Note from the b: This contains a few spoilers. Don't say I didn't warn ya! And I had to substitute some inside stuff from Evangelion to others. And since I don't know what a 'daipinchi' (big pinch) really is, you have to be familiar with The Rock to understand what Relena got. Too much inside story. Let's just get it on.
Thanks to Matthew Grimes for translating the entire Evangelion Addition drama track!
Note from the b: yeah, whoever the guy is, mad props to him!
Duo: Whaaaaaat!? They're "extending our series run due to unexpected popularity"!? (Translator's note: this is fiction)
Noin: Yup.
Duo: Nobody told me about this!
Une: We just did.
Wufei: We get called together for the first time in a while and this is the news we're treated to.
Trowa: I was enjoying that long vacation after the series ended.
Zechs: Sadly our idle days are over.
Dr. J: Indeed. Even the scheduling of our first new episodes has been finished.
Sally: They've already gone that far?
Relena: To think that they spent so much time giving us the green light to start the series.
Dorothy: It's a capitalist world.
Duo: But why do we have to put up with decisions made by some higher-ups for profit!?
Noin: Economics is the foundation of society and our popularity is what puts our food on our tables!
Heero: It was said a long time ago: "Your work and your popularity- never take them for granted."
Une: Pushing your talents is a way to keep the worst at bay.
Noin: In this world where you can't count on tomorrow, you should be thankful that we even have a steady job.
Duo: Well, that's true. This is better than having a psychological conflict. Roger. Fine. Lets do it.
Heero: What's the situation?
Noin: Actually, we're really pressed for time.
Une: The script was actually due today, and recording the voices has to be finished by tonight.
All: (Exasperated panic)
Noin: So basically we need our ideas set by this evening.
Duo: That's impossible!!
Noin: We don't have a choice! That's what Mr. Baka from Sotsu Agency wants (and I OK'd it...) Just think of this as the fate of a popular show.
Une: There's no use complaining about something that's been set in stone. The healthiest thing to do now is look at the situation and accept it.
Duo: Oh, but, c'mon!
Noin: No c'mons, what are you going to do, go on strike?
Une: The best thing to do now is to figure out how to overcome this crisis.
Sally: We can all work together to solve the problem!
Duo: (Under his breath) Oh, please.
Wufei: I guess we should've easily seen this coming.
Sally: Wow, kids these days are cynical.
Trowa: I guess now what's left to do is the systematic identification of problem points, their analysis and evaluation, followed by drawing out an appropriate conclusion about the solution thereof.
Sally: Wow, kids these days have matured!
Trowa: Anyways, if we wish the recovery, maintenance, then growth of our popularity, the first thing begging consideration is the return of you-know-who to the show.
Une: Oh, don't worry, I've already called him. (footsteps of you-know-who)
Treize: I'm Treize Khushrenada. We meet again.
Note from the b: I didn't know who the hell to put in for Kaoru. Treize was the only thing that came close in the show. Plus he's the only one that died.
Duo: Well hello, gay cape-boy.
Treize: I really wish you wouldn't make statements when you lack evidence for them. But I suppose the only things you lack are restraint and a decent wardrobe.
Duo: Oh, shut up!
Wufei: He's just pissed because he can't deny it.
Duo: Oh, what! As if YOU don't lack a decent wardrobe!?
Wufei: Screw you, woman! Have you noticed that you're also lacking a good haircut!?
Treize: Too bad you couldn't say the same for his boots.
Duo: You guys just lack any sense of humor! (Background erupts in everybody giving their own stupid "lack" witticisms.)
Dr. J: You all lack supportiveness and teamwork.
Sally: We as a team lack time and funds.
Noin: (Frustrated grunt) And while we all play this stupid "lack" fight, our deadlines are drawing closer second by second.
Relena: This is what they call a "dummysmack" isn't it?
Sally: But restarting a series in such short notice would be a legendary feat. I'd say it's impossible.
Noin: Exactly. So I was thinking of just changing the story direction completely.
Une: It's been decided that the ideas for the story will now be drawn from a wider base than just the writers.
Wufei: So that's why we're really here.
Noin: Yep. I'm expecting fresh suggestions from you all.
Relena: Well then the best new thing to push is obvious!
Zechs: Yes. Sex appeal.
Dr. J: Absolutely. Mark it as our primary battle plan.
Noin: In other words, I'll have you guys debut all over again as the show's "G-bishonen!"
Duo: G-bishonen!?
Une: Here are your newly designed "default" outfits. We'll have none of that tank top and spandex combo anymore, Heero.
Duo: What the heck is this!? A clear diving suit!?
Sally: This wardrobe is definitely a blow to the head.
Une: You mean the abs? They'll be more appreciated by our audience this way.
Noin: Oh they're fine! You guys are young!
Duo: I don't care how young I am; a line has been crossed here.
Noin: Heero doesn't seem to have a problem.
Duo: Oh, c'mon Heero, say something.
Heero: I don't mind. It comes with the job.
Duo: You never change. You've always lacked lines and taste.
Heero: It doesn't matter. I don't care.
Duo: Oh, come on! Just look at yourself! If you tweaked the outfit a little they'd even see you-know-where, (Does something) see!?
(Reaction from female cast members)
Treize: Relena, what's wrong? You're bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)
Dorothy: Well, you don't see you-know-what every day.
Duo: On top of that, how's this!? (Tweaks outfit even more. More female reactions.)
Noin: Oh, hello Trowa.
Zechs: What's wrong, Trowa? You're bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops hit floor)
Trowa: No, it's nothing.
Noin: Well, ah, I guess this might be stretching some morals.
Duo: I told you. If this were TV there'd be digital blurring on us.
Heero: I don't mind. It comes with the job.
Duo: Of course the teachers pet'll do anything Dr. J wants him to.
Noin: Ok, we'll get back to the sex appeal issue. Let's move on to other problems.
Duo: I know a problem!
Noin: Yes, Duo?
Duo: The main problem with our show is the blonde, I tell ya.
Une: Quatre Raberba Winner?
Duo: Yes! Letting this lame, goody-two-shoe kid take on the role of leader was a fundamental mistake. I mean, he hasn't said a word since we started working. Can you really call this our leader?
Quatre: Oh... sorry.
Duo: What are you, stupid!? That's your first line!? See!? He always wants to be peaceable, and still thinks that accepting and not fighting gets rid of the problem.
Noin: Hmm.
Une: He has a point.
Zechs: Mm. So we change the Gundam leader.
Dr. J: Yes. I've no qualms with that.
Quatre: What? Wait!
Duo: Moving on from our homo-boy Trowa-lovin' Quatre, next there's this guy.
Une: Heero Yuy?
Duo: Yep. On top of the leader we've got a main character who's part cool-heartless-action-dude and part wuss Relena-lover. We've got to do something about Puppet Boy.
Zechs: But he's always number one in the popularity polls.
Dr. J: I've no qualms with him.
Duo: And that's just what I can't figure out! He rarely talks more than a sentence at a time. He has the easy job of just acting all expressionless in the cockpit and he gets all the votes. He's like a pull-string doll, he goes (imitating Heero's voice) "Mission Accepted" or "Mission Complete" or "I'm gonna kill you" or "Relena" AND THAT'S ALL HE EVER SAYS!!
Quatre: We mustn't fight... It isn't right...
Duo: Will you shut up?
Une: But again, he has a point. Though Relena -did- soften him up a bit.
Noin: Hmmm, if our posterchild started saying more lines, maybe he'd become even more popular.
Zechs: It's worth a try.
Dr. J: Yes.
Une: But under the circumstances we can't afford such a high risk change.
Noin: Lets just go for the fail-safe cliche, the high school love comedy.
(School bell chimes)
Duo (In a mock gangster (yakuza) voice and dialect): Are you the transfer student, Heero Yuy?
Heero: Yes.
Duo: To pass before I, Duo-sama, the school bully, without a word or greeting, you are a brave one.
Heero: Yes. I am.
Duo: Should I throw a hard one into you as punishment...?
Heero: If you can.
Duo: Couldn't you just talk more? You're pissing me off!
Heero: Talk?
Duo: If you can, go ahead.
Heero: (Deep breath) I've been listening all this time with you going off and carrying on and what am I supposed to say now? Here you are all jealous just because you get half my votes in the (Gundam Wing character) popularity polls. If all you have is youth and energy you'll be limited in whatever you do. I however, have been brought up as an assassin and that means I'm gonna kick your ass and do it all over again because assassin has 'ass' in it twice...(Sally cuts in here with the lines shown below) I'll teach you that looks alone won't get you everywhere... with some physical education-(punching Duo) die you ultra-charismatic son of a bitch...
Sally: Um... this doesn't really come off as a love comedy... more like a schoolyard gang drama.
Noin: You don't say.
Une: But the problem isn't that.
Zechs: -This isn't good.-
Relena: It's not the plot that needs changing. That isn't my Heero out there.
Heero: ...know your role. ... Shut up. This is my own show. I'm the main character.
Noin: So we're keeping Heero as he is.
Une: But we are in a monotone and dangerous slump. Isn't there some radical new idea that can break the pattern?
Duo: Herehere! I've got just such a good idea!
Noin: What is it, Duo?
Duo: A sentai show!
All: A sentai show!?
Duo: Yeah! It already has a 40 year history, with a proud heritage in special effects. Doing a sentai show would be the best way to go!
Quatre: But nowadays only children and otaku watch them.
Duo: What are you, stupid? That's what I'm going after. In addition to the adults we'll have the little kiddies and it'd be a textbook example of killing two birds with one stone! Our popularity would double!
Noin: Huh!
Une: He has a point.
Duo: Luckily we do have five pilots, so everything's already set.
Quatre: Um, who's going to be the leader?
Trowa: Well of course the leader has to be the one wearing red, the color of justice.
Quatre and Duo (in unison): It can't be me?
Trowa: What are you talking about? It's always been that the red one's the leader; it's a law.
Duo: You can't be the leader! Get off it! Look at your big hair! Have you ever seen a leader with hair that big!? And you don't have the charisma for it!
Noin: I believe in this argument, Trowa has the upper hand. Ah, hell, let's just get on with it.
(Translator's note: A parody of the formulaic sentai genre, where there's always 5 people in different colors battling bad guys, e.g. Power Rangers)
An energetic Duo, semi-energetic Trowa, and expressionless Heero, Quatre and Wufei: Shin Kidousentai (as opposed to "kidousenki") Gundam Squad!
(cheesy explosions and Tallgeese's weaponry)
Noin: Treize Khushrenada is attacking the colonies! All members, scramble!
Trowa: Roger! Everyone! Let's go!
Heero, Quatre, Duo, and Wufei (unmotivated and uncoordinated): Roger.
(More cheesy sound effects)
Trowa: Halt! My Gundam is the color of Justice! Presenting the Mobile Suit Gundam Heavyarms!
Duo: Get out of my way, Trowa! (coughs) Ahem! My mobile suit is the black of death! From the Shinigami himself, presenting the Mobile Suit Gundam Deathscythe Hell!
His expressions clash with the vibrant colors of his mobile suit! Presenting the Mobile Suit Gundam Wing Zero!
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Duo: His mobile suit is the color of his boring, wussy-boy brain! Presenting the Mobile Suit Gundam Sandrock!
Quatre: I wish we didn't have to fight.
Duo: His mobile suit's colors are as subdued as his close-minded brain! Presenting the Mobile Suit Gundam Shenlong- er, Nataku- um, Altron Custom- what the hell is it called now, anyway?
Wufei: You are all weak.
Duo: Cutting a path through this- uh, formerly war-torn era, we're the Shin Kidousentai Gundam Squad! ...Ha! Hyper Jammer! (yet more cheesy sounds of battle) Twin Beam Scythe! (Boom, smash)
Noin: Oh no, Duo's hogging the show.
Une: How are the results of the research?
Quinze: Not good. The ratings haven't budged an inch.
Sally: No complaint phonecalls.
Dorothy: The fax is still silent.
Noin: In other words, nobody's watching.
Zechs: We'll have to do a re-take.
Dr. J: Mm.
Noin: I guess this means that people just aren't looking for another sentai show these days.
Une: I think we went wrong when we adopted an institution without making any changes of our own. We've learned our lesson.
Duo: (mumbling) Oh, what's wrong with it, as long as some people like it?
Noin: So our attempt at radical change failed, but if we don't change something we're finished.
Une: If we don't change something we'll just thin out and die away like a candle flame.
Quatre: What about taking in our viewers opinions and using them for ideas?
Trowa: A fabulous idea. Very good, Quatre.
Sally: So we'll be walking step by step with the trends of the times.
Duo: But if you spend all your time listening to the viewers you'll never make anything good.
Noin: We haven't a choice now. There's no worth to a product that doesn't sell.
Relena: (Papers rustling) Miss Noin, how about this?
Noin: Hmm? Let's see. (reading letter) "Why is it that although the Gundams are giant rmechas, they can't transform or combine? That's boring"!?
Duo: (Claps hands together) Of course!
Quinze: He has...
Sally: ...a point.
Dorothy: But how are we going to get them to transform all of a sudden?
Duo: I know! First, we have them get completely creamed once.
Wufei: Again? We already self-destructed them in Endless Waltz, remember?
Treize: A good head start. And then we have a few episodes where the boys lose their minds again, then introduce the change.
Une: I see, a fundamental overhaul of the mechas in the middle of the series... also known as the "power up"...
Noin: Didn't we already change the Gundams once?
Duo: That was nothing! All we did was change the innards and paint jobs a bit! We're talking something much bigger here.
Quatre: What's wrong with the Gundams we have now? Uh... well... -used- to have...
Duo: You never cease to amaze me with your ultradenseness. There's nothing as untrendy as a giant robot nowadays that can't even fly.
Heero: So I'm lucky, then.
Une: It doesn't even have enough weapons for us to be able to sell weapon sets independently of the toy suits.
Zechs: So we'll have the mobile suits transform and combine, and introduce new power-up parts.
Dr. J: I have no qualms.
Sally: Are all the units ready? The time has come for us to try the new transform/combine system. We're counting on you!
Duo: Leave it to us! You better be ready, guys.
Heero: Yes. Transforming Wing Zero. (Big transforming sounds)
Sally: Amazing! Zero One transformed from Japan's number one export, a sedan, to a jumbo jet!
Duo: TRAAAAANSFORMIIIIING! DEATHSCYTHE HELL!! (More big transformation sounds, along with the sound of a cross-country train)
Dorothy: Whoa, Deathscythe changed from the symbol of modern engineering, the Tokyo Tower, to an Eagle Bullet Train!!
Wufei: Uh, change... Altron Custom? (More sounds)
Noin: Yes! Shenlong... er, Altron... changed from the epitome of maritime technology, the oil tanker Idemitsu-maru, to a general purpose warship!
Quatre and Trowa (in unison): Morph. Sandrock/Heavyarms.
Relena: What's that supposed to be, anywa- ohh. Hey!! That's not appropriate!!!
Quatre (sighing): Goodbye, my Sandrock. Not to mention my pride.
Duo: Get ready to combine!!
Wufei, Trowa, Quatre and Heero: Roger.
G-boys: The five become one! Mobile Suit Gundam Uni Mega!! (More sounds)
Some commander: My god, the three units combined to form a giant robotic replica of Akebono, the sumo wrestler!
Duo: On top of this, depending on the order and method of combination, it can turn into the famous make-out spot, Rainbow Bridge, or one of the construction wonders of the world, the Kurion Dam, or even all 53.85 kilometers of the Seikan Tunnel!!
Noin: Like a phoenix from the ashes, the Gundams have been reborn as the embodiment of every toy manufacturer's fantasy!
Duo: Uni Mega, GO!! (sounds) Broadsword, giant slash! (mobile doll explosion sounds)
Une: So, how does the market research look?
Sally: Not good.
Une: What's wrong with this?
Noin: So issue here is the enemy, then.
Duo: Of course it is! Who are we gonna fight anyway? Peace was restored to the colonies and Earth in Endless Waltz!
Mariemaia: Are you referring to me?
Duo: Oh, you're still here? Why don't you just be the enemy again?
Mariemaia: I can't. Since I already saw Relena's reasoning in Endless Waltz, I have to stay that way unless I lose my mind as well and/or have a memory lapse.
Wufei: So now what? Hit you on the head?
Relena: In the story terms, that might start another world war.
Wufei: Precisely.
Noin: We haven't much time. Let's organize our situation.
Sally: One problem that's plagued us is that what the Earth Sphere Alliance, OZ, White Fang and Romefeller Foundation -were- was never really clear.
Dr. O: They were rather mysterious and nobody really got them, did they?
Dr. J: No. That would be our problem.
Noin: So our focus is to solve that somehow.
Duo: How about if we have them introduce themselves?
Ominous music
Scary Voice: I am from Mars, one of the "BlackGod"-ian race. Foolish humans; I shall kill you all with the Earth's main forces under my power!
Cheesy sci-fi space explosions
Duo: See! Now the enemy's identity, goals, and organization are clear as day!
Dorothy: Clear as polished glass.
Noin: So instead of using the word "control" as we've been doing, we should've just said "world domination", huh.
Duo: So all we have to do is introduce an second wave of mobile dolls and organizations from this guy.
Une: We keep the designs the same and just use a different color palette.
Another Scary Voice: I am no weakling BlackGod! I have come here from the Great Black Hole, via the White Hole express, and I am the SpaceBlackGod!!! Using the Anodromeda, Cassiopeia and Sagittarius mobile dolls under my command I shall kill you all!
some more sci-fi sounds
Duo: And so our story shifts locations to the -real- outer space!
An animator: The backgrounds will certainly be easier to draw that way.
Some animator: And instead of making new fight scenes we can just recycle shots. It'd save our production costs.
Noin: Nice, Duo!
Dr. H: Absolutely perfect.
Dr. J: Absolutely.
Une: I can think of only one other must-have ingredient for a series' longevity...
Noin: Animals, of course. Animals! We need mascot characters to contribute more.
Trowa: How about if the lion in my circus troupe learns to speak Japanese?
Heero: Good idea.
Noin: Alright then, let's have him perform some lines.
Lion: And about goddamn time too! Here I am, sitting beside you all through the whole meeting; how dare you ignore me up until just now!? The idiot animators never give me any good scenes except with Trowa the homo clown, nor do they even have the COURTESY to draw me with cuter features!
Une: Oh, god, Trowa stop him!
Trowa: Fine... (sounds of struggle, lion screams, loses ability to speak Japanese. Standard Peacemillion/Libra control room alarms and buzzers start going off.)
Zechs: We haven't any time left!
Noin: Lets wrap this up.
Sally: What else could we possibly add?
Quinze: Action, of course, action left and right, brain-numbing action is the...
Noin: As a woman I've gotta push the trendy drama series idea; It's got trendiness, and drama; how can any adult resist?
Heero: Feeling... regret...
Duo: Earth gets destroyed in the first new episode.
Dr. O: Develop old characters and introduce new ones.
Zechs: How about a serial mystery series?
Treize: We'll develop a static and detailed internal universe!
Duo: The Gundam Brothers!
Quatre: All of these still lack a certain grace.
Duo: I told you to shut up, homoboy!
Relena: We could center the story around the beautiful Sanc Kingdom.
Sally: Hmm... we need to set in on the Sanc beaches, if we want to appeal to the younger crowds.
Duo: And market the show with lots of bathing scenes?
Heero: Feeling... regret...
Dr. O: The meteoric rise and tragic fall of a university hospital surgeon with too much ambition.
Trieze: The show needs a sweaty dose of macho!
Duo: What it needs is song, singing, a musical! The vocalized pangs of the heart! (Proceeds to demonstrate with extemporaneous song.)
Sally: But all of these will take up far too much time and stacks of celluloid.
Une: That kind of service to the fans will ultimately ruin us.
(A brief moment of verbal chaos as the characters continue to spout the virtues of their ideas)
Trowa: This isn't good; we aren't approaching any conclusion.
Quinze: We might as well stop and take a vote here.
Dr. H: No; I don't think we even have time for that; especially if we mess up the counting.
Une: We have to bring it to the studio in less than a few minutes.
Noin: We need to slice this knot with a definitive decision.
Duo: I've got it! We'll do a "sound-only anime!"
All: "Sound-only anime"!?
Duo: Yeah. As soon as the show begins, there's a blackout. That way, the screen can be blank, we can use a black plastic sheet for the background, and we won't have to paint a single cel.
Noin: Huh! I see!
Duo: On top of that, if we have the actors make all the sound effects and sing the background music, we can take out the whole dubbing process, and get more salary to boot, three birds with one stone! If something's still vague, we'll spell it out in the narration.
Dr. O: We haven't much choice; what the hell, we'll do that.
Dr. J: Yes.
(The actors a capella a condensed version of the last episode, complete with Libra falling apart and Heero shooting it with the whole 'I will survive' bit before the "Just Communication" theme was sung out with techno sound effects. There's a kazoo in there somewhere too.)
Quatre: (in character) That's it! -Heero- is the heart of outer space! (Telephones ring.)
Sally: We're being flooded by complaints.
Dr. H: The fax machine's not spewing any praise either.
Relena: We're being overloaded, we can't handle this input!
Quinze: The ratings meter is lower than its ever been; in fact, the exact reading is off the meter!
Wufei: Argh...
Trowa: It's shameful.
Dr. O: We should introduce a new pilot; no, let's just cut it off.
Dr. J: Yes.
(Sound of us being unplugged.)
End
| Note from the b: Liked it? Don't worry about it. I didn't either. It was an idea I had right before I went to sleep and that should say something. But it -seemed- like a good idea at the time... man, if someone can write a better one (assuming anyone understood it at all), tell me and maybe you can give me a few pointers on writing -anything- funny. Just like cooking. |