Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

A/N: mablereid suggested I delve into the reasons prostitutes are so taken with Spencer Reid. This is the bit of pure silliness I came up with.

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"This is rovin' reporter Mary-Sue Ellen Clampett reportin' live from lovely downtown Podunk Hollow." She fiddled with her hair and moved herself more into position for the cameraman as she chomped on her Trident gum. "Well, there is no uptown Podunk Hollow. This is perty much it. I have taken on the task of findin' out the answer to the question that's on everbody's mind these days. Why do hookers find Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid of the FBI so attractive?"

"Since there's only one hooker in Podunk Hollow, an' she don't even know who Spencer Reid is, we decided to take our query further afield. First we went to Kansas City and talked to the hookers up there, roll that footage Roy."

"Well, he's just so damn cute, I mean that sweater vest and tie. I can tell you from experience, it's the quiet ones that…well, I'm sure you get my drift," the long haired brunette winked at the camera.

"He was right here in this apartment," said a middle aged woman in a stained housedress. "Very considerate young man; asked if I had someone to help me with the kids. I was kind of rude to him at the time but I was worried about my daughter. But I could see her entertaining his kind."

"Detective Magee of the Kansas City PD refused to comment. He said he had to tidy his desk," Clampett provided. "So we got on another plane to Vegas."

"I'm standin' here in the lobby of the Luxor," Clampett said loudly into her microphone, trying to be heard amid the pinging of the slot machines. "And with me is Charlene Dale," the pretty blonde smiled at the camera. "Now what is it that hookers find so attractive about Spencer Reid?"

"He's just so nice. He was very concerned about my health and my smoking but not in an in your face kind of way. He just kept pushing the buttons on the poker machine but those long fingers were really starting to push my buttons," she elbowed Mary-Sue Ellen in the ribs, "if you know what I mean. And he gave me, just gave me, $2000 which I was able to use for hypnosis that helped me quit smoking. So I have six minutes for each cigarette I would have smoked and I wouldn't mind spending quite a few of them with him."

"So with the new information we gathered we got on yet another plane that would get us to Washington and Quantico."

Mary-Sue Ellen was standing on the street with the wind blowing her hair. "I'm here with Crystal who works the Logan Circle area of our nation's capitol. Tell our viewers Crystal, why do hookers seem to adore Spencer Reid?"

"He's a hero. He saved a kid right before my eyes. But he's not a hero in the he-man kind of way, more quietly. And he's definitely not hard on the eyes."

"Finally we've reached the halls of Quantico. We did have a bit of trouble with security. Apparently Roy's on some kind of list. Section Chief Erin Strauss refused our request for an interview. We're right outside the BAU now and down the hall is comin' SSA David Rossi, author of a bunch of books I don't know the name of. This is so excitin'! SSA Rossi, please, a word for our viewers, why is Spencer Reid so popular with hookers?"

Rossi rushed past the group, "He gives them 2000 bucks what do you expect?"

"Okay, here comes SSA Derek Morgan. SSA Morgan, can you tell our viewers why SSA Dr. Reid is such a hit with hookers?"

"You're kiddin' me right," he waved his hand over the group which was deadpan. "This is for real. Oh man," he chuckled, "wait till he sees this. Well my answer would have to be that hookers have radar. They know when a guy's not gettin' any," he proceeded through the glass doors of the BAU.

The elevator pinged and JJ stepped off. "Agent Jareau, could you please comment for our audience on the reason hookers love Spencer Reid?"

"Ew, please…he's the godfather of my son." She started to push the door open and turned back slightly, "But seriously, have you seen the size of his feet," she said before entering the unit.

"How could anyone, hookers included, not love my sweet boy?" Penelope Garcia stated before the camera. "He's got this boyish innocence about him. He's just so cute."

"Although Unit Chief SSA Aaron Hotchner did admit to being with Agent Reid on the night in Kansas City, he refused to give any comment before our camera. Let's see if we can get a comment from SSA Emily Prentiss."

"What's not to like? He's great looking, beautiful eyes, those hands. Have you ever seen him in the purple scarf? Magic," her eyes seemed to glaze over, "he's magic. I mean he does magic, magic tricks." The news crew looked at her. "You're not thinking that I and…oh no, nothing like that has happened." They looked skeptical. "Okay, maybe I thought about it once…or twice. Alright, I think about it sometimes," she hurriedly pushed the door open to the unit.

"There you have it, a complete investigation that gave us some intriguin' answers as to what a hooker looks for in a man. Now stay tuned next week for our newest in depth investigation, when we'll try to find an answer to the age old question of who put the bop in the bop shoo bop. For this week, this is Mary-Sue Ellen Clampett, good night y'all."