After packing up the entirety of her locker; shoving as much as she could into her bag, Jo stood motionless for a moment, staring at the empty room. There were so many thoughts and emotions flowing through her body, she felt like she couldn't breathe.
Not knowing exactly what she was going to do next, she pulled out her phone and opened uber. She knew Steph would be gone for a while; relaying the story to Meredith and trying to set straight the assumptions that everyone had somehow jumped to. Upset and still drunk, she just wanted to get out of there. Not thinking, she punched in the address of the loft and waited outside.
Sliding open the door, she was hit with a strong smell of alcohol, making her queasy as she remembered the mess of the night she had. She still wasn't entirely sober, but now the room had stopped spinning she could finally take everything in. She sat down on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall for a moment before bursting into tears, covering her face with her shaking hands.
"This is all my fault." She mumbled to herself in between sobs. Her hands moved across her face, wiping the tears while she tried to slow down her breathing. Her mind was racing. She wasn't thinking straight. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks; a fact she was completely oblivious to with everything else going on.
'I can't believe I told him..' she thought, pushing herself up from the bed and turning her head to look at Deluca's blood which had now probably left a stain in their rug. She took a deep breath as all her racing thoughts seemed to clear at once, leaving only one remaining, which managed to slip out of her mouth without intention; "he's going to find me!"
She started to panic. Her body was numb. With shaking hands, she began to frantically search through her belongings. She had to run. It was what she was good at. She knew how to survive on her own. She was used to things not working out. Just like Alex said; it was easy for her to move on when things were bad. She didn't want to believe the things he had said before, but they were doing a good enough job of providing her with more reasons to run.
Suddenly realising that she didn't seem to be accomplishing much, she turned to see only a mess of clothes thrown on the floor.
"I can't do this. I can't" she said to herself in one short breath. Her efforts to clam herself down now seemed useless, as she was breathing must faster than before.
"it hurts... I can't! I can't!" she continued to cry to the empty apartment as her knees buckled beneath her. She fell to the floor, bringing one hand to her chest and the other on the floor in front of her.
"I can't breathe! I can't.. I can't breathe!"
Jo had seen panic attacks before, regularly; she was a doctor. She knew how to calm people down and exactly how hyperventilating would affect her body. But in this state, she wasn't thinking like a doctor. All she could think was that she couldn't breathe, she couldn't move.
Unable to calm herself down, she managed lay on the floor, in a hope that this wave of panic would end soon. She was physically and emotionally exhausted.
After what felt like a lifetime, she noticed her breathing had started to slow down on its own. Her mind however was still racing. The fight she had with Alex still playing over and over in her head, accompanied by flashes of Deluca's face being repeatedly punched by the man she loved. How could this have happened?
She lay on the floor completely still for almost an hour. Her shaking hands were soon paired with the trembling of her whole body. She was freezing, a sign that the alcohol was definitely wearing off.
Still exhausted, she decided she needed to get up, at least off the floor. She straightened her arms beneath her body, sitting up; a simple task which proved to be incredibly difficult in this state. Eventually she managed to pull herself back up onto the bed. She looked around the empty apartment; a place where she once felt safe, where she had finally made her own home, now felt so incredibly empty and full of fear and hate.
Leaning across the bed, she grabbed the glass of water she had earlier rejected and had a sip. She was back to thinking slightly more like a doctor now and knew water would do her some good. As she placed the glass back down, her phone screen lit up, along with a buzz. It was Steph.
"7 missed calls.. Calm down Edwards" she said to herself, forcing sarcasm in an attempt to make herself feel a little better.
Although she knew her friend was probably worried about where she had taken off to, she didn't feel like talking. Clicking the end call option, Jo opened up her messages and began typing to her friend.
'Steph, please stop calling. I'm okay now. I'll talk to you later.' She pressed send and put her phone on the bedside table, with the screen facing down.
Although it may have been a little rude, Jo really wasn't in the mood for talking, she didn't want to risk blurting anymore of her history to anyone, even if it was her best friend.
Completely exhausted and emotionally drained, the puffy eyed, brunette collapsed backwards into the pile of pillows and blankets on her bed and fell asleep.