Kishi in Fanficland
'This looks like Konoha. What the hell?'
Kishimoto looked around. It was definitely Konoha.
'Oh shit. Messing with the characters wasn't enough, apparently. Now someone put me in a fanfiction. Me! Damn writers!'
Not knowing what else to do, he just kept walking. He had no idea how a fanfiction could become real, and how the hell he had suddenly found himself in its weird world, but there he was in the forest near fucking Konoha!
'Wait a minute! Who's that over there? Inuyasha? Inuyasha in Konoha? WTF?'
Kishimoto shook his head. 'Ah, don't tell me it's a fucking crossover or something. Maybe I'm just seeing things. Great. Fucking great! Heh, Inuyasha. If he had to be paired with someone, I wonder who… No wait! I don't wanna know!'
Meanwhile, he had approached the gate. 'Well, since I'm here anyway, I might enter and see how things are going. I wonder if these people have any idea who I am.'
He went through the gate, and then he heard Kotetsu yell at him.
"Stop right there! Who are you?"
Kishimoto gave him an annoyed glare. "You don't know? You mean you really don't know?"
Kotetsu scratched his head, then he gave Izumo a questioning look, Izumo shrugged and Kotetsu looked back at Kishimoto.
"Uh… nope."
"Great. Now what the heck am I supposed to say?"
Kotetsu and Izumo looked at each other again, then Izumo said "Listen, dude, you don't wanna say who you are and what you're doing here, so we're taking you to the hokage. She'll decide what to do with you."
"Aah, Tsunade."
Kotetsu narrowed his eyes. "You know the hokage?"
Kishimoto smiled proudly. "Sure I know her. Looks great, doesn't she?"
Izumo and Kotetsu blushed. Kishimoto went on. "Yeah, every perfect line you see, I did it. Everything was done by me."
Izumo and Kotetsu's jaws dropped.
"What are you saying, man? You're doing the hokage?" They blushed more.
"Yes! Er… Wait a minute! Doing her? No! Eh… I wish, though."
…
Shizune was staring at him in confusion. Tsunade was giving him a scrutinizing look. She sighed.
"So, what was your name again?"
"Kishimoto! Masashi Kishimoto!"
Tsunade glared at Shizune. "Well?"
"I'm sorry, Tsunade-sama, we have absolutely no information about this guy."
Tsunade leaned forward to give Kishimoto a closer look.
"So, Kishi, what are you doing here?"
"You tell me! I'm in a damn fanfiction!"
Tsunade slammed her fist on the desk. "Interrogation! Fucking now!"
…
Interrogation. This didn't sound good. Not at all. No, in fanfiction this kind of things never sounded good.
Kishimoto was taken to a small room where Ibiki Morino and two other ninja awaited him.
Interrogation. Kishimoto felt cold sweat trickle down his face. This was a fanfiction, after all. Something written by a deranged fangirl. Through his mind flashed images of Ibiki wearing a weird leather costume, holding a whip and preparing variety of sex toys.
Ibiki glared at shivering and pale like a ghost Kishimoto.
"So, who are you and what…"
Kishimoto yelled hysterically "No! Please don't fuck me!"
The other two blushed and gave confused and questioning looks to Ibiki who looked back at them cluelessly, and then all three of them stared at Kishimoto completely stunned.
"I'll tell everything!" Kishimoto was out of breath. "Everything! I swear!"
…
Ibiki made some sort of apologizing face.
"I can do nothing more, he's telling the same crap over and over again."
Tsunade growled in annoyance and glared at the pitiful, tied up to a chair Kishimoto.
"A mangaka? An anime? He sounds quite deranged. However, he seems to know too much about our village. We should find out how the hell he got this information. And he seems to know quite a lot about the other hidden villages too. So, he might be useful for us. We'll let him stay here. He seems pretty harmless, so we won't keep him in prison, but I want someone to guard him. People will take turns. For now, he'll stay with Kakashi.
…
Kakashi and Kishimoto stared at each other in awkward silence.
"You know, Kishi, this is sort of interesting, but I don't think I understand this anime thing you're talking about, besides, I'm busy reading." Kakashi stuck his nose in his book again.
After being completely ignored for fifteen minutes, Kishimoto got bored. He moved closer to Kakashi and started reading over his shoulder. After a page or so, his face had turned bright red.
'When I said these books were perverted, I didn't mean this! Who the heck is that fanfic writer who decided to turn the Icha Icha into hardcore yaoi porn?! Eh, not that I complain. Though, it's a bit awkward to read this together with Kakashi.'
…
Sakura was furious. She was striding back and forth in the narrow space of her room, and from time to time she gave angry glares to confused Kishimoto.
"I can't believe Kakashi did this to me! How dare he say 'watch over him for ten minutes cause I need to do something, I'll be right back' and then dump this weirdo here for hours!"
Kishimoto was getting nervous.
"Everything I told you is true! This is a manga. I made it! Aha! Now I'll prove it. You see, I know everything about you."
She stopped pacing. "What?"
"Now I'll tell you. You wanna fu-… Er, well, you like Sasuke."
"Oh, come on, who doesn't? That's not some sort of secret information."
Kishimoto strained his brain.
"In episode three of the anime…"
She lifted her brow. "Anime? Episode?"
"Uh, forget it. Well, when Sasuke and Naruto kissed, you only pretended to be angry, in fact you were almost having a nosebleed."
Her face turned red. "How did you… Why do you know…"
Kishimoto's eyes lit up. "Yeah, that was supposed to be in the manga, but the editors decided to cut it because they thought showing little girls getting off while watching some gay stuff would be too… Hey, wait!"
Her fist was flying towards his face.
"Shannaro!"
…
Sakura was banging on Naruto's door.
"Wake up, you moron!"
The door finally opened and Naruto's sleepy face appeared. "Ah, Sakura-chan, what is it?"
She pushed him aside and dragged Kishimoto in the room.
"This," she pointed at Kishimoto, giving him a hateful glare, "will stay with you for a while. Kakashi was supposed to look after it, but he tricked me and now I can't get rid of this problem!"
Before Naruto could react, she had left.
…
They were sitting at the table, Naruto's eyes still widened after an hour of complicated explanations that had to be repeated three times until he stopped saying "I don't get it."
Naruto kept his amazed look for another minute, then he grinned.
"Wow, man, a manga, huh? I totally believe you! Not that I really understand it, but I believe you!"
Kishimoto sighed with relief.
"So…" Naruto giggled and got a bit closer to Kishimoto. "If we are your characters… And you know everything about us… I was wondering…" He blushed. "Er… You know… I was always wondering… What Sasuke looks like naked? I mean… completely naked. Hehe, you know, his… um… his… well, you know."
Kishimoto stopped munching his ramen for a moment and stared at Naruto's curious and embarrassed face.
"Oh well, I should have seen this coming." He sighed. "Give me a pen and paper."
A few minutes later Naruto was holding the precious piece of paper in his shaking hand, blushing and nosebleeding.
"Awesome! Draw some more!"
After an hour of drawing, Kishimoto yawned and placed the pen on the table. "I think that's enough. Besides, it seems you can't take any more."
Naruto had collapsed under the table, twitching, his nose bleeding profusely. All over the table were scattered sheets of paper with drawings of naked Sasuke and Naruto in various provocative positions.
…
Tsunade slammed her fist on the desk.
"What did you do to Uzumaki to bring him into this condition?"
Kishimoto shrugged and handed her a piece of paper. She looked at it and yelped, and a streak of drool appeared at the corner of her lips. Then she forced herself to make a serious face.
"I see. Do you have any other drawings of Sasuke Uchiha?"
Kishimoto silently gave her a whole pile of paper. She took it with trembling fingers and greedily shoved it in one of the drawers of her desk. Then she cleared her throat.
"Er… Considering the effect these things had on Uzumaki, I think they're dangerous, therefore I'll confiscate them in order to keep them for myself… I mean to keep them away from any other potential victims, and to drool over… I mean to watch over the safety of Konoha people, because these pictures are too hot… uh! I mean too inappropriate. Oh well, you know what I mean."
Kishimoto smirked. "Yeah, yeah, I know…"
…
Kishimoto was at Naruto's place again.
He felt almost claustrophobic, surrounded by Kiba, Shikamaru, Chouji, Rock Lee, Shino and Naruto. Naruto had thought it was wise to share with some friends the miracle that had happened.
"Oh yeah!" Kiba was drooling, staring at the freshly drawn picture. "And now draw Hinata with high heels, a whip, and…"
"No, no, now draw Sakura-chan in a perverted nurse outfit!" Rock Lee interrupted him.
"And I want you to draw a cake. A chocolate…"
"Shut up, Chouji!" everyone yelled.
"Guys, wait a minute!" Shikamaru was trying to attract their attention. "There's no logic in his story! How could he be here and talk to us, if this world was created by him! The fanfiction bullshit doesn't explain anything too, cause if he's in a fanfiction, he's not supposed to…"
"Who cares!" Kiba yelled. "Now draw Hinata…"
"No, draw Tsunade!" Naruto was euphoric.
"Hey, is anybody listening to what I'm saying? How could he suddenly find himself in a fanfiction, like going to a parallel world or something, and then…" Shikamaru's attempts were hopeless.
Kiba slammed a new blank piece of paper in front of Kishimoto. "Oh yeah, Uzumaki was right. Draw Tsunade!"
"But there's no logic at all! This is completely insane…" Shikamaru shut up when Kiba wrapped an arm around his shoulders and glared at him.
"Listen, Shika, here's some logic for you. The guy draws cool boobies. Big and shapely. Everyone likes boobies. Now you shut up, so the guy can draw boobies in peace. Then the guy draws more boobies. Everyone's happy. Got it?"
In a few minutes they were staring at a pic of Tsunade being banged from behind by Orochimaru.
"Cool!" Kiba was wiping the blood from his nose.
"OMG!" a cry of surprise came from behind their backs.
Everyone turned around and saw Shino twitching on the floor with a nosebleed, holding one of the pictures of naked Sasuke. Apart from those taken by Tsunade, there were still tons of them, due to Naruto's insatiable obsession with this particular kind of drawings.
Sakura, Hinata and Tsunade were forgotten immediately, and poor Kishimoto found himself forced to draw more and more Sasuke pervi pics.
…
Kishimoto stood in the middle of the room, shifting restlessly, Tenten and Hinata staring at him. He had no idea what to say.
After Kiba, Naruto and the rest had fainted from too much nosebleeding, Kishimoto was sent to stay at the Hyuuga house. Izumo and Kotetsu had delivered him there, giving Hinata a scarce explanation of the situation and Tsunade's orders. And now she and Tenten, who had come by to visit her and Neji, just didn't know what to do with him.
Kishimoto noticed that Hinata's look moved away from his face, went lower and lower and stopped at a certain area. She whispered something to Tenten, then she fixed her eyes on the same spot again. Tenten giggled.
It suddenly hit him. The byakugan! She could see through anything. He yelped and covered his crotch with his hands, blushing. Things were getting worse and worse.
"Who is this guy? Is this your new boyfriend, Hinata? Hm, interesting." It was Neji's voice.
Kishimoto turned his head and saw that Neji had appeared behind him. Neji was behind him. Suddenly, this sentence had a whole new meaning and significance. Kishimoto followed Neji's look and realized with horror at what part of his body Neji was looking. He yelped again and grabbed some random magazine from a nearby table. He tried to cover his butt with it, then he realized this was completely pointless, since they could see through the magazine as well. Blushing brightly, he practically ran to the closest sofa and threw himself on it. He sat there, his legs crossed, his hands covering his crotch. The situation was getting more and more awkward by the minute.
And then, as if the awkwardness wasn't enough already, a naked Inuyasha peeped through the door and waved at Neji. Hinata and Tenten fixed on him hungry glares.
"Come back to bed, Neji."
"In a minute."
Inuyasha disappeared.
'Ah, so he's paired with Neji. I wonder if Sasuke and Ita… Damn, I started to think like a fangirl!' Kishimoto wiped the sweat from his forehead. This was insane. He had no idea how the hell he had found himself in the anime world, and on top of that in a fanfiction.
Neji and Hinata were still staring at him, and he was wondering what to say, when naked Inuyasha appeared at the door again and said exactly the same thing as before, Neji giving him the same answer.
Kishimoto froze. 'What the hell? Déjà vu? Oh wait. So, the fanfiction is like The Matrix! Déjà vu is a glitch in the fanfiction when they're changing something!'
Kishimoto started shivering. In a fanfiction anything could happen. He looked around sheepishly, expecting some dreadful event or a dramatic change in the scenery, or agent Smith suddenly coming out of nowhere.
Nothing happened for a while, and then another naked white-haired figure appeared at the door, Hinata and Tenten staring and drooling. But it was not Inuyasha, this time it was Sesshomaru.
Kishimoto sighed with relief. So they changed just the pairing. Sesshomaru grabbed Neji in a crushing embrace and pressed their lips together, then shoved his tongue in Neji's throat. Then he dragged him through the door, probably towards the bedroom.
Hinata and Tenten were both having nosebleeds. Kishimoto shifted restlessly and coughed.
As Neji and Sesshomaru were leaving, in the room entered Hiashi Hyuuga. He passed by the happy couple on his way in and Sesshomaru waved at him. Hiashi waved back and said "Hi, Fluffy." Then he gave Kishimoto a disapproving look.
"Who is this, Hinata? I told you that you're not allowed to have a boyfriend yet. You're too young!"
"It's not fair! You have no problem with Neji's boyfriend!" Hinata glared defiantly at Hiashi. "You can't stop me. If I want it, I'll go on a date with…" She looked at Kishimoto. "Er… What was your name again?"
"B-but I'm not…" Kishimoto tried to explain.
Hiashi was mad. "You better stay away from my daughter, or I'll fucking kill you! And how dare you touch yourself in front of her!"
Kishimoto realized he still had his hands on his crotch in a desperate attempt to protect himself from the power of byakugan. He knew he couldn't give a proper explanation for that, so he prepared to be hit with the 64 strikes, or some other dreadful jutsu.
'Oh crap, now he'll kill me! I wish I could do something. Hey, maybe in this fanfiction I can do some jutsu.' Kishimoto tried some of the hand signs, but it didn't work. 'Damn it! I'm in my own anime and I can't make even one jutsu! It's not fair!'
Kishimoto nearly freaked out when Hinata's form blurred and in her place appeared the silhouette of someone wearing a black suit and sunglasses.
"I knew it!" he yelped. "Agent Smith!"
The image got clearer and Kishimoto could see that it was a girl.
"Um… no. I'm the author. But just like agent Smith I can appear wherever and whenever I want in the fic, taking anybody's place. I'm here because you requested a jutsu. You will have only one jutsu that you can do. Now watch carefully."
She slowly showed him how to make a few hand signs and he did his best to remember them.
"So, what is this jutsu and what can I do with it?"
The author smiled broadly. "This is 'pants removing no jutsu'. When you do it, the pants and the underwear of your enemy will disappear."
Kishimoto whined in despair "This is ridiculous! What can I do with it in battle?"
The author shrugged. "Practically nothing. But it increases the chances for yaoi!" Then her figure transformed into Hinata again.
Kishimoto was ready to hit his head in the wall, but then a panicked Kotetsu rushed through the door.
"Where's Kishimoto? Ah, there he is! Quickly! Come with me! The Hokage needs you. Akatsuki are attacking Konoha, and since you seem to know quite a lot about everything here, she hopes that you might be able to provide useful information about Akatsuki and help in the battle."
…
Everything was black. And then Kishimoto started regaining consciousness.
'I'm waking up. A dream! Everything was just a bad dream!' He opened his eyes. 'Oh noes!' He was in Akatsuki's hideout. So it wasn't a dream and he was still stuck in the damn fanfiction. The last thing he could remember was Kisame hitting him on the head with Samehada.
He looked around and realized that all the Akatsuki members were surrounding him.
Finally Pain spoke.
"We heard rumors that in Konoha there was someone who had incredible amount of information about all the countries and all the hidden villages. Such a precious thing should be in our possession. That's why you're here. You better tell us everything we want to know, and how you got this information, to begin with."
Kishimoto didn't know what else to do, so he just told them the truth. It didn't take long to make Pain furious.
"What is this bullshit? You think we are morons, or something? Stop mumbling about manga and anime and how you created everything! I don't wanna hear any more of this crap!"
Hidan grinned. "Let me torture the damn fucker, and he'll spill everything."
Kishimoto was in despair. All he had was one useless jutsu. However, in his panic he instinctively made the hand signs.
Seemingly, nothing happened. They had their cloaks on, after all. There was an awkward silence for a while.
Finally Deidara mumbled "I don't know about you, guys, but I have the weird feeling that my panties… er… I mean my pants are suddenly gone."
Pain shook his head in confusion. "Yeah, same here."
Tobi shrugged and giggled "Tobi had no pants anyway."
Everyone gave Tobi weird looks, but said nothing. Then all of them stuck their gaze on Kishimoto.
Suddenly, Kishimoto felt very uncomfortable. He wasn't stupid. He had read fanfiction, and he knew very well what happened to people when they found themselves alone with Akatsuki. Akatsuki with no pants, on top of that. One word came to his mind. Gangbang.
Kishimoto felt the panic grip him. He knew what most fanfics consisted of. From the beginning of his ridiculous adventure, there was one question that quietly rotted his mind. Who was he going to be paired with? He had the sick feeling that in this fanfiction he was some sort of a main character, which meant that sooner or later he was going to be involved in some yaoi. But he hadn't expected this! He had to come up with something. Quickly!
Pain looked at him coldly and said. "First I'll beat the crap out of him, and then everyone can do to him whatever they want."
Kishimoto did his best to regain his composure and smiled boldly.
"Take it easy, Nagato."
Pain froze. A few heads turned toward him.
"Nagato?"
"Ahahaha, now everyone knows!" Tobi was shaking in laughter, pointing at Pain.
Kishimoto looked at Tobi.
"What's so funny, Madara?"
It was Tobi's turn to freeze in horror. Some of the others stared at him intently. There was pure horror on Deidara's face.
"Madara?" Deidara stuck his gaze on Tobi, his eyes like saucers.
"Yes. Madara." Kishimoto said, smiling triumphantly. "Or should I tell them the whole truth, Tobi? That, in fact, you are…"
"No, no, no, no, we don't need any spoilers here, really, let the poor people be surprised when the right time comes, e-he-he, you know." Tobi patted Kishimoto's shoulder like they were old friends and Kishimoto just gave him a condescending look.
"Damn it!" Hidan hissed, and handed some money to Kakuzu. "You win."
Kakuzu chuckled. "See? I told you it wasn't Obito."
Kishimoto and Tobi just exchanged looks and Kishimoto remained silent.
Then everyone started asking questions, Deidara was hitting his head in the wall, Kakuzu was too busy counting his money, Itachi was quite intrigued by the fact that no one had pants on, and Sasori was slapping Itachi's hand as Itachi was trying to peep under his cloak. Pain and Tobi were wondering how to get out of the awkward situation. In one word, the whole thing turned into chaos and Kishimoto managed to sneak away unnoticed.
He tiptoed through the door, and when he finally found himself outside, he bumped into Kisame who had lost interest somewhere in the middle of Kishimoto's story about the manga thing and had gone out.
Kisame gave Kishimoto a sad look. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Um… well… I…"
"Whatever. Sit here and let's have a chat."
Kishimoto glared at him with suspicion as Kisame patted the spot next to him, then sighed and sat on the ground.
"Now listen, I think what you said about the manga is a total bullshit. I don't believe you, but if this was indeed a story created by someone, why the hell would that person want to make me blue?"
Kishimoto looked at the ground guiltily. Then he couldn't hold a smile.
"I bet Itachi gets all the girls."
Kisame gave him a desperate look. "What girls, dude? All he's interested in is that old photo of his little brother. He keeps it in the inner pocket of his cloak and constantly takes it out to drool over it. It's so old, lame and wrinkled, covered with all kinds of stains, but he insists on keeping it."
Kishimoto wasn't sure he wanted to hear more of Kisame's revelations, but he had no choice. 'I knew it,' he thought, 'here we go with the incestuous stuff.' He had been sure something like this would happen, but the last thing he had expected was to talk about smut with Kisame of all people.
"He can stare at it for hours. And on top of that, he has the bad habit of doing this when we're on the way to a mission. He holds the photo, patting its surface with his fingertips and whispering some dirty things I don't even want to hear. And then he says 'Wait a sec, Kisame', and he disappears in the nearest bushes. And I'm waiting, and I hear all these wrong noises, and I'm like 'Damn it, Itachi, get out of the bushes already! We'll be late!' And he mutters 'Just wait a… little… aaah… longer… I'm almost… done'. Can you imagine this?"
Kishimoto caught himself imagining a quite detailed picture of Itachi in the bushes, pants down, holding the picture in one hand and… Kishimoto blushed at the image of what the other hand was doing. Kisame went on.
"And then he finally appears, holding the damn photo with his sticky fingers, and having that damn satisfied smirk on his face. It's so disturbing! I'm surrounded with weirdoes! I hate my life!"
Kisame burst out in tears and Kishimoto patted his shoulder sympathetically. Then Kisame got up and went away to sob somewhere all by himself. Kishimoto was just about to run away when the rest of Akatsuki rushed through the door and surrounded him.
"Did you really think you can get away so easily?" Pain yelled.
Poor Kishimoto once again cursed his miserable fate. However, he decided to be a brave Kishi and not to let himself be caught again. He thought for a moment and then he did the only thing that was going to work in this situation.
Kishimoto took a deep breath, then he made a horrified expression, he pointed somewhere to the side and yelled with all his might "OMG! Look! Kisame is naked!"
Then all the Akatsuki members did the only reasonable thing that could be done. Not even looking in the direction Kishimoto was pointing at, they screamed, squeezed their eyes shut, threw themselves on the ground face down, and covered their heads with their hands, Pain yelling "Holy crap! Get dressed, Kisame!"
Kishimoto ran like mad and soon disappeared in the forest.
…
Trees and more trees. Kishimoto was getting tired already. The forest seemed to have no end. Then he heard voices and rushed in the direction they were coming form. To his utmost surprise, what he saw was Orochimaru, Kabuto and L Lawliet sitting at a table. A fucking table in the middle of the damn forest! There was definitely something wrong, Kishimoto could tell. However, it was too late, they saw him.
Orochimaru grinned broadly at Kishimoto and invited him to join them. Kishimoto felt suspicious as hell, but was too tired, so he heavily dropped in a chair. All over the table there were teapots, teacups, and plates with cake and pastry.
Kishimoto gave everyone a scrutinizing look. Something was wrong, Orochimaru was not supposed to act like this.
One more time Kishimoto remembered that this was a fanfiction, and a quite insane one on top of that, so everything was possible. He looked at them again. Orochimaru was wearing a quite eccentric top hat.
'Someone here is making Alice in Wonderland references. Either this, or Oro is cosplaying as Tyki Mikk,' Kishimoto thought, assuming the first statement was the true one. Well, Orochimaru was mad indeed, but this hat…
"So, Oro, what's going on here?"
Orochimaru smiled to him again. "We're tired of inventing evil jutsu and we're having a break, dear, a tea party. Even evil people need some rest."
"Yeah!" Kabuto laughed hysterically, his hand shaking and his tea spilling all over him.
"Want some tea?" Kabuto yelled and gave Kishimoto a questioning look, then he poured some tea in a cup and handed it to him, but as he was doing this he shook in laughter again and splashed most of the tea in Kishimoto's face. He filled his cup again, but continued to laugh madly and knocked the cup off the table. Orochimaru sighed and poured Kishimoto some tea. Kishimoto looked at it suspiciously, but drank it. He was thirsty, after all.
Kabuto just couldn't stop laughing and Kishimoto gave Orochimaru a questioning look. "Someone's having too much sugar lately?"
Orochimaru just shrugged. "I look away for a minute, and then when I look back, the sugar bowl is empty. He's completely out of control!" Orochimaru shook his head sadly.
L was silently eating cake. Kishimoto had seen "Death note" and could recognize him, even though most of L's face was covered in chocolate. Kabuto kept laughing, knocking cups and pots off the table. From time to time the table shook violently, probably due to Kabuto's reckless activity and wild laughter, but Kishimoto couldn't help but imagine Light Yagami hidden under the table and giving L a blowjob. This was a fanfiction, after all, such things were to be expected. He even peeped carefully under the table, but found nothing there.
"So, what's he doing here?" Kishimoto pointed at L. He was getting annoyed at the way the author was randomly shoving in the fic characters from other anime.
Orochimaru shrugged. "I have no idea, we've never seen him before, he just came out of nowhere. It seems he was attracted by the cake." Then he giggled. "You know, Kabuto, we need to go on vacation."
Kabuto jumped from his seat, splashing tea everywhere around. "Vacation? Yeah! We should go to Wonderland! I hear they have cake that makes you bigger!" He winked and rubbed his crotch suggestively.
"Cake?" L perked up.
"No, you idiot!" Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Their cake merely makes you taller, it does not make 'something' grow! Besides, we should go to Neverland! There they have little boys who never grow up, mmmm." He licked his lips.
Kishimoto felt dizzy. This was too much. He felt as if he was going crazy too.
He almost freaked out when right next to him appeared a cloud of smoke that slowly started to take some form. He expected to see the damn smiling cat, but when the image cleared, he could see that it was a miniature version of Kyuubi grinning at him. Kishimoto blinked a few times. No, this wasn't happening to him. It just couldn't. He was going crazy. A smoky Kyuubi was giving him a cheshire grin.
"What was in the tea, Oro? LSD?"
Orochimaru shrugged.
Kishimoto muttered "At least I didn't find Light Yagami under the table."
"Oh, he was there, but he's gone now." Orochimaru smiled innocently. "I wonder what was that white sticky thing splashed on his face when he left. And while he was under the table, poor L was moaning so loud… Kabuto and I were wondering if he was having a stomach ache. After all, he ate so much cake…"
Kishimoto finally lost it. He glared at L. "Do you have any idea what the hell are you doing here?"
L stopped munching and looked at him, then he glanced at Kabuto and Orochimaru. "Yeah. Having a tea party with Harry Potter and Pedo Bear. Something wrong?"
Kishimoto slammed his fist on the table. "That's it! I'm out of here!"
He got up from the table and quickly disappeared among the trees.
…
Kishimoto was wandering in the forest again when he felt a heavy punch on his head. Right before he lost consciousness he thought 'Oh shit, now don't tell me it's Akatsuki again!'
Some time later he woke up. When he opened his eyes, he saw Karin's face. She grunted. "I don't like his chakra!"
"Nobody's asking you," Suigetsu teased her. They lifted him from the ground and dragged him to another room. There Kishimoto saw Sasuke sitting at a desk. At the sight of this particular character, Kishimoto felt something tremble in his heart, though he wasn't sure what exactly it was.
Sasuke gave him his signature cold glare.
'Yeah, yeah,' Kishimoto thought, 'you can glare all you want, but everyone knows you're just dying for a nice brotherly hug from Itachi. Well… maybe not as brotherly as it's supposed to be… Oh man, what am I thinking!'
"Is that him?" Sasuke's severe voice cut the silence.
"Uh-huh." Suigetsu scratched his head, thinking that Sasuke must have lost his mind. Not that he was in his right mind anyway…
"Leave us." Another cold command from Sasuke made Suigetsu and Karin rush out of the room.
"Is it true that this world is in fact your manga? Lately I hear such things."
Kishimoto nodded. In this moment a wrinkled piece of paper fell out of his pocket. Sasuke picked it up and looked at the drawing. He studied it for a minute, then he couldn't hold a contented smile and he said "Man, I look hot naked. You drew this?"
Kishimoto blushed a little and nodded again.
Sasuke managed to keep his composure for another minute, then his eyes glazed and his cold expression suddenly melted into the eager face of a kid that had just seen candy.
"Draw Itachi like this!"
Kishimoto sighed. "Yeah, yeah, these things don't surprise me any more. You got some paper?"
Sasuke gave him paper and copic markers. Apparently, he was well prepared. When the picture was ready, he took it and marveled at it for a while, drool gathering in his mouth.
"And now draw me and Itachi…" He leaned to Kishimoto and whispered something in his ear.
Kishimoto lifted his brow. "Wow, now that's a weird position. You read Kama Sutra or something?"
The second picture was ready, and this time it seemed to be too much for Sasuke. His hand trembled as he clutched the piece of paper tightly. He looked at Kishimoto with embarrassment.
"Uh… excuse me for a minute. I'll be right back."
Sasuke rushed out of the room. Kishimoto was left alone for a while, but he could hear moaning coming from behind the closed door. Then Sasuke came back, looking much more relaxed, a happy grin of satisfaction on his face. He sat back at the desk, still holding the picture. Stains were visible on the paper, and when Sasuke saw them, he quickly hid the picture behind his back. Then he noticed sticky traces on his other hand. He hurriedly wiped it and looked nervously at Kishimoto.
Kishimoto just gave him a knowing smile.
Sasuke managed to make a straight face again and decided it was time for them to get down to business.
"So, this is your manga, or anime, or whatever, right?"
Kishimoto nodded.
"Then I want you to change the plot! Now listen how things should be. First of all, Itachi leaves Akatsuki."
Kishimoto tried to say something, but Sasuke didn't let him.
"Pshht. Listen! So, he leaves Akatsuki and he comes here to find me. He buys two tickets for a flight to Hawaii, we get on the plane…"
"What? Plane?" Kishimoto blinked a few times, then he remembered this was a fanfiction.
"Yeah… Listen! Then we get to Hawaii. Oh, and you must make us incredibly rich. And then we buy a fancy house and lie on the beach and live happily ever after!"
Kishimoto shook his head. "Sasuke, I'm afraid this can't happen, besides, this here is a fanfiction and it's not under my control. If the author decides to…"
He shut up as he saw naked Inuyasha run across the room. Then in a few seconds the naked Inuyasha did exactly the same thing.
Kishimoto got a sick feeling in his stomach. 'The déjà vu! The glitch in the fanfiction. They're changing something!'
Everything blurred, the shapes of the objects started to fall apart and in a few seconds the surroundings changed completely. Kishimoto wasn't in the room anymore. He was on a beach, the sea was bright blue and the sun was warming his skin. He was sitting on a beach chair and… Holy crap, he felt like he was wearing a… Thong! Now if that was the author's idea of a swimming suite…
He saw Itachi and Sasuke sitting on two beach chairs right next to him, so that he was between the two of them. They were wearing thongs too. Nice.
Kishimoto gave Sasuke a questioning look.
"I don't get it! You wanted to be here with Itachi. Apparently, the author granted your wish… But I still don't understand what am I doing here? You didn't say you wanted me on the beach with the two of you!"
Sasuke just shrugged. "Nope. I didn't."
"I did!" Itachi grinned at Kishimoto and winked suggestively.
Sasuke shrugged again. "If you want a threesome, nii-san, I'm ok with it."
Kishimoto felt his face heat up and turn bright red. And the most dreadful thing was that he wasn't sure how he felt about this turn of events. He wasn't sure which feeling was stronger, the horror, or the weird and unexpected euphoria.
Kishimoto looked around and estimated the situation. Alone. On a beach. With Itachi and Sasuke wearing skimpy thongs. He let his gaze linger… Itachi and Sasuke. In thongs. Kishimoto smirked. Well, being in a fanfiction wasn't so bad, after all.
He sighed. So, now it was clear what the main pairing (actually threesome) was. Kishimoto was relieved. Then, in the middle of his happy grin, he suddenly froze. Only one question was left unanswered. The top/bottom matter.
Just one evil perverted glare from Itachi was enough to give him the unmistakable answer. Kishimoto looked at Itachi's vicious grin, then he looked lower… Itachi was evil, indeed, and he was… big. Kishimoto swallowed hard. That 'thing' was just too big. He started sweating, his face getting even redder. 'I should have seen this coming!'
He looked around sheepishly.
"Um, guys? Was any of you wise enough to bring here some lube?"
The end
… … …
Author's comment
Hehe, I leave the rest to your imagination. I didn't intend to write anything graphic about Kishimoto, just a funny story. Some time ago a friend was wondering what if someone tried to explain to the characters who Kishimoto is. So I couldn't resist the inspiration…
And do you remember the cat in The Matrix that appeared twice and they explained to Neo about the déjà vu and the glitch? Well, here instead of a cat you get a naked Inuyasha. That's better, isn't it? And now just imagine a naked Inuyasha run in front of Neo… twice. Oh well, no need to follow that odd train of thought. Though I'm sort of stuck on it. You remember how they asked Neo what's wrong and he said something like "Oh, I just got a déjà vu." In the case with the naked Inuyasha it could be "Oh, I just got a hard-on." Like I said, you better abandon this train of thought before agent Smith turns into a yaoi fan.
Ah, disclaimer time. I don't own the characters. And I… do own Kishimoto, he's tied up naked in my basement! Oh, well, I lied, he's not there… yet. So, I also have nothing to do with Death Note, Inuyasha, The Matrix and Alice in Wonderland.