rose garden a few yards away. Unfortunately as soon as he ran under the arch of spreading roses he was grabbed by the collar and pulled into the embrace of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her hair hung down her back in luscious golden locks like spun gold. Her eyes were like gazing into a deep well, one you cannot see the bottom of, and fear of falling into. Her lips were plump and red as the reddest rose. Her skin was so fair it was almost white in color, and was so soft it was like stroking silk. Immediately Legolas realized the danger he was in, and tried to flee, but regrettably this MS had been an apprentice to Gandalf in a former fanfic and jumped in front of Legolas screaming.
"You shall not pass!" Legoals, appalled that she would speak to him such, was offended.
"Do I really look like a Balrog to you?"
"No Legolas, my meleth* your just as hot as the Balrog!" She said swooningly in a breathy voice, grabbing him again by the collar and pulling him in for an embrace, he panicked and tried to get away, but it was to late, she planted a kiss on his lips and they were both snatched up into the Mary Sue Void which is every character's worst fear.
Legolas awoke in a small hut in the middle of a forest, with the same beautiful woman who had kissed him. He was about to spring up and take a dash for the door, but then realized he found his feet were tied to the bed. Taking care not to let her see that he was up, he reached for his dagger to untie the rope, but Celia Ceara Fainaloth had the foresight of Elrond of Imladris (having been his secret illegitimate daughter raised by rangers in the north in her first fanfic) and she rose from her seat by the fire with a sickeningly sweet smile on her face. She gently reached over and took the dagger from his hand.
"Now now dear, we don't want you hurting yourself with that. Oh, my poor little elf, I thought the worst when I found you unconscious in the forest! You were bleeding profusely and a marauding orc band must have attacked you. Your lucky I found you." She said matter-o-factly. "How do you feel?"
"Terrible." He said flatly. Then, as his hand brushed this pocket, he realized he still had his ipalantir, there was still hope! Thinking fast of a way to escape the ever-seeing eyes of Celia Ceara Fainaloth he came up with a very inconspicuous excuse to be alone. "I have to use the restroom." He murmured. The Sue blushed noticeably but untied his feet and told him to use the bucket in the corner then excused herself from the hut. He hurriedly took his palantir from his pocked and dialed 667 the Mary Sue Help hotline for Tolkien Characters or rather the equivalent of 911 to ME. It had originally been set up by Sam and Frodo in Hobbiton but had fortunately been expanded to universal coverage of Middle Earth. It rang several times before the operator picked up.
"Mary Sue Help Hot Line for Middle Earth, what is the nature of your emergency?"
"I am being held against my will by a MS out in the middle of no where." Legolas whispered in a panicked voice.
"Hold on there, Ok, just stay calm sir, what is your name?"
"Legolas Thandurillion."
"Oh, yes of course, we thought we'd be getting one from you sooner or later. So you don't have any idea of your location?"
"No, apparently I was sucked into the Void, is there any way to get me out of here? And quickly!"
"Yes sir, it's perfectly all right, I have a GPS tracking device in your palaintir and we can see your location now. SDR (Sue Destruction and Removal) troops will be moving in as quickly as possible!"
"Thank you!" Legolas cried overjoyed. Then there was a knock on the door and he paled as the Sue asked in a motherly voice,
"Are you all right in there sweetums? Do you need some help?"
"No, I am quite all right!" he said hurriedly, jumping back onto the bed. "OK, I'm done!" He called and the door opened.
"Do you feel any better now?"
"Yes, quite." He lied, trying to act as nonchalant as possible.
"Then would you like to take a walk in the forest, it is a lovely day, the squirrels will be out along with all the little birdies and chipmunks, I can talk to animals you know."
"I could have guessed." He scoffed under his breath. "Err, I'd rather not, I um…still have a headache from the orc blow."
She laughed
"Oh you silly boy! You didn't get knocked out, I brought you here, I just wanted to see if you'd play along."
"Crap." Legolas muttered.
"So, Do come and lets go for a walk. It is a lovely day." She took his hand and led him out into the bright cheery sunlight. "Come, let us frolic in the spring weather my love!" she skipped off delightedly, dragging him along and he promptly gagged at the thought of 'frolicking'. Elvish princes do no 'frolic'. Suddenly the Celia Cearia Fainaloth began to sing in a high, piercing voice. Legolas cringed. Then out of nowhere a mass of butterflies and bees appeared along with a company of songbirds, hundreds of rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks and about 50 deer. "Oh!" the sue said excitedly. "I had no idea there were so many wonderful animals in this forest! Hello little friends!" She was then promptly massed in butterflies and rabbits, all the while laughing hysterically. The blood drained from Legolas's face as he began to realize just how strong this Sue was. He'd seen plenty who could talk to animals, but not at this magnitude. Then he heard from inside the butterflies.
"There is a lovely elf over there who would be glad to meet all of you! Go and welcome him!"
"Oh no…." he breathed. Simultaneously all the creatures turned and began to run, fly, flap buzz and bounce strait towards him. Shrieking he ran as fast as he could but he somehow tripped on a loose stone and went sprawling into a mass of sweet spring flowers. He was then promptly tackled by a zoo. All that one could see was a mass of color and buzzing along with a hoof here and an ear there and the only evidence of the prince was a strained hand clawing the air above the mayhem. Suddenly there was a shriek as he had unfortunately rolled onto one the bees. This tiny death sent out some signal to all the rest of the menagerie who backed off, heads lowered and ears back. The cheery smile disappeared from Celia Cearia Fainaloth's face and she ran over to where the bruised elf was collecting himself.
"What happened?" she demanded.
"You tell me." He moaned, trying to sit up. Then she saw the tiny casualty lying in the grass. Concerned she bent over the miniscule body. Then she gasped. She looked up at Legolas who was nursing the sting on his forearm.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" She shrieked in utter agony. She tore her hair and rent her dress as wail after wail issued from the red lips. A group of bees immediately came to her side as did a few deer and some rabbits. "I am sorry my brothers! He was beyond my healing skills." she lamented to the bees, who were buzzing with drooping wings. After about ten more minutes of this constant wailing, she turned and looked up at Legolas. Her eyes were red. " YOU MURDERER! You will pay for this!" She lunged forward and suddenly had him in a headlock. "You dared to kill one of the brethren! You shall pay, prince!" Legolas, choking in the furious grip tried desperately to explain it was an accident, but she would have none of it. "You must accept the consequences of your actions!" She told him. He watched with growing horror as the bees and butterflies descended on him with rope and somehow magically managed to tie his feet and hands. Celia Cearia Fainaloth's grip loosened and he fell panting to the ground. She kicked him in the ribs and then drug him into the cottage.
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE SDR HEADQUARTERS…
"But why can't we go now!" Aragorn demanded, stamping his foot in a very un-kingly like manner. "he could be being kissed to death! Or worse!"
"I know, my Lord, we are doing as much as we can. We are stilly trying to track the GPS, he's in a very very remote location, this sue is one of the strongest we've seen. We're going to have to send in our elite task force for this one." The captain answered.
"Don't worry honey." Arwen said gently, taking her husbands arm. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a capable fighter."
"But even the strongest of us cannot face one alone." He murmured.
"Sir! I have the location." Exclaimed an excited worker.
"Let me see." The captain said, but Aragorn beat him to the monitor.
"He's apparently in the lands beyond Mordor. In," the man squinted, "Twinkle light forest? Since when has there been a 'Twinkle Light' forest in Middle Earth? Sweet Eru." He pointed to a tiny red dot on the screen that was blinking.
"Right. Call the Sue Dagnir*." Someone hit a button on the wall and almost immediately a group of ten men appeared, all dressed in black armor and armed to the teeth with nearly every kind of weapon known to M.E.
"King Aragorn, I would like you to meet the Sue Dagnir, our elite unit of the SDR."
"Gentleman, I'm glad to meet you, you do a great service to your world."
"Thank you sir." One of the men said.
"Ahh, this is Ruarc, the leader of the Dagnir."
"An honor to meet you sir." Ruarc said, shaking Aragorn's hand. Aragorn nodded and then turned to the Captain.
"Lets go, we've got an elf to save."
*Meleth-love
*Dagnir-Bane, Sue's Bane