It's not quick, it can't be. I know that, I've seen it before.
How many times have I been here? Often enough to wake screaming, that much I know.
And when I sleep, it's not my screams that haunt the depths of my mind. Never mine.
But still, here I am again. Something's different, I know that much.
Of course. It's me. Always before, someone else—now? Now I'm the one in the dirt, while the blue beams his and whine past, the percussive roar of the Basilisks behind me beating in counterpoint to the throbbing in my ears. In my heart.
There's no-one to whisper soothing platitudes, to help make it easier. No-one to lie to me, to tell me that I'll make it through. That was my job.
It's just my luck that it wasn't something easy. For me, everything is the hard way. It couldn't be a lasgun. A cauterized burn would be survivable, however unpleasant. I wouldn't be watching the thick, red liquid—my blood, I know, distantly, but I can't admit it—oozing from my chest.
Not a bolter, either. If it had been a bolter, I wouldn't be here, all in one piece. I'd be spread across this ground, shredded, unidentifiable chunks of flesh.
I know—I've seen that too.
Instead, a stub round. Or maybe an autogun. I don't know which.
So here I am, drowning in my own blood, a hole in my lung.
It won't be long now.
Yet as I fade, all I can think of is my work, not even my ending, really.
How many have I helped? How many have I sent to fight, again and again? Dozens? Hundreds? More?
They come and go, but nothing changes. They come to me, every time, some familiar, some new. But each time, they stagger in, unable to hold themselves upright against the pain. Or I find the in the churned mud, left behind by officers who can only see the foe, who's limited vision is obsessed by medals and victory awards, not by those they command.
And I help them, and hope. Sometimes, hope is all I can do. Hope and pray.
Others leave, going to do His work on the battlefield again.
So ring, Black Bell! Step forward, Death! I go, knowing I have done my duty.
I go into His arms.
I go to the God-Emperor, and that is enough.
Enough…