I don't know what this is I was listening to sad songs oops

you don't know what you got until it's gone

GIRL AT HOME

I was angry when some asshole cut me off at the intersection, I was upset when I ripped my brand new dress, I was sad when my goldfish died- I was disappointed to learn Soda had cheated on me.

He was good with girls, he hung around plenty. I knew that, I wasn't oblivious. He just didn't seem the cheating type. Not since he had been played a fool by Sandy; he knew how much it hurt.

A drunken Steve had told me the news without realizing, about two hours ago. He's just drunk, I tried to convince myself. But I couldn't let it go, so here I was, standing in front of Sodapop, waiting for his answer. I didn't really need an answer, his silence was as good as any words he could say.

"I'm sorry."

I nodded, trying to take it in that my boyfriend of almost two years had been fooling around with someone else. I didn't want to cry in front of him so I didn't meet his eyes. I doubted he wanted to meet mine either, if he had any shame.

"With who?" Was all I could think of.

He shoved his hands in his jean pockets and looked the other way.

"With who?" I repeated, getting impatient.

"Sandy," he mumbled, almost small enough that I wouldn't be able to hear it. I had heard it and it made my stomach churn.

"Sandy." I said again, just to confirm I had heard it right. The name felt sickly coming from my mouth.

Soda nodded his head; his eyes were watery. I was still managing to keep the tears at bay. I couldn't cry in front of him, I was too proud.

"You cheated on me with a girl who got knocked up by someone else. A girl who didn't want you."

I took a moment to calm myself down. I knew Pony was asleep and knew he had an important track meet the next morning; I didn't want my yelling to wake him up.

"You used to tell me you were stupid all the time," my words were venom and something told me I was going too far. I couldn't stop myself. "I never believed it. But it turns out, you are."

His face looked like I had just slapped at him. Soda's biggest insecurity was his smarts, he believed he had none. Guilt started to pick at my insides but I wouldn't take it back.

"Viv- it didn't mean a thing."

I laughed but it didn't hold an ounce of humor. "Maybe I could get over this if it was just some chick you hooked up with at Bucks. This was Sandy. You loved Sandy."

"You didn't leave Sandy, she left you."

He was quiet. I hated it. He wasn't supposed to be quiet- he had never been quiet a day in his life, choosing to be so now wasn't right. It made me anxious.

"Sandy left me, that hurt. I thought she was all I ever wanted," he was breathing hard. "I saw her last week. She said she missed me- I had a glimpse of what I used to want, only to realize I didn't want that anymore. I want you."

I scoffed. "You've got a funny way of showin' it, Soda."

He was flustered, running his hands through his hair. "It's like when you think about things you liked as a kid- say a certain movie. Then you go back and watch that movie and you realize it was actually horrible. That the ones you watch now are way better."

"You don't watch movies." I muttered quietly, not daring to tip my head up to him.

"Goddamnit, Viv. Stop and just listen," he said loudly. "I made a mistake. I screwed up. I was stupid. But you're just as stupid if you think I'm not sorry. If I could go back and not do it- I would."

I wanted to back down, cave into his apologies but I couldn't do that to myself.

"It's too late for that now." I said as made my way to the front door.

"Vivian..." He started to say, but I didn't stick around.

Outside the air was cold. I was happy Soda didn't follow me, I needed to clear my head.

I started to descend the steps when Darry spoke to me, startling me into turning around.

"He's not the sharpest sometimes, he's implusive. I'm not saying forgive him. Just he's most likely telling the truth."

I climbed back up the stairs and sat on the porch swing where Darry was smoking a cigarette. I never had seen Darry smoke before until lately. Stress must have been finally catching up to him.

"I know he thinks he's telling the truth. But he needs to know it's not all fine and dandy, and I'm not just gonna jump into his arms."

"I agree." Darry nodded. "I can't believe he did this... with Sandy..."

"Me neither," I said solemnly, staring up at the dark sky. It was starless tonight and that seemed fitting. "You think he still loves her?"

"I don't think so, I just think it was the shock factor of something he used to really want, wanting him back."

"He's still an idiot." I grumbled, swiping Darry's cigarette for myself. He didn't object.

"Yeah, maybe so sometimes, but you're not," Darry smiled small. "Trust your gut, you'll make the right choice."

"Yeah whatever," I grumbled and Darry chuckled, opening the front door and slipping inside, leaving me alone.

The door opened once again and I didn't have to turn to know it was Sodapop.

"Hey." He said just above a whisper.

"Hi." I returned as hostile as I could muster.

"I really am sorry." I looked back at him for the first time since he had come outside.

"I think I know that." I said quietly, stuffing out the cigarette butt.

"Will you forgive me? Please, baby." I could tell from his voice he was upset, as if he was about to cry again.

"No." I told him firmly. I don't know where the confidence came from. I had the lump in my throat as well, just like him I felt the sensation to cry.

"No?" He seemed surprised.

"You can't have everything you want. You can't expect me to be okay with you and her. You can't have your cake and eat it, too," the lump in my throat grew bigger and tears pricked my eyes. "You made a choice to sleep with her, a choice that you knew would mean that you would lose me."

"No, I wasn't thinking- I don't love her. I love you."

"I love you, too. Maybe we can work this out but not now. I need some time on my own."

I made my way down the porch steps, pulling the keys to my car out of my purse. Soda didn't follow and I was glad he didn't, I would have turned right around.

"Sandy was nothing compared to you!" He yelled after me. I slid into the drivers seat and slammed the door.

Nobody would compare to him either; but I had to do what was right for myself.