25 Things That Didn't Happen In Twilight That I Think Should Of (RANDOM, IN BOOK OR FILM. Also 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 are together.)
1. (Edward) I was sitting down in the lunch hall, thinking and reading minds. My family were staring at the new girl Isabella. I didn't really care though, I cant read her mind so she's not my type. Suddenly, the lunch hall doors swung wide open. I smelled the scent, it was him… Mike Newton. I had been day-dreaming of him and me, lying on a meadow. Together, kissing, hugging, talking. He was gorgeous, beautiful… he was my own personal brand of heroine.
2. I had jumped off the cliff, the wind hitting me, I felt graceful until I got halfway down. I shot my eyes wide open, I didn't know how to swim. I tucked myself in a ball and splashed in the water, sinking and sinking. Death was easy, life's hard. Now I just wished that I had taken some drugs.
3. I moped and moped for a month, I walked and walked around the house feeling deader than I was. I wish Carlisle had let me go to the Volturi and get them to kill me. As I walked around town, holding Alice's shopping bags. "Oh, man. I feel so depressed, Bella's dead and I wish I could… Oh. My. God! Jasper, ain't that girl fit?" I questioned him, Alice turned giving me evils. She said, "I thought you were depressed about Bella." I sent a confused look. "Who? Who's Bella?" She sighed and muttered, "Dumb ass, he's so much more forgetful and stupid than Emmett. Fucking fucktard."
4. Me and Edward walked into the Cullen household, it was after school. Alice and everyone was already home. Alice ran up to me, hugging me and giving me slight kisses on my cheeks. Edward slightly growled, Alice whispered inside my ear, "I missed you, let's go." I nodded and told Edward, "Edward, me and Alice need to do some girl talk." He nodded and we walked towards her room, making out when we got there. We had sex.
(Edward) I walked upstairs after an hour, Jasper was with me. We walked inside his room to see Bella, my Bella, and Alice shagging each other. Me and Jasper spoke in unison, "What the fuck is happening?" I turned to him speaking, "You didn't know this? You're a fucking Empath." He turned to me saying, "What the hell? You're a fucking mind reader!" As we argued Emmett came from behind and shouted, "HEYYOOOO!"
5. "Hey Bella, you know you love me." Jacob. "No, I don't." Bella. "Yes you do." Jacob. "NO I DON'T!" Bella, she runs out and grabs a crow bar and starts beating the shit out of Jacob. Edward walks over, graceful, then stops. "What the hell?"
6. "Bella ate already." My anger rose, WTF? WE SPENT OUR TIME DOING THIS! "It's just that I knew that you didn't eat." Bella spoke, shaking. "Well, that was very thoughtful and considerate, Bella." Esme. This is so fucking unfair! She's a human! Can't we eat her! My grip tightened on the bowl I was holding, I thought it would of broken now. I tried and tried, it wouldn't. My grip was harder than metal. It still wouldn't smash, "OH FUCK THIS!" I screamed, I got the bowl and hit it on the wall. STILL WOULDN'T! I PELTED IT AT EDWARDS HEAD! STILL WOULDN'T! I GRABBED IT AND WHACKED IT AT THE FLOOR! STILL NOTHING! I pouted and hid in Emmett's chest. Bella walked in the kitchen and she leant on the table, she nudged the bowl and… IT FUCKING SMASHED! I THREW A TANTRUM! And then I ended up… eating Bella.
7. "Bella, Bella, be brave! Edward!" Edward rushed over, I pulled out a belt and wrapped it around the top of Bella's leg. I told him to suck the venom out. As he did, I questioned myself… What does human blood taste like? I looked both sides, Edward was enjoying himself with tasting her blood. I looked at Alice and the rest, killing James. I put my hand on the blood and slowly tasted the blood… OH MY GOD! I CANT BELIEVE I'VE BEEN MISSING THIS! I bent low, eating her. Edward tried to stop me but he was too busy eating her hand. Alice and the rest tried to stop but the blood over powered them, we all ate and ate until… "CARLISLE! EDWARD! ALICE! JASPER! EMMETT! AND ROSALIE CULLEN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO BELLA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" It was Esme, she was mad. We all stopped and slowly stood up. All our heads were hanged. She walked towards us. We all muttered, "We were eating Bella." She nodded then surprised us all by saying, "Well screw you! She's mine!" And then she ran off with the body, eating it on the way.
8. "Carrrlisleee… Come here." Carlisle ran to the voice and he gasped, feeling horny when he saw… Emmett in lingerie, black and blue. Carlisle purred and they jumped in bed together. Esme walked up the stairs, when she walked in Carlisle and her room she saw… Carlisle and Emmett doing it doggy style.
9. "Bella, I have something to tell you." Edward. "What Edward? You can tell me anything." Bella. Edward breathed in, heavily, and grimaced, "I think you have a bomb inside you." "W-what? What the fuck?" "Your pussy's dead, something must of exploded." "Well, your dick might be dead." "WELL DUH…. IM 100% DEAD!"
10. "Edward, join in!" Bella. "OKAY! WOO! BEATING UP JACOB IS THE BEST!" Edward, he makes that little cat-smile with the sideways 3 then grabs a hammer.
11. If I make everyone horny, then I would get laid… tons of times! WOO! Alice stared at me, time to work my magic. Everyone came running up to me, caressing me, kissing me, humping me… Until the next morning. I had caused everyone to shag each other. And caused Bella to get pregnant with me, Carlisle, Emmett, Edward and Rosalie. Cause Rosalie has a dick… I think. Yeah screw it she does.
12. "I know what you are." My voice was slightly shaken, he was a fucking Vampire! "Say it. Out Loud." His voice was velvet and heavy. I inhaled, "A Vampire." He turned me to look at him, "Ask me the most important question." There was a silence. "What do we eat?" His voice still velvet. I gasped and… ran for my life screaming and screaming, "AAHHH! HELP ME! HELP ME! EDWARD CULLEN IS A FUCKING VAMPIRE AND HE'S GOING TO EAT ME! HELP!" He was already in front of me, teeth showing. He crouched, ready to pounce and… IM DEAD!
13. "Jasper! Hit it!" My voice boomed, Jasper started to play his guitar. I grabbed a microphone. The women were sitting in front of us. Me, Carlisle, Edward, Jacob and Jasper were lined up with microphones while wearing white tops and black trousers. I nodded, one, two, three. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, I'm too sexy all around." We all sang in unison, the girls mouths hung open. As we got to the second 'I'm too sexy for my shirt.' we all started to take the white tops off. Suddenly, Renesmee launched forwards. Crashing into Jacob, snogging him. She pulled Jacob away, heading for their bedroom. Bella was the next to lunge, daughter like mother. Edward was pulled away, holding Bella bridal style. Then Jasper went, boo-hoo! My musician. Then Carlisle. Rosalie stared at me, wide eyed. She walked out the room, turning in the doorway to say, "Aren't you coming?" I ran for it.
14. He held me in a protective cage while we landed on the sofa, Alice came in with Jasper. "Heard you were eating Bella. Can we have some?" Edward stared at me and grinned, "Sorry but no. There's simply not enough." Jasper smiled slightly while saying. "Emmett wants to know if you want to play ball later? Alice has predicted a storm coming." Edward nodded and they left. After two minutes Emmett came booming in. "EDWARD! EDDIE! EDWARDO!" Edward sighed, "What Emmett?" Emmett sent an evil smile. "Edward, can I borrow something?" Edward nodded, and moved his hand so he could carry on. "Okay, good. Because I need to borrow your Vagina." He smiled, grinning actually. All of a sudden, Edward was standing up and hit Emmett while shouting, "I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA!" I giggled and Edward glared. I ran away, out of his window… laughing my head off.
15. "Hey guys, what'cha doing?" Alice. "BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF JACOB! WANNA HELP?" Alice made a girly-giggle and nodded. She ran over with make-up. "What the fuck Alice?" Edward. "I'm going to kill him by embarrassment, he doesn't look good with yellow and pink." "Okay then… let's keep killing!"
16. "I like to see you sleep it relaxes me." Edward, I gawped. "WHAT THE FUCK! STALKER! STALKER! YOU'RE A FUCKING STALKER! YOU JUST PUT ME OFF YOU KNOW! YOUR NOT GETTING ANY SEX TONIGHT!" I screamed and shouted. He whimper and pouted while murmuring, "Oh, you and me have the best sex. Meany-bo-beany."
17. I was being herded, suddenly a Volvo came past. Someone came out, it was Edward. "Get in." I narrowed my eyes. "No." He stared at me growling, "GET IN THE GOD DAMNED CAR!" "NO! I DON'T WANT TO! WHAT IF I WANT THEM TO… DO STUFF TO ME!" He growled I narrowed my eyes, he spoke four words before leaving. "Fuck you, you bitch!" He left in the car leaving me.
18. "Bella, what are you doing?" Edward. "I'm trying to fix this piano. There's too many strings attached." I cut all of the piano strings except one, Edward screamed like a little girl, falling to his knees, dry sobbing. "Why? WHY?" Edward. "GOD DAMN IT EDWARD! THE PIANO WONT PLAY ANY NOTES!" I started to hit all the notes. I found one but it was low. I got some scissors and cut the last string left. Edward started to scream again. "NO! NO! IM MELTING! IM MELTING! AHHH!" I laughed, Edward was slowly melting. As he did I stuck out my middle finger while saying, "Don't fuck with me Edward. I get my man."
19. "Tra-la-la-la-la. I'm Isabella Swan and I shagged Edward. I bet you haven't, probably because your gay. Tra-la-la-la-la." I happily skipped to the Cullens porch, knocking. No-one answered so I just came in. I walked to Edwards room, when I opened it I saw… EVERYONE WAS GETTING A BIT OF EDWARD ACTION!
20. Rosalie and Esme walk over, "What are you doing?" "Killing him, wanna help?" They nodded and grabbed some chainsaws. "Why are we killing him?" Alice. "He won't admit that he doesn't love me, he won't admit that he will fall in love with my daughter! Jacob! You're a fucking slag!" Bella. "Okay, that's good enough for me." Rosalie. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BBBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNNNSSSSS!" Jacob. Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett walk over…
21. "Hmmmm…. Ahhhh….." Emmett. "FOR FUCKS SAKE EMMETT WHATS UP!" Rosalie. "The sky." "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "Everything is matter." "WHATS WRONG?" "I wrote wrong wrong. Look, w-r-e-n-c-h-h-a-m-m-e-r-t-h-a-t-i-h-i-t-o-v-e-r-E-d-w-a-r-d-s-h-e-a-d-b-e-c-a-u-s-e-h-e-h-a-s-a-v-a-g-i-n-a-t-h-a-t-h-e-w-o-n-t-l-e-n-d-m-e-f-o-r-m-y-e-v-i-l-i-n-v-e-n-t-i-o-n. See! ITS UNFAIR!" Rosalie laughed causing Emmett to cry which caused Jasper to hit them both.
22. "Edward, you know you love me!" "Yes, love." "Can you bite me so that I can be like you because I want to be like you so that I can kill Jessica for saying I was a bitch and end up eating everyone in the school?" "Sure, tell me when your not ready." "I'm not ready now." "Well you basically are because you just told me to bite you now and you would know that I was going to bite you so you've basically prepared yourself and become ready." "Well… fuck you Edward! ALICE!" "She's shopping." "CARLISLE!" "He's at work." "ESME!" "She's busy looking for Jasper." JASP- Oh wait! Who else is in your family?" "Emmett and Rosalie." "Thanks." "No problem." "ROSALIE!" "She's too busy shagging Emmett." "EMMETT! Oh wait, no. SHIT! THERE'S NO-ONE ELSE!" "I know. I love this game." "Eddwwaaarrrddd…. Pwetty pwease change mwe. You can shag me afterwards." "Fine." "YAY!"
23. "RENESMEE! RENESMEE COME HERE NOW!" Renesmee plopped down from the stairs staring at me. "Yeah mum." Chewing bubblegum. "Why did I find a werewolf-boy magazine? It's full of Jacob showing his dick and stuff." "Are you sure it's not from your room?" "NO! I have an Edward-boy magazine!" Alice ran over with Rosalie and Esme. "I have a Jasper-boy magazine." "Emmett-boy." "Carlisle-boy." "Wait, Esme… can I swap? You can have Edward-boy." "NO! I want Emmett-boy." "I'll have Edward-boy but someone has to take Jasper-boy." "FINE! I'll have Carlisle-boy, Esme can have Emmett-boy, Rosalie can have Jasper-boy and Alice can have Edward-boy. Okay?" They all nodded. Renesmee had disappeared and the boys were behind us, staring.
24. "You know the girls were talking about the magazines. Should we swap too?" Emmett. "HELL YEAH! I DIBS BELLA!" Jasper. Edward growled. "I'll only let Carlisle have Bella-girl." "Fine but I want Rosalie-girl." "Fine. I want Esme." "What the fuck Emmett? You want a magazine when your mums naked?" "HELL YEAH!" "Okay, Edward gets Alice-girl then." "I wont use it." "Why not?" "She's my fucking sister." "So? She's got your magazine! Hey, screw the magazines. Should we just sleep with them instead?" "OKAY! IM IN!" "SAME!" "SAME!" "SAME!" We all agreed and went off to shag our brothers wives. Edward-Alice. Jasper-Rosalie. Carlisle-Bella. Emmett-Esme.
25. "What are they doing?" Carlisle asked Emmett, he shrugged. "Well, lets watch." They brang out chairs, popcorn, drinks and a video camera. "This will be the most awesome movie ever!" Emmett. "Hey, why do we have drinks and popcorn? We can't eat or drink." Jasper. They started to through the popcorn at them, encouraging them. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! POPCORN! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! IM ALLERGIC! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! BURNING!" Jacob. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY FOR THIS TO STOP?" They all froze. "You have to say, I'm Jacob." Bella. "I'm Jacob." "And, I don't love Bella Swan." "And I don't love Bella Swan." "Also that" "Also that" "I'm a gay girly girl who lives with Barbie." "I'm a gay girly girl who liv- wait, what? I'm not going to say that!" "ATTACK!" They start to attack again.