Isabella
He laid there on his deathbed, hardly able to move: he had tubes up his nose to help him breathe, IV's were stuck into his right hand, and wearing an uncomfortable hospital gown, that he'd wanted to take off but wasn't being allowed to. His dark skin, a bit pale from lying on the hospital bed for far too long, had wrinkles engraved across his forehead, along the sides of his eyes, and around his lips. His disheveled, shoulder length gray hair, faded with time from the midnight black it used to be, fell along the sides of his head. Showing obvious discomfort, and annoyance, my friend, the one who I'd known since the dawn of time, kept looking to the left side of his room, as if someone were standing there. I'm the one who stood to his left, but no one knew this except for him.
Three of his children had gone down to the cafeteria to get some coffee after being with him throughout most of the day, waiting for something to happen, praying for him to get better, crying for the loss they knew was imminent. Only one sat to his right, his only daughter, whom he named after me, kept looking at him in a daze, but would quickly turn her face away to hide the escaping tears.
This was it. The moment that every human, no matter their birth, no matter their status, no matter what they did in life, faced at the end of their journey. Whether their journey was filled with strife, or joy, whether their life was filled with sorrow or happiness, this moment was inevitable, as it was now for Jacob.
His family, his human family, witnessed his deterioration begin when his wife, Leah, passed away two years ago. I was there to guide her to her new life as I'd done countless times. Jacob wanted to make sure I was the one to do it, to finally introduce myself to Leah right before helping to her next life.
"Hello Leah. I'm Bella. It's very nice to finally meet you," I said as I stood by her side, both of us watching her lifeless body that lay on the bed. Jacob was knealing by her side, their children spread across the room, holding each other in grief of their mother's passing. For several minutes, Leah looked around the room to her children, to her husband, to her body, and then to me.
"You're Bella. You're an angel. Like Jacob."
I confirmed with a nod and proceeded to tell her where she would be going to next. Leah kept looking around the room towards her grieving family, but there was only peace in her face. Knowing that she was loved, Leah was ready to take the next step. As I went to grab her hand, Jacob looked up to our side of the bed. Jacob didn't care if his children were witnessing this, didn't care if his children thought him crazy for speaking to no one. Jacob, as always knew I was there. And that Leah, might be with me. He just wanted to commmunicate one last thought before we left.
"Isabella. Please tell Leah I love her. And that I can't wait to see her again," Jacob croaked as tears fell from his swollen, brown face. Leah nodded that she'd gotten the message, as I turned her around, I'd replied to Jacob Leah's affection for him as well.
"What was your favorite part?" I asked Leah after walking out of the room and into the bright light that surrounded us. A favorite question that was asked to many humans to reflect on their time in this world. It only took her a few seconds to reply, but I already knew the answer.
"Jacob", Leah answered as a smile spread across her beautiful face, persuading mine to spread as well.
In a few moments, it would be Jacob's turn to answer my question. Though, again, I knew what his answer would be.
Within the next few minutes, his sons and their wives lined into the room one by one, taking different spots in the room, just gazing towards their father's presence, waiting.
As I waited, I too gazed at my friend, Jacob. We had known each other forever; we had done our duties as helpers, as messengers, as guides, as guardians over human lives. We loved standing at the beach at sunrise to hear the Heavenly choir of angels spread a joyful noise. We would place our hands on those who were in need for calm, as a sign that they weren't alone and that their prayers, no matter what they were, were being heard. Not always answered in the way humans wanted, but they were being heard.
This was what we knew to do; this is what we were created to do. Humans, admired, even praised us throughout their lives. Humans thought of us as beautiful, graceful, and complete. And yet, Jacob, as so many others like us could be desirous over things that humans did have, things that humans took for granted a lot throughout their lives, things many of us wished we could have.
A memory ran through me as vivid as now of a time, long ago, for a human anyway, (about two centuries ago) in which Jacob had been contemplating on taking the 'fall'. As we sat on the tip of the highest mountain in the Andes Mountain range in South America, Jacob kept running on and on for about the millionth time about the possibilities of being human.
"Bella, don't you ever wonder what is it about the smell of coffee that awakens the senses? Or do you ever wonder what it is about a baby's touch that makes people automatically smile? What a rose smells like? What a watermelon tastes like? Do you ever wonder what it is about holding another person in their arms that makes them feel safe?" Jacob looked at me with pleading eyes, wanting me to understand where he was coming from.
And for the millionth time, I answered, "Yes, Jacob. I hear what you're saying, I do. I truly do. And I know what you mean. I would like to know what those things feel like. But not enough to give up eternity. Not enough to give up who I am. This is who I am. This is who we are, what we were created to be. We are celestial beings; we have a duty to uphold, a world to protect from evil. This is what we have to be."
"Ah, but you're wrong. We don't have to do this" Jacob stood up and walked around me, trying to convince me. "We have 'free will' as much as they do. Why would HE deny us that which He gave to the humans so freely? We have the opportunity to start our lives, our human lives, and experience everything that comes with it. Don't you want to know what it feels like to love?"
"Jacob, I know what love is. You know what love is. What's your point?" I asked.
"But to love like a human loves. To feel your heart flutter, to feel, like the humans say, butterflies in your stomach. The touch of the one you love. That love that humans share whether physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually, is one of the most beautiful things. To experience human love would be absolutely amazing." Jacob sat back down, thinking of many things he would look forward to experience.
I thought for a moment before I responded, "Human love isn't always beautiful, Jacob. Yes, it's amazing when you describe that way. Yes, it's beautiful to see the love between two lovers, between a mother and her child, a love between long time friends. But what's going to happen when you experience heartbreak? What do you think will happen when someone rejects you? And let's not just linger in the subject of love. What about pain and suffering? Anger and distrust and jealousy? What about death? The end of it all."
And for the millionth time, Jacob shook his head in disbelief at my dampening his mood. I know it might seem discouraging for me to tell him this, especially when he's pleading for me to see his way. Everytime Jacob speaks about anything, he has such a loving, enthusiastic, child-like heart. Something that HE himself praises in us and in humans, but Jacob makes it seem so easy to have that type of heart. But that is exactly what I want to protect him against. Because just like Jacob, I've seen the things that humans are capable of. Yes, they are able to love, to have amazing spirits, but they are also able to hate, to hurt. We, as angels, along with the humans of this world, have witnessed throughout the ages, the grief, the sorrow, the wars, the worst things that some humans are capable of. Not all humans know of all the evil that goes on in the world, but We do. I do. Jacob does. And to see that perfect innocence that Jacob has, to see it taken away from him from humans who hurt themselves and others, I can't stand it. I can't stand around and not be concerned for my best friend.
Angels don't usually worry about anything, but if I were human, it would break my heart. I don't want Jacob to be hurt. I don't want him to leave all of eternity for a human life that might not end well. Maybe I'm being selfish. But I can undestand why HE is in pain sometimes. To see HIS children do things they shouldn't, but HE can't do anything about it, because HE's granted them 'free will'. Jacob has free will to do as he pleases. But that doesn't mean I'll be happy about it.
Luckily for Jacob, he 'fell' into mortality at the right time.
When Jacob finally made fell, he was in tremendous pain. Jacob threw himself into the air from a cliff surrounded by trees, near a small town named LaPush. I was in the other side of the world, in Paris, when he leapt. Jacob chose to do this then, knowing I was away, so I wouldn't try to convince him to stop. When I heard through other angels, that Jacob had jumped, I appeared to his side in an instant, but all I could do was comfort Jacob until someone could notice him to help him. Jacob had broken his right leg, had scratches all over his face and body, and was bleading out in different places, as if someone had pounded into him with brutal force.
"Oh Jacob," I sighed as I knealed by his mangled body. Another human standing about a thousand feet away, noticed Jacob laying on the ground, crying in pain. As she came closer, Jacob looked up to me, smiling between his grunts of pain, "It hurts like hell, but I'd do it again." He chuckled, which was a mistake as it caused him more pain. As the human approached Jacob's body, she checked to see if he was alive.
Realizing that Jacob was still breathing, the female asked, "Where does it hurt the most?"
"My right leg is killing me," Jacob replied breathlessly. The female nodded, as she stood looking for anyone else that might help or might've been hurt.
"I have to go get some help for you, okay? I can't help you out all by myself. I might injure you more. So stay right there, don't move!" the female warned him.
"Where am I going to go?" Jacob replied sarcastically which made the female look down on him with a face that made him want to swallow his words.
"I can always leave you here by yourself, you know." the human snapped a bit.
"No, no. Please don't leave me. I don't know what I would do without you," Jacob said with a serious, pleading look. The human's lips turned up a bit and nodded. "I'm Jacob, by the way. What's your name? I'd like to know who saved me from my stupid stunt." I snickered at his comment. Jacob noticed. She didn't. She smiled.
"My name is Leah." And as she smiled, I noticed that even through the pain and suffering, Jacob couldn't help but smile his warmth and gratitude, towards her. In that moment, I noticed that look humans got when they realized they had fallen in love. That dumbfounded look that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, that look that made everything else seem like nothing. I could've been extremely happy for him to experience something so beautiful and pure, so soon in his human life, but I had just lost my Jacob, to the human world and couldn't help but grimace.
Throughout his human years, Jacob still tried to convince me about his choice to become human. But as much as he tried, without success, I couldn't help but become Jacob and his family's guardian angel. It's a calling that I easily and happily decided to take upon myself. I was there when Jacob married his beautiful wife, Leah. When their children were born, when Jacob learned to fix cars and started his own business with the encouragement from Leah, when they bought their small home in LaPush, when they'd say 'good night' to their children before putting them to sleep. All of the most common things to the rest of humanity, Jacob seemed as excited about all these events as the first day he breathed in with his human lungs.
Whether he was by himself, and he spoke out loud, or he was with his family, and he spoke to me by letting me read his mind, Jacob never failed forget me and remembered that I would never leave my best friend's side. As he lay in his bed in this hospital that seemed anything far from the comfort of the home he loved, Jacob spoke to me through his mind, remembering some of the best times of his existence.
"You have to know to understand. Just the simple things…like the smells. There are amazing smells. I remember grabbing a fistful of grass, pulling it up to my nose, just to smell it because it smelled so natural. To smell the rain, to actually smell the moisture in the air and letting it tell your brain that it's about to pour without even having to open your eyes to look up to the storm clouds." He looked at me, yet again, trying to convince me. "Can you just imagine?" After a long enough pause, he spoke through his mind, again. "No, I suppose you couldn't."
He continued. "To smell the open air, the smell of grass, especially after it's been cut, letting you know it would be perfect time to plan a picnic, to run and play with the kids." I stood there, remembering the days Jacob and his family spent lying on a blanket under a tree, which caused me to smile. Because these were some of the best memories Jacob had, these were the memories that made him the happiest, I couldn't help but smile to myself. The dreamy look on his face told me he'd been reminiscing of those better days he'd had with his human family, better days than the present. "Leah always loved to prepare us for an afternoon picnic by the lake."
Jacob remembered of another happy moment in his life. Of the first time, he held his firstborn son, something he'd seen millions and millions of times throughout the ages, all those other times paled in comparison to this one, being that it was his child. He was so proud of this memory like so many others, his eyes were glossy and a small tear escaped the corner of his left eye, glazing over the wrinkles he'd picked up throughout the years, down his left cheek. "To smell another human being, like a baby. To smell the innocence and perfection of a baby whom other humans have not yet tainted, something so pure that can only come from God."
And best of all, the memories of the only woman he's ever loved. Leah. From the first time he laid his eyes on her, his heart did flips and would pound against his chest, at first scaring him, for he did not know of this type of feeling. "To smell a woman," remembering her scent like it was the one thing he never could live without, "to be close to a woman, to feel her warmth, to feel her touch, to feel her caress when I needed comforting, just the simplest things that would be so mundane to many humans. But to me they were the most magnificent things I'd come to experience as a human. I know you'll never understand, until you decide…if you decide to fall…"
Many times we've had this conversation, many times he had tried to convince me of the choice he'd made of becoming mortal. Sometimes, to persuade me to join him. Sometimes, to make the crease between my eyebrows that showed incredulity on my part, go away. Sometimes to attempt to assuage my confusion, he could sit for hours trying to describe to me why he was right all along for the decision he'd made. Since the day he dove into Earth, to become mortal, he had been one of the happiest humans I'd seen. And that's saying a lot.
But no matter how much he'd tried to convince me of his decision, it would never shake me. He'd known exactly throughout both our existences why I wasn't moved to such extremes. Standing to the left of him, waiting for his breathing to cease at any moment, reminded me why for so many centuries, why so many years ago, I pleaded with him not to 'fall'. But I realized now, that Jacob had been happiest throughout his human years. I realized that Jacob would be happiest when he finally stepped over the threshold to the next life. I would miss my friend, my Jacob.
As Jacob's final moments came to a close, his family gathered around his bed, sobbing and holding each other in tight embraces, bracing themselves for the inevitable. Saying his wishes for his family to live to the fullest, barely looking into their faces, he remembered to tell them, "I love you, my children," one last time, before his last breath came to a close. The only noise that pierced through the room, was the sound of the heart monitor straining one annoyingly long, screeching sound that broke through the silence of the room. For one second, all of Jacob's children held their breath, and started to longingly sob for their father's passing.
As I looked to my left, Jacob stood beside me. Again, like his wife Leah, taking in the room, watching his children, one by one, surveying his lifeless body, and then, looking at me. And there it was. His smile, that will never be removed from my mind. His warm, innocent smile that projected love and gratitude, for all the amazing things he's been able to experience from the beginning of his existence, to the start of his human life, to his standing right next to me in this calm presence.
"Hey Jacob." I smiled in return, honored and priviledged to take my best friend, my Jacob, to the other side. And asked him the favorite question, "What was your favorite part, Jacob?"
I knew what his answer would be. I'd seen it his eyes many times. I'd seen it right in that moment. Jacob looked at me, and answered, "Leah."
"Good, Jacob." I replied. As I went to hold his hand to guide him, he stopped for one more second. His added response surprised me.
"And you." He paused, a timid smile growing slowly into a full grin, as he let me process his the last part of his answer. "Thank you," Jacob added. If I were human, I would've cried, or I would've jumped for joy. But I could only give him one thing: my smile.